Girls and Pity

Specter_

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Arrers said:
Optimus Prime said:
Always hugging you. 'Tis a sure sign.
What? I thought that was just somethng all girls did.

Thanks for making me realise that every girl I've ever known feels sorry for me.
Life sucks, get over it.

On the other hand, I get hugged a lot as well and I know for sure it's not pity. To be more precise, it's an easy and inconspicuous (sp?) way to grab my butt :D
 

curlycrouton

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Excuse me, am I missing out on something here? It's just a hug people, get over it. It worries me that you seem to be obsessing so much over such a simple thing as a hug, which from my experience is a perfectly normal interaction between friends and happens all the bloody time (although probably more between the opposite sex if I'm honest). Trying to form a relationship with someone just because of a hug probably isn't healthy.
 

Larenxis

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Okay, so maybe I only read the first and last page, but don't ask her why she started talking to you. Just roll with it. Talk to her more (in a short period of time), don't try to hide that you like her, and find out some interest you have in common. If she wants to see some movie or concert or go to some protest offer to take her (the last courtship I was in started when he asked if I wanted to meet at a coffee shop and work on a script). Be ready for rejection in case you misread the signs, but the rewards seem to outweigh the risks in this situation.

When it comes to hugging and saying hi to people that aren't terribly popular, I do that a lot. Mostly 'cause they're just cool people, not out of pity. But those hugs are more like how one hugs their mother. It's really tricky to calculate. A better sign of a girl liking you is if they ditch other people or something else they're interested in just to be with you.
 

Meta Like That

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Larenxis said:
A better sign of a girl liking you is if they ditch other people or something else they're interested in just to be with you.
I've known girls to do this when they really weren't interested in the guy, aka, the pity thing.
 

Seldon2639

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Meta Like That said:
Seldon2639 said:
No matter her reason, asking won't help you. If she likes you as a friend, you display your paranoia for all to see (something best saved for when you're really good friends with someone, 'cause then they might actually try to reassure you, but only if there's an emotional resonance). If she really is pitying you, not only to you get the "well, I like to be nice to people" thing, but you also look either presumptuous, or paranoid, neither of which are good.

Remember Jonathan Coulton at times like these:

"What if the best that I can be just isn't good enough?
Isn't it better not to know?"
It's not paranoia, it's genuine curiosity. Girls play mind games, this is no secret. As long as he doesn't put his finger in her face, asking "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!", he'll get that point across. Last thing a guy needs is to get dicked around by girls.

Then again, it is a helpful life experience.
I can only speak from my own experiences, but it's not helpful in the least. Let's pretend for a moment that he isn't being dicked around. Call me crazy, but I've only rarely been manipulated or had mind-games played with me. I think a lot of what we see as mind games is really just when what we interpret (or even hope for) isn't reflected in reality. If she was never showing him more than a normal level of affection, but he came to the wrong conclusion (as he seems to have) it's not a mind game, it's just being wrong.

So, let's pretend she isn't actively trying to jerk him around. What does he gain from the asking? If she already likes him, all it could do is push her away. If she doesn't like him, all he learns is that she doesn't like him. He won't learn anything about girls in general (or, if he does, it'll be an example of a posteriori logic gone wrong). I've known a lot of girls, and the only solid conclusion I've arrived at is that no two have similar diagnostic criteria for whether they "like" someone (unless they're very obvious about it).
 

Meta Like That

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Seldon2639 said:
I can only speak from my own experiences, but it's not helpful in the least. Let's pretend for a moment that he isn't being dicked around. Call me crazy, but I've only rarely been manipulated or had mind-games played with me. I think a lot of what we see as mind games is really just when what we interpret (or even hope for) isn't reflected in reality. If she was never showing him more than a normal level of affection, but he came to the wrong conclusion (as he seems to have) it's not a mind game, it's just being wrong.

So, let's pretend she isn't actively trying to jerk him around. What does he gain from the asking? If she already likes him, all it could do is push her away. If she doesn't like him, all he learns is that she doesn't like him. He won't learn anything about girls in general (or, if he does, it'll be an example of a posteriori logic gone wrong). I've known a lot of girls, and the only solid conclusion I've arrived at is that no two have similar diagnostic criteria for whether they "like" someone (unless they're very obvious about it).
What conclusion? The reason he wants to ask is so he can get closure. As other people have said, "normal" levels of affection are subjective.

It won't push her away if he's tactful about it. I'm more for bringing it up in casual conversation, but if they're in different social groups and are still on acquaintance terms, there's really no other way around it.

If all goes well and she's honest, she'll tell him why she started talking to him, out of the blue. Not 'cause she liked the study group they did together, or because of his witty comments during class/lunch. Why out of the blue. And she'll accept that he was just curious.

If she thinks he's a douche for asking, then that's her problem. They run with different people. They don't have to see each other all day.
 

Bulletinmybrain

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Meta Like That said:
I think you're forgetting how powerful the male libido is at that stage... and that he has 3 more years of high school BS. Acting natural around girls is harder than it sounds, but it can be done.
Its called STFU, because as soon as you open your mouth, you have lost the game.
 

Murrah

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In my opinion as a female, I hug loads of people, it doesn't matter who they are *Unless if a person has Bad odor* I'll hug them.

Ooh! I like hugging girls aswell because we can have a 'booby fight'!
 

TheRightToArmBears

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I get pity from time to time, but it's not because I'm a no-hoper, its because I'm unbelieviably messed up. Thats quite uncomparable.
 

Bulletinmybrain

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hungoverbear said:
my opinion, dont worry about it, the more you dwell on it the worse your gonna feel.
Maybe if life fucked him over once, he would learn to just give life the finger, and go about his life for himself, not the fears society places in him.
 

maximilian

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Unfortunately, the way most girls (especially beautiful ones) are wired is to go for the guys who are most unattainable or do not give them the attention other guys do. This is based on the psychology of masculinity or security. Similarly, by making yourself stand out or appear impervious to their attractive qualities, you're presenting yourself as both a challenge and as unique in your security. If you're fawning, you're going to place yourself at an inherently lower status than her and push yourself into friend territory. The catch is, once you start going out with her you have to drop parts of the "tough guy" thing and support her emotionally. Ah, the complexities of love.

Of course, people will disagree based on a. what girls are like and b. pure disbelief, but read any psychology on attraction and you'll see what I mean. Similarly, it worked for me.

Very rarely do nice guys ever get the girl. I feel happy for you if you prove me wrong.
 

hungoverbear

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Bulletinmybrain said:
hungoverbear said:
my opinion, dont worry about it, the more you dwell on it the worse your gonna feel.
Maybe if life fucked him over once, he would learn to just give life the finger, and go about his life for himself, not the fears society places in him.
and to you I raise my glass. Your right, i mean these kids (if your younger than 18 to me you are still a kid) seem to dwell too much about what the opposite sex thinks of them, and not enough on lifes REAL issues.