Can't remember most of my life.

[erbkaiser]

I am really hesitant to post this. Apologies for the rambling matter of the following, but I have deleted and rewritten this multiple times and just can't find a proper way to do it. This is really not the proper place for it either but I don't have another spot to put it. I have no real friends (at least nobody I trust), and I absolutely cannot talk to my family about this. Believe me, I've tried.

I have almost no memory until about 8 years ago, asides from snippets that come up now and then. I had a real dramatic event around the year 2000 (death of someone really close to me) and I only know things on an abstract level from that period, but cannot remember almost a thing. It's as if I still have the table of contents, but lost the book itself. For example I cannot remember a holiday I took in 2001 with my family, but there are photos of it with me having an apparent good time. There are other events like going to (and dropping out of) university, which I know I did but lost all details off.
More troublesome is that I hardly remember anything from before 2000 either, I cannot remember my life past the last decade. What I do know is as if I read about it in a book somewhere. This is really the only thing that really bugs me since I know it was mostly good.

I have nobody I can really talk with ever since I lost my friends (around the same time), and really don't know how to make new friends. The only people I interact with are family members, colleagues, and my family acquaintances. Sure I have a date now and then but it's been years since I was in a relationship, and I have no clue how to find someone for something that will last. I am not depressed since I am happy at times, but have no real goals or dreams. Mostly I just live from day to day.

I am starting to feel that this is not exactly healthy/normal, but I'm not sure if it is worth it to risk upsetting what I do have by seeking out professional help. It may not be exactly logical but a part of me is terrified of what might happen. My life is mostly okay as it is, at least I think so. Just the lack of memory bugs me.

Should I worry?

 

[SiskoBlue]

Yes and no. "I am not depressed since I am happy at times, but have no real goals or dreams. Mostly I just live from day to day." This describes about 90% of people over the age of 25. Many people might have something they strive for or would like but generally just live day in and day out. Don't worry about that.

Then again I have heard of cases of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) who have the exact same problem as you. The theory goes that in the brains attempt to cope with some horrible event it surpresses the memory of the event. However, the brain is not always logical and sensible about such things so it carpet bombs large chunks of memories until it's satisfied.

Seek professional help. You will be terrified because your brain already IS terrified. It doesn't want to remember and it will tell you so. The goal for you is to do your best to ignore it's warnings and persist knowing that it's the right thing to do. A good therapist should be able to build up a sense of feeling safe and secure enough to face the memories and feelings from the event. When you do the rest of your memories will start popping up.

The thing that is most striking that tells me you really need to get professional help is that basic big events such as going to university and dropping out are so dissociated from you that you can remember anything. Once amnesia is that bad it's not something you can just fix yourself. Some therapists specialise in PTSD so seek them out.

Some might say that there's no point digging up the past if it's just painful but you should note who we are as people, our personality, how we feel, is largely determined by our memories. If you're blocking out half your life then you are kind of missing a large part of yourself.

I can also attest that getting through this will be incredibly life changing for you and well worth any moments of panic and doubt you might have.

Good luck.

 

[opp1123]

I am the same way to some degree. I have trouble recollecting many of the events of my life. The best thing that you can do for yourself is to seek professional help. The therapists that do have certificates in treating PTSD can also help with any other problems that you feel you might have.

I myself have gotten EMDR therapy from a therapist and it proved to be incredibly helpful. I am now able to talk about the event that occurred but I am also able to let go some of the guilt that I have concerning that incident.

Make it your primary goal to find someone that you can trust. If you can build a group of friends that would be excellent. I know that it is difficult to do that, from my own experience, but you can't tell yourself it isn't possible until you try.

I do not think you have to worry as of yet. If any thoughts come into your mind of a desire to harm yourself or another person it is important to seek professional help immediately. You can contact me via private message if you need anything.

 

[erbkaiser]

Thanks for the responses. Just reading the first two responses got me into an anxiety attack of sorts (since it made me realize I probably /can't/ fix it myself if I haven't by now) and it took me a few hours to clear my head again. I'll set myself over my fear of getting help.

 

[AnkaraTheFallen]

I can only remember the general events of my childhood. I know what happened, but I can't tell you any specific details. I'm fairly sure it's my minds way of coping with what happened when I was young. In fact, it still happens now, I just black out certain things that happen to me, simply because remembering them pushes me back into being depressed again, I couldn't even tell you any specifics from a month ago.