Blood Stained Knight
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Copy-pasted from the comment. Also, as the forum guidelines say, the next time that you want to advertise your blog please purchase ad space, yes?
"/facepalm. Okay, this is not a chapter, this is a paragraph that you hit Enter on too much. Actually, it's more like a second prologue.
Your grammar is terrible. This has the feeling of a dump draft, where you just do an action-reaction run-through to set up the format, expecting to go back and add in detail and proper formatting. It's really rough.
For example,
"For some reason he felt drawn to the armor but also fearful of it. But due to the situation he was in he took his first thought and went on to put on the armor."
is really rough. Perhaps you could rephrase this into
"His fear of the armor conflicted with a strangely foreign desire to be near it. The situation called for him to don the (adjective) armor, however, so he took hold of his first instinct and quickly dressed in it".
I don't know, that's just a sample of how I might do it. In short, refine, my friend, refine. Descriptors and sentence structure changes are your friend."
"/facepalm. Okay, this is not a chapter, this is a paragraph that you hit Enter on too much. Actually, it's more like a second prologue.
Your grammar is terrible. This has the feeling of a dump draft, where you just do an action-reaction run-through to set up the format, expecting to go back and add in detail and proper formatting. It's really rough.
For example,
"For some reason he felt drawn to the armor but also fearful of it. But due to the situation he was in he took his first thought and went on to put on the armor."
is really rough. Perhaps you could rephrase this into
"His fear of the armor conflicted with a strangely foreign desire to be near it. The situation called for him to don the (adjective) armor, however, so he took hold of his first instinct and quickly dressed in it".
I don't know, that's just a sample of how I might do it. In short, refine, my friend, refine. Descriptors and sentence structure changes are your friend."
dude... its not promotion, I post it there becuase I don't want to post all of the chapters in the first post...Catalyst6 said:
yeah I am not listening to you becuase you think I am promoting.Catalyst6 said:
may you give some examples?Berethond said:
First of all, if you are going to deride me then you might want to check your syntax first.Korten12 said:
Secondly, one should never be hostile towards constructive criticism. If you listen only to positive review then your work will remain terrible.
Thirdly, never confuse a "mean person" with a "critic", because they are two different things. If you feel that it's good enough to take up the Escpaist's server space then it's good enough to get criticized.
I didn't like this at all. Allow me to put my university Creative Writing student hat on (just so you understand that I am not criticising without basis, I read and review other people's fiction for thirty weeks out of the year):
The Prologue
I will return later with my points on the first chapter.
The Prologue
At first it only infected a few but then slowly it spread and changed and infected the water and infected all who drank from it.
This is already a little clumsy. 'but then,' 'and,' 'and'. All in one sentence. This could have been broken up into two sentences easily, or you could simply have left out the slowly it spread and only told us it infected the water and everyone who drank it. Much simpler, much cleaner, and much more enticing to the reader.
Once normal people changed into shadow like creatures were they are part normal and the parts of their skin turn shadow like so you can see their inside organs and the part that is normal is deformed.
This sentence is horrible. It's far too long, it's got a spelling mistake (which this early is a very vad thing), the word like has no place there, because you are using it in the colloquial form rather than the correct simile form, it should read 'their skin turned shadow so you could see'. Your tenses have been confused and while you should be writing in the past tense you keep slipping into the present as shown in the sentence above. Also, there is both too much description and too little. We know exactly what these creatures look like so there is no mystery and fear behind them, but equally you left us wanting more. How are they deformed? Does it impede them? Why should we care?
They also had their eyes fall out and replaced by red fiery glowing eyes.
Again, problems with the tenses, should be past tense and should be less clumsy. 'Their eyes fell out and were replaced by. Also, red fiery glowing? Too many adjectives. It's the same problem Stephanie Meyer has, she can't describe something without using at least three words before the noun. Let the writing breath a litt.e
After the infection spread to half of the continent, the uninfected built a large wall expanding from one side of the continent to the other with the help of mages. Creating two sides, the Purity side and the Infected side. Mages and Priests have tried many times to cure the Infection but nothing has worked the only thing they have done is create a filter that destroys the virus in the waters coming to the purity side. Whether or not people will be able to go home, is not certain and day by day, the infected seem to be getting smarter?
Same basic problems with the tenses. A prologue should ideally be in the past tense, because it is the things which happened before the narrative started. Also, you do too much telling and not enough showing. This was the first lesson I had drummed into my head on the very first day of my course. A good writer doesn't have to tell us every detail of what is happening because the scene should speak for itself. 'Whether people will be able to go home, is not certain and day by day' etc. Firstly, the comma is in the wrong place, secondly, it should be obvious that their chances of going home are reducing because they are in an encampment surrounded by thousands of infected, so you don't need to tell us. Credit the reader with a little intelligence. Finally, never introduce ellipses into a piece of narration. Characters can have ellipses in speech because they symbolise trailing off, but the narrator should never trail off, because it becomes clear that you are trying to be mysterious and it doesn't work.
These aren?t the only problems though, on the side of the Pure there are diverse people from many different cultures in one place, which has caused conflict and corruption in the upper levels of the government. All of this confusion has allowed the aristocracy to control the people. Arenas have been built on the large wall across the continent for punishment, governments will place people into the arenas, open a gate, and let Infected in killing the people who dared to question the government?s authority; whether those people are innocent or guilty. No one is willing to retaliate because of the strong fear that still lures on the side of Purity of the infection. Amidst Fear, destruction, and confusion a hope has arisen for the eradication of the Infected.
Again, you are doing far too much telling. We don't need all of this information spoon fed to us. And, this paragraph demonstrates one of the worst expository devices in any fiction, the InfoDump, where you just tell us long lists of information related to your story without highlighting on what any of it means. Exposition should be waved into the narrative, not given to us. Let the character encounter resistance from the Aristocracy, then we will know that all the cultures in one place are a problem. Don't tell us that a hope has arisen for the end of the Infection, let the story show us that people have hope suddenly. Don't give us all the information in the opening. This also applies to the paragraph above. Don't tell us the Infected are getting smarter, let the character encounter the Infected and realise to himself 'oh my god they've gotten smarter.' That would be the best way to go about this.
This is already a little clumsy. 'but then,' 'and,' 'and'. All in one sentence. This could have been broken up into two sentences easily, or you could simply have left out the slowly it spread and only told us it infected the water and everyone who drank it. Much simpler, much cleaner, and much more enticing to the reader.
Once normal people changed into shadow like creatures were they are part normal and the parts of their skin turn shadow like so you can see their inside organs and the part that is normal is deformed.
This sentence is horrible. It's far too long, it's got a spelling mistake (which this early is a very vad thing), the word like has no place there, because you are using it in the colloquial form rather than the correct simile form, it should read 'their skin turned shadow so you could see'. Your tenses have been confused and while you should be writing in the past tense you keep slipping into the present as shown in the sentence above. Also, there is both too much description and too little. We know exactly what these creatures look like so there is no mystery and fear behind them, but equally you left us wanting more. How are they deformed? Does it impede them? Why should we care?
They also had their eyes fall out and replaced by red fiery glowing eyes.
Again, problems with the tenses, should be past tense and should be less clumsy. 'Their eyes fell out and were replaced by. Also, red fiery glowing? Too many adjectives. It's the same problem Stephanie Meyer has, she can't describe something without using at least three words before the noun. Let the writing breath a litt.e
After the infection spread to half of the continent, the uninfected built a large wall expanding from one side of the continent to the other with the help of mages. Creating two sides, the Purity side and the Infected side. Mages and Priests have tried many times to cure the Infection but nothing has worked the only thing they have done is create a filter that destroys the virus in the waters coming to the purity side. Whether or not people will be able to go home, is not certain and day by day, the infected seem to be getting smarter?
Same basic problems with the tenses. A prologue should ideally be in the past tense, because it is the things which happened before the narrative started. Also, you do too much telling and not enough showing. This was the first lesson I had drummed into my head on the very first day of my course. A good writer doesn't have to tell us every detail of what is happening because the scene should speak for itself. 'Whether people will be able to go home, is not certain and day by day' etc. Firstly, the comma is in the wrong place, secondly, it should be obvious that their chances of going home are reducing because they are in an encampment surrounded by thousands of infected, so you don't need to tell us. Credit the reader with a little intelligence. Finally, never introduce ellipses into a piece of narration. Characters can have ellipses in speech because they symbolise trailing off, but the narrator should never trail off, because it becomes clear that you are trying to be mysterious and it doesn't work.
These aren?t the only problems though, on the side of the Pure there are diverse people from many different cultures in one place, which has caused conflict and corruption in the upper levels of the government. All of this confusion has allowed the aristocracy to control the people. Arenas have been built on the large wall across the continent for punishment, governments will place people into the arenas, open a gate, and let Infected in killing the people who dared to question the government?s authority; whether those people are innocent or guilty. No one is willing to retaliate because of the strong fear that still lures on the side of Purity of the infection. Amidst Fear, destruction, and confusion a hope has arisen for the eradication of the Infected.
Again, you are doing far too much telling. We don't need all of this information spoon fed to us. And, this paragraph demonstrates one of the worst expository devices in any fiction, the InfoDump, where you just tell us long lists of information related to your story without highlighting on what any of it means. Exposition should be waved into the narrative, not given to us. Let the character encounter resistance from the Aristocracy, then we will know that all the cultures in one place are a problem. Don't tell us that a hope has arisen for the end of the Infection, let the story show us that people have hope suddenly. Don't give us all the information in the opening. This also applies to the paragraph above. Don't tell us the Infected are getting smarter, let the character encounter the Infected and realise to himself 'oh my god they've gotten smarter.' That would be the best way to go about this.
I will return later with my points on the first chapter.
It's a good start, grammar aside. A white background would greatly improve the readability though.
Keep going! Don't give up because of some bad criticism!Korten12 said:
Remember every bit of bad feedback is another chance for you to strengthen your writing and make it better in the long run. I like your idea and it would be a shame to let it go to waste.
comma splices! GAHRRRRAHAHAHAH!
Other than that... it seems like an anime I watched before. Not a bad thing, nor is it a good thing. Oh, and added a great wall to it... meh. We'll see.
Other than that... it seems like an anime I watched before. Not a bad thing, nor is it a good thing. Oh, and added a great wall to it... meh. We'll see.
When I write I go through many, many drafts. Somedays you laugh at the mistakes you make (like info dumping without realising it!), other days you cry with frustration. Writing is an enjoyable but long process, it will never happen overnight, ideas can sprout in minutes but to find the right words it can take years for that bud to grow into a beautiful flower. If you catch my meaning.
Obviously no matter how cliché a story sounds it can impress, however if your prologue is anything to go by the story isn't going to be (or already is) badly written. As mentioned already your grammar is pretty bad.
Your use of commas in the first paragraph is literally incorrect in every instance you have used them and in the second paragraph you use "know" instead of "now". Also the end should be "Only he knows."
Some parts just feel badly written, for instance: "...when an infection started to spread turning people into monsters, it made uninfected people scared who then started to run."
Even after fixing the glaring problems it still sounds to me to be very... uhm, lame. "It made uninfected people scared"? Really? Does that sound good to you?
Edit: "..when a plague began to spread and turn the sickly into ravenous monsters the people of the land fled their loved one's, now, murderous intentions."
This is, I suppose, how I would try and fix the sentence but tbh I still don't like it and would completely rewrite the prologue.
Your use of commas in the first paragraph is literally incorrect in every instance you have used them and in the second paragraph you use "know" instead of "now". Also the end should be "Only he knows."
Some parts just feel badly written, for instance: "...when an infection started to spread turning people into monsters, it made uninfected people scared who then started to run."
Even after fixing the glaring problems it still sounds to me to be very... uhm, lame. "It made uninfected people scared"? Really? Does that sound good to you?
Edit: "..when a plague began to spread and turn the sickly into ravenous monsters the people of the land fled their loved one's, now, murderous intentions."
This is, I suppose, how I would try and fix the sentence but tbh I still don't like it and would completely rewrite the prologue.
In honestly I would skip the prologue, its an info dump that takes away some of the mystery of the story. Use the questions of what is the infection and how did it spread as a narrative hook to keep the reader turning pages, or in this case continue reading!
Your character needs emotions considering his terrible experience. What he's thinking or how he can manage to cope so well while his life sorta fell apart due to the disease. We get nothing out of him and it's hard to read something about an uninteresting uncaring character.Korten12 said:hm... I might just do that.FinalDream said:
though all what I have heard is about the prologue, how is chapter one?
well I was somewhat thinking of adding that in Chapter 2, 1 to get a idea of his past, and then 2 to introduce what he is like.Applejack said:Your character needs emotions considering his terrible experience. What he's thinking or how he can manage to cope so well while his life sorta fell apart due to the disease. We get nothing out of him and it's hard to read something about an uninteresting uncaring character.Korten12 said:hm... I might just do that.FinalDream said:
though all what I have heard is about the prologue, how is chapter one?
Chapter one should involve him discovering some sort of new virus that counter-acts the old one and that the new virus has the reprocussion of killing half the people it infects and his choice of weather half of the world should die for the happiness and safety of the other have.