Let's see. Who would I go Red Lantern for?
1. Cersei Lannister, Joffrey and Robert Baratheon come to mind. Cersei needs no introduction, neither does Joff, and Bob here is such a complete and utter idiot for not realizing that his own wife was busy trying to backstab him thirty-six ways to Sunday.
"Yeah, you're right... The kid doesn't look much like me... Fuck it, who gives a shit? I'ma go hunt and stuff my face some more and generally land ribald comments that make my closest friend wonder what the flying fuck I'm doing on that throne. YOLO and forsooth and all that, eh wot?
Oh, fuck. I'm dead. Why don't you look into all this for me, Ned, ol' buddy ol' pal?"
2. Calvin Candie from Django Unchained. Kudos to Dicaprio for playing such an utter douchenozzle and having so much fun with it. Guy made me want to jab about twenty black male sexual organs down his deep South, so to speak. Django himself gets a special mention, for being able to reliably act like an utter tool to the same people you'd expect he would've ended up inspiring. As this was a Tarantino movie and not a Steven Spielberg production, no good feels would be had for the African Americans of this production. Ergo, even Django Freeman has a few dickish points in my book.
3. GLaDOS and Handsome Jack. I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO ENJOY BEING THE TARGET OF DERISIVE REMARKS AIMED BY MY INTELLECT OR MY WAISTLINE! I mean, goddamnit. I'd want to brofist Jack just so I could then shift my grip and turn it into an arm-ripping move à la Mortal Kombat. I would then proceed to fuck his face in with his own severed appendage precisely because he's a badass antagonist. Same with GLaDOS, but my display of devotion would involve flooding her metaphorical chambers with metaphorical deadly neurotoxin.
I mean a virus.
4. Wheatley. Same reasons. You gigantic, adorable, mentally challenged, hilarious, despicable, deplorable asshole. I hope Chell gets to back you up onto something shitty like a potato-powered hard drive, post-game, and subject you to hours upon hours of awful amateur porn. You deserve to be preserved, but you also deserve to suffer.
5. Cicero, from Skyrim. The guy never shuts up. He. Never. Shuts. Up. That and his creepy devotion to the Night Mother probably inspired one or two highly disturbing Rule 34 images, because people are sick and enjoy catering to other sick people. Also, I totally never honestly checked out Paheal to get some of my childhood memories violently obliterated. Never. For reals.
I'm just amazed by how a morbid loony bin case like him actually is classified by the game as a stealthy type. How does that even work? How can you be stealthy when you belt out the kind of ditty that would make the Cryptkeeper squeal in glee every five seconds?!
6. The Adoring Fan, from Oblivion. By Azura, by Azura, by Azura, by Azura, by Azura; I seriously hope you'll make a handy-dandy pilgrimage to the top of White-Gold Tower and see if you can fly on your own. Because the Grand Champion can totally do that. It's called noclip mode.
Oh, what? You can't? You're dead? Well, shit. I'm so not sorry.
7. Every advisor from every SimCity game ever. Yes, mister Someone McFinances, I'm well aware that I'm on my third bond and that things are spiralling out of control. Yes, I know I suck. No. I won't keep this town anyway, so I don't give a flying fuck.
As for you, mister Zoning O'Construction Hat from the latest game - I know I'm out of space. I know you want more medium-density residential areas, but what part of the sentence 'I'm full up, yo' remains out of your grasp? Please let me know, I'll be sure to rectify that. Preferrably with a fist of mine, shoved down your throat-hole.
8. Sam B., from Dead Island, for giving us the Grammy-nominated hit which was "Who Do You Voodoo, *****?". Hey, Deep Silver? MOAR STEREOTYPES. This is totally what this franchise needs and-
Oh. You added an Aussie. An Aussie that punches zombies in the face. Right. Okay, you're dead to me.
9. HK-47. You're awesome and I love you, but I also want to reformat your positronic brain or whatever it is you have, because I can't play Dark Side to save my life and you're not really willing to go the extra mile to help me out. You're like an amusing and less irritating version of Zaeed Massani from Mass Effect 2.
Seriously, fuck this guy.
My Shepard: "Hey, let's be responsible here, this is a volatile factory. Innocents could-
Zaeed: "FUCK YOU VIDO OR VIGGO OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME WAS, DAKKA-DAKKA-DAKKA!"
My Shepard, offscreen: "Could you accidentally land a headshot in this tool's head for me, Garrus? Thanks."
10. Bowser. Because his lack of self-esteem makes him think it's fine for him to stick in the realm of poorly thought-out antagonistic devices for the better part of thirty years. When he's not playing soccer or driving go-karts around. Or playing tennis. Or golf.
You look badass, Bowser Koopa, but you're honestly not reinforcing that badassitude with acts of equal strength.