Greatest Quotes Ever
- Thread starter PurpleRain
- Start date
some funnier ones I ran into
Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.
Yogi Berra
The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
Yogi Berra
We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.
Lily Tomlin
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
Lily Tomlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield
Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.
Yogi Berra
The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
Yogi Berra
We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.
Lily Tomlin
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
Lily Tomlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield
"If you truly believe you need to pick a mobile phone that "says something" about your personality, don't bother. You don't have a personality. A mental illness, maybe - but not a personality."
- Charlie Brooker
"Man, I'm sick of following my dreams. I just want to find out where they're going and meet up with them later."
- the late, great Mitch Hedberg
- Charlie Brooker
"Man, I'm sick of following my dreams. I just want to find out where they're going and meet up with them later."
- the late, great Mitch Hedberg
"Cutting or shooting people in pieces is defiantly one of my strong sides as a director."
"We are doing the biggest massacre in the movie right now, so we have five knights in this monastery in Romania right now and a huge battle with like one shot after another where people get killed or cut and half and stuff."
"Why? I always wanted to f*** Jennifer Aniston. Now is the chance - hopefully - maybe."
"We have a hot sex scene."
All of the above said by Uwe Boll on the commentary of the Alone in the Dark movie (special thanks to spoonyexperiment.com for the insights).
"We are doing the biggest massacre in the movie right now, so we have five knights in this monastery in Romania right now and a huge battle with like one shot after another where people get killed or cut and half and stuff."
"Why? I always wanted to f*** Jennifer Aniston. Now is the chance - hopefully - maybe."
"We have a hot sex scene."
All of the above said by Uwe Boll on the commentary of the Alone in the Dark movie (special thanks to spoonyexperiment.com for the insights).
"To go wrong in one's own way is better than to go right in someone else's."--Crime and Punishment
"...No battle is ever won...They are not even fought. The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools."--The Sound and the Fury.
"We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents."--Bob Ross
"You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers. Damn anthropologists"--Emo Philips
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."--Emo Philips
Sorry if any of those were already posted.
"...No battle is ever won...They are not even fought. The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools."--The Sound and the Fury.
"We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents."--Bob Ross
"You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers. Damn anthropologists"--Emo Philips
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."--Emo Philips
Sorry if any of those were already posted.
John: He has a knife!
Eleanor: Of course he has a knife. He always has a knife. We all have knives. It's 1186 and we're barbarians.
-- from James Goldman's _The Lion in Winter_
The universe is not only stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine.
-- J.B.S. Haldane
"What's SIMUVAC stand for?"
"Short for Simulated Evacuation. It's a new state program they're still battling over funds for."
"But this evacuation isn't simulated. It's real."
"We know that, but we thought we could use it as a model...There's a probability excess, plus which we don't have our victims laid out where we'd want them if this was an actual simulation. In other words, we're forced to take our victims as we find them....You have to make allowances for the fact that everything we see tonight is real."
-- from Don DeLillo's _White Noise_
Eleanor: Of course he has a knife. He always has a knife. We all have knives. It's 1186 and we're barbarians.
-- from James Goldman's _The Lion in Winter_
The universe is not only stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine.
-- J.B.S. Haldane
"What's SIMUVAC stand for?"
"Short for Simulated Evacuation. It's a new state program they're still battling over funds for."
"But this evacuation isn't simulated. It's real."
"We know that, but we thought we could use it as a model...There's a probability excess, plus which we don't have our victims laid out where we'd want them if this was an actual simulation. In other words, we're forced to take our victims as we find them....You have to make allowances for the fact that everything we see tonight is real."
-- from Don DeLillo's _White Noise_
Hunter S. Thompson:
"Going to trial with a lawyer who considers your whole life-style a Crime in Progress is not a happy prospect."
"I have spent half my life trying to get away from journalism, but I am still mired in it — a low trade and a habit worse than heroin, a strange seedy world full of misfits and drunkards and failures."
Too weird to live, too rare to die
"I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours."
"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."
______________________________________________________________________________________
The problem with the world is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
The words 'I think' are generally followed by something very, very stupid.
I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are
The glass isn't half empty. It isn't half full. It's just twice the size it should be.
"Going to trial with a lawyer who considers your whole life-style a Crime in Progress is not a happy prospect."
"I have spent half my life trying to get away from journalism, but I am still mired in it — a low trade and a habit worse than heroin, a strange seedy world full of misfits and drunkards and failures."
Too weird to live, too rare to die
"I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours."
"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."
______________________________________________________________________________________
The problem with the world is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
The words 'I think' are generally followed by something very, very stupid.
I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are
The glass isn't half empty. It isn't half full. It's just twice the size it should be.
Damon Hill on Michael Schumacher: "Make no mistake, behind that cold, cruel and calculating Germanic exterior... there beats a heart of Stone"
This thread needs more comic books...
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From Sandman (so much choice of quotes):
Delerium: His madness... His madness keeps him sane.
Dream: And do you think he is the only one, my sister?
All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories -- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death. (narrative)
Lucifer: They also held that the way to salvation was to give way to lust and temptation in all things. And no greater percentage of them turned up here than of any other religion. Amusing, isn't it?
Dream: It is a fool's prerogative to utter truths that no one else will speak.
Norton I: I am pleased to see that you are healthy.
King Pain: Healthy? I'm dead, Norton. You ever swallowed aconite? You don't get up and walk away again.
Norton I: I must confess, I have always wondered what lay beyond life, my dear.
Death: Yeah, everybody wonders. And sooner or later everybody gets to find out.
Death: They say that the world rests on the backs of 36 living saints - 36 unselfish men and women. Because of them the world continues to exist. They are the secret kings and queens of this world.
Fiddler's Green: There's a few thousand square miles of central Australia, a couple of Pacific islands, a field in Ireland, an occasional mountain in Arizona...
Rustichello: An occasional mountain?
Fiddler's Green: It's not a very big mountain, but it's only there occasionally.
Barbara: The service drones to its end. I realize that I'm already beginning to forget what Wanda looked like. Is identity that fragile? The thought scares me.
Death: Gets me down, too. Mostly they aren?t too keen to see me. They fear the sunless lands. But they enter your realm each night without fear.
Dream: And I am far more terrible than you, my sister.
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From Sandman (so much choice of quotes):
Delerium: His madness... His madness keeps him sane.
Dream: And do you think he is the only one, my sister?
All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories -- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death. (narrative)
Lucifer: They also held that the way to salvation was to give way to lust and temptation in all things. And no greater percentage of them turned up here than of any other religion. Amusing, isn't it?
Dream: It is a fool's prerogative to utter truths that no one else will speak.
Norton I: I am pleased to see that you are healthy.
King Pain: Healthy? I'm dead, Norton. You ever swallowed aconite? You don't get up and walk away again.
Norton I: I must confess, I have always wondered what lay beyond life, my dear.
Death: Yeah, everybody wonders. And sooner or later everybody gets to find out.
Death: They say that the world rests on the backs of 36 living saints - 36 unselfish men and women. Because of them the world continues to exist. They are the secret kings and queens of this world.
Fiddler's Green: There's a few thousand square miles of central Australia, a couple of Pacific islands, a field in Ireland, an occasional mountain in Arizona...
Rustichello: An occasional mountain?
Fiddler's Green: It's not a very big mountain, but it's only there occasionally.
Barbara: The service drones to its end. I realize that I'm already beginning to forget what Wanda looked like. Is identity that fragile? The thought scares me.
Death: Gets me down, too. Mostly they aren?t too keen to see me. They fear the sunless lands. But they enter your realm each night without fear.
Dream: And I am far more terrible than you, my sister.
"If you are flammable and you have two legs, you are never blocking a fire exit!"
Mitch Hedberg was, quite possible, the finest comedian of the 90's.
Mitch Hedberg was, quite possible, the finest comedian of the 90's.