131: Team Butts

[Bob Harris]

Team Butts

"We take this expertise and travel from game to game, dancing on the razor's edge between bravery and insanity as readily as we breathe and watch anime. We greet the end of each day exhausted, retiring to our race car beds so that we may game again the next day, an unceasing cycle of pain and misery. Will Team Butts ever abandon its foolish pursuit of victory? Only when its members are long dead, far too deep beneath the Earth's surface to receive a decent Wi-Fi signal."

Bob Harris is a member of Team Butts, everyday gamers who play games everyday - badly.


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[CTerrian]

What's a Crit?

 

[the_carrot]

That was a fucking riot.

 

[JakubK666]

What's a Crit?

A random % chance to get a very powerful hit on TF2 if that's what you mean.

 

[Melaisis]

And let's not forget Steam, a software package surely spawned by the unholy union of Gabe Newell and Satan in the guise of a ham sandwich.

Wahey!

As much as I'd like to help contribute to the team dynamic and coordinate strategies and enemy reinforcements, it's not worth constantly hearing how my mother is a gay, herpes-riddled walrus by whom the shouter had been fellated repeatedly the previous night.

Hah! Truth!

Amusing, without trying too hard.

Long live Team Butts!

 

[KurtNiisan]

My very first step upon joining a lobby is to mute every non-Butt member. As much as I'd like to help contribute to the team dynamic and coordinate strategies and enemy reinforcements, it's not worth constantly hearing how my mother is a gay, herpes-riddled walrus by whom the shouter had been fellated repeatedly the previous night.

- That's too perfect! I seem to have a bad habit of joining games with stupid Americans (and believe me, they are American) who think it's cool to talk shit like that and it fucks me right off. I shall start using the "Team Butt" approach from now on ^^

 

[p1ne]

I laughed out loud, true story.

This is what happens when a bunch of antisocial men who aren't used to competing with other people get together and try to compete with other people on the internet. It has a very clear ring of truth for me with relation to the Unreal Tournament 1v1 community. Even the nicest guys have to verbally abuse themselves or the other players once in awhile; it's just part of the whole experience. In fact the main predominant emotion in UT 1v1s most of the time is anger/frustration (I know that's certainly the case with me, and if other player text is any indication, them too). What keeps us playing it, anyways?

 

[Blayze]

Standard FPS fare for me, then. I can't aim a sniper rifle for love nor money, but I can make one hell of an effective decoy. If that decoy duty happens to involve the surprise team-killing of our entire side, so much the better.

 

[lorenzolio]

That was the best article I've read in Escapist for a while. Although I share his pain which is why I enjoyed the article, I just wish Bob Harris could straight-up tell me exactly why I keep playing when I suck so bad.

 

[immortal88]

This is hilarious! Well writen, if completely illogical, this is by far the best article I've read on this site in awhile.

 

[SilentHunter7]

- That's too perfect! I seem to have a bad habit of joining games with stupid Americans (and believe me, they are American) who think it's cool to talk shit like that and it fucks me right off. I shall start using the "Team Butt" approach from now on ^^

I'm American...
:'(

Anyhow, that article was hilarious, and truthful (Especially the Halo 3 part), if a little depressing.

 

[hickwarrior]

Good to see there aren't only serious articles at times. Maybe something humorous and thought inducing at the same time, next time?

 

[Spinwhiz]

I hate my friends too! Is it bad that their pain in my pleasure?

 

[moromete]

Team Butts For the win... or should I say for the loss?

 

[Sentient Muffin]

Maybe this went over my head but...did you basically just take up three pages telling us you suck at Halo and that it takes to long to get into a good TF2 server? ^^'

It was funny, but really the Xbox Live a-hole problem is blown WAY outta' proportion. I'm the biggest a-hole I've ever met on Live. Few people even come close.

 

[Finnish(ed)]

One of the funniest things I have ever read. Although I have very little experience on the matters discussed in the article, I known enough to sympathize with the author. Very well written and with an original style.

Interacting with people, especially if they are anonymous and previously unknown to you, is usually like trying to masturbate with a piece sandpaper in your hand. Sure, you might feel an urge to do it, but it can only lead to frustration and pain. Oddly enough, the same seems to be true to most games.

 

[Tears of Blood]

What?

...

I... I cannot even relate. o_o