Ask a detective/undercover cop

[ace_of_something]

After the sexy success of my [a href=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.78482-ask-a-cop-jailer] Ask a Cop/Jailer[/a] Thread which refused to die over the course of a year.
I've decided to educate you escapists on detective-ing.
I come from a big group of gumshoes.
My uncle (whom I am named after) was one of the first local departments to do the whole 'pretending to be a 14 year old girl on the internet' schtick. He began doing this in about 1995. He now is retired but travels around the country as a consultant helping departments set up pedophile sting operations.
Another uncle who is one year from retiring in the(Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms.) He has 19 years in this department under his belt and 9 years in on Cook County Sheriff's before that (that would be Chicago)
My older brother has been a homicide detective in TX. He has been assigned this duty for about three years. He has been a cop for a total of 17 years.
My twin brother is on the city police in the area we live in and has been a SCU (Sexual Based Crimes Unit) for about two years. He has about 8 years experience all together. Before that he worked in the gang unit.
I myself worked as a vice officer on the city police for 3 years. (this ended about 5 years ago) I had a brief run as a corrections officer before switching over to the county sheriff (about 1/2 the size of the city police) on the sheriff's department I have been in 'Crimes Against Property' division for about 7 or 8 months now. I aspire one day to hit the big show. That would be Homicide or the ATF.
This is all not counting my other brother who is a cop but not a detective and one who works as an investigator for Union Pacific Railroad.

I have an MS in Sociology/Criminology. I am constantly reading new techniques and memoirs of detectives.

Most of my knowledge is strictly in the American procedure but I've been trying to learn more about the UK.

As with the ask a cop. Keep it civil and you will get as straight an answer as I can offer. Try to keep your questions in the realm of detectivery and under cover coppery.

edit: I just remembered I have a 2nd Cousin that works as some sort of Detective in Troms County Norway. I almost never talk to the guy though.
And another 2nd cousin who works as some sort of Cop in Bergen.

 

[Frequen-Z]

I'm not entirely sure how relevant the departments and such are, but just how realistic are the CSI programs compared to what actually goes on in an investigation?

 

[Onyx Oblivion]

I'm not entirely sure how relevant the departments and such are, but just how realistic are the CSI programs compared to what actually goes on in an investigation?

I'd guess not much. Unless they do this:


OT: How long does it actually take to get DNA test results?

 

[ace_of_something]

I'm not entirely sure how relevant the departments and such are, but just how realistic are the CSI programs compared to what actually goes on in an investigation?

CSI is complete and utter bullcrap! I challenge you to find a single detective that doesn't want to beat the snot out of the producers of that show.
Less than %5 of all cases have DNA evidence. In those cases it usually only helps if you already have a suspect. DNA can almost never be used to find a suspect. In fact there is a little something we call [a href=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CSI_effect]The CSI Effect[/a]. Basically because of those shows when a jury trial is had the jury will expect us to be able to have all kinds of scientific evidence that is either very rare or non-existent. DNA can also take months to show anything relevant. If you're lucky.

I've sat in on a couple homicide trials (in an attempt to learn) the District Attorney always has to start presenting their case by making sure the jury understands that we cannot reconstruct what a person looks like from a single hair found at the crime scene.
My brother who works in SCU feels the sting of this phenomenon particularly hard. People expect any time someone gets raped for there to be DNA evidence the thing is. In many women's private areas there is a great deal of DNA already it's actually very difficult to pull anything useful out of there. Especially if the crime is not reported right away.

This isn't even mentioning the fact that Forensic Science Specialist usually have no arresting authority or even act as detectives in any way.

Lastly, when I was in college for Psych/Criminal Justice I cannot count the number of times that people would say they want to do CSI and then are quickly informed that that is not a criminal justice field and is actually a science field. They would then promptly leave the class to go talk to their adviser. This is not of course mentioning that there are tons of FS fields. In a given episode of CSI you'll see the characters do the jobs of about 6 different specialists.

 

[Quaxar]

Do you play the "good cop, bad cop" game as seen on TV?

 

[Lazarus Long]

How physical is detective work? I'm very interested in that side of law enforcement, but I can't exactly chase fools down with my diabetic's feet. As a corollary, do you have to do your time in uniform and work up to detective, or are there "entry-level" positions?

EDIT: You rule like a Roman for this.

 

[ace_of_something]

OT: How long does it actually take to get DNA test results?

Unless it's semen it usually takes about 2 months. Often times yielding an 'inconclusive' result. Semen if it's a 'pure' sample (IE doesn't have too much of a woman's natural bacterium in it.) it can take about 2 weeks.
Now this is only true for large departments that have Forensic Scientists who work for them. On smaller departments it can take even longer since it has to be sent to the larger departments.

 

[Onyx Oblivion]

OT: How long does it actually take to get DNA test results?

Unless it's semen it usually takes about 2 months. Often times yielding an 'inconclusive' result. Semen if it's a 'pure' sample (IE doesn't have too much of a woman's natural bacterium in it.) it can take about 2 weeks.
Now this is only true for large departments that have Forensic Scientists who work for them. On smaller departments it can take even longer since it has to be sent to the larger departments.

Well, that immediately makes all cop shows unrealistic.

Then can you tell me what cop/detective show is the closest to realism?

 

[ace_of_something]

Do you play the "good cop, bad cop" game as seen on TV?

Interrogations are complex. Nuanced. You can be the best investigator on the planet but if your interrogation skills are lacking. You will never make it. That being said. We totally do that. It works the best with younger suspects.
When using the BCGC routine it's important to work on appearances. Let's take my partner and I for example. (She loves calling me Salty and I call her Pepper so I'm using those names in this example)
I am a 6'6" white guy who has a barrel chest. My partner is a 5'4" black woman from the Caribbean.
So when a suspect is an immigrant, black, or a woman. Pepper always gets to be the good cop in those situations because there is an instant connection. Not to mention my size lends itself to being intimidating.
The only times I get to be a good cop is with guys who are clearly racist. Because even with white folks they tend to be freaked out by my size.

 

[Deviltongue]

I've never really liked cops, but I had to be one I'd be a detective. you have a cool job.

 

[Beldaros]

How is it that you are allowed to give this information? Surely you must have signed a confidentiality contract that will include many procedures. Even I had to do that in the prison.

 

[Pimppeter2]

Is it the ultimate goal of every cop and detective to look this badass?

Spoiler

 

[Kollega]

Are donuts really that popular among you? Or there are other, even better snacks?

 

[ace_of_something]

How physical is detective work? I'm very interested in that side of law enforcement, but I can't exactly chase fools down with my diabetic's feet. As a corollary, do you have to do your time in uniform and work up to detective, or are there "entry-level" positions?

EDIT: You rule like a Roman for this.

It really depends on what kind of detective you are. When I worked as a vice cop (which is where most detectives start) it was very physical because catching our suspects involved a great deal of undercover work. Often times when they see the cuffs come out they would book it. (The trick is to get them in a place they can't run first).
Very few local departments will let you go to detective without first serving 3 or 5 years in uniform.
Interestingly though the feds are more likely to just let you jump straight in to investigation. You usually got to 'earn your stripes' as we call it in a local department first. There are exceptions to this though. For example right now the FBI desperately wants people with an accounting background to help them catch white collar criminals. The CIA is in the same boat wanting those same people to help track terrorist funds.
My brother who works for the railroad systems is technically a private detective. He investigates missing cargo, and any crime that takes place on the rails (there's WAY more than you'd think). His background is in engineering. So it's just a matter of finding your fit.

I'm going to take this time to say my partner is an insulin dependent diabetic and has been her whole 11 year career. You just got to do your best to stay in shape.

 

[Queen Michael]

I, Michael from Sweden, wonders this: Is the eating of donuts really as prevalent as clichés suggest?

 

[ace_of_something]

How many explosions are usually seen in your job?

We see woefully few explosions in a given day. I mean it's usually only one before lunch if we're LUCKY.

Are donuts really that popular among you? Or there are other, even better snacks?

I, Michael from Sweden, wonders this: Is the eating of donuts really as prevalent as clichés suggest?

The story behind the donuts is that back in the day stores used to close at 9pm. The only things that stayed open late were Bars -which are inappropriate to be at while on duty- coffee shops and truck stops. Both of which serve mostly breakfast type dishes and the only one you can take to go easily is, you guessed it, donuts.
Thus the legend of the cop loving donuts began.

I myself actually enjoy a good vanilla frosted donut. From what I've seen the most popular snack in law enforcement in my cumulative 9 years is cigarettes, coffee, and granola bars.

 

[Pimppeter2]

Hmm, I looked back at that old thread and I found my old post

[D]o you ever use you suit for stripping?

This demands and update!

She loves calling me Salty and I call her Pepper so I'm using those names in this example)
I am a 6'6" white guy who has a barrel chest. My partner is a 5'4" black woman from the Caribbean.

So when are you two sending this sitcom idea to NBC?

 

[ace_of_something]

Then can you tell me what cop/detective show is the closest to realism?

Easy, It's always on my TiVo:
[a href=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_First_48]The First 48[/a]
Why? Because they follow around REAL homicide detectives. It is fascinating and frustrating to watch. If you can catch it I really recommend it.

If we're talking about script written drama. Well, as weird as it sounds. Law and Order is probably the closest because at least they always make sure to show factors like suspensions, the media crawling up your ass, and technicalities getting in the way. But it's still pretty unrealistic. It's just the competition isn't very stiff for that award.
Also, I have a Jack McCoy T-Shirt.

I've never really liked cops, but I had to be one I'd be a detective. you have a cool job.

Thanks!