That second story is funny as fuck.freakydan said:I have a couple, both with the same girl.
First story:
First, my first time. Not hers, but mine. So I was giving her a ride home from my house, which is about a half hour drive. We'd been dating for about three months at this point, and I was ready to get beyond just groping. As we were passing the local CVS, she said "You know, we should probably keep some condoms on hand, just in case..." Me, being the calm, cool, collected guy I am, cut across a lane of traffic, cutting some very upset person off, just so I wouldn't miss the parking lot. I dashed in, like a kid at Christmas, and ran back to the condom aisle, took a moment to get over the initial shock of how many there were, and just grabbed a box. I paid for it, dashed back out, and quickly got back on the road. We got back to her room, spending the remaining 20 minutes in mostly silence. We got back, got into her room, and I was ready to just get down to it. She, on the other hand, stuck the box in her dresser, and said "We'll just leave these in here for when we need them." I moped to the bed, and sat down as she turned on the TV. Flipping through the channels, she kept trying to strike up a conversation, but all I could think of was "I just bought condoms. I'm supposed to be making the sex right now." More importantly, my dick was at attention, wondering when the fun was going to start. Finally, the gf settled on Scarface, since I'd told her it was pretty good, and she'd never seen it. So she laid down in bed and managed to get me in a horizontal position. I was watching the movie, and my mood started improving. Eventually, my train of thought went something like "Y'know, this is a pretty good movie. Al Pacino's a badass, can't beat the tacky shirts, they're running around with a chainsaw, I have a hand on my dick, Al Pacino's accent is pretty coo...wait...hand on my..." at which point, I glanced back to see her smiling at me. We commenced with the kissings, the gropings, the strokings, and finally, she told me to go get a condom. I jumped up, sprinted across the room, grabbed one out of her dresser, and dashed back, ripping open the wrapper, and putting it on. She positioned herself accordingly, as did I, and it happened.
Now, up to this point, she had sworn that she had been with two guys, and I had believed her. What it felt like, though, was that she made a habit out of being fisted by the Hulk. I continued though, getting no traction whatsoever, but I was playing the good sport, and she seemed to be enjoying herself.
Cut to an hour later. She's still having the time of her life, and can't believe I'm nowhere close to finishing. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it felt like I was thrusting into an oversized hole in the wall. Finally, I let out a grunt, tell her I just finished, then removed the condom and threw it away before she could investigate. I felt REALLY bad afterwards, since she was singing my praises, but I was getting seriously winded, and she wasn't all that interested in getting on top. And thus, Dan lost his virginity.
Funnier second story:
So, before we get to the funny, some not-so-funny backstory. The gf had been raped by her step father when she was younger, and was taking part in regular therapy sessions to get over it. I was sympathetic, and was always ready to throw on the breaks and come to a full stop at the first hint of tears, no matter what we were doing.
So one day, she said she was going to be having a therapy session, and it was going to be pretty intense, so she'd appreciate it if I could be around, and possibly even stay the night. I was cool with it, and I hung around while she was off at her session. When she finally got out, after a couple hours, she seemed pretty well put together. In fact, she walked in and immediately started kissing me. I resisted at first, thinking maybe she was just trying to compensate for the negative feelings of the session with some positive ones, but she was pretty insistant, so I cautiously proceeded, telling myself that I would follow her lead. I wouldn't push her at all for anything. Good move on my part, since she went from full on tongue wrestling, and she was winning, to end of the world kind of crying. I dutifly switched to the caring boyfriend and comforted her. She wanted to talk to her mother, so I ventured into the forbidden land of "the purse" got her cell phone, got her mom's number dialed, and handed it to her. After a bit of talking, she hung up, threw herself on me, and sobbed into my shoulder. I just listened to her pour her soul out. After a couple hours, she laid down and started drifting off. I asked if I could borrow a pillow so I could sleep on the floor, because I figured, after such a traumatic evening, the last thing she needed was a big guy like me draped over her while she slept. So I curled up on the floor, and after a while, slipped off to sleep.
Now, for the record, that WAS NOT meant to be funny. That was there so the next part would make sense.
I woke up the next morning, and didn't even open my eyes. I just laid there, and enjoyed how nice and soft the bed was. Then something clicked. I wasn't supposed to be in the bed. I was supposed to be on the floor. I sat bolt upright, looked around, and saw my gf at her computer.
"Oh," she said, without looking at me. "You're awake."
"Uh huh..." was all I could manage.
"Do you remember what you did last night?" Her voice was flat. I couldn't read anything in it. Was she angry? Sad? Upset?
"Um...nuh uh..." At this point, I realized, much to my dread, that I was not wearing my pants. I was ready to throw myself in front of an oncoming 18 wheeler.
She turned around, finally. "I woke you up at about 2 in the morning and told you to come to bed." Alright, well, I was seeming like less of an asshole. At least I had a reason to be in the bed.
"..Kay..."
"You got up and crawled into bed. By the time I got your pants off, you were already asleep."
"...Kay..." It was getting a bit clearer, though I still could remember a damn thing.
"I straddled you, and you didn't wake up. I shook you and told you that you were forgetting something."
"...Kay..." She was silent. "...Did I do something bad?"
She stood up and thrust a finger in my face. "You asshole! You pushed my horny ass off of you, got up, and picked up the goddamn pillow you borrowed, appologized, and went back to sleep!"
And that, fair audience, is how I cockblocked myself.
I think you win best story in the thread, that gave me a good laugh trying to imagine it.Kathinka said:just heard a friend complain that when she had sex with a guy last night, that was so drunk he drew a line with his sperm on his forehead and whispered "simba!".
thought i'd share. xD
15, surprisingly. i was kinda shaken for a day or two after.Bara_no_Hime said:Um... that's... kinda screwed up.Tom Milner said:i was 15. she was 31.
i don't think that would have worked. plus, i'm not one for adultery.
What's the age of consent in Bulgaria?
Ok then.game-lover said:Tell please! I've read this entire thread and I have it bookmarked. Believe me, I'm reading at least.
You sir, have just made this man's day today.freakydan said:Funnier second story:
So, before we get to the funny, some not-so-funny backstory. The gf had been raped by her step father when she was younger, and was taking part in regular therapy sessions to get over it. I was sympathetic, and was always ready to throw on the breaks and come to a full stop at the first hint of tears, no matter what we were doing.
So one day, she said she was going to be having a therapy session, and it was going to be pretty intense, so she'd appreciate it if I could be around, and possibly even stay the night. I was cool with it, and I hung around while she was off at her session. When she finally got out, after a couple hours, she seemed pretty well put together. In fact, she walked in and immediately started kissing me. I resisted at first, thinking maybe she was just trying to compensate for the negative feelings of the session with some positive ones, but she was pretty insistant, so I cautiously proceeded, telling myself that I would follow her lead. I wouldn't push her at all for anything. Good move on my part, since she went from full on tongue wrestling, and she was winning, to end of the world kind of crying. I dutifly switched to the caring boyfriend and comforted her. She wanted to talk to her mother, so I ventured into the forbidden land of "the purse" got her cell phone, got her mom's number dialed, and handed it to her. After a bit of talking, she hung up, threw herself on me, and sobbed into my shoulder. I just listened to her pour her soul out. After a couple hours, she laid down and started drifting off. I asked if I could borrow a pillow so I could sleep on the floor, because I figured, after such a traumatic evening, the last thing she needed was a big guy like me draped over her while she slept. So I curled up on the floor, and after a while, slipped off to sleep.
Now, for the record, that WAS NOT meant to be funny. That was there so the next part would make sense.
I woke up the next morning, and didn't even open my eyes. I just laid there, and enjoyed how nice and soft the bed was. Then something clicked. I wasn't supposed to be in the bed. I was supposed to be on the floor. I sat bolt upright, looked around, and saw my gf at her computer.
"Oh," she said, without looking at me. "You're awake."
"Uh huh..." was all I could manage.
"Do you remember what you did last night?" Her voice was flat. I couldn't read anything in it. Was she angry? Sad? Upset?
"Um...nuh uh..." At this point, I realized, much to my dread, that I was not wearing my pants. I was ready to throw myself in front of an oncoming 18 wheeler.
She turned around, finally. "I woke you up at about 2 in the morning and told you to come to bed." Alright, well, I was seeming like less of an asshole. At least I had a reason to be in the bed.
"..Kay..."
"You got up and crawled into bed. By the time I got your pants off, you were already asleep."
"...Kay..." It was getting a bit clearer, though I still could remember a damn thing.
"I straddled you, and you didn't wake up. I shook you and told you that you were forgetting something."
"...Kay..." She was silent. "...Did I do something bad?"
She stood up and thrust a finger in my face. "You asshole! You pushed my horny ass off of you, got up, and picked up the goddamn pillow you borrowed, appologized, and went back to sleep!"
And that, fair audience, is how I cockblocked myself.
Oh.Tom Milner said:15, surprisingly. i was kinda shaken for a day or two after.Bara_no_Hime said:Um... that's... kinda screwed up.Tom Milner said:i was 15. she was 31.
i don't think that would have worked. plus, i'm not one for adultery.
What's the age of consent in Bulgaria?
^^ I love how we've totally corrupted you. You were all "oh no, I can't look away" earlier, and now you're like "more pleaz!"game-lover said:Tell please! I've read this entire thread and I have it bookmarked. Believe me, I'm reading at least.
Cheers dudesky14kemea said:Don't worry, I'll do it.Crimbo23 said:How on earth do i delete?!
Next time, edit your posts saying "Please delete" and report them. =P
LOL... *blush* It's a little entertaining... I guess that's why I clicked in the first place.Bara_no_Hime said:^^ I love how we've totally corrupted you. You were all "oh no, I can't look away" earlier, and now you're like "more pleaz!"game-lover said:Tell please! I've read this entire thread and I have it bookmarked. Believe me, I'm reading at least.
I am proud to have been a part of it. I hope you're enjoying yourself.
Heh heh. "Rimshot".Matthew94 said:EDIT You could say it is still of topic as we are talking about wood...
*rimshot*