Best Tabletop RPG Quotes

[Totenkreuz]

My Barbarian character was humiliated post-mortem when he said "Those are just knives!!!" as he was attacked by 10 small trolls in a swedish game called "Drakar och Demoner" (Dragons and Demons). I was new to that game and didn't know it had a more realistic take on combat and my "cool" barbarian armed with one mace and one axe didn't stand a chance.

I still hear that quote from friends, but atleast I'm not the only one who makes those kind of failures! hehe.

Cheers.

 

[Kyrian007]

The party just cleared most of a castle we shouldn't have been able to (great rolls, GM fumbles, and some fairly dirty tactics) and only had one room in the basement that we hadn't checked. It was the only doorway at the end of a narrow hall in a basement. Our rogue opens the door a crack, checks the room and then closes the door. We go back out to the main room and he says, "there's a Beholder in there." None of us were any more than level 5, we really had no chance. But we wanted that castle for ourselves for a base. So we held a strategy meeting, discussing possible ways we could defeat the Beholder. Our cleric asks the GM, "How narrow is the Narrow hallway?" Our GM answered, and then our cleric goes upstairs for a minute, comes down with a piece of parchment and walks down the hallway. We all hear him hammering on the door. We all draw our weapons and wait at the end of the hall, and out comes our cleric again who calmly says "problem solved."

"How?" We all ask.

"A beholder won't fit down that hallway, so I put up a sign."

"What does it say?"

"CAUTION, Beholder. DO NOT ENTER!"

And we got our castle. When one npc asked, "what did you do about the Beholder in the basement." We simply replied "we just don't go down there."

 

[Comic Sans]

Oh boy where to start. Many shenanigans at our table.

1. We are at a Pathfinder lodge in the middle of an exposition dump with an important NPC.

NPC: "We haven't seen anything like this before. The biggest thing that keeps the mountain orcs in check is that they are always fighting among themselves, but now they are organizing into a singular group. This is incredibly dangerous."

ME: The orcs are organizing? So would you say they are ORCANIZING?

Table: BOOOO.

2. We just got done with a series of incredibly hard scraps in the slums of a large city. It's too dangerous to try and get back to our home base in the industrial sector at night so we hole up in a local tavern. The place is an absolute dump by normal standards, and is run by the local crime boss and his gang. Thanks to past events of mutual interest we are in his good graces so we decide to crash for the night. My Swashbuckler, who I affectionately called "The Dandy", heads downstairs to the bar to relax after a long night of ass kicking.

Me: I walk into the bar. Are there any beautiful women around?

DM: Yes, there are many. This place is a central gathering point for the area's bustling prostitution ring. Many are here waiting to ply their trade on the local customers.

Me: Awesome. I sit down and buy them all drinks. *the DM gives me a disapproving look* I do it POLITELY. Making polite conversation and engaging them like a gentleman. And I do so with the grace of a *I roll a die* THIRTY TWO Diplomacy roll.

DM: Alright. Well, the women are incredibly flattered by your grace. You have a great night in the bar with them. You are so well received, in fact, that a cleric of Callistria (goddess of the prostitutes) who is the head of the brothel takes notice of your wounds and casts Cure Moderate Wounds on you twice. In addition *he rolls a die*, four of them are willing to sleep with you free of charge.

Me: Fuck yeah Diplomacy.

From then on it was an ongoing gag that when it came to dealing with women I not once rolled lower than 30 on a Diplomacy check, as befitting my high Charisma ladies man Swashbuckler. He basically blew the panties off every woman he spoke to.