Are you a "nice guy"?

Cinderella Man

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I guess you could say I'm a nice guy, coupled with the fact I'm a bit spineless. I'm polite and courteous, go out of my way to help people, and all the etc & etc thats already been mentioned by all the before posts. But I'm a bit spineless so I'm the 'great guy friend' to the girl I like.

But being nice has been misconstrued by others that I'm easily broken, easy to walk all over, and nothing to worry about, but I refuse to let that happen (some people who have tried to have realised that I'm not an easy person to be just tossed away like no problem). It happened to me to much in primary school, and now I refuse to let it happen. If someone treats me like a worthless piece of shit, then you bet that they will receive the same amount of courtesy back at them.
 
Apr 24, 2008
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Daveman said:
I'm a prick who is also extremely conscientious. Doesn't help me get girls. I kind of finally figured out recently that it is in fact much easier for me to change my physical appearance than become less cynical and whiny.

The really sad thing is that I realised this when playing the Sims.
Thanks for that laugh. I always appreciate blunt honesty.

OT: "Nice" is a word I would typically use to describe myself, though I doubt I really fit in with this definition.

If "nice" has lost it's actual meaning to yet another fickle trend(I swear some people read the post before theirs and then adopt that opinion as their own...just as long as it was asserted forcefully enough), I guess I'll pick "friendly".

I'm very friendly to anyone who will accept it for what it is. Not by means of self-censorship, filtering, conscious effort or premeditation. It's my default setting, I actually find myself trying to dial back my good nature as to not give anyone the wrong idea. Some people only need to be shown a little kindness to become clingy, and that's not what I'm after.
dogstile said:
I'm not a nice guy. Tried it, figured out that nice guys are just manipulative dicks who aren't honest about it because I made friends with other nice guys.

At least assholes are easy to read
The idea of trying out personalities like off the rack clothing or unattended bowls of porridge seems pretty manipulative to me.
 

Griffstar

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anthony87 said:
I used to be.

But then I realised that I didn't like forcing niceness for the sake of other people so now I'm as blunt as can be. That's not to say I'm not nice to my friends or anything like that. One day I just found that I tend to come off as more assertive and whatnot while being the sarcastic fucker that I always kept quiet in order to be polite.
This basically. Couldn't of said it better.
 

InsanelyZanter

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Aug 8, 2010
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I would fall into this, what with everyone commenting on my general politeness, having more female friends then guy friends (Even though both numbers are low) and being single. But i'm hopelessly overconfident, can be a massive prick when the need arises, and am annoyingly and openly cynical toward a lot of stuff.

So a very weird mixture, I guess. Never been dumped due to nice guy status but my pursuits at romance have so far been completely ignoring the stuff.
 

WOPR

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artanis_neravar said:
Just curious, how old are you? Oh and if you find out they only invited you over to fix their computer tell them no, you won't fix it right now, if they want you to fix it then they can pick a time for you to come over and and do specifically that
I'm 18, almost 19, and the job is my very first job haha
and yeaaaaaah... I just end up fixing it because it takes like 5 minutes
and we do end up hanging out the rest of the time
 

Dogstile

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Sexual Harassment Panda said:
dogstile said:
I'm not a nice guy. Tried it, figured out that nice guys are just manipulative dicks who aren't honest about it because I made friends with other nice guys.

At least assholes are easy to read
The idea of trying out personalities like off the rack clothing or unattended bowls of porridge seems pretty manipulative to me.
Well, mr brilliant username (i've wanted to congratulate you on that for a while without doing it out of the blue) its quite simple. It was less a "I tried this" but more of a "I was this, but then I found out what most people were like and became bitter and hateful because of it".

Now I have more in common with assholes than nice guys, so that's how it worked out. Wasn't really me going "hey, i'll be steve the bi-curious tonight, that'll show the ladies!".
 

SirDoom

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Glass Joe the Champ said:
Hey guys, just asked a lady friend out today, and I got the whole "You a really nice guy, but..." speech about "not wanting to ruin our friendship" that inevitably ended with "...but I still want to stay friends." [small](Except she's going to avoid me like the plague from now on, so it's not like we're really going to stay friends)[/small] Story of my life...

[/useless whining]

Anyway, is anyone else here a "nice guy" in other people's eyes? By "nice guy" I mean someone who tries to be courteous and polite to everyone, but comes off as having no confidence or masculinity. Someone who has a lot of friends that are girls, but no girlfriend. Someone who when they like a girl, makes the mistake of becoming their close platonic friend because they're too timid to ask them out. Someone who lets other people walk all over them in an attempt to please everyone. Ect, ect...

[small](In some circles, this is also known as being a "huge, spineless pussy".)[/small]

I've been trying to get rid of the "nice guy" persona for some time now and be more confident and assertive, but I keep falling back into old habits. Does anyone else have this problem? And to the .01% of this site that are women, what exactly is bad or unattractive about "nice guys" anyway?

Oh, and sorry if this topic's been done to death. I couldn't find anything on the search bar, but I have a feeling it's been done before.
Shall we go over this point by point? I think we shall

Anyway, is anyone else here a "nice guy" in other people's eyes? By "nice guy" I mean someone who tries to be courteous and polite to everyone-
Yes. A little politeness never hurt anybody.

but comes off as having no confidence or masculinity
I'm a very patient person, so some may see me as having low confidence. But if you piss me off, and I mean really piss me off, I WILL call you out on it. As far as masculinity goes, I don't really care about that. I personally go for more of an androgynous look when possible. Looks better on me.

Someone who has a lot of friends that are girls, but no girlfriend.
Not currently having a girlfriend is not a really good criteria for judging things. Even the men who have been in the most relationships have dry spells here and there, or take breaks. As far as friends who are girls, yes, I do have a lot of them. It does pay off though- They try to introduce me to other girls. I'm perfectly fine with having female friends, but that's just it- you have to be friends. You can't just let them use you as a stepping stool, like most "nice guys" like to do.

Someone who when they like a girl, makes the mistake of becoming their close platonic friend because they're too timid to ask them out.
I'll admit, I've fallen victim to this one once, although not this exact scenario. Technically, I did ask her out. Technically, she did say yes. Then for the next several months, she acted like we were in a "platonic relationship". That being a platonic friendship, but telling anyone who asked we were in a relationship, basically. Being as patient as I am (could be seen as timidity, I guess), it took several months before I called her out on this BS (trust me, there was some serious BS going on here. Too much to mention here though). The only problem was that I waited too long and let all the small crap build up. Things quickly deteriorated afterward. Since then, I've stopped putting off talking about problems until that point. (What's easier- saying "return my calls, would you kindly?" now, or going over a detailed list of 519 unreturned calls a year down the road? Yeah, thought so.)

Can't deny that I sometimes still want to just say "Oh, I'll ask tomorrow... or the next day... or whenever..." though. I just choose not to. It's far better in the long run.

Someone who lets other people walk all over them in an attempt to please everyone. Ect, ect...
Nope. The only time anything close to that has happened to me is in the above scenario, and I wouldn't describe that as walking all over me so much as ignoring me. When people actively try to walk over me, I call them out on it. Always.

---

In short, being nice has probably done me more good than not. It can be a big plus in a lot of cases. You just have to have the backbone to call people out when they try to bullshit you, and you have to know when to say enough. Get that down, and everything should work out for you.
 

rosac

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Sep 13, 2008
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Glass Joe the Champ said:
Hey guys, just asked a lady friend out today, and I got the whole "You a really nice guy, but..." speech about "not wanting to ruin our friendship" that inevitably ended with "...but I still want to stay friends." [small](Except she's going to avoid me like the plague from now on, so it's not like we're really going to stay friends)[/small] Story of my life...

[/useless whining]

Anyway, is anyone else here a "nice guy" in other people's eyes? By "nice guy" I mean someone who tries to be courteous and polite to everyone, but comes off as having no confidence or masculinity. Someone who has a lot of friends that are girls, but no girlfriend. Someone who when they like a girl, makes the mistake of becoming their close platonic friend because they're too timid to ask them out. Someone who lets other people walk all over them in an attempt to please everyone. Ect, ect...

[small](In some circles, this is also known as being a "huge, spineless pussy".)[/small]

I've been trying to get rid of the "nice guy" persona for some time now and be more confident and assertive, but I keep falling back into old habits. Does anyone else have this problem? And to the .01% of this site that are women, what exactly is bad or unattractive about "nice guys" anyway?

Oh, and sorry if this topic's been done to death. I couldn't find anything on the search bar, but I have a feeling it's been done before.
Yes.My father said I was too nice to get anywhere with anything, especially women. I do really love my father at times.
 
Jan 27, 2011
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Hugga_Bear said:
Hagi said:
I don't think acting extremely polite at all times, pretending to be friends while you really want something romantic and letting others walk all over you is being nice, in any way or form.

It's only one step down from manipulative in that you're doing it out of fear, but it's a far distance from actually being nice.

People don't walk over you because they're assholes, they walk over you because you're lying face down and basically asking them. And in the end if you ever talk about it they just feel guilty about doing it and you feel bad for letting it happen.

Girls don't reject you because they like jerks or whatever. They don't like you because there's nothing there to like, all there is are nods and smiles. There's no person behind all that extreme politeness. And in the end if you ever do ask her out she just feels extremely guilty about turning you down and you feel like crap for getting rejected.

By acting like a "nice guy" you're hurting yourself and your friends. That's not being nice in any sense of the word.

Real nice guys like helping others, they like giving advice, they like sharing their opinion, they like being just friends with girls, they like being polite most of the time and they don't let anyone walk over them.

EDIT: Real nice guys act the way they do because that's the person they want to be and they don't whine about it. "Nice guys" act the way they do either because they're afraid to act any other way or for the sake of another person (pretending to be a friend != nice) and whenever they get the chance they do seem to whine about it.
This, a thousand times this. The amount of 'nice guys' I see who are pretentious, manipulative dicks is fucking disgusting. If you want to get your dick wet then fine do your play or whatever you feel you need to do to compensate for who you are but you don't get to whine afterwards because opening the door for her didn't make her legs open.

I call it 'Nice Guy Syndrome' or NGS. It's common enough and pretty revolting.
See, I'm a nice guy, an actual nice guy. I'm courteous unless you give me reason not to, I'm polite (ignoring the above paragraph) and I do nice things, from holding doors to covering costs with no worries. The difference between me (and all other nice people) and people with NGS is I don't do it to get laid. I'm nice to EVERYONE. Not just pretty faces or big breasts. I'm also nice regardless of scoring chance. I'm nice because I am, sod knows why.

Oh and you know the really great thing? It's never harmed me. You can be nice without being a complete pushover and nice is not the same as lacking in confidence. Women like confidence it's one of the main reasons 'bad boys' are considered attractive. It's entirely possible while being nice.

So, yeah I don't know. I'm not a 'nice guy' but I'm generally considered to be nice. I have to admit I don't actually like who I am so this is off what people say about me rather than my own feelings. NGS is a painful thing to watch and I'm glad sufferers so often get dumped on their rears, it's an extremely ugly trait.
@ Hagi: Well said. I approve.

@ hugga bear: Well high five, my fellow chivalous guy. I'm happy being nice never hurt you. I...wasn't so lucky. Coupled with my low self-esteem, being super nice led to me being an reeaaaal easy target for bullies. High school was hell for me.

That being said, I'm still a nice guy. At least, I try my best to be.
 
Apr 24, 2008
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dogstile said:
Sexual Harassment Panda said:
dogstile said:
I'm not a nice guy. Tried it, figured out that nice guys are just manipulative dicks who aren't honest about it because I made friends with other nice guys.

At least assholes are easy to read
The idea of trying out personalities like off the rack clothing or unattended bowls of porridge seems pretty manipulative to me.
Well, mr brilliant username (i've wanted to congratulate you on that for a while without doing it out of the blue) its quite simple. It was less a "I tried this" but more of a "I was this, but then I found out what most people were like and became bitter and hateful because of it".

Now I have more in common with assholes than nice guys, so that's how it worked out. Wasn't really me going "hey, i'll be steve the bi-curious tonight, that'll show the ladies!".
So presumably you're judging yourself by the standards of others right now?

I feel like my behaviour is dictated by what my conscience is comfortable with. If something is conflicting, I won't do it...and I sleep like a feckin' baby for it. But, I do have a habit of refusing to mince my words or dilute my thoughts, and I do end up pissing people off. But to my mind they're the assholes for showing such little appreciation for honesty. If I felt like I was the asshole, I assume I'd auto-adjust...and I thought this was basically true for everyone.

In short, I guess I figured that assholes were assholes because they don't see themselves as assholes. Making sense? The idea of "I'm an asshole, but that's fine" seems a little off to me.
 

Captain_Fantastic

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i actually used to be one of those guys i was only nice to people that i wanted to get with. and this got me wound up in a bunch of drama but i did realize i liked being nice to people. and so ive been a genuine nice person not just for getting some, but for the fact that it gives me a good image to be proud of and its enjoyable. my only rules are that if somebody pisses me off im not going to be nice about it.and if you dont return kindness i wont continue.and after a horrid plane crash failure of a relationship(if it could be called a relationship) and not being interested in any other people(and nobody being interested in me that i know of)ive decided that im going to continue on and not look for that such thing let them come to me because im tired of trying only for people to turn on me when i do(im no pick up artist im far from it). i do hate the "player" types that would drop a good relationship for a better looking girl at the drop of a hat. and i blame my being single on the place i live though that sounds shallow of me the town is known for the lack of "selection" and im not too awkward myself. so i doubt im woman repellant
 

Dogstile

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Sexual Harassment Panda said:
dogstile said:
Sexual Harassment Panda said:
dogstile said:
I'm not a nice guy. Tried it, figured out that nice guys are just manipulative dicks who aren't honest about it because I made friends with other nice guys.

At least assholes are easy to read
The idea of trying out personalities like off the rack clothing or unattended bowls of porridge seems pretty manipulative to me.
Well, mr brilliant username (i've wanted to congratulate you on that for a while without doing it out of the blue) its quite simple. It was less a "I tried this" but more of a "I was this, but then I found out what most people were like and became bitter and hateful because of it".

Now I have more in common with assholes than nice guys, so that's how it worked out. Wasn't really me going "hey, i'll be steve the bi-curious tonight, that'll show the ladies!".
So presumably you're judging yourself by the standards of others right now?

I feel like my behaviour is dictated by what my conscience is comfortable with. If something is conflicting, I won't do it...and I sleep like a feckin' baby for it. But, I do have a habit of refusing to mince my words or dilute my thoughts, and I do end up pissing people off. But to my mind they're the assholes for showing such little appreciation for honesty. If I felt like I was the asshole, I assume I'd auto-adjust...and I thought this was basically true for everyone.

In short, I guess I figured that assholes were assholes because they don't see themselves as assholes. Making sense? The idea of "I'm an asshole, but that's fine" seems a little off to me.
Yeah it makes sense. I've just figured that being an asshole has worked out quite well for me. Being nice to the people I know, that's fair enough, but everyone else gets a big fuck you and a hearty farewell. I sleep like a baby because my conscience is comfortable with that because when it comes down to it, everyone puts themselves first. I just don't do it in the nicest way, i'm direct about it and it gets me where I want to be.

And yes, I judge myself by other peoples standards (like how odd it is that I keep answering peoples first sentences last. Gotta stop that, its annoying me too)
 

artanis_neravar

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WOPR said:
artanis_neravar said:
Just curious, how old are you? Oh and if you find out they only invited you over to fix their computer tell them no, you won't fix it right now, if they want you to fix it then they can pick a time for you to come over and and do specifically that
I'm 18, almost 19, and the job is my very first job haha
and yeaaaaaah... I just end up fixing it because it takes like 5 minutes
and we do end up hanging out the rest of the time
OK that helps explain it, I would like to say that sooner or later you'll find the right person as long as you keep looking and are confident. If you have issues with confidence, just take a deep breathe, smile and stand up straight (or lean forward if you are sitting, elbows on the table with your hands knit together in some form) and make eye contact. And just talk, if you find yourself stuttering just take another deep breathe, and maybe laugh at yourself a bit (just a light chuckle). Just remember it's all about appearance as long as you look confident then it doesn't matter if you are nervous inside.


Don't know if this actually applies to you if it does, then good I'm not completely out of it, if not then oh well maybe it will help someone else.
 

brinvixen

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Mar 3, 2011
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Rarhnor said:
Buddy, you weren't rejected because you were are a nice guy. You were rejected because you aren't her type, so she tried to reject you, in a light manner (ladies...don't do this shit it).

Don't get rid of the "niceguy" persona. You stick with it. Ladies love the dorky nice guy.
Quoted for truth. Whenever I break up with a guy, or reject a guy, I don't say that "you're a nice guy but" spiel, because that isn't the truth. The truth is: I just don't like him. There is no sensible young lady out there who really wants to date a jerk. She may want someone who can challenge her, someone with confidence or a bit of backbone. She may even like a guy with a bit of attitude. But a full out asshole? Not unless she suffers from the need to be abused or dominated.

You just weren't your type. She should have told you that to your face.
 

Azarhac

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Oct 30, 2010
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If by "nice guy" you mean the guy who is just awkwardly silent but still polite when spoken to, but secretly wants to murder everyone then yeah sure...
 

jopomeister

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Apr 7, 2010
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Definitely, bar the no-girlfriend part of the deal. I got lucky and met someone, and we became partners before actually making the friend step before anything else...