Embarrassing sex-related stories

[MercurySteam]

I remember a while ago, I found this website or something that was entertaining to read through the cringeworthy and sympathetic, yet hilarious stories, so I thought it'd be nice for people to share.

Sounds like the intimacy section of FML [http://www.fmylife.com/] I love that place.

I remember one from there where a girl's little sister threatened to tell their mum about a condom she found so the girl's boyfriend punched her then and there. Not exactly intimate but still funny.

 

[Kathinka]

didn't happen to me but involves me xD

there was this party once in highschool. everyone was fairly drunk, and my boyfriend thought he'd pick me up and go into one of the rooms in the house.
he gets busy undressing me and his thoughts go something like: "huh, strange. her belly button piercing has a blue gem in it. could have sworn it was yellow..and..wait. she's scratchy..but today in the morning she was smooth..OH SHIT!"
as it turns out, he picked up my twin sister and dragged her into one of the rooms, and she was so blitzed she didn't realize what was going on and didn't protest xD
good thing he left the lights on^^
he told me about it right away and it was an honest mistake (even our own mother has only an about 50% hit rate in telling us appart :-/ ), so i wasn't mad at him. quite the opposite actually, he could have proceeded and i'd probably never have known about it, but he chose to confess it to me instead^^

Man in a million right there.

yeah i know..was 16 when i tricked him into being with me somehow, 8 years ago, and i'll never let him go again, he missed that chance^^

 

[Guitarmasterx7]

Like second time I had sex the girl I was with was a squirter. I didn't know that was a thing at the time (I was like, 15) so when she did it I just stopped and went "did you just piss on my dick?" It was a pretty big mood killer since this was back when I wasn't nearly as depraved as I am now.

There are a few more but they would probably get me banned from these forums to talk about and are more gross than funny anyways.

 

[Tipsy Giant]

I move a lot in my sleep, and I will often talk, and sometimes sit up and arrange pillows, or what ever is in arms reach...

On more than one occasion I have woken up in the early hours of the morning, mid-sex... and then after finishing, and being totally confused, learnt each time that I had initiated it! Seems that on occasion I had wandering hands in my sleep, and had... well... to much detail for here, but you get the picture!

Anyone else had sleep sex which wasn't drink related?

YES!

I when I was dating the first girl i lived with i'd wake up most mornings to being in the middle of sex already or a harsh slap from my girlfriend telling me I woke her up with a stab!

To this day she doesn't believe me

 

[Tipsy Giant]

To this day I have issues doing it with my wife on her period.

Too bad. Period sex is nature's birth control. ^^

Just don't forget to bring a towel.

 

[game-lover]

Well, a friend once walked in on me shagging his girl. To be honest, I was quite drunk and we sort of just decided upon the whole "shagging"-idea in a dark room. I mean, it was DARK, I couldn't be sure it was her.

Anyhow I suppose the worst part was that I tried to justify it (this is while I'm still on top of her, I'll have you know) with:
"Pal, if she'd do me I don't think your relationship had any future."
To save you a whole lot of details it ended in a naked exchanging of fists. I was the naked one, not he. He had no shirt on though.

If you guys are still friends, I will be impressed and surprised...

I remember a while ago, I found this website or something that was entertaining to read through the cringeworthy and sympathetic, yet hilarious stories, so I thought it'd be nice for people to share.

Sounds like the intimacy section of FML [http://www.fmylife.com/] I love that place.

I remember one from there where a girl's little sister threatened to tell their mum about a condom she found so the girl's boyfriend punched her then and there. Not exactly intimate but still funny.

Pfft. Provided I wasn't knocked out, after I'd bash his head in with the nearest large and hard object, then I'd go tell.

And if he did knock me out, he'd just best leave the house because that is something I'd make effing sure he'd pay for.

 

[ElPatron]

On topic, I banged a straight guy. I'm pretty proud of that. Not embarrassing for me so much though I guess.

**checks profile - notes that you are male**

So, how did that happen? You really didn't share the story so much as the result. And, if the guy let you have sex with him, doesn't that at least make him bi (or closeted bi or something)?

I've come across people like that before. They are just like sex that much - gender is not important. Doesn't mean they are willing to have a relationship with men or anything.

 

[Pfheonix]

First and regrettably only time I had sex. I was fifteen she was sixteen or something like that. We go at it once, and then do the cuddling thing, then go again, and she's on top. Then, and here's the kicker, she passes out. On top of my. With me inside her. Now, before you say anything, not that I wouldn't enjoy the praise of it, she just overheated because it was hot as a ************ in that room. She also didn't climax once during the entire night, which she blames on nerves, which I believe, since I'd given her plenty before. That night was the only time she ever got me to cum. And it was only two times. This is six months into a one year relationship.

Yep. Pretty sad. Been a few years too...

 

[Black Arrow Officer]

While I was taking off my shirt (my girlfriend loves it when I do that) it got snagged on my chin just as she pounced on me. I was trying to fight her off so that I could fully remove it.

 

[Crimbo23]

How on earth do i delete?!

 

[smithy_2045]

Not exactly sex, but the closest I've been with a woman physically has been a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and I turn 22 this year.

 

[Brixton6]

I once had sex with a porpoise. Or was it a dolphin?
Eh, either way, one blow hole is the same as the next to me.
[sup][sup]Broken reference man awaaaaaaaaay![/sup][/sup]

I once kicked a raccoon's face straight up its body. What its face was doing on its body I had no idea. Faces should be covering heads! "You're a freak of nature!" I told him. I was doing him a favor. POW! Right back up. He flew the air and landed on Jesus' face. I didn't mean it to, but it was a cheeky bonus...a very cheeky bonus.

OT: I don't have any personally, but a friend of mine discovered her roommate was a lesbian when she walked in on her with another topless girl laying on top of her. She said they giggled at her as she slowly backed out of the room. Apparently what she saw terrified her so much that she didn't sleep that night. I didn't really understand why it was that big of a deal, but maybe that's because I'm a guy and would be content with staying in the room and watching.

 

[Mike Laserbeam]

I once impregnated a female and then made her get an abortion. WHOOPS.

Be my friend. Right now.

That is all.

 

[loc978]

I've been placed in the awkward situation of going down on a woman who really, really didn't know how to maintain herself down there. Amateur mistake, I know... but I tend to learn these things the hard way, and I was only 21.
I had no graceful withdrawal to make. I couldn't face her after I knew the horrors of what lurked in a place so similar to places I had found nothing but a wonderful playground in before. I fled.

Still, I've got nothin' on this guy [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaLcsKyGWpc#t=2m33s].

 

[Sexy Devil]

I don't think I have anything extraordinary. Just the usual drunken shenanigans.

Well, there was this one time I got drunk and allegedly made out with this girl I know for two hours straight (When someone told me this afterwards, I was baffled as I was convinced it was something like 10 minutes, max).
It culminated in an attempted fuck that was interrupted by some security guards or something knocking on our door.
Not that we were doing well to begin with, considering how drunk we both were.

I can't remember a lot of details from it.
I do remember, though, that I hadn't been anticipating getting any action, so I hadn't cut my nails or trimmed my pubes recently. I'm sort of hoping she doesn't remember much either.

Other than that? Hmm...
I once read on the internet that a decent way to measure your penis girth is to compare it to a toilet paper roll. As in the cardboard tube that the paper is fixed to; not the entire roll.
Allegedly, a penis of average girth fits very neatly inside a toilet paper roll.
I was all like "What? But those tubes are fairly roomy. There's no way my dick'd take up all that space. I need to investigate." So I went to the toilet and picked up an empty roll of toilet paper, promptly stuck my penis in there and started to conjure an erection.
To my surprise, it fit very tightly.
Then it sort of dawned on me that I was standing in the bathroom half naked, looking pleased, with a cardboard tube fixed to my erect member. The tube wasn't coming off either.
A few seconds after that realization struck me, the cardboard tube tore open and freed me.
Then I went on with my day.

Oh, and you're now going to wonder in the back of your head for the next while how your dick compares to a toilet paper roll. You're welcome.

I'm about ready to go get a toilet paper roll and find out if this is true. Thanks.

Progress report: Wow, didn't expect it to be such a tight fit. I'm average!

 

[Kathinka]

just heard a friend complain that when she had sex with a guy last night, that was so drunk he drew a line with his sperm on his forehead and whispered "simba!".

thought i'd share. xD

 

[Pfheonix]

I've been placed in the awkward situation of going down on a woman who really, really didn't know how to maintain herself down there. Amateur mistake, I know... but I tend to learn these things the hard way, and I was only 21.
I had no graceful withdrawal to make. I couldn't face her after I knew the horrors of what lurked in a place so similar to places I had found nothing but a wonderful playground in before. I fled.

Still, I've got nothin' on this guy [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaLcsKyGWpc#t=2m33s].

YOU BASTARD! I CAN'T BREATHE! God that was hilarious.

Edit: Ahem. The video. The other part, I feel for you.

 

[raklin]

I had sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation.

 

[Dann661]

I once had sex with a porpoise. Or was it a dolphin?
Eh, either way, one blow hole is the same as the next to me.
[sup][sup]Broken reference man awaaaaaaaaay![/sup][/sup]

another boosh fan! ah, so rare nowadays.

 

[Angry_squirrel]

About a year back I was doing the deed with my then-girlfriend, when the door was pushed open and her dog came in.
I wasn't comfortable with doing it with him in the room, so I got up to take him out, and he jumped up and bit me on the cock. Then she started laughing. It was embarrassing and really very painful