Am I over-reacting?
- Thread starter Vanguard_Ex
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I'm clearly the minority here, but sounds like it might be a bit drastic to break up because of that to me. If that's the only reason for the problem, remember that it happened quite a long time ago in your relationship and might have just been a regrettable mistake. It's a big mistake, but I honestly believe that people deserve a chance to learn from their mistakes and not be condemned outright.
It would be a shame to throw away an otherwise good relationship purely because of one distant problem in the past.
Out of curiosity, how did you find out she cheated on you?
It would be a shame to throw away an otherwise good relationship purely because of one distant problem in the past.
Out of curiosity, how did you find out she cheated on you?
Just 24 hours? homes, dump her ass. You will go to college and find a bunch of... hm... local girls with the ability to enter a local-relationship
I'm not defending her actions but you did say she was drunk correct? That coupled with the newness of your relationship can cause a freak out of sorts with woman. The fear of that commitment can make them do stupid things especially when coupled with alcohol. While I don't believe you're over-reacting in how hurt you are, I believe that the relationship isn't impossible to salvage. It depends on your decision.
My girlfriend did something similar but to a smaller degree. Shortly after we began dating she actually went out with another guy twice and had considered cheating on me. She didn't and nothing came of it but it was a difficult revelation for me. In her case, the guy had been someone she had been wanting to date for a year before she met me but he had never put the effort into it. Because of that she had been reluctant to begin with about dating me and when she eventually did decide to go out with me, she still wasn't sure. This prompted her to do these things behind my back.
It was a tough decision for me. On the one hand, I was very betrayed and needless to say, trust was out the window for the time being. I firmly believe that people should pay the consequences for their actions. But I could see the anguish she felt in telling me and how the dynamic in our relationship had changed from simply dating to love serious enough that we will probably be engaged by the end of our next and last year in college. That swayed me to give her another chance. What she did still bothers me but it doesn't change my feelings.
So for you, I guess the question is, does this change your feelings? What was done to me wasn't as severe as what was done to you so forgiving will not be so easy. If you feel that your relationship has evolved into something meaningful since that time, that your feelings haven't changed, and that you cold allow her to re-earn your trust eventually and that she would stay faithful and trustworthy, then you might be able to move past this. If any of those things aren't true, you'll have to make the hard decision I think and end it.
My girlfriend did something similar but to a smaller degree. Shortly after we began dating she actually went out with another guy twice and had considered cheating on me. She didn't and nothing came of it but it was a difficult revelation for me. In her case, the guy had been someone she had been wanting to date for a year before she met me but he had never put the effort into it. Because of that she had been reluctant to begin with about dating me and when she eventually did decide to go out with me, she still wasn't sure. This prompted her to do these things behind my back.
It was a tough decision for me. On the one hand, I was very betrayed and needless to say, trust was out the window for the time being. I firmly believe that people should pay the consequences for their actions. But I could see the anguish she felt in telling me and how the dynamic in our relationship had changed from simply dating to love serious enough that we will probably be engaged by the end of our next and last year in college. That swayed me to give her another chance. What she did still bothers me but it doesn't change my feelings.
So for you, I guess the question is, does this change your feelings? What was done to me wasn't as severe as what was done to you so forgiving will not be so easy. If you feel that your relationship has evolved into something meaningful since that time, that your feelings haven't changed, and that you cold allow her to re-earn your trust eventually and that she would stay faithful and trustworthy, then you might be able to move past this. If any of those things aren't true, you'll have to make the hard decision I think and end it.
Maybe, this is why it's so difficult.LawlessSquirrel said:
I found out today because she told me, via text if it matters. And I had to coerce it out of her.
There are two major factors in this:
She is capable of cheating.
You are going to be away for three years, so minimal contact.
Why try and spend that time with someone who is capable of sleeping around within 24 hours of a relationship (when most people are in the hormonal "crazy in love" stage) when you will have three years around (hopefully) intelligent women whom you can see on a regular basis and create a closer relationship with? They are much less likely to cheat due to the distance between you being closer, and you have a much better chance of gauging their integrity.
I personally don't think cheating is (normally) forgiveable; However, if she was living right near you I may have suggested giving her one more chance, but and in this circumstance you are putting a lot at risk really if you do.
She may do it again.
You may be tempted to when you are at Uni surrounded by other women.
The relationship may just fall apart because of distance and lack of contact anyway.
She is capable of cheating.
You are going to be away for three years, so minimal contact.
Why try and spend that time with someone who is capable of sleeping around within 24 hours of a relationship (when most people are in the hormonal "crazy in love" stage) when you will have three years around (hopefully) intelligent women whom you can see on a regular basis and create a closer relationship with? They are much less likely to cheat due to the distance between you being closer, and you have a much better chance of gauging their integrity.
I personally don't think cheating is (normally) forgiveable; However, if she was living right near you I may have suggested giving her one more chance, but and in this circumstance you are putting a lot at risk really if you do.
She may do it again.
You may be tempted to when you are at Uni surrounded by other women.
The relationship may just fall apart because of distance and lack of contact anyway.
I'm with you. For me, no amount of alcohol excuses cheating, because it's just too easy to induce, in terms of circumstances...if that makes sense.Legion said:
I should clarify here that she hasn't actually slept with someone else, it was kissing.
On one hand, the newness of the relationship, the drunkness of the person during the act, and the distance all play mitigating factors.
But if she didn't tell you after three years, and required your cajoling in order to get the truth out of her, cut the cord. I am in a long distance relationship as well, and I understand the difficulty that it entails when you love someone from afar. It takes a higher level of commitment to pull off because of the fact that you aren't able to do the things that most others in a relationship take for granted. It sounds like you are ready for such a commitment, but it isn't for everyone (IE the significant other.) Trust and transparency is paramount in this situation. You can't interact on a constant basis and so you need to be able to know that your other half is trustworthy.
There are plenty of women to choose from in the world. One that will be devoted to you is not that exotic of a request. If I can find a woman that meets my highly unrealistic and esoteric standards of intellect, fortitude, martial prowess, poetic inclination, moral rectitude, political awareness, etc, you can find one that is not going to cheat on you 24 hours after the beginning of your relationship, only telling you after a pulling of teeth.
But if she didn't tell you after three years, and required your cajoling in order to get the truth out of her, cut the cord. I am in a long distance relationship as well, and I understand the difficulty that it entails when you love someone from afar. It takes a higher level of commitment to pull off because of the fact that you aren't able to do the things that most others in a relationship take for granted. It sounds like you are ready for such a commitment, but it isn't for everyone (IE the significant other.) Trust and transparency is paramount in this situation. You can't interact on a constant basis and so you need to be able to know that your other half is trustworthy.
There are plenty of women to choose from in the world. One that will be devoted to you is not that exotic of a request. If I can find a woman that meets my highly unrealistic and esoteric standards of intellect, fortitude, martial prowess, poetic inclination, moral rectitude, political awareness, etc, you can find one that is not going to cheat on you 24 hours after the beginning of your relationship, only telling you after a pulling of teeth.
Cheating happens. She's human. Humans make mistakes. You're perfectly right to be hurt and angry. But, I think it's something to be talked over with her before you break things off.
If you go through life waiting for someone who will never hurt you, never wrong you, then you're going to end up looking forever.
Talk to her, find out if it has happened since then, why she didn't tell you, how she feels about it etc.
Given that it was a drunken mistake, while not excusing it, plays a factor. Talk to her.
If you go through life waiting for someone who will never hurt you, never wrong you, then you're going to end up looking forever.
Talk to her, find out if it has happened since then, why she didn't tell you, how she feels about it etc.
Given that it was a drunken mistake, while not excusing it, plays a factor. Talk to her.
Although I personally havn't had a long distance relationship, I do know of a few people who have.
The thing is, ask her.
Ha, Mr. 'Simple-in-theory' answer guy. But it's true.
If she can continue with it, then do. If this 'one slip' becomes a regular thing then...cut that cord my friend.
Plus at Uni it might be nicer if you can be more...open with relationships.
The thing is, ask her.
Ha, Mr. 'Simple-in-theory' answer guy. But it's true.
If she can continue with it, then do. If this 'one slip' becomes a regular thing then...cut that cord my friend.
Plus at Uni it might be nicer if you can be more...open with relationships.
Hell no. It's both of us or neither of us. Sorry, I do take everyone's posts here into account and reflect on them, but I could never, ever be in an open relationship.Chrono212 said:
Unlesssss...you meant open as in honesty...
I would let her go. Plus, there is the possibility that you will meet someone new at school. Good luck with whatever choice you make.
The way I see it, that if my girlfriend were to drunkenly flirt with a guy or even go so far as to make out with a guy- that could be forgiven. Especially if it was a random event or there wasn't any connection between them since the incident. I say COULD be forgiven. It's all circumstantial, but things can be forgiven. People make mistakes, and that is one thats on the fence.
But if she slept with another guy- in the first week of your relationship, and kept it a secret this ENTIRE time without telling you, when it is a pretty big deal, then thats immediately something that would ruin the entire relationship. It happened so quickly when she knew she was in a relationship and then just tried to act like it didn't happen, when she intends to be in the long-haul with a long-distance relationship. I would break up.
If for some reason you do think you love the girl, enough to think you would end up regretting that decision- take a break and see if you can mend things- though in my experience its just wasting time before you get into another, better relationship.
The best thing to remember, though, is to not try and get back together with her if you end things with her. Getting back together with an ex hardly ever works, especially when theres cheating involved.
But if she slept with another guy- in the first week of your relationship, and kept it a secret this ENTIRE time without telling you, when it is a pretty big deal, then thats immediately something that would ruin the entire relationship. It happened so quickly when she knew she was in a relationship and then just tried to act like it didn't happen, when she intends to be in the long-haul with a long-distance relationship. I would break up.
If for some reason you do think you love the girl, enough to think you would end up regretting that decision- take a break and see if you can mend things- though in my experience its just wasting time before you get into another, better relationship.
The best thing to remember, though, is to not try and get back together with her if you end things with her. Getting back together with an ex hardly ever works, especially when theres cheating involved.
If it was that soon, you were barely in a relationship. Whatever, don't let that bother you. However, you are going to uni. For the love of all things holy, go single. You will regret if you try and keep a relationship, especially a distance one, at uni.