Disorder Reviews: Top 5 Ugly Bastards

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Martintox

Mister Disorder
Legacy
Apr 3, 2020
16,017
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Martintox Presents: Disorder Reviews

Rating System

I have a new album and a new Disorder Reviews blog. I have recently recovered from a stroke, and I am now in serious debt.

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TOP 5 UGLY BASTARDS

"All praise is due to Mr. Disorder, Lord of the ugly bastards,
The Entirely Penetrative, the Especially Penetrative,
Sovereign of the Day of Cuckoldry.
It is You we worship and You we ask for help.
Guide us to the straight path -
The path of those upon whom You have bestowed the gift of repulsion, not of weeaboos who have evoked [Your] anger or of incels who are astray."
- The Quckuran, 1:1-7

It's through the will of Disorder that the Ugly Bastard is made flesh -- modeled in the image of the dark heart of the sexually frustrated, these angels descend upon the world of the living and whisper to the pornography artists, granting them permanent post-nut clarity and turning them into the vessels of the weeaboo's destruction. By having intercourse with one highly stylized fictional woman at a time, they unravel and tear down the architecture of sexual aggression that serves as the foundation to the anime fan's fantasies and delusions. They provoke confusion, hatred, perhaps even violence in the people they wish to save, for a clear reason: the Ugly Bastard answers to what the weeb needs, not what it wants. To commemorate their importance in the perennial battle against the forces of sexual exaltation, I will go over the five most significant cases of the Ugly Bastard in recent history.

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#5: KING KRULE


We begin with a pick courtesy of fellow Escapist user Sneed's SeednFeed's mother, who has quite astutely referred to this man as "one ugly bastard". This (pardon my French) chimpanzee-looking ginger head anglo has been hard at work on a music career in which he integrates all sorts of musical influences, spanning hip hop, post-punk, jazz, psychedelic, downtempo, and ambient among others; this allows him to screw with plebeians who are only into one of those genres by doing a little bit of everything, then fingering his guitar as a subliminal indication that he's doing it in bed with their favorite Portishead single whenever they're out playing on their Nintendo Switch. The best part: he's only 25, with already three albums out without including side projects. He still has a long way to go to prove himself as much as some of the others on this list, but the sheer strides he has made in the past few years have shown him to be a veritable bastard prodigy. As a result, it's important to keep an eye on his further excursions in musical cuckoldry, in hopes that he does not burn out before his time like Crystal Pepsi did.

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#4: BORIS JOHNSON


This is a very unorthodox and high-profile case of ugly bastardom which has been brewing over the latter half of the 2010s. Having been bestowed an utterly repulsive look, Boris Johnson was quick to take the initiative by working as a political columnist by his early 30s. Afterwards, he was able to become mayor of London, and thus dick the English capital for a whopping two terms. It was only with the dawn of Brexit, however, that he would put in motion his greatest act of NTR: after expressing his support for leaving the European Union, he has presumably cucked Theresa May with the Queen so hard that the former had no choice but to resign, allowing him to take the helm of the Tories and ultimately win the 2019 election. To this day, he has been working tirelessly to aggravate England's troubled marriage with economic prosperity by securing the possibility of a no-deal Brexit and privatizing some of the country's most essential public institutions, drawing much inspiration from his American brethren. (I have chosen not to include any Americans in this list, as they would otherwise occupy every spot.) Although even he doesn't reach the same heights as the three above him, he is certain to remain one of the most relevant ugly bastards in the business for years to come.

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#3: TITO DICK "DICKMAN"


Already, I can hear the indignant cries of the myriad Nutshack fans: "How dare you, self-proclaimed god of the ugly bastards, claim that Tito Dick "Dickman" is one of yours? Are you so daft as to ignore the sheer sex appeal that he holds?" This is an understandable complaint, but know that I say this while bearing in mind the deeper nuances of The Nutshack's lore. Do you remember the episode in which Jack accidentally turns Horat into a time machine, over the course of which we see history change to a near unrecognizable level? The ambiguous ending, in which Tito confiscates the machine and uses it for unknown purposes, is the key to understanding how the Nutshack world is what it is: if Tito Dick "Dickman" is not an ugly bastard in the context of the show, that's only because the entire series is designed like an ugly bastard. Due to retroactive off-screen changes in the timeline, the Dickman holds such a powerful presence that the entire Nutshack universe has been twisted so as to better suit his Filipino sweatshop-produced look, and consequently make him an Adonis among his entourage. Other ugly bastards can only dream of such levels of corruption and cuckoldry; it would be an insult to leave him off this list.

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#2: THIS GUY



I actually have absolutely no idea who this guy is and where he's from, but by me, he is most certainly the platonic ideal of the ugly bastard. You need only peruse the brilliantly nasty creases of his face, his grotesque smile as he presents to you his business card, to understand that he is attuned to his greater purpose on a level that not even Jesus or Muhammad could match. Unlike many other men of his caliber, he does not need to seek out opportunities for cuckoldry: his talents are so highly in demand that he has successfully turned his mission into a business. In a world such as that of weeaboos, who vocally express their disgust whenever their favorite artist makes a doujin with the "ugly bastard" tag, letting targets come to you instead of pursuing them is a mark of either hubris or unprecedented confidence and power, and it's safe to say that this man fits nicely in the latter category, serving as the Tomaru Sawagoe of his field.

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#1: SNEED'S SEEDNFEED

He fucked my wife.

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HONORABLE MENTIONS

1. The Predator
2. Latif for not bankrolling me
3. [REDACTED]

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Last edited:

Chimpzy

Simian Abomination
Legacy
Escapist +
Apr 3, 2020
12,191
8,435
118
chimpanzee-looking ginger head anglo
chimpanzee-looking
chimpanzee-looking
Eh, mate, that's a compliment. See that down there? Have you ever seen so much swag and big dick energy in one picture? Majestic AF, that's what.



I get it tho, you Homo tend to believe yourselves the pinnacle of evolution. I mean, you're wrong, but that's not your fault.
 

Sneed's SeednFeed

Elite Member
Apr 10, 2020
267
97
33
Country
Azerbaijan
Eh, mate, that's a compliment. See that down there? Have you ever seen so much swag and big dick energy in one picture? Majestic AF, that's what.



I get it tho, you Homo tend to believe yourselves the pinnacle of evolution. I mean, you're wrong, but that's not your fault.
It's something magical, I tell you.