Don?t Take It Personally, Babe, It Just Ain?t Your Story

Lara Crigger

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Don?t Take It Personally, Babe, It Just Ain?t Your Story

What to do before your crush heads off to Kuwait.

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TitanAura

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I take issue with the idea that Sony and Microsoft fanboys can get along for a few minutes let alone a few HOURS.
 

Sandernista

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Oh so our replies [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/538.301657-Poll-Relationship-Question] weren't enough? HUH?

I really enjoyed the article, thanks!
 

Saelune

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Glad to see she sometimes knows what shes talking about. Some of the advice has been terrible before, but this one seemed pretty fair this time.
 

artanis_neravar

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Hafrael said:
Oh so our replies [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/538.301657-Poll-Relationship-Question] weren't enough? HUH?

I really enjoyed the article, thanks!
Hey! apparently my friend hijacked my account, teach me to forget to log out at his house. Either way good advice that's what I told him to do as well. (also he says he sent his question to Love FAQ first then got bored and posted it there)
 

Lara Crigger

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I didn't see the poll, honest! Guess the guy got tired of waiting for a reply.

Speaking of which, I should mention: I've got a HUGE backlog of questions to get through -- over a hundred, with more coming in every week. So wonderful, wonderful readers, please be patient if it takes me a while to get to yours. I can only do so many in one week!
 

ExtraDebit

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The advice this time was pretty on the money. However there are still things I like to add.

First letter:

She is not the woman of your dreams, or at least not the ONLY woman of your dreams. I should know because I had one in university and thought I'll never get marry after we break up. But you'll be surprise how easily you can get over it if you just put yourself back in the game and in another woman's arms, even prostitutes will work.

And this happened to me during my university years, a mentally and emotionally mature stage comparatively speaking. You were in high school, you could easily mistaken infatuation for "woman of my dreams" or love. You can't really know if you love a person or not until after the sexual elements are over with and you both begins to rediscover each other's personality.

I pretty much agree on the part of just let her go. There's more than one fish in the sea, more than one tree in the forest. But if you're like me and bad at goodbyes, I suggest you get good at forgetting, cutting off all tides isn't a bad idea if everything about her reminds you of what you want but can't get. Don't be her friend, you got lots you don't need another.

Second letter:

Lara was right, just ask her out, just do it. The worst is she say no, no big deal. Whatever your faults don't judge yourself, let her be the judge. Just tell her what you want and how you feel and let her decide for herself.

If you do want to laid her, tell her in a romantic way. Remember it's not what we say but how we say it. Say somethings along the line : "you know these pass few days after I got to know you better I found myself growing fond of you and can't stop myself thinking of you. I would really like to get together sometime and explore a relationship between us that's beyond the platonic level" or just simply "I like you, let's go out" will suffice.

Remember there are billions of women in the world, you want her but you don't want to waste time, if she doesn't think of you this way it's better to find out now and move on quick. But just do it and find out.

Regrets for what you did can be tamper by time, it is regrets for what you did NOT do that is inconsolable.
 

ExtraDebit

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Saelune said:
Glad to see she sometimes knows what shes talking about. Some of the advice has been terrible before, but this one seemed pretty fair this time.
I agree, but this is not all her fault, she's just telling it from a woman's point of view. They need a co-writer for this article, perhaps a male.
 

Dastardly

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Lara Crigger said:
Love FAQ: Don?t Take It Personally, Babe, It Just Ain?t Your Story

What to do before your crush heads off to Kuwait.

Read Full Article
to The One Left Behind:

Whatever it is you decide to do, your number one concern should be getting your intentions and your expectations straight. This is harder to do than it sounds. Most of us, when we "tell someone how we feel," what we're really doing is "asking them to reciprocate." Not even just asking if they do, but expecting that, if we're just sincere and eloquent enough, they just will.

Doesn't work that way, though. You've had, what, four years (and then some) to get your feelings straight? To feel them, think about them, react to them... She hasn't. If you hit her with this, no matter how well you plead your case, it's going to be a blindside. And she's got enough on her mind.

Be her friend. While she's away from the physical, mental, and social comforts of home, she's going to need all the drama-free support she can get. If you spring this on her before you she goes, it's going to taint every bit of communication the two of you have while she's away. You'll constantly be hinting for an answer, while she is constantly hinting she's not ready to give one. (And trust me, you'll do this. Emotion's one job is to override reason, and while it often seems like a wildcard, it's incredibly predictable.)

As a result, she'd probably shy away from keeping in touch. That means less chance for you to demonstrate that care for her, and it means she has one less ally. Everyone loses. You can best show how much you care by caring, rather than by describing it (and thus obligating her to respond). Save it, for her sake.

to Sidekick:

Your other friends really aren't a part of this interaction. It's just you and this girl. That certainly makes matters a bit simpler, right?

Which is good, because here's where it gets complicated: Your question was "do I ask her out, or become friends first?" Why are these two so separate in your mind? If you're really just "asking her out," isn't it to get to know her better and spend time with her -- to become a friend?

Furthermore, if you decide not to ask her out, do you really think you'll be acting as just a "friend first?" Doubtful. You have a romantic interest, and whether or not she knows about it, it is informing your choices and actions. Be aware of that.

I'm not saying don't ask her out. In fact, I'm pretty much saying the opposite. You're kidding yourself if you think that not asking her out means any of your hang-out time is "just as friends." That means you've already got the question in your mind, and it's better to have it answered.

Ask her out. If she says no, in any form, you've got your answer. If she says yes, that's no reason not to still behave as friends would--just because you're not just friends doesn't mean friendship isn't a gigantic factor in this. Don't separate those two so sharply in your mind, or you'll trick yourself into some very messy situations.

So, while I'm advocating you "be careful," I'm not talking about her. Or the situation. Be careful about you. Be honest and aware of what you're looking for in this. And then proceed with cautious abandon.
 

Sandernista

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Lara Crigger said:
I didn't see the poll, honest! Guess the guy got tired of waiting for a reply.

Speaking of which, I should mention: I've got a HUGE backlog of questions to get through -- over a hundred, with more coming in every week. So wonderful, wonderful readers, please be patient if it takes me a while to get to yours. I can only do so many in one week!
I was just playing with the OP from that advice thread.

And, well, I can't wait to read all these forthcoming articles :D
 

AbstractStream

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This column keeps getting better and better each week. Keep it up Lara!

To the second guy:
Ask her out!!
 

Dogstile

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I'm not going to comment on the article because everyone else has it covered.

What I am commenting on is the excellent reference in your title. Everyone should google Don't Take It Personally Babe It Just Ain't Your Story right now.

also, the video captchas are back? Really? For christs sake. Also, dead cat bounce? Who thinks up these captchas?
 

BehattedWanderer

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To the second questioner: Go for it! But, under pain of pain, do NOT have a messy breakup the day before the wedding. Because the Bride will kill you. Even if your heart is broken, you damn well better be happy in those bridal party/Groomsmen pictures. But go for it! You have the internet's support, what could possibly go wrong?
 

Hiphophippo

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dogstile said:
I'm not going to comment on the article because everyone else has it covered.

What I am commenting on is the excellent reference in your title. Everyone should google Don't Take It Personally Babe It Just Ain't Your Story right now.

also, the video captchas are back? Really? For christs sake. Also, dead cat bounce? Who thinks up these captchas?
I was really expecting a reference in the actual writing as well. Weird isn't it? Seriously guys, the name of this article is the exact name of a pretty neat interactive fiction game. It uses an anime aesthetic (one I"m not into but hey, whatever.) to tell a very non traditional and serious game story.

I really liked it. If you've got a few hours to spare play it.

http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2011/04/06/dont-take-it-personally-review/

For reference.
 

Sentox6

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Hafrael said:
Oh so our replies [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/538.301657-Poll-Relationship-Question] weren't enough? HUH?

I really enjoyed the article, thanks!
Seeing as (at present) 64.5% of people actually said "friends first", I'd say no, the replies weren't enough.

Apparently more people than not are scared enough of rejection that they'll try and build a so-called friendship just to bolster their chances. Of course it can be excused as getting to know the other person better or somesuch, but in my experience (casual empiricism alert), being friends doesn't fly after a rejection at least 90% of the time (and besides, being 'great' friends does not guarantee in any way that a more intimate relationship will work). So really you're doing the other person the disservice of building a relationship that's predicated almost entirely on the hope of something more.
 

Sandernista

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Sentox6 said:
Hafrael said:
Oh so our replies [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/538.301657-Poll-Relationship-Question] weren't enough? HUH?

I really enjoyed the article, thanks!
Seeing as (at present) 64.5% of people actually said "friends first", I'd say no, the replies weren't enough.

Apparently more people than not are scared enough of rejection that they'll try and build a so-called friendship just to bolster their chances. Of course it can be excused as getting to know the other person better or somesuch, but in my experience (casual empiricism alert), being friends doesn't fly after a rejection at least 90% of the time. So really you're doing the other person the disservice of building a relationship that's predicated on the hope of something more.
Reread the question in the thread.

It wasn't so much becoming friends, as getting to know her. Getting to know someone before dating them is always a good idea.
 

Sentox6

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Hafrael said:
Reread the question in the thread.

It wasn't so much becoming friends, as getting to know her. Getting to know someone before dating them is always a good idea.
I did read the question. He clearly stated they'd known each other for a while and had already been hanging out together. He obviously knows her enough to know that he likes her. Besides, asking someone out doesn't negate getting to know them; it's doing the very thing, but with the mutual acknowledgement of attraction, which is considerably better than suppressing your feelings.

I'm not disagreeing with you, but anyone who was advocating "friends first" in the context of that thread was giving outright bad advice.
 

Lara Crigger

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dogstile said:
What I am commenting on is the excellent reference in your title. Everyone should google Don't Take It Personally Babe It Just Ain't Your Story right now.
Also, you can download the game (one of my favorite indie titles in recent years!) directly at the author's site, http://www.scoutshonour.com/donttakeitpersonallybabeitjustaintyourstory/
 

Sandernista

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Sentox6 said:
Hafrael said:
Reread the question in the thread.

It wasn't so much becoming friends, as getting to know her. Getting to know someone before dating them is always a good idea.
I did read the question. He clearly stated they'd known each other for a while and had already been hanging out together. He obviously knows her enough to know that he likes her. Besides, asking someone out doesn't negate getting to know them; it's doing the very thing, but with the mutual acknowledgement of attraction, which is considerably better than suppressing your feelings.

I'm not disagreeing with you, but anyone who was advocating "friends first" in the context of that thread was giving outright bad advice.
It seems I needed to go back and read that thread. :)

I was thinking of something else >.>
 

artanis_neravar

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BehattedWanderer said:
To the second questioner: Go for it! But, under pain of pain, do NOT have a messy breakup the day before the wedding. Because the Bride will kill you. Even if your heart is broken, you damn well better be happy in those bridal party/Groomsmen pictures. But go for it! You have the internet's support, what could possibly go wrong?
Are you kidding me? I am terrified of the bride as is I am concerned enough with living that I do my best to avoid getting on her bad side on normal days. Oh and I am fairly certain that she (my friends fiance) already knows about my crush on her brides maid.