How do you deal with this person?

aseelt

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Jan 13, 2010
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I don't think this falls under the remit of a "relationship problem" which is why I'm posting it in Off-topic.

My wife (let's call her "C") has a problem with her sister (let's call her "B") and neither of us seem to know how to solve it.

The background: B has been taking and turning friends of C against her, through lies and manipulations. This has happened to at least four friends, probably more.

This particular situation blew up when a post went up on a gossip website about the sister, B, which my wife, C, was blamed for. For the record, my wife did not post it. Said post said several secrets about B and basically called her a *****. Current theories have one of B's exes (grammar?) as the author.

B has gone on to get her friends (formerly my wife's friends) to post libellous things about myself and C. B is also turning C's Mother and Grandma against my wife, C.

What we would like is for B to cut this shit out. For the former friends to maybe reconcile with my wife C, for the family to support C, and for B to generally either (best case) become a nicer person or (worst case) stop talking shit about us and leave us alone.

So far there is no reasoning with with B. People seem to be automatically taking her side based on the lies she has told.

Any ideas folks?
 

zombiesinc

One day, we'll wake the zombies
Mar 29, 2010
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The Advice Forum isn't specific to relationship problems, it's for all advice.

As such, I'll move it on over.
 

LCP

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Dec 24, 2008
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Beat the S out of that B

nah, not really....

You're in a pickle my friend
 

aseelt

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zombiesinc said:
The Advice Forum isn't specific to relationship problems, it's for all advice.

As such, I'll move it on over.
Oh. Did not know that.

Thanks!
 

gorillahertz

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Sep 19, 2010
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Can you get B's ex to admit to the post? That seems to be the root cause. I mean... if he dislikes her that much, then getting him to own-up in a public way would just make his point for him. Then B would be called out for all the bad things she's said about C and seem like a vindictive Uberb**ch.

That's all I can think of. The whole situation pretty much sucks.
 

aseelt

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Jan 13, 2010
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No, we don't have contact with B's ex (even when they were going out we didn't talk to him). He would have no reason to come clean for us in any case.
 

bluepilot

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B seems to be an emotion manipulator, and is currently winning.

I had a similar problem with a girl who stole my boyfriend then spread lies to turn everyone against me. In this experience I leaned that even if someone tells a lie about you, the burden of proof lies on the object of the lie, not the teller.

Due to this girl I lost all my friends. However, I kept my head down, got out more, got a new boyfriend, new, loyal friends and now I am very happy.

I am not saying that our situations are the same, but my advice to you is just to let it go. Stay off the Internet, because no matter what she writes it will get boring if there is no response from you. If friends or relatives take her side cut them out. They have shown their true colours and cannot be trusted. Get out more, make new friends. Instead of trying to get everyone's approval, make everyone fight to get your approval.

One day her lies will be exposed and she will be friendless. Just wait, have patience and live your life

If you take a stance against her others will join you as the chances are she has upset other people too

Also, refuse to be held to account for what B says. If people say "oh I heard blah blah" or similar just tell them that it has nothing to do with you and to take it up with B.

It will be hard but if you take a firm stance then you can win
 

aseelt

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bluepilot said:
Thank you! That is actually what my wife is doing right now. The problem is we feel helpless and this inactivity is making the both of us depressed. Maybe what we're looking for is some way to level the playing field, win one for a change? It's the "currently winning" which is biting at the moment.

PS: B apparently hasn't written anything herself (unless she used a pseudonym which I suspect she has). The initial gossip post about her was by some unknown person, so far B has used her friends (C's former friends) to do her dirty work.
 

pezwitch

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Mar 31, 2009
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aseelt said:
What we would like is for B to cut this shit out. For the former friends to maybe reconcile with my wife C, for the family to support C, and for B to generally either (best case) become a nicer person or (worst case) stop talking shit about us and leave us alone.
Unfortunately, what you would like to happen probably won't happen (I speak from experience). The way I resolved a similar issue is that I refuse to discuss my sibling with anyone in the family. If all the family wants to do is discuss the current drama I very politely try to change the subject and if this doesn't work I leave.

It's very hard at first, but after a while (it took my family several years) it does get better. One thing I do is I make an effort to not go looking for family drama. I hid my siblings, aunts and cousins Facebook feeds (unfriending would cause more drama, hiding is much better) and I act disinterested whenever I am confronted with a "She said..." or "Why did you..." situation.

My opinion is that the people who create the drama (B in your case) want attention and ignoring them and getting on with your life without dwelling on them is the best way to handle it. Living a happy and fulfilling life without them is the best revenge.
 

Evidencebased

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Feb 28, 2011
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aseelt said:
bluepilot said:
Thank you! That is actually what my wife is doing right now. The problem is we feel helpless and this inactivity is making the both of us depressed. Maybe what we're looking for is some way to level the playing field, win one for a change? It's the "currently winning" which is biting at the moment.

PS: B apparently hasn't written anything herself (unless she used a pseudonym which I suspect she has). The initial gossip post about her was by some unknown person, so far B has used her friends (C's former friends) to do her dirty work.
It's not fun, but I think what bluepilot described is the closest you'll get to "winning" this thing. Descending to B's level wouldn't work (it's probably exactly what she's hoping for) and it'll just create more tension. Better to be the more mature people on this one, really; getting involved in "he said she said" anonymous internet drama is seriously beneath you! (Like, seriously beneath you. Is B only 9 years old or something? That's the kind of stuff a girl tried to pull on me in 3rd grade! :p)
 

SiskoBlue

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Aug 11, 2010
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Look at Soap Operas. People are addicted to them. Emotional dramas, betrayals, misunderstandings and deception. Exciting to watch but honestly who wants to live like that? Apparently a lot of people, and I avoid them like the plague. If B thinks your wife is the one stirring the pot then she obviously think your wife doesn't like her in the first place. If your mutual friends and family are siding with B against your wife then it seems they've also got axes to grind with your wife. Either that or they're jackals happy to descend on whoever the latest gossip victim is.

If that's the case the advice above is perfect, get out now. Avoid all contact. If these people come and ask you and your wife about it, just say "We haven't posted anything, or said anything about B to anybody. If she thinks we have, than that's a shame, but we didn't".

Believe, your lives will be infinitely better once you move out of the OC, Home-and-Away, East Enders, Bold and the Beautiful, Days of our lives territory. Don't be a soap opera.
 

aseelt

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Jan 13, 2010
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pezwitch said:
Evidencebased said:
Aylaine said:
SiskoBlue said:
Thank you all (and BosnaiK for a PM reply).

We know the mature thing is to cut people out and leave B... be and say whatever she wants and not react, but having a several year time frame in order for her to grow the fuck up and mature is not really a pleasant option.

We're supposed to sit and wait? It's hard, especially when the normal advice against bullying and the like is to stick up for yourself.

What my wife's biggest worry is that her Grandma will move away from her due to B's lies, as has happened with her friends. Neither of us wants that (though it should be said that the Grandma is sweet as pie and I personally don't think she could disown C).

How do we prevent her Grandma being "poisoned" by B by sitting back and not reacting?
 

pezwitch

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Mar 31, 2009
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aseelt said:
Thank you all (and BosnaiK for a PM reply).

We know the mature thing is to cut people out and leave B... be and say whatever she wants and not react, but having a several year time frame in order for her to grow the fuck up and mature is not really a pleasant option.

We're supposed to sit and wait? It's hard, especially when the normal advice against bullying and the like is to stick up for yourself.

What my wife's biggest worry is that her Grandma will move away from her due to B's lies, as has happened with her friends. Neither of us wants that (though it should be said that the Grandma is sweet as pie and I personally don't think she could disown C).

How do we prevent her Grandma being "poisoned" by B by sitting back and not reacting?
I am not advocating sitting back and waiting for B to mature because she may never grow up and mature. And I do understand how hard this is to accept, my sibling is a grandparent and still dramatic and I wish it was different, but it is not. So I don't think you should sit around and take abuse until B matures because you might be waiting forever.

I was very close to my grandmother even though my sibling was her favored grandchild (my sibling could no wrong and my grandmother made excuses for their bad behavior.) I tried to make my relationship with my grandmother separate from everyone else, and it worked. I thought about how I did this and I don't know how to explain other than to say I tried to be a part of her life and make her a part of mine. When I lived close to her we had coffee every morning before work and when I moved away I called several times a week to find out how she was doing.

And when I say I tried to keep it separate I don't mean that I have nothing to do with my sibling or the rest of my family. I do. I see my sibling several times a year at family gatherings and I do see the rest of my family. I see them, I just have two rules: No discussing my sibling's issues and everyone has to be polite or I leave.

What I've learned is that refusing to discuss my sibling and insisting on being treated with dignity is a form of defending myself. It's taking the moral high ground. I never say anything bad about my sibling which made their rants seem out of place and strange after a while.

I feel like I'm rambling so I hope this makes sense. I really do hope your wife's situation improves.
 

aseelt

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Aylaine said:
Sit down and have a talk with her. Explain to her whats going on, and say that's what's going on & that you hoke she sticks with guys forever because you love her. Something honest like that ids all you can really do without trying to force her to take a side, you know? :)
Unfortunately talking with B doesn't work. She says one thing and as soon as she's gone or we turn our back she starts something else up. Ugh.

pezwitch said:
I am not advocating sitting back and waiting for B to mature because she may never grow up and mature. And I do understand how hard this is to accept, my sibling is a grandparent and still dramatic and I wish it was different, but it is not. So I don't think you should sit around and take abuse until B matures because you might be waiting forever.

I was very close to my grandmother even though my sibling was her favored grandchild (my sibling could no wrong and my grandmother made excuses for their bad behavior.) I tried to make my relationship with my grandmother separate from everyone else, and it worked. I thought about how I did this and I don't know how to explain other than to say I tried to be a part of her life and make her a part of mine. When I lived close to her we had coffee every morning before work and when I moved away I called several times a week to find out how she was doing.

And when I say I tried to keep it separate I don't mean that I have nothing to do with my sibling or the rest of my family. I do. I see my sibling several times a year at family gatherings and I do see the rest of my family. I see them, I just have two rules: No discussing my sibling's issues and everyone has to be polite or I leave.

What I've learned is that refusing to discuss my sibling and insisting on being treated with dignity is a form of defending myself. It's taking the moral high ground. I never say anything bad about my sibling which made their rants seem out of place and strange after a while.

I feel like I'm rambling so I hope this makes sense. I really do hope your wife's situation improves.
My wife is currently taking the "cutting people out" route with her friends, and unfortunately also with her Grandma. I don't like sidelining the Grandma at all.

I think the "I won't discuss it" is the best way to follow through with this.

Thanks all!
 

Lullabye

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Oct 23, 2008
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Eat the body. Use bones as decorations.

I don't know, all the 'talk to them' advice has already been given(not that I'm great at giving advice in the first place but this situation is similar to one of my own)
I would really try to find out if B is doing this purposefully or if that's just the way she is. People can be odd like that sometimes.
Other than that....follow what everyone else has said up to this point.
 

Jellly

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Sep 22, 2010
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You just need to straight up tell B she's out of line. Just tell her to stop and if she continues....

No clue :S
 

KiraTaureLor

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Mar 27, 2011
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First you, and your wife need to cut off your relationship with the sister, and all those friends, families that crossed over immediately with no exceptions, unless they supply you with money or oxygen you don't really need that negative energy, and stress in your life, and your relationships. (this includes Facebook, twitter email etc.)

secondly, you need to get legal action to stop the postings, as soon as possible, this way everyone takes you more seriously, the posts will likely stop before the is any official charges, and it will stop any harm that these posts will cause to you, and your wife in your future or careers etc.

thirdly, if your wife is truly innocent you and her do not need to prove anything to anybody.

Fourthly DO NOT try to find the original culprit as this will definitely only suck you deeper into this mess.


Hope this is of any help.