Groping Specter Terrorizes Old British Lady

Earnest Cavalli

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Groping Specter Terrorizes Old British Lady



It's a ghost story. Or is it? *cue otherworldly wailing*

73-year-old Doris Birch is like any other elderly British woman. She's polite, has an adorable accent and likely has an unnatural affection for tea. Also, she's apparently being haunted by a perverted ghost.

"It's like an octopus. It started four months ago. I was lying in bed when I felt this creepy pair of hands," Birch told her local newspaper, the Herne Bay Times. "I kicked frantically and it went away. Next time it came I hurled the duvet on to the floor! But the ghost keeps coming back. I've tried sleeping without the duvet. But it started shaking my mattress."

"I even threw the mattress off the bed and bought a new one but it has made no difference," Birch added.

Dementia? Birch says no.

"People are going to think I am mad but it is as real as the day to me. I'm not lonely. I love living alone. But this is very creepy and is giving me the jitters. It's harassing me. I need to call in the Ghostbusters."

Springing into action like an Anglican Carl Bernstein, the editors of the Herne Bay Times contacted a husband and wife team of ghost hunters, who offered the following solution:

Spirit medium Ray, a 52-year-old lorry driver, says he can draw the gross ghost into him while Beryl, 59, will envelope it in a "vortex of light" and send it to the "other side."

Smirk if you'd like, but the duo may be Birch's only hope. The Times also contacted Methodist Minister Hugh-Nigel Sheehan hoping his professional relationship with Jehovah might aid in the elderly woman's plight. Sheehan however, was seemingly stymied by the poltergeist.

"I was approached by Mrs Birch but I fear I am not in a position to help. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread," he said.

"I have no expertise in this at all. I am neither a trained counsellor nor from a church with a tradition of exorcism such as the Catholic Church. It is very difficult to know how to respond."

In turn, cynical Yankee commenters on io9 offered an alternate explanation, saying that Ms. Birch likely suffers from hypnagogia, a sleep state in which people can experience sensations that while strikingly real to their half-conscious mind have no actual physical cause.

Far be it from me, an unbiased observer, to suggest a course of action -- though I do support Ms. Birch's Ghostbusters idea -- so I shall instead throw this all to you. Based on the evidence above, is there a pervy ghost haunting the woman's bedroom? And how would you deal with such a situation? Holy water? Blessed whip? Cross subweapon?

Source: io9 [http://www.thisiskent.co.uk/Herne-Bay-gran-struggles-sleep-groping-ghost/story-13884401-detail/story.html]

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Vault Citizen

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The answer is simple, she should wash in the morning not the day and dress in incredibly unflattering clothing at night, maybe eat some garlic before bed for good measure.
 

Lord Beautiful

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Vault Citizen said:
The answer is simple, she should wash in the morning not the day and dress in incredibly unflattering clothing at night, maybe eat some garlic before bed for good measure.
Indeed.

And if the ghost persists still, well, you don't throw away love like that now, do you?
 

Colinmac93

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Upon reading the title for this, I immediately thought "Why did the Queen marry Prince Philip in the first place if he's doing that?"
 

TheRightToArmBears

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You're 73. Not be rude, but how much action are you going to get? I say show this ghost the time of it's life if that's what it's after.
 

Formica Archonis

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Nov 13, 2009
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Why are the ghosts always pervs? There was that one last month about ghostly images of people having sex in the reflection from some TV set, then a few years ago I remember some haunted building in Nova Scotia where some paranormal 'expert' said it was a pair of ghosts talking about someone they were horny over. (And they were apparently still talking about it if you played the tape of their 'speech' in reverse - yay backmasking!)

I think all this says more about us than it says about the 'ghosts'.
 

lacktheknack

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Jan 19, 2009
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I'm gonna go ahead and call this "story of the day".

Has she tried sleeping with an ash cross tied to her upper legs?
 

Kenjitsuka

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"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread"... REALLY? A man from God who thinks an angel would fear a supposed deceased human spirit? Bwahahahahahaha. He should have more faith (or watch more Supernatural at least) :p
 

D0WNT0WN

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I dont think it is a pervy ghost, the lady is 73.

Well then again you are probably not getting any in the afterlife.
 

Charli

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Nov 23, 2008
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...More likely you need to see a doctor dear, it's probably muscle spasms making you feel that sensation when you lie a certain way.
 

Earnest Cavalli

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Colinmac93 said:
Upon reading the title for this, I immediately thought "Why did the Queen marry Prince Philip in the first place if he's doing that?"
You should be on Mock the Week.
 

newwiseman

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Sounds to me like she needs to participate in a sleep study, Or she's just tired of no one ever visiting her.
 

The Funslinger

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Lord Beautiful said:
Vault Citizen said:
The answer is simple, she should wash in the morning not the day and dress in incredibly unflattering clothing at night, maybe eat some garlic before bed for good measure.
Indeed.

And if the ghost persists still, well, you don't throw away love like that now, do you?


Anyway, that husband and wife ghost hunter thing might work. If not for ghosts turning out to be real, then at least it might give her psychological peace and the issue will go away.
 

Proverbial Jon

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Nov 10, 2009
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Colinmac93 said:
Upon reading the title for this, I immediately thought "Why did the Queen marry Prince Philip in the first place if he's doing that?"
You sir just won the thread!

OT: I don't even have anything to say... I think it's the husband and wife ghost hunters that baffle me most. Do people actually hire them based on that description of their methods? Then again, if you think some ghost is groping you at night, then that might just about do the trick... o_O
 

Mortuorum

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Sounds like a textbook case of hypnogogic hallucinations. Not sure how this is newsworthy.