Yvonne the Cow Runs Amok in Germany's Forests

Andy Chalk

One Flag, One Fleet, One Cat
Nov 12, 2002
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Yvonne the Cow Runs Amok in Germany's Forests


There's a new terror roaming the black forests of Germany: a dairy cow named Yvonne who's been on the run since May.

On May 24, shortly before she was scheduled to be shipped off for slaughter, the bovine beast named Yvonne broke free of her bonds and headed for the woods around the Bavarian village of Zangberg. The runaway ruminant has been at large ever since, living off the land, evading all attempts to capture or kill her and, in a nice twist for the locals, bringing some unexpected tourist dollars to the region she's haunting.

Yvonne's life on the lam hasn't been without risk. She was almost hit by a police car, which is what brought her to the attention of authorities, and hunters have been given permission to shoot her on sight. Animal rights activists, meanwhile, want her brought in alive, but the food traps they've put out have been ignored, as were "companion cows" meant to draw her out. So now Michael Aufhauser, the founder of the Gut Aiderbichl [http://www.gut-aiderbichl.com] animal sanctuary, is taking things to the next level: he's brought in an animal psychic, who he hopes will help locate the cow and perhaps even convince her to come in.

"I spoke to her yesterday and she said that she was fine but didn't feel ready to come out of hiding," Franziska Matti, an "animal communication expert" from Switzerland, told the Guardian [http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/aug/15/cow-fugitive-germany-reward]. "She said she knew that Ernst had been waiting for her but that she was scared. She said she thought that humans would lock her up and she would no longer be free."

"Ernst" is plan B: "the George Clooney of bulls," as Aufhauser described him, a massive, musky bull "with a deep baritone moo" that the cows apparently find irresistible. Aufhauser has also managed to track down Yvonne's two-year-old son Friesi, who is now undergoing intensive training in order to learn how to best call to his mother. "We know the bond between mother cows and their sons is very strong," he said. "She will not be able to ignore him."

If Aufhauser gets to Yvonne before the hunters, he intends to let her life out her years in peace on his sanctuary, but he's not motivated by altruism and a love for animals alone: the German magazine Bild has offered a €10,000 reward [over $14,400] for her safe capture. Don't expect the hunters to give up without a fight, however; in 2006, the brown bear named Bruno, the first of his species to be seen on German soil in nearly 170 years, was shot and killed by hunters after Bavarian authorities declared that he was a "problem bear."

via: NPR [http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2011/08/15/139648411/yvonne-a-cow-wrapped-in-a-mystery-inside-a-forest]


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Imperioratorex Caprae

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May 15, 2010
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I don't know whats worse... that there are animal psychics who actually get paid or that this is actually considered news at all... No I'm not knocking the Escapist but the source itself. I hear sarcastic undertones when reading the Escapist post and therefore its slightly less brain-meltingly stupid.
 

King Toasty

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Oct 2, 2010
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Well, they brought in an animal psychic. Everything will be alright after all.


Must. Not. Explode. From. Stupidity. *twitchtwitch*
 

intheweeds

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Apr 6, 2011
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I love this story! It's not stupid it's hilarious!
I don't understand why she is a threat though. Why in the world would anyone think a dairy cow needs to be shot I will never know. Why not just let her be? How much harm could a cow really do? It's not a bear or a coyote.

"Oh god! Jack get the gun! There's a wild cow in the yard! Who knows how much carnage it will do to the lawn if we don't kill it now!"

Ah! This just made my day.
 
Mar 30, 2010
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Onyx Oblivion said:
Animal psychics.

The biggest frauds ever.
As opposed to those other, far more reputable, human psychics?

OT: This story sounds too ridiculous to be true. I'm calling ... ahem ... bullshit.
 

Danny Ocean

Master Archivist
Jun 28, 2008
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This is such a good laugh. Looks like the Germans do have a sense of humor after all.

Ernst... Phwoar.
 

The Virgo

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Jul 21, 2011
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This sounds like something that came straight from a Far Side cartoon. A cow ... running amok? I can almost see the cartoon and the caption in my head.
 

Tsaba

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Oct 6, 2009
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Andy Chalk said:
animal sanctuary, is taking things to the next level: he's brought in an animal psychic, who he hopes will help locate the cow and perhaps even convince her to come in.
Really? REALLY? How are supposed to take you seriously now animal sanctuary, you could of convinced us that you cared about the animal, now all you have done is shown us how bat shit insane you really are. I hope the cow grabs a bardiche and kills your animal psychic based on principal of ridiculousness.
 

cerebus23

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May 16, 2010
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That cow deserves mad props, it escaped it ran off its been on the run for weeks, my gods most cows do not even have the brains to compute much of anything now this one comes and she is the einstein of bovine.

and the bear thing was the funniest thing in the article. omg a brown bear not seen one in over 170 years KILL IT. NM brown bears are pretty darn timid, dont they have catch and release programs in germany?

SO betting pool.....who gets the cow, the hunters or the hippies. german efficiency vs umm hippies.
 

sir.rutthed

Stormfather take you!
Nov 10, 2009
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I honestly don't know what to think of this story. How exactly did a 800 lb. animal get on the loose in the first place? How terrible are the hunters that they can't track down an animal that was raised on a ranch? WHY THE HELL HASN'T THE STORY OF YVONNE AND ERNST BEEN MADE INTO A COW PORNO?!
 

lolmynamewastaken

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Jun 9, 2009
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there was a sheep in my village called kevin that got loose, how did that not make the escapist? or any other kind of use...
i say loose... he was sheep-napped by some one training for the marines that was going to kill him, but then he escaped his grasp as well.
 

AzureRaven

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Jul 21, 2011
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What...?
WHAT?
There's a savage untamed cow loose that could potentially slaughter thousands of innocent....blades of grass, and no one is stopping it?! Shit just got real.
And here I thought we lived in such a safe world. But free-roaming bovine? I'm frightened beyond all belief.