Girlfriend Advice, Important to Me

[newfoundsky]

I'm a young man, just 17 years old. I was dating a girl (16 years old) for about eight months. We then suddenly broke up, and this wrecked me emotionally, because I was and am (more on that later) deeply in love with her.

The break up was sudden, neither of us wanted it, and I was the one who did the "breaking" up.

During our time apart, I took to various emotional crutches, from smoking cigarettes to other less legal things. Well one particularly bad day I went and lost my virginity in meaningless sex with a girl I didn't have any feelings for whatsoever.

In a strange twist of irony the very next day me and my girlfriend get back together. She has been fine with all of the crutches except the sex. She has specified that:

1. She is not angry I had sex, just incredibly hurt because that was supposed to be something special that me and her shared together.

2. She can not simply ignore that it happened.

3. She loves me and is not going to break up with me again, even over the sex.

I feel miserable about the whole situation, and I know that while this is not going to ruin our relationship, it does cause her intense unhappiness and I hate that.

I want to do something to make her feel at least a tiny bit better. I know I can't completely fix it, but I know I can find a way to ease her pain. What can I do?

 

[DefunctTheory]

I'm afraid that what we have here is, plain and simple, the very definition of High School drama.

Both you and your girlfriend need to get over this. Virginity is not some sacred gift, its merely an empty vessel in your mind. You don't lose it, you just start to fill it up.

As for yourself, you need to learn how to be emotionally stable. Yes, breaking up is hard for everyone, but beginning to smoke and doing illegal drugs because of a break up is one of the most immature things I've ever heard. I understand you're still in High School, but you wont be for much longer. And I find it hard to believe you are 'deeply' in love in your emotional and mental stage of development.

But, that's all for another time. Back to the question at hand. How to cheer up a girlfriend.

This is surprisingly easy when you remember a few things. At least one of which a female (Aylaine) will most likely get fidgety. They may eKick me in the jewels.

1. Women are, from a certain stand point, shallow. How else would flowers and jewelry work? Fundamentally worthless gifts are a staple of courting females for one reason: though, in reality, such gifts are nothing more then pretty trinkets, females can, and frequently will, attach meaning to precious metals and dieing shrubbery.

Use it to your advantage. Get her a gift, research its particular bullshit meaning, and present it. It works remarkably well for the small stuff.

Keep in mind, most women are not particularly knowledgeable of the 'deeper' meaning of things. Don't go reaching back to the 12 century for ideas.

2. Presentation. For the most part, its just an extension of being shallow, like the previously mentioned 'bullshit meaning.' But, for this, we will discuss the presentation of events. Dates and the like.

Pick a pretty place, take her out to a fancy dinner, light her romantic candles: again, shallow gestures that, for the most part, work spectacularly well.

3. Suck up. I don't think I need to discuss this.

Using these three, you should be able to recover from most fuck ups you may incur against the opposite sex.

I would like to state something though, so some people (Aylaine) don't kick me: Women are not, in themselves, shallow. They merely have a weakness for inherently shallow things.

As for the specifics of how to make up to your girl, that's up to you. We don't know her.

 

[Paksenarrion]

Well, in order to keep your "perfection" mindset, you'll need a time machine in order to unf#ck yourself.

Or, I don't know...make it up to her in some way that's loving and affectionate.

It depends on how much time, money, and effort you're willing to spend.

If you love her, go for the time machine.

 

[similar.squirrel]

Gifts, I suppose. Appeal to the magpie that lurks between the two X chromosomes. Also, stop smoking if you have not done so already.
Edit: You were going through a hard time, and I'm sure she realizes that. It's absurd to treat your virginity as something sacred; if anything, she'll be glad that you've had practice when you two eventually decide to do the Act Itself. It's not a big deal. Just because it's not your first time doesn't mean that it will make it any less special for her.

 

[SiskoBlue]

?? You never explain WHY you had to break up if neither of you wanted to. You obviously had some reason.

A few things you can do. In her mind, regardless of what you've probably told her, she has an image of you having sex with this other women. It'll be nothing like it actually was. The best thing to do is present it as a terrible terrible experience, like a bad dream you barely remember (I'm assuming if you're smoking and doing other stuff you were probably drunk or high at the time). The first rule is ONLY MENTION THIS EVENT IF SHE BRINGS IT UP. It's one thing is she keeps rubbing salt in her wound. It's a different one if you do it. So if she mentions it, say it's all a blur, wished it never happened, and then drop it.

Sex is important, but it really, really, REALLY, isn't that big a deal. Especially as you get older. My concern is that she'll use this as a WMD in the relationship. Believe me, people do this and it's not good. Everytime you have an argument she'll mention how you betrayed her by losing you're virginity to someone else. It's the battle for morale superperiority and lots of couple's do it. Whose the one who has been most hard done by. Whose sacrificed the most in the relationship. This stuff is common and it's the death knell of a relationship. Whose the victim. If you're treating your relationship like a battlefield and trying to score points then that's not a healthy relationship. Of course this might be the case with your girlfriend but the statement "She can't ignore that it's happened", suggests a very forgive-but-won't-forget mindset. That's not good.

Lastly, there's a flaw in your statements. You broke up, presumably you thought it was forever. Therefore this statement doesn't make sense "1. She is not angry I had sex, just incredibly hurt because that was supposed to be something special that me and her shared together."

How come she was holding the expectation you'd lose your virginity together if you'd broken up? When you got back together did you tell her straight away or did you wait a few weeks, months, before telling her AFTER she'd formed this idea you were going to share the experience?

Either way, you did something you regret. But you were single, so it's got nothing to do with her. If she's hurt by that now then it's something she'll have to deal with. There's a deeper issue about why you broke up in the first place though. You broke up with her. Now you're back together and she's holding this guilt over your head....

It's high school. You'll probably break up again. This time you won't be so emotionally wounded by it and all of this will be an anecdote for your next date.

Good luck.

 

[Aurgelmir]

1. She is not angry I had sex, just incredibly hurt because that was supposed to be something special that me and her shared together.

2. She can not simply ignore that it happened.

3. She loves me and is not going to break up with me again, even over the sex.

1. So first of all, and you never mentioned this but I will, your girlfriend acts like you cheated on her. Which you didn't "you were on a break" to quote the TV Show Friends.

For all you knew at that moment you was never ever neverever going to date your girlfriend again, so why should you have been "saving" yourself for her? Besides its just sex...
Not that logic will help you.

2. She is not angry, but she can't ignore it? Sounds angry to me. Or she at least doing some form of emotional blackmail... shame on her.

3. She is not going to break up with you again? Well it was you who did the breaking up the first time... which makes this whole situation a bit confusing, since I don't know why you felt the need to break up with her.


So since I feel I am missing some information I don't really know what to say... other than it seems your girlfriend is using this situation to make you feel bad for doing something which she had no say in at the moment.

Though I do think that you should try and work past this girl, and let the next one come. You're high school girlfriend will never last anyways... yeah the sad truth.

 

[Antwerp Caveman]

Did she leave you? Or did you leave her? If she left you suddenly, than all bets are off. She LEFT. That means all rights are forfitted. Especially the Sex parts.

If you left her, your background with her and the principles on which your relations are built might be different.
Also consider that maybe not-having-sex was part of the break-up.

 

[newfoundsky]

snip

This helped, thank you. She realizes that it was a mistake and we've been a lot better the past couple of days (I explained it as such beforehand, but its still much appreciated).

Again, thanks guys.

 

[TheMatsjo]

You guys'll be fine. Virginity is overrated. Yes it will sting for a little while but as long as you're honest and let her know that she's the one you really really care about that's all you can do at this point.

You're both more than your sexual inexperience.

Have fun!
Matsjo

PS: woops a bit behind the curve but oh well. Good to read it's looking up.