How big a role does sex play in a relationship?

[Amberella]

If you have a strong bond, it'll work without sex for a little while. Me, I couldn't imagine not making love with the man I love and adore. It's a time when we connect on a deeper level. And it's something we only share. <3 Also, it's a way that I express my feelings for him.

 

[Titan Buttons]

You ned to discuss this issue with her above anything else because afterall she is the one you are romanticly involved in. This is a bump in your realationship that, while it's perfectly fine to take advice for, needs to end with you talking to her about it.

Just because you don't want to have sex with someone right now doesn't mean you dont love them or want to have sex with them later.

 

[chadachada123]

The key here, I think, is that you don't want to leave her wanting. If she wants sex, you should oblige, lest she "get bored" and leave, or think you a prude that doesn't want to satisfy her, or something.

The physical connection between you two can be very, very important in establishing/strengthening/maintaining (pick one) a healthy emotional connection.

That said, if she's some sort of sex fiend, this could lead to your eventual crushing.

Anyway, if you actually like her, you most likely will be the happiest from seeing HER happy or pleasured. Pleasuring her should take a little bit of precedence over yourself, if you like her, because that's what will (most likely) make you both the happiest. Hard to explain this concept, but I hope it comes across clearly.

 

[Johann610]

Sex is necessary. A match of chemistry, and the regular servicing thereof, are the reasons for intimacy in the first place. If you can relax, learn, and grow into the situation, then hang onto her and let her teach you. If you don't want to learn, or she doesn't want to teach, then bail out now.

I've been on both sides of this, and yeah, you can pretend that her going off somewhere to "get it" without you is ok, but it won't be, when the time comes. Nor will she share the emotional intimacy you want--not with her loyalties divided.

Sorry.

 

[imperialwar]

I've been in a relationship for a good few months now. I'm enjoying it thoroughly. However, as we're getting closer and closer, the inevitable question of sex is being brought up. My lady friend has been subtly hinting that she'd like to get intimate with me (although I am by no means a behavioural analyst so I can't confirm anything) and I'm terrified.

I'm a virgin. I've never had any real sexual thoughts and I find the whole thing rather off-putting, honestly. I have no desire to do anything of the sort. The crux of my question is, can a relationship last without sex, and, if not, how long will it last without it?

I'm not sure how long you have been in this relationship, but if you feel intimidated to mention you're a virgin then the relationship may not be as stable as you would hope.
If thats the case then jumping into amping up the sexual tension will only make matters worse.
Again, if you feel you cant say to the girl im nervous about sex as Im a virgin then doing it with her would be a mistake.

I was a virgin until age 21 and married the girl who i first had sex with.
The lack of regular sex ( about once or twice a month at the moment ) is the only tension in our relationship outside of money concerns.
How ever our strongest ability is being able to talk to each other and express our concerns without it devolving into an arguement.

 

[RicoGrey]

I would divorce my wife, the mother of my children, the woman who I have been with for over 12 years, the love of my life, IF she were suddenly unable to have sex with me.

Depending on the circumstances, I may not divorce her right away. If she was hurt, I would provide her with support, but at some point, our relationship would be over.

If this girl really does want sex, and you are unable to give it to her, your relationship is doomed.

If you have no sex drive, I highly recommend that you see your doctor, the problem may be purely physical, and he might be able to help.

Being a guy past puberty, and not having a sex drive means there is absolutely something wrong about you. Well maybe "wrong" is not the right word, if this is at your core, then I would say it is how you are naturally, but it is definitely not normal.

As a guy with a normal sex drive, I honestly can not see why you would even want to be in that kind of relationship. I can understand the desire for relationships, but for me if there is no intimacy, then I would just consider it a friendship, and there is nothing wrong with just being friends. That is just me though, I have never NOT had a sex drive, so I don't even know what that would be like.

 

[spartan231490]

Depends on the relationship man, but if she wants sex only a few months in, probably not. Not unless you're one of those rare few who thinks it's ok if she gets it elsewhere.

For me it's extremely important. Sex is really what separates a romantic relationship from a close friendship.

This speaks to me from someone who has yet to know true intimacy.

Look, the writing is on the wall. If she wants sex, and you don't it CAN work but PROBABLY won't. sex is a need just as real as the need for space. If you can't meet that need then she has every right to find someone who can. Sorry to say it but you should consider looking for someone who's needs more closely match your own.

This speaks to me of someone who has yet to know a good friend. Hafrael is correct.

 

[FalloutJack]

Sex is a bonus. A good bonus.

 

[smithy_2045]

If she wants sex and you don't, your relationship will break. But you really need to discuss your concerns with her, not us.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

If she wants sex and you don't, your relationship will break. But you really need to discuss your concerns with her, not us.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe an arrangement can be made to hold out on that until there is a true sense of commitment without the danger of creating a burden for both partners. It is still possible to have a relationship without frequent sex. How do you think politicians reproduce?

I will ditto the "discuss it with her" sentiment though. Honesty and communication are so important. Trusting her with the truth may seem difficult but at least it will beat learning she's started cheating on you or if she just left.

 

[Braedan]

I know this is a couple pages deep, and I don't want to read for fifteen minutes, but this is the way I see it.

a relationship where one person wants sex and the other doesn't will not work. Sex is a very strong basic urge. I know there are a small number of people who have no urge to have sex (though this number seems ridiculously high on this forum....), but unless its stated before hand, its generally accepted that a relationship will entail sex. And being in a sexless relationship when you want to have sex is no fun at all.

I suggest honesty.
just remember that this subject could very easily crush her self esteem (much worse than you feeling embarrassed).

ps. remember the part where I said "this is how I see it.

 

[Julianking93]

I'm happy I'm in a relationship that doesn't require such stress. >.>
As for your problem, it's been more or less stated at this point; just be honest with her and ask.
Some people don't find it as important as others.
Maybe your lady friend is one of those types who can't live without sex or maybe she's someone who couldn't care less either way.
Honesty is always key though.

 

[Caffiene]

The crux of my question is, can a relationship last without sex, and, if not, how long will it last without it?

Can a relationship last? Yes. As others have said already, sexual compatibility is important, but that can include both partners not being interested in sex.

Can your relationship last? That depends entirely on how different your and her expectations and needs are regarding sex. If she is happy without sex, then it could last quite well. If she is happy for you to please her even though you arent particularly interested in your own pleasure, then it could last. If she needs sex but you are one of those rare people who are ok with her going to someone else for that then it could last (although chances are lower due to how complex the situation gets).

The most important thing is to talk to her. There is absolutely no way around it. The only way to know the details of how she feels about sex are for her to tell you (and yes, you do need to know the details if you are going to come to an understanding that will sustain a relationship in the long term).

I'm really not very comfortable talking about it, so perhaps I should wait for her to definitively bring it up rather than go on inference.

Well, I guess it depends. Which is more important to you: Avoiding some discomfort; or having a healthy relationship and making sure you arent causing your partner distress?

Ill give you a hint: One of those options is a very clear indicator about how likely it is that your relationship will last. And it doesnt indicate a positive result.

 

[Monkeyman O'Brien]

A relationship without sex is just a friendship (or marriage if you were stupid enough to go through with that) so not a real relationship at all.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

My lady friend has been subtly hinting that she'd like to get intimate with me (although I am by no means a behavioural analyst so I can't confirm anything) and I'm terrified.

I'm a virgin. I've never had any real sexual thoughts and I find the whole thing rather off-putting, honestly. I have no desire to do anything of the sort. The crux of my question is, can a relationship last without sex, and, if not, how long will it last without it?

How long will it last? Depends on how long you keep lying to her. I'd continue with this, but I think the rest of the thread handled this point pretty well.

On to my other main point: Do you self-identify as an Asexual? If so, you already have your answer - stop leading the poor girl on.

If not... then what are your thoughts/feelings on sexual desire? Do you find masturbation pleasurable? Do you find her attractive? Do you have a desire to make HER feel good?

The answer to those questions would likely help us to better advise you.

If (as another poster suggested) your libido is being supplanted by your fear of Intercourse itself, then I'd ask if you are aware that there is a whole lot of middle ground to sex. Mutual Masturbation is often more effective in pleasuring a woman than full intercourse (which is why I asked about your views on masturbation above). If you enjoy masturbation, then you might be able to share that with her without necessarily attempting intercourse if that makes you uncomfortable.

So yeah, the main question is "are you asexual?" Because, if so, then the rest of this thread (and all of my advice above) is moot.

 

[SpAc3man]

Give it a go. I find it to be an important part of a long term romantic relationship. Even if you aren't an overly sexual person it is important that you enjoy pleasuring to your significant other. Make sure you talk to your lady about it and let her know you don't think you are a very sexual person but you are willing to have a shot at it. You may find you enjoy it.

 

[Bat Vader]

I've been in a relationship for a good few months now. I'm enjoying it thoroughly. However, as we're getting closer and closer, the inevitable question of sex is being brought up. My lady friend has been subtly hinting that she'd like to get intimate with me (although I am by no means a behavioural analyst so I can't confirm anything) and I'm terrified.

I'm a virgin. I've never had any real sexual thoughts and I find the whole thing rather off-putting, honestly. I have no desire to do anything of the sort. The crux of my question is, can a relationship last without sex, and, if not, how long will it last without it?

I am sure there have been many relationships where sex wasn't involved but that would have most likely been a decision both people in the relationship decided on. The best thing to do would be to discuss this with your girlfriend and see how she feels about it.

I have never been in a relationship though so I have no real right to talk.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

The crux of my question is, can a relationship last without sex, and, if not, how long will it last without it?

I'm not really the best person to be asking since I have very little experience in that area and the few relationships I have had never got to that stage. However I am of the opinion that if it can't last without sex, than it's not worth maintaining in the first place.

 

[dorkette1990]

Someone that calls himself a forensic psychotherapist asking us this strikes me as something either incredibly ironic (false occupation claim) or investigatory (story is false, interested in the asexuals here).

Could be all above board, tickles me inappropriately though.

---

Sex is the difference between a best friend and a partner, to me at least.

This.

I've been asked out by people who are asexual, which is great and all, but to me, sex plays an major part of a romantic relationship. Otherwise... you may as well be a friend I cuddle with, and I do have those. I don't really reach the pinnacle of my attachment to someone until I have sex with them, so it would be difficult to regard a sexless relationship as equally as important as that of my other romantic partners. This all being said, I have a through-the-roof sex drive, so you can take my input with a grain of salt.

 

[Shraggler]

Like many others have said, there is no right answer. Some relationships thrive without it, some relationships smoulder with it.

Although in your case, if your lady friend is hinting at stepping up intimacy and the "physical connection", I'd figure she does consider sex part of a relationship, if not an important part.

I'd say be honest, as GoaThief advised. Your relationship will strengthen and up the level of trust. Who knows, you may feel differently after discussing it and get laid.

Shit dude, it's life. We get one go. Some of us aren't nearly as lucky. Enjoy the ride and relish the experience, whatever it turns out to be.