Cheating in relationships

Colour Scientist

Troll the Respawn, Jeremy!
Jul 15, 2009
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Michael Kirley said:
Colour Scientist said:
RicoADF said:
I would think of it as warning others that your ex is a lying cheater that cannot be trusted so they don't go through the same shit. As far as I'm concerned cheaters deserve to be called out and publicly shamed.
People who cheat aren't necessarily liars and people cheat for a variety of different reasons, it doesn't mean that they deserve to have their name dragged through the dirt.

It reflects very poorly on the person posting it for all to see.

It sucks that someone hurt you but it doesn't mean that you should air your dirty laundry on Facebook.
If someone deceives you and cheats on you (hence lying about their agreement with the presumably monogamist pretense of the relationship) they are certainly a liar.
That would imply that they had the intention to cheat from the beginning of the relationship. I highly doubt that's the case in most situations.

If the cheating is an impulse action and then they tell their significant other immediately, there isn't any deception involved.
 

verdant monkai

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Oct 30, 2011
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Let me get my violin out.

Why stay in a relationship when you know someone is cheating?:-
I wouldn't. I'd take non violent vengeance then end it. If it was marriage I'd probably sort something out, much grovelling, special arrangments and apologies would have to be made though.

Why do you have to suspend all reason in order to stay in the relationship?:-
You don't have to. You end it if someone is cheating. You are both going nowhere.

If you break up because your significant other cheated on you is it ok to post every detail on the internet for all to see, including names?:-
No its not ok. It's cringey and people will think less of you for it. It's healthier to focus on moving on with life.
 

Michael Kirley

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Dec 4, 2013
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Colour Scientist said:
Michael Kirley said:
Colour Scientist said:
RicoADF said:
I would think of it as warning others that your ex is a lying cheater that cannot be trusted so they don't go through the same shit. As far as I'm concerned cheaters deserve to be called out and publicly shamed.
People who cheat aren't necessarily liars and people cheat for a variety of different reasons, it doesn't mean that they deserve to have their name dragged through the dirt.

It reflects very poorly on the person posting it for all to see.

It sucks that someone hurt you but it doesn't mean that you should air your dirty laundry on Facebook.
If someone deceives you and cheats on you (hence lying about their agreement with the presumably monogamist pretense of the relationship) they are certainly a liar.
That would imply that they had the intention to cheat from the beginning of the relationship. I highly doubt that's the case in most situations.

If the cheating is an impulse action and then they tell their significant other immediately, there isn't any deception involved.
No, it wouldn't imply that at all. Breaking a promise isn't very far removed from telling a blatant falsehood. The deception is that the cheating partner promised the other partner that they wouldn't cheat. "Impulsive" decisions hardly abrogate one's free will (supposing there isn't any foul play/coma-inducing drugs) and so still break the promise. The person who makes the promise and the person who breaks it are the same people. Analogously, you can't get out of a contract you made yesterday by saying the person you are today didn't make the contract.
 

Colour Scientist

Troll the Respawn, Jeremy!
Jul 15, 2009
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Michael Kirley said:
No, it wouldn't imply that at all. Breaking a promise isn't very far removed from telling a blatant falsehood. The deception is that the cheating partner promised the other partner that they wouldn't cheat. "Impulsive" decisions hardly abrogate one's free will (supposing there isn't any foul play/coma-inducing drugs) and so still break the promise. The person who makes the promise and the person who breaks it are the same people. Analogously, you can't get out of a contract you made yesterday by saying the person you are today didn't make the contract.
Yeah, it's a shitty thing to do but the other person should just break ties, if that's what they chose to do, and move on.

There's no need to make it a public event.
 

Michael Kirley

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Dec 4, 2013
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Colour Scientist said:
Michael Kirley said:
No, it wouldn't imply that at all. Breaking a promise isn't very far removed from telling a blatant falsehood. The deception is that the cheating partner promised the other partner that they wouldn't cheat. "Impulsive" decisions hardly abrogate one's free will (supposing there isn't any foul play/coma-inducing drugs) and so still break the promise. The person who makes the promise and the person who breaks it are the same people. Analogously, you can't get out of a contract you made yesterday by saying the person you are today didn't make the contract.
Yeah, it's a shitty thing to do but the other person should just break ties, if that's what they chose to do, and move on.

There's no need to make it a public event.
I'm not arguing that it should be made a public event (although a person is well within their rights to explain to anyone they want why they're no longer in a relationship). I'm simply pointing out that cheating is fundamentally deceptive.
 

Poetic Nova

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Jan 24, 2012
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Been cheated on twice, both of the times I found it out myself due to changes in the behaviour of who I had something with at that time. Made sure that I have zero tollerance for this kind of bullshit.

Aerevolt said:
my questions to you all,
Why stay in a relationship when you know someone is cheating?
You don't, all thrust in your partner is gone. From my experience there's nothing that can set things right.

Aerevolt said:
Why do you have to suspend all reason in order to stay in the relationship?
I don't really understand this part but I think my previous sentence applies.

Aerevolt said:
If you break up because your significant other cheated on you is it ok to post every detail on the internet for all to see, including names?
The not so funny thing is, the last one I had a relationship with (who was one of them that cheated on me). Made one of my secrets public out of revenge for me breaking up with her. She then stalked me a few months afterwards.
 

Naeras

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Mar 1, 2011
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I've thankfully never been cheated on (or cheated myself), but I've spent the last week talking about the subject with two friends of mine, as the boyfriend of one of these friends had been cheating on her with the girlfriend of the other friend.

Don't you just love it when that happens? =.=;
 
Apr 5, 2008
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A lot of people have issues with their self-esteem. Even ignoring abusive relationships entirely, many, many people simply don't believe they'd be able to find anyone else. Perhaps they don't think their good enough or it may well be more pragmatic. With kids involved, sometimes staying together is the lesser of two evils. It could be the partner being cheated on is less stable financially or depends on their cheating partner a lot.

There are cases where cheating could be forgiven though it is on a case by case basis and depends on what both partners want, their individual situation vis a vis kids, living arrangements, finances, marriage, religion, etc. In some cases relationships are better in the long run for it as it forces both partners to address the issues that led to the infidelity and try harder moving forward.

But generally speaking, it's a hard thing to accept and there's no question of justification for leaving a partner who has cheated. Trust is vital to a healthy relationship.
 

nightmare_gorilla

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Jan 22, 2008
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This is going to make me sound like a misogynist asshole but, what doesn't these days, in my life neither I nor any of my male friends have cheated in any relationships. I was cheated on by my first GF, that was tough to get over. my best friend has been cheated on multiple times. some of my other male friends have been cheated on by their significant others.

as far as I'm concerned cheating is never ok and is NEVER the fault of the person cheated on. it takes exactly 30 seconds to end a relationship even if your staring right at a naked woman ready to jump your bones there is no excuse for not calling and ending it before you cheat. yeah it might be kind of hurtful to say "hey i'm about to have sex this isn't working for me anymore we're done bye." it's more hurtful to go through with it and tell them later.


Now, what constitutes cheating is a whole other argument, I've met women who considered looking at porn to be cheating. which is an idea I won't even entertain. also I've been told going to strip clubs is cheating, which is more debatable but I still think doesn't qualify so long as you don't unzip. ultimately I think faithfulness and what constitutes cheating has to be determined by the two parties involved in the relationship. Nothing wrong with an "open" relationship so long as both people involved in it are aware of the situation.
 

Libra

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Feb 4, 2012
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This is actually the main reason why I've decided not to date. The only way to make sure your heart is never trampled on is not to give it to anyone.

Regarding your question, love does strange things to people. Children might also be a factor; I've seen some seriously disastrous and/or unfaithful marriages stay together 'for the children'. I'd say breaking up would be better for the children, but whatever.
 

Kopikatsu

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May 27, 2010
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I don't know why people stay in relationships that are compromised like that. Perhaps they feel they invested too much time into it?

How I'd react probably depends on how serious the relationship was. If it wasn't really going anywhere, I'd just drop them and delete/block them from everything. If it was very serious (Like married for a decade), then I would probably kill them both and then off myself. I'm sure the people who do end up taking that route rarely plan for it in advance (it's called a crime of passion for a reason), but if it's someone that you're really, truly committed to... someone that you invested your entire life with? That you chose above all others to spend the rest of your days with? Utterly contemptible. There's no reason to continue after a betrayal like that.
 

PainInTheAssInternet

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Dec 30, 2011
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You shouldn't stay in a relationship after your significant other has cheated. Apart from the basic question of "Can I trust them?" (to which the obvious answer is a definite no), you have to think about what message you're sending. You are a doormat. They can do whatever they like and you will always be there at the end of the day.
 

clippen05

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Jul 10, 2012
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I've never been in a relationship, but I have a friend who is in one with a cheater. She (not my friend) cheated on her previous boyfriend multiple times, she cheated on her previous boyfriend with him, and now she cheats on him multiple times. He has put up with it; I don't know the specifics, but I would assume he doesn't want to lose her. Hell, I know that if I was in a relationship, I would be hesitant to end it, those things don't come easy. But while I would be hesitant, in the end I would definitely end things with a girl who did it; can't understand why he or anyone for that matter would continue on.
 

Reaper195

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Jul 5, 2009
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There are two kinds of cheating. The one where it is a once off and you confess as soon as possible. That is something a couple can possibly accept over a period of time and move on, the relationship surviving. And then there is the one where it's hidden for an extended period of time. As someone who was in the latter....you can get lost. My ex (This is going back about three or four years) was banging some dude for about six months. When I found out, she told me she had made a 'mistake'. I replied by telling her I never want to see her again. For some reason, she couldn't understand why I was so fucking furious. Apparently I should have been happy for her since she found someone she was happy with. I was really tempted to break my rule of not hitting someone unless they hit me. Why would you pretend to be in a happy relationship with someone you aren't happy with, giving them a false sense of 'worth'?

Fuck people like that.
 
Mar 26, 2008
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As someone who has been both the cheater and the cheatee I'd say that once it's happened in a relationship it is REALLY hard to salvage that relationship. Regardless of whether you think it is possible or it is worth saving, in my experience you (or your partner) will always have that nagging doubt about whether you are being lied to. Once the trust has been broken then it's very, very hard to get back. And even if you get it back to a "functioning" level, there are bound to be things that come up which set off in your head "are we going down that track again?"

In most cases, as callous as it may seem, I'd say cut your loses and move on. Your relationship will never be the way it was no matter how much you hope and try. Some people can live with that though.
 

DoomyMcDoom

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shootthebandit said:
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Having said all that its been proven that couples with open relationships and swingers tend to have on average healthier longer lasting relationships
In that situation though, there is no betrayal, both parties know and understand the situation.

Just saying, "Cheating" implies that your partner isn't cool with you sleeping around. So yeah, there's that.
 

Idsertian

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Aerevolt said:
The longest relationship I've had since the big, bad breakup, is with another girl where monogamy is out of the question, because she has a boyfriend. People having sex with other people is fine with me, as long as there's no lying involved. (And it's safe)
If I'm reading this right, are you saying that sex outside an ongoing relationship is ok, provided all parties are aware and consenting (and, of course, protected)?

...

Kudos to you, I wish more people had that kind of level-headed attitude.

OT: Never been cheated on, but then I've never really been in a position to have that happen to me. How would I react? Asking that is a bit like asking someone whether they've got the guts to shoot a person; you'll never know until it actually happens.

Would I do it myself? Hell no. That's just not on, you don't do that shit, bro.
 

Blow_Pop

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Jan 21, 2009
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Aerevolt said:
my questions to you all,
Why stay in a relationship when you know someone is cheating?
Sometimes you don't definitively know. You only suspect. And sometimes you can't find actual proof of it. Sometimes it's an abusive and manipulative relationship and they gaslight you into thinking you're crazy, obsessive, and paranoid. I had that with one relationship. The other relationships I've had, I found out they cheated on me and I broke up with them. One I broke up with and then found out after the fact he cheated and got his ex fiance pregnant while we were together.

Why do you have to suspend all reason in order to stay in the relationship?
I don't understand this question

If you break up because your significant other cheated on you is it ok to post every detail on the internet for all to see, including names?
I think this one really depends on the type of person you are. For me, yes, I have named names and detailed relationships, HOWEVER it was first names only(though there were accompanying photos) and it was in regards to three guys who only one of them cheated on me, one was a running partner, and all 3 raped me and it was a way of learning to accept it. And it was on my blogspot blog. And so that I can remember everything that happened. And not let it happen again. However, if the person and I have mutual friends and one of my friends is thinking of dating them (or hell, even an acquaintance) and I don't have their number, I'll privately send them a message warning them that I broke up with them because I was cheated on. But I won't go into a whole lot of details. Just the basics so that someone has all the facts and can make informed decisions.

Feel free to share your own completely ridiculous lies that you believed from a cheater.
(to be fair all of these were in aforementioned manipulative, abusive, gaslighting relationship_
"You're being crazy she's just a close friend"
"She's crazy, I don't know why she says we're dating"
"My parents don't believe us that we broke up so they still think we're dating and occasionally have to put in appearances"
"No, I didn't go out to LA to see her. I don't know what parking ticket you're talking about from last night"
"We're going to be poly. You can't sleep with anyone else though. I can" (btw, NOT poly)

(this one was high school)
"we're just talking about what to get you for your birthday" (between my at the time boyfriend and best friend)


On the topic of cheating, I hold a "it's not happening stance"
however,
having multiple friends in poly relationships I realise some things that I see as cheating aren't to them as they're actually honest with their partners and that's ok because it works for them but wouldn't for me.
 

TheIceQueen

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Sep 15, 2013
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A weird question for me. I have only ever had open relationships, meaning the other person can get sexually down with others and I am fine with that as long as they communicate with me. It doesn't matter tome much as I am not the jealous type. If they don't communicate with me, though, I cannot trust them. That's what my rule is in a relationship. I don't care what you do (obvious things like murder aside), just tell me. As long as you communicate with me, I still trust you. But next time, maybe include me, too~ Threesomes, whoo~

That said, I have been cheated on. Weird, right? But still, it was just yet another area in which they did not communicate with me on. That relationship is in the best and I have found someone who does communicate with me. It was still pretty shitty getting cheated on. Like, it's not exactly hard to tell me things. Getting told things is what I will be doing for a living!