Cliffy B's Addiction to Fruit Pies Exposed

[Jeff Gibson]

Gasp!

http://www.dramabutton.com

 

[The Rogue Wolf]

...suddenly, so much of what's happened in the last ten years makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE.

 

[MurderousToaster]

I wish I had Hostess foods in the UK. It seems like they come up in conversation between Americans a lot. I've never had a Twinkie, and want to know what they taste like.

 

[Sn1P3r M98]

"20 lemon flavored Hostess Fruit Pies" he was consuming "every day."

20 PIES A DAY!!?!! That's insane!! Is this even real? I still got a good laugh out of it though.

 

[Kryten1029a]

"As an ex-Hostess employee, I can corroborate Anonymouse's story (and no, I'm not a viral marketer for Little Debbie) - Epic's main offices provided for 43% of our orders nationwide, though he's got the facts severely bent.

Up until April of '09, Epic was hoarding Cherry Flavor Hostess Fruit Pies like nobody's business until a top exec in the Irving office (let's just call him 'Cheesecake Danish') started getting frantic calls from a 919 area code rambling about how the Fruit Pies were filled with 'weaksauce' and should be 'richer, better and more tasty-ass.'

The calls continued for about a week until a production officer (who we'll call 'Raspberry Toothache') reached out to PR and made the connection through Epic's official channels - poor Cliffy had been crunching late late late into the night, and in a cherry-flavored fever haze of debugging and scripting dialog for GoW3 on expired milk cartons, mistook the customer service number on the back of our treats for Mark Rein's secret 'emergency snack supply' phone line.

Apologies were made, and this is when the alliance began - a secret deal between Hostess and Epic (informally, the 'Epic Hostess Megacake Project') that would produce the doomed Frag Cakes line, flavored with a crimson carmelized toffee made to simulate the unique texture of freshly-stomped Locust tissue matter.

The cakes were a disaster, costing the company 720$ million in research and development and causing hundreds of focus group testers to swear off solid food of any kind for weeks.

I'm telling you, if you think making games is a rough business, the synthetic convenience snack treat industry will eat you alive - no pun intended."

One of the replies to the main post.
This is great.

I like the part about "...causing hundreds of focus group testers to swear off solid food of any kind for weeks."

 

[DanDeFool]

I sympathize. I mean, man, have you ever HAD one of those vending-machine fruit pies? They're like crisp, flaky cocaine with a gooey heroin center.

 

[Jumplion]

I don't blame him, I'm gorging down some Japanese mango-flavored fruit gummies that my dad's girlfriend got me, and I just....can't.....stop!

Oh the horror, the horror of it all!

 

[Logic 0]

You really can't blame him those pies are just that addicting.

 

[Nevyrmoore]

Twenty pies a day?! That's one hundred and forty pies a week!

140 pies! That's as many as 14 tens!

THAT'S TERRIBLE!

 

[Misterkillsall]

I wish I had Hostess foods in the UK. It seems like they come up in conversation between Americans a lot. I've never had a Twinkie, and want to know what they taste like.

My friend... a life without Twinkies is not a life worth having.

I will shed tears for my poor UK brethren tonight, for they are doomed to live in a cruel, dismal, Twinkie-less world.

 

[Rutskarn]

My response:

I don't believe you! Any possible allegations made against this company of people who design software for a living is categorically false. Source: I enjoy some of the software they have designed and sold.

This is the INTERNET, Anonymouse, if that is your real name. It's not enough that you'd have absolutely no reason to lie about the issue; being skeptical and demanding impossible-to-furnish evidence makes me look like an edgy, incisive free thinker, so I'm going to do so. Please post a comment listing your address and social security number so we can have private investigators follow you around and take pictures of you pointing at Cliffy B's fruit pies pile while flashing a specific gang sign, which will be randomly selected that morning and delivered to you in a sealed envelope.