Disorder Reviews: Trump: The Art of the Deal (1987)

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Mister Disorder
Apr 3, 2020
Martintox Presents: Disorder Reviews

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I have a new album and a new Disorder Reviews blog. I have recently recovered from a stroke, and I am now in serious debt.



Author: Donald J. Trump, Tony Schwartz
Publisher: Random House
Release Date: 1st November 1987
Genre: memoir, business advice, psychological thriller


Short-time readers may not remember Neuromancer's acquisition of the Disorder Reviews IP, following an unfortunate stroke that I had undergone while reviewing the concept of a stroke and playing strip poker with my feet. Truth be told, I'm still amazed I was able to do these two things at once (I can't now, of course, otherwise the steak in my brain will start to liquefy again), but that's neither here nor there. What matters is that, in that moment, I had made a decision to surrender my property under the influence of a condition that made me physically unable to receive information properly, let alone respond to that information with a similar level of adequacy. It's a bold maneuver to be sure, but I would be remiss to act as if I had not received inspiration from pioneers long before my time. For the sake of all the business owners out there who are looking to lose the property they've fought tooth and nail to copyright before someone else could snatch that great name they thought about in college after switching from medicine, I am willing to discuss my most vital guide in all that is business, transactions, bribes, and under-the-table handies.

Donald J. Trump (the J. stands for J) needs no introduction: it's safe to say he is one of the most recognizable men in the world, on the same level as Michael Jackson and Pepsiman. The latter comparison is particularly appropriate, as Trump has served as the face of PepsiCo for nearly 50 years, brutally purveying the legendary soft drink across the globe like Europeans manifesting destiny in America (the only difference is PepsiCo haven't dabbled in spreading smallpox yet). You may not know the method, but you certainly know the madness: remember that time when he carried a crate of Pepsi Max from his homeland of Germany all the way to Prince Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, entirely on camel-back? The drinks were warm and most likely tasted like shit by the time they had arrived, yes, but what mattered was the message: "If you're not interested in my product by the time I've started, I'll make goddamn sure you will by the time I'm done, and you better hope for the sake of your genitalia I don't need a second time to convince you."

Trump: The Art of the Deal is just about the reference for anyone who wishes to learn from the Donnie T's unique form of ultra-proactive business. What makes it such a strong read, first and foremost, is that it elaborates organically on its core subjects by using various incidents from Trump's career as a foundation -- the aforementioned Pepsi Max pilgrimage serves as the springboard for an excellent exploration of time and cost management, but the work also covers the Boston Pepsi Party and what is often known as the "Belgrano Election Plot". In fact, it's so eager to teach by example that the very first page tells you to buy the book a second time for the chance to get a discount coupon for a third copy. Mind you, while one can summarize The Art of the Deal's message as "be extremely assertive", there are a lot of nuances that ensure that you are assertive in a way that doesn't make your client call the police (at least not before you've made the deal).

The most important part of doing business is to make sure the cards are stacked in your favor from the get-go. The first pitch is, by far, the most critical, and giving a good first impression is paramount. You must come to understand the market by yourself -- don't rely on other people's expensive surveys that are most likely outsorced to Indian tech support teams. You're making deals with the biggest in the business; these are people who organize sex cult gatherings every Thursday night. The last thing you want to do is look eager to bend over. You have one meaningful shot to get a sale going, and you need to look like you've been in this rodeo so long that you've personally sold Japanese women to the Portuguese in the 16th century. You have to do things earlier and better than your adversaries, and if you're able to live up to that standard, it's not impossible that you'll go under budget. Finally, you have to exercise patience and resilience. If you don't, you'll look desperate to make a deal, and you'll compromise on what you want or what you give. You have to act like you're offering the best, and you'll get that offer through without meeting your client halfway. If Trump hadn't studied the Saudi market, he wouldn't have known to use a camel; if he hadn't made efficient use of his time and funds, he wouldn't have known to bring an extra camel along as food instead of buying processed camel meat for more money per kilo, something that would have meant starvation on the way there. Once he had reached Salman, he knew better than to rush things: he cracked open a can of Pepsi Max and kept chugging until the Prince himself became thirsty and begged for a drink.

It goes without saying that I've made good use of this advice in my own sale of the Disorder Reviews IP. It took me months to be able to write and play poker simultaneously, but it allowed me to assert my resolve as an entrepreneur in a bold new way: not only was I dedicated, I was professional and willing to experiment. Of course, I was dealing with the best: Neuromancer (along with his four wives) is ruthless in his own right, and a mere display of multitasking was far from enough to sway him. That's why I needed a Trump card: to make him want to acquire Disorder Reviews at any cost, I had to show that God himself would have to strike me down to make me compromise on my offer. Thus, I also learned how to have a seizure on will, and made use of it to brilliant effect. In retrospect, I feel I may have made inappropriate use of this asset, considering I've ultimately compromised on my offer in a very major way, but you can understand that I have still left a major impression thanks to my unorthodox pitch, and I have The Art of the Deal to thank for that. From experience, I can tell you that any aspiring entrepreneur looking to make an unconventional sale should not be caught dead without it. (It's worth mentioning, as a brief post-scriptum, the spin-off work Donald Trump's Real Estate Tycoon, which itself is a masterclass work of business performance art, in that anyone who bought a CD copy of the game basically paid for a 20-dollar coaster.)





While Undertale has certainly made a lot of money (about 50 bucks), it's clear that Toby Fox was too foolish to follow any advice from The Art of the Deal when it came to promoting his game, otherwise he would have known to shit on Andrew Hussie's doorstep as a way to assert dominance.