"Girlfriend says she's fat" dilemma

[Ando85]

I've never really seen a clear cut solution to this problem. If your girlfriend isn't actually fat and says she is it seems she just has a skewed body image and you can feel fine just saying she isn't and move on. But, what if your girlfriend actually is overweight or obese and furthermore very sensitive and insecure about it? This is my situation and usually what I do when it happens is say "nah" then try to change the subject.

I do notice that she finds ways to sort of jokingly accuse me of implying that she is fat when I had no intention to. I don't really take it seriously, but I do know there is always a bit of seriousness to jokes. For example one time I was walking down an aisle in a store and we walked by a large screen TV as a commercial with an elephant walking by was playing (she loves elephants). I pointed it out to her and by the time she turned it was over. She then tried to say I was implying that her reflection passed by the screen as she walked by and I was calling her an elephant. Another example involved her intentionally and playfully stepping on my foot. I said "ouch" and of course this lead to her thinking I was trying to imply she was fat and that is why it hurt.

From what I have observed I can kind of expect her reaction to some of the reassuring comments I have heard one should make. No matter what she can skew it around. "Curvy" is just a euphemism for fat. I like you just the way you are implies that she is fat. Preferring her over overly skinny girls implies she is fat. One time she even mentioned that she was going to start dieting and exercising. I encouraged her due to its health benefits and of course that means I think she is fat and needs to diet and exercise. So I know an even worse reaction would happen if I was more straightforward with her and said something like "If you don't like your body, do something about it".

I feel like I don't really have a good solution to this problem other than just trying to avoid it altogether. I know oftentimes when girls say this they are fishing for compliments and one should not play their game. I avoid it as even compliments might be turned against me. Usually I'm successful in changing the subject, but I still don't like having to basically lie to her. She does have some health problems that would improve if she did lose weight and I think it would improve her health both physically and mentally if she did. I would like to encourage her in any way possible but of course that is even turned against me.

I know this is not too uncommon of a problem. So what are your thoughts on the subject?

 

[DrownedAmmet]

I've usually just clammed up in the past, afraid to say anything to make her mad but also not wanting to lie, so I'd either just say nothing or ramble on so much that she had no idea how I felt.

I once told a girl that if she was really fat I wouldn't be dating her in the first place, which didn't work well, either, surprisingly.

The tough part is you are in kind of a powerless situation, the best you can do is offer encouragement. The vast majority of people I know who lost a lot of weight did it for themselves mainly. She has to get in the ring and fight, but you can be her coach, always there with a towel and telling her to keep up the fight

 

[Albino Boo]

Tell her that no one wrote a song about a small arse and she has choice. She can try and look a like semi articulated skeleton or she can have large numbers of men thinking to themselves nice arse. Tell she has great pair of tits and a nice round arse, which men want and stop trying appear like what a gay fashion designer thinks a woman should look like.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Maybe instead of pretending you don't think she's fat when you clearly do, why don't you try reassuring her that fat people are beautiful, valuable, and no lesser than anyone else. Tell her that you love her for her, no matter what size she is. Might it be turned against you? Maybe. But it sounds like you both know that she is overweight, and the sooner she learns it is nothing to be ashamed of, the sooner she can feel comfortable in her own skin, even lose weight if that's what she wants. Half-assedly pretending you don't think she's fat when you very clearly do is probably very hurtful for her.

Maybe try listening and consider her feelings instead of feeling sorry for yourself for how everything is "turned against" you. If you can't honestly tell her she is beautiful you should probably end the relationship and let her find someone who values her, instead of demolishing what little self esteem she has with transparent lies.

 

[JaKandDaxter]

Usually getting to the root cause of why she's so sensitive about her weight would be a good start. But unlike some weight sensitive cases, she's actually looking for conflict at any given moment. So you have to ask yourself if this a relationship you want to continue with. Because it isn't a healthy one to be in if you can't be honest and open with your lover. And she purposely looks for a problem to put herself over you.

I can see that you genuinely care about her, and God see's your heart and intentions with how you speak to her. But a relationship where someone is looking to start an argument, signifies deeper issues than just her weight. One's that you cannot change either. She perhaps loves to feel on top and have power over you; by making you feel guilty and submiting to her demands. So I suggest you think long and hard if you can see yourself being in a happy marriage with this woman. Knowing that she may not change 10+ years from now.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

snip

That's a tough situation, it sucks that you seem to be in a lose/lose scenario.
Unfortunately her weight is her own issue and that's something she's going to have to come to terms with, you can't fix somebody's insecurity for them, she has to want to fix it for herself.

Being a female of a not model perfect body type, I've thought about my weight from time to time and I used to be pretty self conscious, but I've been with a fantastic guy who loves me and I've never complained about my weight in front of him or really at all anymore because I realize if he cared about petty things like that, he wouldn't be with me. If I take on an endeavor, whether that be to lose weight, get healthy, draw more or whatever it happens to be, he's very supportive and that's really all you can do, support her decisions, whether it's to lose weight or not.

You can try to sit down and have this conversation with her, that you care for her and support her and want her to feel good about herself no matter what she chooses to do. It's a heavy topic but don't be afraid to have these talks, they won't necessarily damage your relationship, they could even bring you closer together and since this is something that's bothering you so much, definitely don't ignore it and let it fester, that only breeds resentment and it WILL hurt your relationship, I learned that the hard way. If you do decide to talk about it, make sure to convey how you feel, rather than using accusatory language or putting her on the defensive.

In the end however, if she cannot overcome her insecurity, it will be up to you to decide how long you want to progress with the relationship, if there's something here that's not working for you, whether it's actually her weight, her insecurity associated with her weight or whatever other reason, it's better to leave than stay and try to force her to change or make yourself miserable.

 

[Jute88]

"Do I think you have some extra weight? Yes. Do I think you should do something about it? Yes. Am I forcing you to lose weight? No, That's completely up to you. I love you, otherwise I wouldn't be with you. But please, stop taking every little word as an insult or a fat joke. That just makes you sound like you want to be a martyr and suffer because 'woe is me!'"

How would she react to that?

 

[cdfgku]

I've had similar conversations like this in the past so I feel your pain. I'd suggest waiting until next time she brings it up saying that she is fat or wants to lose weight. Tell her that you love her as she is, but if she wants to try and lose weight then you would be happy to support her in whatever she needs. Suggest joining a gym, or going to some classes together (pilates, yoga, I'd suggest something small and usually female dominated so she won't feel too self conscious being in a room full of strangers). Offer to start learning some new recipes that are healthy but still nice.

If she wants to turn this around and say you are calling her fat, remind her that she actually called herself fat. You are merely offering to support her if she wants to lose weight.

If she still wants to be angry at you for it and not talk to you, then I'd say you just need to let her work out her anger. If she wants to not talk to you for a while then let her not talk to you for a while. In the meantime find a small pilates class yourself and join. Then when she calms down claim that you fancied losing some weight too, or wanted to improve your core strength, and tell her how much you enjoy the class and invite her to come too.

This is how I would deal with it if it was my partner, but obviously everyone is different so you may need to adapt this accordingly.

Good luck to you.

 

[vare]

Gf usually don't have that much issue with her looks, even though she is a bit on the chubby side, but whenever she brings up her body or size or whatever, I usually just go for the starstruck look and say "I think you are beautiful".
If she asks what exactly is beautiful about her, be sure to have a list prepared (in your head...)
Like, gf have some issues about her arms (thick, but she wants them to be muscular) and her face (she thinks her eyes are too small and her cheeks are too big) etc., so I always ensure to say that I love her face (and kiss it), that I love her arms (and kiss them), but also a bunch of 'safe' options, things that I know that she like about herself, and things she knows that I love about her: hair, bosom, hips, her back and so on.

Also, like [user]Eclipse Dragon[/user] wrote, communication and support is the key.

 

[SummerHaze]

if she actually fat then advise to go to gym with you or make such present for her, but never never say agree with her that she is fat