Neuromancer Presents: Disorder Reviews
Rating system has been sanctified for true believers
Assassin's Creed (the Movie)
So last night while we were having a nice game of strip poker at my seaside mansion villa drinking tequila (my guests, I don't drink it's haram) and discussing my acquisition of the Disorder Reviews IP from the previous owner Kaffirtox, the man suffered from a stroke while writing a review about strokes, while also drinking a margarita and losing the card game with his feet.
While an impressive feat of multitasking, it did not save him from the divine wrath he brought upon himself from living a life full of sin. Luckily, my fourth wife, Farida, is an esteemed surgeon, so while she's performing an invasive brain surgery with toothpicks and plastic straws, I shall focus on something that matters, namely establishing my ownership of the Disorder Reviews by reviewing. And given the situation, what better thing to review but the Assassin's Creed movie? Why, Martin may be having his brain fluids leaking at my front porch, but that is nothing to the brain damage that was inflicted upon my brain while I was watching this godless movie.
Plot
I could describe the heathenous plot of this movie, but that would be giving the movie undeserved credit. You see, much like how the AssCreed video games are an excuse to act like you're some sort of badass in the middle ages, this movie is about Magneto looking at his mu'jahid moorish ancestor do things his kafir American loser self could never do due to lacking faith. Meanwhile, Jeremy Irons spends most of the movie looking at cameras of Magneto being held by a mechanical arm and being thrashed about, while the dead wife of DiCaprio from Inception stares blankly to the side of the camera, having realised it was better to be dead in a mediocre movie than alive in a shit one. Eventually Magneto finds God through LARPing his ancestors and calls for a jihad on on the infidel Templar Jeremy Irons, killing him and leaving DiCaprio's dead wife from Inception, whose father was Irons, having the same blank stare. It would seem working on this movie broke the poor woman.
Performances
The less to be said about performances the better. I do not know what kind of kafir degenerate you have to be to have someone like Jeremy Irons in your movie and still fail.
Magneto is playing an edgy American death rower who saw his mother killed by his father at a young age. And you can tell from his performance he is traumatised, as he skillfully switches between being stoic manly man and that one promotional image of Jared Leto as the Joker from Suicide Squad.. He starts hallucinating about his ancestor and what does he do? He laughs like he heard Saddam joke about that one time he was going to nuke Israel. His past mu’jahid self is likewise stoic, not even shouting in pain when his finger gets severed. As expected of a true man of faith.
Jeremy Irons does nothing all movie. He has maybe two paragraphs of lines, and most of his scenes are about him looking at Magneto at the cameras. He always looks at them quizzically, which might actually not be him acting, but rather him watching footage from the movie he is made to work in while the camera is rolling wondering, if the money was worth selling his integrity. It never is, Jeremy. Just ask my private jet pilot, who hasn’t seen his family in two years from all the flying he is contractually obligated to do.
Finally, DiCaprio's dead wife from Inception gives an even more wooden performance, playing a woman who has through studying unheavenly sciences convicted herself she is a robot. Her expression is always blank, lifeless. As a matter of fact, since I’m looking at it right now, the same expression Martin has while half his brain has gone down the drain, my dear wife Farida doing her best to save him by replacing the dead brain tissue with leftover steak from a day ago. That woman’s ingenuity never seizes to amaze me.
Action
What did seize to amaze me almost immediately, meanwhile, is the action in this movie. Most of the action you see, is in the flashback sequences as they follow Magneto's ancestor trying to stop infidel Spaniards from eating his apple. And though I am always down for some old-fashioned religious bloodletting, and can admire a man's dedication to keeping a healthy halal diet, I cannot say the scenes had anything to stand out for them. Sure, it is cool to watch Christians get killed, but the assassins never live up to their name. While the games have stealth elements, there is no stealth in how the assassins do their work here, a truly unfortunate thing. I suppose the Hollywood indoctrinated neck beards that are the target audience for this movie are here for badass backflips and wall running like it’s prince of persia, ignorant that Persians are Shia and thus scum.
Then again, the last part of the movie has no action to it and is the most boring part so I am not sure what to say. The direction is so bad, that, and believe when I say that this is the one part of the review I am being genuinely serious, most of the final 20 minutes of the film is close ups at characters faces for extended periods of time while nothing is happening.
DiCaprio’s dead wife from Inception has a sequence where the camera is affixed to her for 20 seconds while she stares to the side doing nothing, then there’s a brief dialogue with some other Templar woman, and then another 20 or so seconds of staring at DiCaprio’s dead wife from Inception looking off-screen. And that’s the latter part of this movie. It’s utterly ridiculous.
Overall
The Assassin's Creed movie is shamefully bad. There are many ways they could have made a passable movie and the setting, stupid as it is, has a lot of potential. Instead you are treated to a intellectually and artistically dead corpse of a movie, there to make a quick buck out of ignorant American kafirs. The fact that it failed at the box office is a sign that God exists and is all merciful.
Speaking of God’s own endless mercy, it seems Martin may well be on the road to recovery. He started breathing again after 20 minutes of being clinically dead, and as long as the tinfoil holds in the brain fluids (and the extra delicious spiced sauce I made to accompany that steak, yummy) Farida tells he he will pull through. Isn’t life full of miracles?
PERSONAL RATING: 7/30
RECOMMENDATION RATING: 9/11
LETTERED RATING: Joe Biden's ever deteriorating brain in movie form
Rating system has been sanctified for true believers
Martin had a stroke after a night of drunk poker where he lost the Disorder Reviews IP
Assassin's Creed (the Movie)
So last night while we were having a nice game of strip poker at my seaside mansion villa drinking tequila (my guests, I don't drink it's haram) and discussing my acquisition of the Disorder Reviews IP from the previous owner Kaffirtox, the man suffered from a stroke while writing a review about strokes, while also drinking a margarita and losing the card game with his feet.
While an impressive feat of multitasking, it did not save him from the divine wrath he brought upon himself from living a life full of sin. Luckily, my fourth wife, Farida, is an esteemed surgeon, so while she's performing an invasive brain surgery with toothpicks and plastic straws, I shall focus on something that matters, namely establishing my ownership of the Disorder Reviews by reviewing. And given the situation, what better thing to review but the Assassin's Creed movie? Why, Martin may be having his brain fluids leaking at my front porch, but that is nothing to the brain damage that was inflicted upon my brain while I was watching this godless movie.
Plot
I could describe the heathenous plot of this movie, but that would be giving the movie undeserved credit. You see, much like how the AssCreed video games are an excuse to act like you're some sort of badass in the middle ages, this movie is about Magneto looking at his mu'jahid moorish ancestor do things his kafir American loser self could never do due to lacking faith. Meanwhile, Jeremy Irons spends most of the movie looking at cameras of Magneto being held by a mechanical arm and being thrashed about, while the dead wife of DiCaprio from Inception stares blankly to the side of the camera, having realised it was better to be dead in a mediocre movie than alive in a shit one. Eventually Magneto finds God through LARPing his ancestors and calls for a jihad on on the infidel Templar Jeremy Irons, killing him and leaving DiCaprio's dead wife from Inception, whose father was Irons, having the same blank stare. It would seem working on this movie broke the poor woman.
Performances
The less to be said about performances the better. I do not know what kind of kafir degenerate you have to be to have someone like Jeremy Irons in your movie and still fail.
Magneto is playing an edgy American death rower who saw his mother killed by his father at a young age. And you can tell from his performance he is traumatised, as he skillfully switches between being stoic manly man and that one promotional image of Jared Leto as the Joker from Suicide Squad.. He starts hallucinating about his ancestor and what does he do? He laughs like he heard Saddam joke about that one time he was going to nuke Israel. His past mu’jahid self is likewise stoic, not even shouting in pain when his finger gets severed. As expected of a true man of faith.
Jeremy Irons does nothing all movie. He has maybe two paragraphs of lines, and most of his scenes are about him looking at Magneto at the cameras. He always looks at them quizzically, which might actually not be him acting, but rather him watching footage from the movie he is made to work in while the camera is rolling wondering, if the money was worth selling his integrity. It never is, Jeremy. Just ask my private jet pilot, who hasn’t seen his family in two years from all the flying he is contractually obligated to do.
Finally, DiCaprio's dead wife from Inception gives an even more wooden performance, playing a woman who has through studying unheavenly sciences convicted herself she is a robot. Her expression is always blank, lifeless. As a matter of fact, since I’m looking at it right now, the same expression Martin has while half his brain has gone down the drain, my dear wife Farida doing her best to save him by replacing the dead brain tissue with leftover steak from a day ago. That woman’s ingenuity never seizes to amaze me.
Action
What did seize to amaze me almost immediately, meanwhile, is the action in this movie. Most of the action you see, is in the flashback sequences as they follow Magneto's ancestor trying to stop infidel Spaniards from eating his apple. And though I am always down for some old-fashioned religious bloodletting, and can admire a man's dedication to keeping a healthy halal diet, I cannot say the scenes had anything to stand out for them. Sure, it is cool to watch Christians get killed, but the assassins never live up to their name. While the games have stealth elements, there is no stealth in how the assassins do their work here, a truly unfortunate thing. I suppose the Hollywood indoctrinated neck beards that are the target audience for this movie are here for badass backflips and wall running like it’s prince of persia, ignorant that Persians are Shia and thus scum.
Then again, the last part of the movie has no action to it and is the most boring part so I am not sure what to say. The direction is so bad, that, and believe when I say that this is the one part of the review I am being genuinely serious, most of the final 20 minutes of the film is close ups at characters faces for extended periods of time while nothing is happening.
DiCaprio’s dead wife from Inception has a sequence where the camera is affixed to her for 20 seconds while she stares to the side doing nothing, then there’s a brief dialogue with some other Templar woman, and then another 20 or so seconds of staring at DiCaprio’s dead wife from Inception looking off-screen. And that’s the latter part of this movie. It’s utterly ridiculous.
Overall
The Assassin's Creed movie is shamefully bad. There are many ways they could have made a passable movie and the setting, stupid as it is, has a lot of potential. Instead you are treated to a intellectually and artistically dead corpse of a movie, there to make a quick buck out of ignorant American kafirs. The fact that it failed at the box office is a sign that God exists and is all merciful.
Speaking of God’s own endless mercy, it seems Martin may well be on the road to recovery. He started breathing again after 20 minutes of being clinically dead, and as long as the tinfoil holds in the brain fluids (and the extra delicious spiced sauce I made to accompany that steak, yummy) Farida tells he he will pull through. Isn’t life full of miracles?
PERSONAL RATING: 7/30
RECOMMENDATION RATING: 9/11
LETTERED RATING: Joe Biden's ever deteriorating brain in movie form
