Keep Your Coat On and Your Wallet Closed
You don't need to spend an arm and a leg to get to know someone.
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You don't need to spend an arm and a leg to get to know someone.
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Keep Your Coat On and Your Wallet Closed
- Thread starter Lara Crigger
- Start date
You can tell "mating season" is coming to a close -- the questions are getting a little tamer.Lara Crigger said:
Gil:
You just got fired. Things are up in the air. It might not be the best time to add someone else, with their own things to do, to the mix. And I mean "not the best" for either of you.
Needing support from friends/family is one thing. But it feels like maybe dating is seen as a much-needed distraction for you... and that wouldn't be fair to the other person, really. Hang out with friends. Plug into a social group with some kind of hobby. Find support in ways that aren't quite as "attaching" as dating, until you've got your anchor a bit more set (or at least know where the wind is blowing you).
Donna:
You don't have to "gay up" or anything, but learning to "read the signs" will help you know when it's time to fill the gals in on the situation. And learning to read those signs will help you in all of your endeavors -- even with guys.
But as an aside, consider this: You say that you have trouble seeing "the signs" until it's basically too late... so it's almost like you wish these girls would make "the signs" a little clearer, so it wouldn't happen that way, right? That's probably exactly the situation they are in here. They're having trouble seeing the signs, too.
ISO Isabela:
Don't do it. Not worth it. Fuck-buddy relationships are usually only found through more than a little trial-and-error. Unfortunately, usually only one person suffers from the "error," and it's usually not the person seeking the fuck-buddy. If you pursue this, you're going to hurt some people. And, if the situation is right (or wrong), you can hurt yourself... or at least your reputation.
Fuck-buddying is a whole lot like threesomes -- everyone thinks they sound awesome, but few people have ever had to realize the emotional (and logistical) issues that plague them. And while it's possible to overcome those and make it work, it doesn't go the same way that it does in the "movies," and for most people it ends up not even nearly worth the hassle.
Now is the time to cultivate the other aspects of your approach to dating. Sex will come with intimacy and trust. And learning to build intimacy and trust does not require that you practice with potential mates (or fuck-buddies). If you work on cultivating that, I think you'll find the sex takes care of itself.
And for now? Yeah -- take care of the sex yourself. It's better for you, fairer for your future partner, and just a whole hell of a lot easier.
@Doctor-Donna-Friend
I have nothing more productive to add than the given advice but I want to share a story.
I'm gay and I know I'm gay but I also assume other people know I'm gay, which causes some confusion.
At the gym I go to there is a Zumba class that I used to attend on a weekly basis. One day the instructor was sick and we got a short-notice replacement instructor who didn't know the first thing about Zumba and decided to do what she does best, ballet dancing moves to loud techno and trans remixes of 80's classics. Blah.
It was a catastrophe and half the class left during the first 15 minutes, the rest dispersed the second it was over as if someone threw a smoke grenade into the room.
It wasn't the instructor's fault that she is a different kind of dance instructor. She came as a replacement and did the best she could, we were just expecting a different kind of workout. So, feeling bad for her, I went to talk to her and try and give some positive feedback to somewhat balance the overall frowning of everyone else in the class.
We talked a bit about the workout, which parts were harder and easier and at some point she put her hand on my chest and told me "its all about working this. So... when do I get to see you again?" with an expressions that can only be defined as :3
I was stunned. I tried to be nice and now there is a women groping my chest. What. The. Fuck. However when I told it to a friend her reply was quite insightful:
"You went and talked to a women dressed in tights standing all alone in dark room? You were hitting on her." I would call BS on that but she has some sort of a point, the instructor picked up on something I wasn't aware I'm transmitting.
Basically, even if you are not playing the hetro-dating game you should be somewhat aware of the rules, otherwise you'll find yourself breaking hearts or worse, getting groped by women you have zero interest in but apparently hitting on. Sigh.
I have nothing more productive to add than the given advice but I want to share a story.
I'm gay and I know I'm gay but I also assume other people know I'm gay, which causes some confusion.
At the gym I go to there is a Zumba class that I used to attend on a weekly basis. One day the instructor was sick and we got a short-notice replacement instructor who didn't know the first thing about Zumba and decided to do what she does best, ballet dancing moves to loud techno and trans remixes of 80's classics. Blah.
It was a catastrophe and half the class left during the first 15 minutes, the rest dispersed the second it was over as if someone threw a smoke grenade into the room.
It wasn't the instructor's fault that she is a different kind of dance instructor. She came as a replacement and did the best she could, we were just expecting a different kind of workout. So, feeling bad for her, I went to talk to her and try and give some positive feedback to somewhat balance the overall frowning of everyone else in the class.
We talked a bit about the workout, which parts were harder and easier and at some point she put her hand on my chest and told me "its all about working this. So... when do I get to see you again?" with an expressions that can only be defined as :3
I was stunned. I tried to be nice and now there is a women groping my chest. What. The. Fuck. However when I told it to a friend her reply was quite insightful:
"You went and talked to a women dressed in tights standing all alone in dark room? You were hitting on her." I would call BS on that but she has some sort of a point, the instructor picked up on something I wasn't aware I'm transmitting.
Basically, even if you are not playing the hetro-dating game you should be somewhat aware of the rules, otherwise you'll find yourself breaking hearts or worse, getting groped by women you have zero interest in but apparently hitting on. Sigh.
Heh... Listening to Donna's story just proves that women are just as bad at finding good men, as men are to women.
I've never had to worry about relationships myself. In fact, I never had any sort of interest from the opposite sex, (or my own sex for that matter! XD), in the whole 20 years of my existence.
In the sense of attraction, I am literally invisible to women! XD
I've never had to worry about relationships myself. In fact, I never had any sort of interest from the opposite sex, (or my own sex for that matter! XD), in the whole 20 years of my existence.
In the sense of attraction, I am literally invisible to women! XD
Where no gender is given sometimes assumptions are the easiest way to go. It will cause less offense to a gay to be assumed as a straight male, yet most straight males would be highly offended if you assumed they were gay. The same goes for females.Atheist. said:
Besides, the advice given was gender neutral. The thing about English is the only alternative to a pronoun with a specific gender is the awkward sounding 'he/she' or the itemizing sounding 'it'. From what I learned 'them' and 'they' is not correct at a journalistic level as the two are plurals.
Out of Gil,
Lara is right, you don't really need money to go on dates. My boyfriend in highschool was broke, yet we always had a blast on dates. It's about connecting with the person. Bike rides at the park were pretty awesome.
Lara is right, you don't really need money to go on dates. My boyfriend in highschool was broke, yet we always had a blast on dates. It's about connecting with the person. Bike rides at the park were pretty awesome.
Not to mention what happens when you find someone you DO want to commit to--and you find yourself in a position where you have to get RID of the person who is used to depending on you for casual sex.Dastardly said:
At best, you can keep your eyes open for females in your local circle who *might* be open to that sort of thing, and pay attention if you hear things like "man, I'm sick of this dating business, I just want to get laid" and so forth.
I would add that you DO need money if you plan on moving out of the dating phase, though. Unless you're planning on being a leech, that is. So make sure you do your job hunting while you're date-hunting.AbstractStream said:
im not normally one to leave a comment on the love-faq but...
Doctor-Donna
what the hell kind of world are you living in?
i too, am the nice guy who would do pretty much anything for someone else, even at my own expense, without thought of reward for myself, I'm just that kind of guy... but I'm not gay...(not that there's a problem with that), and i have never managed to attract any sort of romantic attention, from anyone...
granted, i don't really go out anymore, nor do i really have any friends, but experience from earlier in my life has pretty much taught me that the nice guy doesn't get the girl...
their attraction to you has to have something to do with you sending out the wrong signals, rather then you just being a nice guy
you might try telling women right off, that your gay, instead of just hoping they discover it themselves
also, send them my way, i could use some romantic attention XD
Doctor-Donna
what the hell kind of world are you living in?
i too, am the nice guy who would do pretty much anything for someone else, even at my own expense, without thought of reward for myself, I'm just that kind of guy... but I'm not gay...(not that there's a problem with that), and i have never managed to attract any sort of romantic attention, from anyone...
granted, i don't really go out anymore, nor do i really have any friends, but experience from earlier in my life has pretty much taught me that the nice guy doesn't get the girl...
their attraction to you has to have something to do with you sending out the wrong signals, rather then you just being a nice guy
you might try telling women right off, that your gay, instead of just hoping they discover it themselves
also, send them my way, i could use some romantic attention XD
Donna:
Really? I have the exact opposite reaction. I'm a straight male, I don't have any of the expected social stereo types of being gay, but I'm a nice guy. If I'm not planning to be drunk I offer friends home rides from the bar. I'd rather be the one wet and cold on the rainy night than one of my friends etc... But all I get is gay individuals who almost offer themselves up to me. But to answer your question is probably the same way I answer mine. "Yes I'm flattered, if I'm showing you the wrong signals I appologize, but I'm not gay/straight/(insert orientation here)." Its blunt but both very effective and your not turning them down because of who they are, but because of your own personal tastes. But what ever you do, Don't change your personality because of what others percieve.
Also do you want to trade lives or something? You grab the guys and I'll grab the girls?
Isabela:
Don't do the fuck buddy thing. I've seen it countless times before and it never turns out well. One person will get attached. Or one person will find somone new and wish to start a relationship. Or risk of STD/STIs. Or fuck buddy now also becomes social buddy and parttakes in the social circle leading towards them potentially sleeping with some of your close friends as well. Its easy to fall into, but the chances of it ending well are slim especially the longer it lasts.
If you really want to work off the tension, there is always porn, the gym, the run, or a cold shower.
Really? I have the exact opposite reaction. I'm a straight male, I don't have any of the expected social stereo types of being gay, but I'm a nice guy. If I'm not planning to be drunk I offer friends home rides from the bar. I'd rather be the one wet and cold on the rainy night than one of my friends etc... But all I get is gay individuals who almost offer themselves up to me. But to answer your question is probably the same way I answer mine. "Yes I'm flattered, if I'm showing you the wrong signals I appologize, but I'm not gay/straight/(insert orientation here)." Its blunt but both very effective and your not turning them down because of who they are, but because of your own personal tastes. But what ever you do, Don't change your personality because of what others percieve.
Also do you want to trade lives or something? You grab the guys and I'll grab the girls?
Isabela:
Don't do the fuck buddy thing. I've seen it countless times before and it never turns out well. One person will get attached. Or one person will find somone new and wish to start a relationship. Or risk of STD/STIs. Or fuck buddy now also becomes social buddy and parttakes in the social circle leading towards them potentially sleeping with some of your close friends as well. Its easy to fall into, but the chances of it ending well are slim especially the longer it lasts.
If you really want to work off the tension, there is always porn, the gym, the run, or a cold shower.
I can bet that it's not the fact that Doctor-Donna is a nice guy, but rather all of the other things that goes along with being a non-closeted gay guy. For instance, I worked with this completely adorable and obviously gay guy a few months ago. He talked about his boyfriend all the time, and even had the stereotypical lisp/feminine voice to the point where people mistook him for a woman on the phone. And though he was so very obviously gay, even I had a little crush on him. He had so many more similar interests with me than straight guys (cooking, movies, he even listened to my knitting talk with interest even though he doesn't knit), he actually got engaged in conversations about even the most insignificant things, and he even *gasp* showed genuine emotion constantly! What was not to love about him? I had to make sure I didn't subconsciously hit on him, I swear.
And yeah, I'm laying on the "straight guy" stereotype a little thick here, but it wouldn't be a stereotype if it wasn't founded in truth. The fact of the matter is, girls get along with gay guys a lot better than they do with straight guys, and it's really no wonder that they will eventually start to feel something for them. And unless the gay guy they're interacting with has the lisp and the attitude, chances are they might try to hit on him in the hopes that he's bi and not just gay.
And yeah, I'm laying on the "straight guy" stereotype a little thick here, but it wouldn't be a stereotype if it wasn't founded in truth. The fact of the matter is, girls get along with gay guys a lot better than they do with straight guys, and it's really no wonder that they will eventually start to feel something for them. And unless the gay guy they're interacting with has the lisp and the attitude, chances are they might try to hit on him in the hopes that he's bi and not just gay.
I disagree almost 90% of the time. Most of the time the advice is just naive like it was coming from a college girl who never really been in a deep relationship. Other times it was just plain wrong or bad advice. Yet there are times I just found it not entertaining enough or informative enough.Atheist. said:
Take out of gil section for example, the dude is broke..... BROKE! Any sane person would advice them to get a job before thinking about other things. But no, she actually attempts to give dating advice with his financial situation. That is just plain wrong.
You only got one chance to make a first impression, are you sure you want that to be about unemployment and broke? That's like a bird trying to dance to it's mate while it's wings is broken and covered in mud.
Then there is the gay dude part. If you're straight, doesn't matter male or female. Would you think twice about letting someone that're gay down if they're into you? A simple "I'm straight/gay" would suffice. I'm also not buying the story. Women aren't really interested in nice guys.
Lastly, the dude that wants sex. Just save up and go to a prostitute, or look online. Did you know there was a girl in HK who wanted to EAT someone and post the request online.....and it actually got ANSWERED by a dude that willing to be eaten. And she actually end up eating him, yes, the dude is dead and was in her belly.
Moral of the story: the world is big and the net makes our world smaller, if a cannibal can find someone willing to be eaten online. There are no excuse for someone only looking for a fuck buddy and can't find one. Until you come to a page that said "this is the end of the net, please go back" you haven't search hard enough.
Hell, I myself found countless fuck buddies in my time, from blondes, virgins to whorish one night stands....and I've done it all online alone. I'm also only 5'11 and very thin and not a looker. There's absolutely no excuse.
Gil:
I don't know if they have these where you live but in Minnesota we have a donation zoo and conservatory (the conservatory is awesome in the winter), cheap/free art museum, history museum, and lots of historic tours. If you or your date like history it could be fun to tour an old mansion together. Volunteering together is another fun way to spend time, save money and an added bonus of feeling good. And last but not least, get a frozen pizza, mountain dew, and play a co-op game.
I don't know if they have these where you live but in Minnesota we have a donation zoo and conservatory (the conservatory is awesome in the winter), cheap/free art museum, history museum, and lots of historic tours. If you or your date like history it could be fun to tour an old mansion together. Volunteering together is another fun way to spend time, save money and an added bonus of feeling good. And last but not least, get a frozen pizza, mountain dew, and play a co-op game.