Anyone got any funny D&D stories?

[LarenzoAOG]

I was looking through some old charecter sheets earlier because I couldn't sleep and I started thinking of some of the funny shit that happened during some of our campaigns.

During one a buddy of mine who was fairly new to the game started playing with me and some friends, after reading through the Player's Handbook he decided he would take on a support role and made a cleric charecter, while we were rapping up after a session I took a look at my buddies charecter sheet and noticed he didn't have a deity so I asked him about it, he said "Well I'm atheist, I figured I'd make an atheist charecter," to which I replied "Clerics get their powers from the god they worship, how else would you be healing us and casting spells?" without missing a beat he repiles "Well I'm sure there is a perfecty reasonable scientific explanation." And many a laugh was had.

During another campaign I was DMing a buddy sold the armor he was wearing to by an enchantment for his greatsword, as he left the enchanter's shop I informed him that the city guardsmen began chasing him, when he asked why I told him "They saw you walk into the shop wearing fullplate armor, you then sold that armor to enchant your sword with fire, as you walked out of the shop they noticed a naked man wielding a large flaming sword, they didn't know what was going on but they assumed it wasn't very wholesome." Again, many a laugh was had.

During another campaign, this one epic level, the party was tasked with retrieving The Codex of the Infinite Planes, which is basically a giant book containg all the knowledge ever. After a lot of badass high level ass whoopin' we eventually found the Codex and the DM gave the description that was in the book, pretty much a huge book that takes 4 strong men to lift, our party of four included one fighter specializing in ranged combat, one cleric, one halfling rouge/bard, and a wizard, we tried to lift the Codex but failed the unnesecarily high difficulty check to lift the damn thing, so we sat around the table for a good 15 minutes trying to think of what to do next, at which point one of my party members said "Fuck it, if this thing contains all the knowledge in the universe it must have a chapter on how to lift the fucking thing," and opened the book, at which point the DM informed us an earthquake caused the roof to collapse on us killing the entire party. Once again, fucking hilarious.

So, you have any funny tales from the table top?

EDIT: Just remembered "Chad the Gentlemanly Pimp" we were playing a fairly high level game, not quite Epic level but close, our party bought a warehouse in the city that we spent the most time in, we used it to store extra loot we didn't want to sell and our piles of money, my friend Chad who was a Bard with pretty high Diplomacy decided we weren't making enough money so he started using his Diplomacy skill as well as Suggestion and Dominate Person to build up a large following of whores.

We actually played this pimping game for a while, at the time I was playing a Half Dragon barbarian who made an excelent enforcer, the other member of our party was a rouge with levels in assassin, he took out our competitors stealthily as well as making sure the city guard turned a blind eye, after a few weeks of running the piming buisness we had made more money than we had in about 15 levels worth of adventuring, but then we got bored.

In all seriousness it was fucking fun, I would highly reccomend a game where you run some kind of illicit buisness in an urban setting, whole new challenges and play style.

 

[SL33TBL1ND]

Pretty much all of mine are "you had to be there" stories. So no.

 

[LarenzoAOG]

Pretty much all of mine are "you had to be there" stories. So no.

Damn, I litterally just made the thread, you are fast my friend.

 

[SL33TBL1ND]

Pretty much all of mine are "you had to be there" stories. So no.

Damn, I litterally just made the thread, you are fast my friend.

Fastest non-contributing poster ever, man.

 

[LarenzoAOG]

Pretty much all of mine are "you had to be there" stories. So no.

Damn, I litterally just made the thread, you are fast my friend.

Fastest non-contributing poster ever, man.

True, I only wish I had some prize to give you.

 

[Addendum_Forthcoming]

ME: "Okay, so what are you doing?"

Ted: "I'm going to cast my empowered, maximised, purified Flameblade and quickened animal growth on my Dire Eagle ..."

ME: ".... The Beholders say 'No'"

 

[Engarde]

I heard of a story from a friend. Don't exactly remember how it went, but thanks to a crazy wizard, too much booze, and a badly botched transform spell, one of the party was turned into a giant acid blob.

I had a one, on out very first game where we all really didn't know what was going on (DM included) that we ended up convincing the DM to let us use an ice spell to stop one of our party bleeding out. We carried around his cryogenically frozen body and tried to defrost him in a river, but he slipped out of our hands and nearly smashed on some rocks.

 

[skullbone]

i one time when my dwarf fighter that was too strong for its own good got mind controlled and it ended up with my mates elven ranger using spider slipper things and ran onto the roof in the room so i couldnt hit him with my axe lol

 

[Your once and future Fanboy]

Not that I can remember.
I got a good joke though..

4th Edition...End of joke

 

[Naeras]

Player 1: "I'm doing a trap check here." /roll
DM: "You uncover a hidden spike trap in the floor right in front of you."
Player 2: "I push player 1 into the hole."
Player 1: "NO YOU FUCKING DON'T"
DM: "Okay, player 1 got pushed into the trap."
Player 1: "What the- seriously?!"
DM: /rolls "Oh my."


Player 2 now grins like an idiot and player 1 starts raging.

 

[Nickolai77]

Ah, D&D, brings back memories from when i was in 6th form college, used to play it a lot then.

There was this one time when me and a party of three others were clearing out this tomb full of skeletons, which we dealt with in due course, leaving our only remaining adversary- an alter which had been possessed by some sort of demonic power, and it was hurling fireballs at us.

We all dived into cover behind some pillars. My character, a wizard, was the only one with any ranged abilities, so i used my last magic missiles on the alter, which damaged it but did not kill it. This meant now that we would have to charge across the room in a banzai run towards the alter in a bid to hack it to death with swords. Naturally, none of us wanted to do this.

Then one of my friends had the idea of picking up objects on the floor, such as bits of bone, wood and general rubbish, and throwing it at the alter. The DM consented to this idea, and so we all began lobbing these random items at the alter, incrementally reducing it's health each turn. At one point, one of my friends lobbed a brick at the alter, and the DM rolled the dice and declared that the alter had "dodged!" the attack. We found this rather funny and we had a laugh about that.

Then one of my party spotted a wicker basket on the floor and asked if he could throw that. The DM said yes, and he threw the basket, and it was a successful hit! The alter was destroyed by the basket. We then went over the to destroyed alter, and my friend decided to retrieve the basket. The DM then declared that the evil spirit in the alter had now been transferred into the basket, so naturally my friend claimed the basket as his own.

From that day on he used the "evil basket" as part of his inventory. Whenever we were unsure wherever to, say, open a chest or go right or left, my friend would consult the evil basket, and always do the opposite to what the basket, or DM of course, recommends. This is because being an evil basket, it always gave bad advise.

There was also a time when one of my friends characters caught chlamydia, but i can't remember the finer details of that story.

 

[StormShaun]

Well, once me and some mates were taking turns being the DM, this is for fun, we had an adventure, we had arrived at the base of a mountain and yours truly became DM, so we went up the hill and did our adventure, exited the mountain cave and I made a person fall of the cliff on purpose, then I made he horse poop on him and he tried to kill me, so me and my best friend had to fight him and my other friend, but then I smashed the guy in the balls with a ball and chain and then we all died by falling boulders.

 

[JWRosser]

I think we play quite an old edition. There's an on-going joke that one of the characters (Mialee) is shit and no one can pronounce her name correctly.

Additionally, the guy who is our DM takes his own twist on it - he has basically said that he wants us to have an experience, as opposed to him wanting to win. For example, on one level he made up this entire backstory for a goblin that we killed, and then his father came to avenge him. It was actually very emotional. He's a fantastic DM - he basically gives the generic enemies personalities, and tweaks the story.

We also have an array of music at the ready - usually Final Fantasy music, or LotR, or 300 or similar 'epic' films, for battles, exploration and when someone dies: occasionally a character will perform a long, hilarious, emotional monologue before they die.

Hey, we're drama students - we've taken this in to our own hands and it's AWESOME! I'm generally crying with laughter.

 

[Syzygy23]

All of my players think arson is the solution to all their problems. I cannot do medieval settings anymore, or any setting that uses a lot of wood or other flammable material in their architecture. Over the course of 3 campaigns they managed to burn down each of the the 3 main towns and get away with it. The first two times it was to cover up them assassinating the captain of the guard and accidentally killing a hooker. The third time was because a bartender offended one of them so he lit the bar on fire, which spread to EVERYTHING. And the bartender was LEGITIMATELY pissed at the PC because he performed an act of public defecation out her second story window.

This is mainly why I stick to Iron Kingdoms and Dark Heresy nowadays.

 

[Ultress]

A few stories: During my first campaign, the party is fighting a zombie troll,it could have been something else I just remember zombie troll,with him using his leg to attack us through a trap door.I ended up yelling your mother likes Mudkips,which causes him to retract his leg,bring down his clubbing arm,critical misses,falls 4 floors,and is impaled on a Javelin one of the other players had thrown at the beginning of the dungeon.

I ended up getting so drunk in game that I fought a chamber pot and lost.

Playing over the summer and we have a new guy.So me and my friend kinda give him some crap like calling him prison ***** and redshirt,all in good fun of course. Then at the end of a session through some weird events my friend ends up blinding the guy for a minute and he curse us out in abyssal,it ends up backfiring and gives himself soul rot.


Also we had a ten minute conversation trying to convince a wildern named Patrick Swayze that one of our party members raped trees.

 

[Jaime_Wolf]

(1) Player (in all sense of the word) with his first high CHA bard: "What would I roll for a ranged whoring check?"

(2) Player: "Great, so we've found a secret dirt-merchant and you put all of your skill points into underwater basket weaving. This is the best adventure ever."

(3) Player wanted to worship a particular god that didn't exist in the setting we were playing, which had a single large church organization. When I didn't give in and let him just add the god (which would have been a problem for the planned campaign), he named his paladin of the church Thutcher Chusucks. I couldn't tell why everyone kept laughing when I said it a few times trying to figure out how to pronounce it. I never caught on until someone told me about a week later. The name has become a common joke within our group.

(4) Probably my favorite adventure I ever cooked up though was one of the first games I tried my hand at DMing (our regular DM was getting tired and bored of it). We were playing in Eberron and I did a fantasy recreation of the Thomas Crown Affair (I had casually asked if anyone had seen it about a week before), with the twist that the bowler caps were all Hats of Disguise. Ever since, every one of my players has been immediately suspicious of all characters wearing hats.

 

[RemuValtrez]

I remember playing an early game of one of my characters, an Elf Ranger named Artemis. I had climbed a tower to get to the top to fight some guy, and he ran. So I was stuck on the roof without a way down. I sat there for five minutes thinking away, got bored n kicked a brick off the roof to gauge the distance. Ended up killing some person down there and lost alignment.

Another one, traveling with as a huge warrior with a very powerful female mage. I ended up pissing her off, so she knocked me out, summoned a coffin and buried me. So most of that travel was with me being dragged along underground in a coffin screaming and hollering. And her just having fun.

Annndd the last one that came to mind wasn't as funny when it happened, but there are a lot of jokes about it now. I was arguing with my friend the DM about... something that annoyed me. Either way, he ended up getting pissed at me and black lightning'd my ass. Never did quite learn my lesson.

Oh, and probably my best moment. I was playing a Dwarf warrior, attempting to join the Gutbuster Brigade. So my dwarf was a huge drunk. Well, deciding to role play it to the core, whenever I drank (All the time) I would spout off mostly incoherent words. One time I was drinking and looking at a fellow group member, and started mumbling about how he looked like my aunt, started touching his face and mentioning he even had the beard as well. Ended up stopping the game due to laughing so hard from the crap I was saying. And then stopped the game permanently as we woke up his parents at 1:00am from the laughing. One of my friends got banned from that house because they hated his laugh that much after that night.

 

[Cowabungaa]

We just started playing a while ago, and one of the more erm...driven players had a 'fun' idea for a character; a gnome paladin. One with diplomacy skills no less. *deep sign*

If that didn't nearly make me facepalm, within ten minutes of starting the campaign he was already putting those diplomacy skills to good use, by threatening to bash someone's head in with a mace. Just picture that, a tiny gnome with a mace delivering all kinds of threats. Oh yeah very impressive.

Worst is, he's the kind of guy who always insists on taking the roleplaying/diplomatic lead. I just hope my DM is going to steer us to less friendly places, where my back-alley Half-Elf spy can do the talking.

Also, two games ago our entire group took quite a bit of damage. What was the biggest cause of damage? Not the lizardmen, not the huge centipedes, not the absolutely massive still-unidentified monster, no it was butting our damned heads while crawling through a hole. Who took the worst damage? My rogue with 18 friggin' Dex.