Caffeine: Viva Piñata (ban this sick filth)

[domble]

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[HEADING=2]caffeine[/HEADING]​

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[HEADING=1]Viva Piñata: TiP
[HEADING=2]and the evil that it does[/HEADING][/HEADING]

Growing up in a house with three women, all of whom hating video games, I always find it slightly unsettling when the fairer sex picks up the controller. Not that women shouldn't play games, of course, but when some people start fresh they seem to launch into the hobby with all the passion and vigour that abstinence can bring.

Take my best friend, for example, who features in today's cautionary tale by picking up Viva Piñata: Trouble in Paradise. Before this digital tour of hell's greatest perversions, she was known as a woman of kind spirit, and generous with a smile. To think back, I know that my friend is lost.

The objective of the game is to catch Piñatas. And keep them. This game has no end, and preparing the garden is just the beginning of her evil.

Every piñata has certain requirements. Some may need a finite amount of water to live, or grass to exercise in to stave off the atrophy of their malnourished muscles. The diary she uses to keep track of her soon-to-be captives lists all of their basic needs, and she provides them to the letter; after all, she doesn't want their misery to end too quickly.

Once captured, these hapless creatures will be introduced to a brutal totalitarian regieme, wherein the sick and the unnecessary remain not only unsupported, but beaten to death with a spade by her unseen hand. As the unwanted bleed their brain-candy into the garden's barren soil, there is a sound of children cheering, as if from far away. Any inmates unfortunate enough to be near shed no tears; the dead are the lucky ones.

She is dedicated to her paincraft, but the upkeep of the garden cannot be accomplished alone.
The money of this world is chocolate. These are beings made of sweets. They barter with organs. And it's with this dark currency that she hires nightmarish creatures to do her chores; beings that obscure the unending malice on their faces with grotesque masks. One of these horrors has an actual watering can protruding from its skull, hinting that it waters plants with its very cranial discharge. Some sell obscene gardening implements, others traps, and some... some build sex shacks.

That's right. Her foul abasements do not stop with death - she toys with creating life itself!
On a whim, she will command the ingestion of certain aphrodisiacs - sometimes flowers, sometimes seeds, sometimes other piñatas - and force them to mate in their hastily-constructed habitats of perversion. Before the forced mating can begin, however, the males must traverse a field laden with traps, electricity and mines to reach his partner.
Some do not survive.

The only respite for these luckless animals is in the hands of Professor Pester, activist against gardens everywhere. He sneaks in and grants the piñatas peace through the sweet release of death. Her newfound sadism has not yet been sated, however, so she erected a fence which barred his ingress. The piñatas can now see their salvation through destruction, but are doomed to never have it granted.

This would be enough for some, but her hunger was not yet satisfied.
The local stock became too broken and complacent to provide her sick entertainment, so she turned to traitor piñata Langston to buy traps. Do not judge Langston, his only dream was to escape the torment. Her greed took her to the coldest arctic tundra and hottest desert oasis to find victims, bait them, and have them posted back to her twisted hellscape by Fanny Franker - Post Office worker and an unholy cross between a horse and a mailbox. These are only two of the characters in "The Village", but all who live there are slaves to the chocolate innards my friend harvests, and deem no act too vile to for their reward.

In this world, no one is free. Not even, it seems, my friend. She answers to a wheelchair-bound Warlock named Jardineiro, who rewards your ability to inflict untold suffering with new and interesting ways to inflict untold suffering. He provides you with more garden, better watering cans, and spades that are more efficient at digging holes and ending lives. Every once in a while, he will demand one perfect piñata as tribute for one of his "parties." These unfortunates are seldom heard from again.

All of this agony is wrapped inside the forced cuteness that the entire game pervades. It must be noted, at this point, that her insanity started to spread to her day to day life. When not playing the game, she would look for new pets to apply her special brand of "care" to. Around the same time, neighbourhood animals began to go missing. Nothing was proven.

The biggest controversy over the ongoing Viva Piñata scandle is that it never ends. You can keep capturing and enslaving innocent animals forever - your boredom the only break they can hope to achieve from their unending torment. With numerous species to acquire, almost limitless variants on each one, and no end of cutesy accessories to humiliate these once-noble creatures with, too much will never be enough for some people.

In all, it's a nihilistic work of flawless evil. One can't help but admire - and even find beauty in - its dark wonder.

The friend I had is gone, and in her place?
A demon horticulturalist that I, like her "guests", have quickly learned to fear.













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Spoiler: The Caffeine Archives: because your time is basically worthless.

Film: The Social Network [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.270049-Caffeine-The-Social-Network] / Machete [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.256345-Caffeine-Machete] / Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.238816-Caffeine-Bad-Lieutenant-Port-of-Call-New-Orleans] / Inception [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.231490-Caffeine-Inception-One-Year-Anniversary] / Black Dynamite [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.226865-Caffeine-Black-Dynamite] / A Scanner Darkly [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.199489-Caffeine-A-Scanner-Darkly] / Iron Man 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.195243-Caffeine-Iron-Man-2] / Terminator Salvation [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.191560-Caffeine-Terminator-Salvation-and-the-calamity-of-fourquels] / Serenity [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.189502-Caffeine-Serenity] / Frost/Nixon [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.187906-Caffeine-Frost-Nixon] / Kick-Ass [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.185181-Caffeine-Kick-Ass#5608635] / The Hurt Locker [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.183962-Caffeine-The-Hurt-Locker#5524103] / Pretty Woman [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.183238-Caffeine-Pretty-Woman] / The Haunting in Connecticut [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.181389-Caffeine-The-Haunting-in-Connecticut] / The Watchmen [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.180241-Caffeine-The-Watchmen-and-a-few-words-on-the-art-of-Adaptation] / The Men Who Stare at Goats [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.170886-Caffeine-The-Men-Who-Stare-at-Goats-25th-Review] / In the Loop [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.165442] / a Plan 9 from Outer Space rant [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.166079-Caffeine-a-Plan-9-from-Outer-Space-rant#4395286] / Moon [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.162973] / Pulp Fiction [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.156647] / Night Watch [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.154980] / X-Men Origins: Wolverine [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.153507] / The Departed [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.149527] / Star Trek 2009 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.149058#3470961] / A review of Love Happens (Without seeing it first) [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148846#3460365] / Inglourious Basterds [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147977#3420043] / Fight Club Essay [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147655#3403751] / District 9 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147097#3373011] / The Crow 4: Wicked Prayer [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.137348#3089948]



Game: Fallout: New Vegas + Dead Money [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.271118-Caffeine-Fallout-New-Vegas-Dead-Money] / Metro 2033 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.270445-Caffeine-Metro-2033] / Resident Evil 5 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.222184-Caffeine-Resident-Evil-5-and-a-few-words-on-racism] / ME2 DLC Bonanza! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.216231-Caffeine-Mass-Effect-2-DLC-Bonanza-1-2] / Red Dead Redemption [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.201344-Caffeine-Red-Dead-Redemption] / Final Fantasy VIII retrospective [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.185358-Caffeine-Final-Fantasy-VIII] / Modern Warfare II, and the making of Caffeine [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.161600] / Final Fantasy Double Feature [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.158465] / Resident Evil 4 Retrospective [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148447#3440710] / Mass Effect [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.145571#3296970] / Final Fantasy: Dissidea [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.144913#3266704] / Metal Gear Solid Twin Snakes [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.140353#3149506] / Far Cry 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.139317#3129015] / Street Fighter IV [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.136868#3079685]



Other: The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z double feature [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.169416] / A Review of Society, via Call of Duty 4 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.151891] / A review of My Cat [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.146281#3332788]



The Knuckleduster : Mass Effect 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.182033-Pimppeter2-and-Domble-present-The-Knuckleduster-Mass-Effect-2] / The Trial of Society, via Modern Warfare II [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.204216-Pimppeter2-Domble-present-The-Knuckleduster-The-Trial-of-Society-via-Modern-Warfare-II]

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[Lost In The Void]

*Slowly claps* Well done, you've found us out; us who have played this game and mastered these *pinatas* as you call them. I call them tools of power and so they are, able to sway the younger populace to my cause. Your children will grow up knowing me as your leader....I mean wut?

Anyways this was a fun read and hilarious to the point where I was chuckling at work. Which is something. Because jobs suck. Anyways as a fan of the game I endorse this review.

 

[unoleian]

This is the most hilarious thing I have read in a while. Kudos, to you, the author.
Though to be fair I don't recall fences being much of an impediment for the Professor. Seems I remember him smashing any obstacle in his path with glee, be it fence, tree, or pond.

 

[domble]

*Slowly claps* Well done, you've found us out; us who have played this game and mastered these *pinatas* as you call them. I call them tools of power and so they are, able to sway the younger populace to my cause. Your children will grow up knowing me as your leader....I mean wut?

Anyways this was a fun read and hilarious to the point where I was chuckling at work. Which is something. Because jobs suck. Anyways as a fan of the game I endorse this review.

While its not my thing, I really did appreciate the way the game was set up. It actually achieved everything it set out to do, and if this is the kind of game you go for then it really couldn't be much better, Still, looking at the subtext, it is a bit sinister lol

glad you liked it man

This is the most hilarious thing I have read in a while. Kudos, to you, the author.
Though to be fair I don't recall fences being much of an impediment for the Professor. Seems I remember him smashing any obstacle in his path with glee, be it fence, tree, or pond.

haha thanks man

Actually she was pretty smart with it. Pester will only destroy things whilst in the garden itself, so she built a wall at the very edge of the garden. He usually just sits there stomping on his hat like a cowboy farmer, which is no end of fun to watch.

 

[Sassafrass]

*Slowly claps* Well done, you've found us out; us who have played this game and mastered these *pinatas* as you call them. I call them tools of power and so they are, able to sway the younger populace to my cause. Your children will grow up knowing me as your leader....I mean wut?

Dude, shut up, don't spill the master plan out just yet! We must bid our time and use the Whirls to our advantage. Then we attack with Sparrowmints and Candarys! ...And maybe Horstachio. XD

Anyway, I too approve of this review as I am also a huge, raving, drooling fanboy of the Viva Pinata series, as Lost will no doubt testify too, mainly as I spent a month last year just talking about it. XD But I'll agree, when you start playing it, it's bloody addictive. I once played for 6 hours, while making no progress at all with anything, but I was still enjoying myself.

But enough rambling, a good review, Mr. Domble, squire.
Now, hurry up and do another Knuckleduster with Pimp. XD

 

[domble]

*Slowly claps* Well done, you've found us out; us who have played this game and mastered these *pinatas* as you call them. I call them tools of power and so they are, able to sway the younger populace to my cause. Your children will grow up knowing me as your leader....I mean wut?

Dude, shut up, don't spill the master plan out just yet! We must bid our time and use the Whirls to our advantage. Then we attack with Sparrowmints and Candarys! ...And maybe Horstachio. XD

Anyway, I too approve of this review as I am also a huge, raving, drooling fanboy of the Viva Pinata series, as Lost will no doubt testify too, mainly as I spent a month last year just talking about it. XD But I'll agree, when you start playing it, it's bloody addictive. I once played for 6 hours, while making no progress at all with anything, but I was still enjoying myself.

But enough rambling, a good review, Mr. Domble, squire.
Now, hurry up and do another Knuckleduster with Pimp. XD

The disciples of pester will foil your evil plans!

lol glad you enjoyed it man, and it was a bit more timely than the tupperware, I'm sure you'll agree.

another knuckleduster? Yeesh, just no pleasing some people. I'm sure the PimpDom coalition will unite again soon...

 

[Pimppeter2]

I loved this. Though I'm a bit iffy on the new layout/format. Funny as ever, though.

Now, hurry up and do another Knuckleduster with Pimp. XD

I agree with this statement. Also when Sas said to buy pimp more hookers. I agree with that part as well. Also, boobies.

 

[domble]

I loved this. Though I'm a bit iffy on the new layout/format. Funny as ever, though.

Now, hurry up and do another Knuckleduster with Pimp. XD

I agree with this statement. Also when Sas said to buy pimp more hookers. I agree with that part as well. Also, boobies.

The new format is just so's I can write faster. My whole six-page-per-review thing was getting to be a bit of a chore, writing like this is a lot more fluid. Just a break sort of thing, early days yet

Also, sass did say that about the hookers. We all heard it.