I'll keep this as short as I can. Circumstances during middle school made me start bottling up my anger, since every time I expressed negative emotions, people always looked at me with disapproval and meant that my reactions were all my fault.
It's been almost 8 years since I started bottling it up. I've gotten quite good at it. Which is a bad thing, since whenever I feel my emotions blowing up, I'm absolutely terrified. 8 years is a long time spent not expressing my anger, and it's been so long that I can't remember what it feels like to express anger at someone. I got extremely close this summer during a fight between my parents; My dad even said that he'd never seen me so angry. And even then, I was bottling up most of it.
Because of this, I don't really know what I'll act like when I finally snap, if I ever do. I'm just scared that it'll be set off by some stupid insignificant thing, causing me to pour a flood of rage over someone who doesn't deserve it. And the ones I've wanted to get mad at wouldn't get the hint, mainly because of a complete absence of self-awareness. It would solve precisely jack shit, in other words.
These past few months, I've really been down in the dumps, being moody and a bit depressed. School has been a major factor in this, as I don't feel at home with the subjects and have failed pretty much every single exam I've taken this year. And at times, I've once again felt like I'm really close to flipping my shit, so to speak. This part, however, will soon be fixed, as I've decided that I'm going to quit since I can't do this anymore. I feel that my bad mood has affected the people around me, which I don't want to happen. Things will be better this way.
But that's beside the point. My teetering on the edge of anger and not really being able to express it has made me quite passive-aggressive, which some might argue is even worse. It has ramped up my snarkiness quite a few times, sometimes unneccesarily so.
The two things that I've discovered have come the closest to making me snap, though, is when I get interrupted and when I feel that people don't listen to me. It might seem like childish things, but it happens so often that I'm really growing sick of it. During Christmas, I was reading the rules to a game we were playing, only to have people constantly interrupt me for unrelated things. Of course, this made me quite pissed off. Then my mom told me afterwards to "stop acting like such a child" and that we were supposed to have fun. She also told me that I was acting whiny when trying on new ski boots. She acted like I had thrown a temper tantrum like a spoiled five-year old when I, at most, grimaced and said "Ow!" when trying on a pair that really fucking hurt. (Finding a pair for me that doesn't hurt is near-impossible, let me tell ya.) This also pissed me off, because I felt like it was unfair. I mean, I'd find it a reasonable reaction if it only happened sometimes, but it happens really often.
All in all, at times, I feel like a Molotov Cocktail. Or a volcano. (Has anyone heard that song? By Diane Ponzio? Anyone heard of her? No? Okay.) It worries me. Since I also have some self-esteem issues, it feels like a potentially dangerous combination, since my emotional side and my logical side often feel like they are at war with each other.
So I was mainly wondering if anyone has any tips for letting out my anger in small doses. Some kind of stress relief that doesn't involve hurting anyone's feelings. Or hurting anyone in any way, for that matter. Just to let off some steam.
It turned out quite long-winded anyway, didn't it? Sorry about that. Thank you for reading. And a pro tip: Don't bottle up your anger to the extent that I have. It's not healthy.
It's been almost 8 years since I started bottling it up. I've gotten quite good at it. Which is a bad thing, since whenever I feel my emotions blowing up, I'm absolutely terrified. 8 years is a long time spent not expressing my anger, and it's been so long that I can't remember what it feels like to express anger at someone. I got extremely close this summer during a fight between my parents; My dad even said that he'd never seen me so angry. And even then, I was bottling up most of it.
Because of this, I don't really know what I'll act like when I finally snap, if I ever do. I'm just scared that it'll be set off by some stupid insignificant thing, causing me to pour a flood of rage over someone who doesn't deserve it. And the ones I've wanted to get mad at wouldn't get the hint, mainly because of a complete absence of self-awareness. It would solve precisely jack shit, in other words.
These past few months, I've really been down in the dumps, being moody and a bit depressed. School has been a major factor in this, as I don't feel at home with the subjects and have failed pretty much every single exam I've taken this year. And at times, I've once again felt like I'm really close to flipping my shit, so to speak. This part, however, will soon be fixed, as I've decided that I'm going to quit since I can't do this anymore. I feel that my bad mood has affected the people around me, which I don't want to happen. Things will be better this way.
But that's beside the point. My teetering on the edge of anger and not really being able to express it has made me quite passive-aggressive, which some might argue is even worse. It has ramped up my snarkiness quite a few times, sometimes unneccesarily so.
The two things that I've discovered have come the closest to making me snap, though, is when I get interrupted and when I feel that people don't listen to me. It might seem like childish things, but it happens so often that I'm really growing sick of it. During Christmas, I was reading the rules to a game we were playing, only to have people constantly interrupt me for unrelated things. Of course, this made me quite pissed off. Then my mom told me afterwards to "stop acting like such a child" and that we were supposed to have fun. She also told me that I was acting whiny when trying on new ski boots. She acted like I had thrown a temper tantrum like a spoiled five-year old when I, at most, grimaced and said "Ow!" when trying on a pair that really fucking hurt. (Finding a pair for me that doesn't hurt is near-impossible, let me tell ya.) This also pissed me off, because I felt like it was unfair. I mean, I'd find it a reasonable reaction if it only happened sometimes, but it happens really often.
All in all, at times, I feel like a Molotov Cocktail. Or a volcano. (Has anyone heard that song? By Diane Ponzio? Anyone heard of her? No? Okay.) It worries me. Since I also have some self-esteem issues, it feels like a potentially dangerous combination, since my emotional side and my logical side often feel like they are at war with each other.
So I was mainly wondering if anyone has any tips for letting out my anger in small doses. Some kind of stress relief that doesn't involve hurting anyone's feelings. Or hurting anyone in any way, for that matter. Just to let off some steam.
It turned out quite long-winded anyway, didn't it? Sorry about that. Thank you for reading. And a pro tip: Don't bottle up your anger to the extent that I have. It's not healthy.