Advice on how to solve a hypothetical situation

DarklordKyo

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I consider myself bisexual, and I'd be equally as willing to date a guy as I would a girl. That said, I've been taught for a long time, from my parents and events in my life, that one's family is one of the most important parts of a person's life, and that blood is generally thicker than water.

That said, it makes me kinda scared of the possibility of dating another dude, because my mom's convinced, through the events of a neighbor's life, that gay people are evil (with my cousin, who's a lesbian, presumably being the sole exception). For all I know, the person at the other end of the Red String of Fate might be another guy, and, when I brought up the possibility, my mom said that, while she'd tolerate it, it'd break her heart.

Presumably, the heartbreak would be from the lack of accessible grandkids, since she basically disowned my half-brother because he chose some lazy ***** over us (who ended up divorcing him eventually). Either that, or the fear that I've fallen into someone's trap, and that they'll ruin my life, or both.

If I were to marry another dude, would there be a way to be with him, and not break my mom's heart? I want to know if there's a third option somewhere.
 

TheMysteriousGX

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Third options: adoption and surrogacy.

Ultimately, your ma's just gonna have to deal with it.
 

Tanis

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Either your mother will love you for who you are, or she'll choose her children's book full of murder and hate.

It's the 21st Century, it's time for her (and folks like her) to deal with it.

As to children...adopt, use a surrogate, seriously...adopt.

You don't need to be fruitful and multiple anymore, there's enough humans now.
But most orphanages are shit shows and you'd really make a difference by adopting some poor kid forced into one.
 

Imperioratorex Caprae

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Family is not necessarily limited to blood relation, but rather the people who'll have your back no matter what. Even if they might disagree with, or not understand things you do/like/etc. Family, real family, transcends prejudice.
 

DarklordKyo

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I heard mentions of adoption, I'd like to clarify that she specifically meant biological grandkids.
 

Thaluikhain

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Well, advice from random strangers on the net isn't likely to be that helpful, but it doesn't look like there's a win there. Your family gets in the way of living your life, and without disowning your family, not much you can do.
 

Chimpzy_v1legacy

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DarklordKyo said:
I heard mentions of adoption, I'd like to clarify that she specifically meant biological grandkids.
If biological relation is important, you could look into surrogacy i.e. an arrangement where a woman carries a pregnancy for someone else, who becomes the newborns legal parent after birth.

Whether or not it is legal depends on what country (or which state in the US). For legal purposes tho, the key factor is usually where the surrogacy contract is completed, where the surrogate mother lives, and where the birth takes place. So if surrogacy happens to be banned in your country/state, you can circumvent it by crossing borders.

Of course, if you make the choice for surrogacy and decide to take the plunge, you'd be smart to do a lot of research first and probably also get some professional legal advice.
 

RobertEHouse

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Biological means having at least one shared DNA sequence shared by another parent. My friend.. Surrogatacy would still be considered a biological child to you, just not to your partner.

So in essence you would still have a biological grandchild.
 

The Rogue Wolf

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She sounds pretty selfish to me, demanding that you put her desire for grandkids above finding someone you love. I think it comes down to who you want to live your life for- yourself, or her?
 

Elvis Starburst

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She's just gonna have to deal with it, honestly. There's enough people in the world, choosing grand kids over the happiness of your son sounds like a selfish way of thinking. And if that's the choice she ends up choosing to make, then I'd be really disappointed that she wouldn't wanna be there for you the whole way through. A lot of people do hear of the "blood is thicker than water" thing, and while I agree with it to a point, I also disagree with it on an equal level.

Imperioratorex Caprae said:
Family is not necessarily limited to blood relation, but rather the people who'll have your back no matter what. Even if they might disagree with, or not understand things you do/like/etc. Family, real family, transcends prejudice.
Said much better than I could. This is what real family is
 

Redryhno

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It's your life, never restrain yourself because of what somebody else may or may not approve of if you want something. With a small, though still concerning amount of exceptions, your mother's going to come around to you being happy no matter what you do.

But the most important thing is that you at least discuss the possibility of this future. More relationships have been broken beyond repair because one or both parties refused to talk to one another, and a staggeringly large number of parent/child relationships have been lost not because of one or the other being gay, but because it was sprung on them without much warning and an instant demand of acceptance and championing. It's still a small shock and paradigm shift whether you're pro-, anti-, or neutral-gay.

And fuck the people here telling you that your ma has to deal with it, because that's not coming from understanding, it's coming from the mentality of "fuck you dad". Though if she disowns you as well and doesn't want to talk again, go right on ahead.
 
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because my mom's convinced, through the events of a neighbor's life, that gay people are evil (with my cousin, who's a lesbian, presumably being the sole exception)
If she has apparently made an exception for your cousin then why would she not make one for you?
 

Fdzzaigl

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Whatever you decide to do: the universe doesn't care.

Besides, why wonder about potential problems? You're not currently in a relationship / in love with another dude are you? So why put a brake on your life for problems that don't exist yet. If you do end up falling in love with that one dude, the situation in itself might give you the answer.
 

DarklordKyo

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Pallindromemordnillap said:
because my mom's convinced, through the events of a neighbor's life, that gay people are evil (with my cousin, who's a lesbian, presumably being the sole exception)
If she has apparently made an exception for your cousin then why would she not make one for you?
I'm not gay, I'm bi. I'm asking for the sake of a hypothetical husband I might get in the future (for all I know).
 

DarklordKyo

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The Rogue Wolf said:
She sounds pretty selfish to me, demanding that you put her desire for grandkids above finding someone you love. I think it comes down to who you want to live your life for- yourself, or her?
In her defense, a lot of it is also motivated by the misfortunes of a former neighbor of ours. Don't want that happening to me.
 

DarklordKyo

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Elvis Starburst said:
She's just gonna have to deal with it, honestly. There's enough people in the world, choosing grand kids over the happiness of your son sounds like a selfish way of thinking.
As I mentioned above, a lot of it is also motivated by not wanting me to suffer the same misfortunes a former neighbor of ours did.
 

DarklordKyo

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So, based on the various responses, am I fighting a losing battle when it comes to getting the best of both worlds if that hypothetical scenario were to come true?
 

RobertEHouse

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DarklordKyo said:
So, based on the various responses, am I fighting a losing battle when it comes to getting the best of both worlds if that hypothetical scenario were to come true?
Where did you get the idea you would not be able to get the best of both worlds?

** Mother made an exception to a "gay" relative which means she can do the same for you. She is not some bigot and sounds like a mother you should be proud to have. She sounds like she would be more then welcoming to you marrying or dating anyone you like. The whole comment about it breaking her heart is not exactly what you think. Read between the lines DarklordKyo , her actions with your relative speak for themselves.


** You want a biological child and the forum gave you the advice. Surrogacy allows you to have a biological child. Other than that what did you not get.


This is advice from someone whom has dealt with a lot of this stuff, you are putting to much pressure on yourself. Stop putting the wagon before the horse and if you find someone you like and marry. Then whoever they are i am sure you will learn quickly that all your worry is for nothing.
 

Elvis Starburst

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Redryhno said:
And fuck the people here telling you that your ma has to deal with it, because that's not coming from understanding, it's coming from the mentality of "fuck you dad". Though if she disowns you as well and doesn't want to talk again, go right on ahead.
Here I thought I was coming from the mentality of "If she refuses to be ok with it, don't let that determine your happiness for potentially the rest of your life with someone you love". A lot of parents do, say, or suggest things because they feel it's best for their child. And while that can often be true, sometimes it's not what makes the child happy. I've recently been having to tell my parents that I need to make my own choices and make my own mistakes or successes, regardless of how they feel about it, because it's my life to live and I can't always play the perfectly safe option
 

Abomination

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DarklordKyo said:
and that blood is generally thicker than water.
It's quite funny how this phrase has been taken out of context to such an extreme that it now means the opposite of its original meaning.

"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" is the full phrase. It means that those you CHOOSE to be with are more important than those you are associated to by family ties.

If someone in your family isn't happy about your life choices regarding your romantic partners then that family member, mother, sibling, cousin or otherwise, can go take a long walk off a short pier.