I Love You So Much I Might Even Call Sometime

Lara Crigger

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I Love You So Much I Might Even Call Sometime

You're not nice, you're a doormat.

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JaceArveduin

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Liked the last bit, tell everyone to shut the fuck up n piss off is always a good model when you don't care about them and they are constantly criticizing you.

But yeah, I'm guessin that one guy might just hate talking on the phone, I know I do for the most part.
 

ph0b0s123

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Jul 7, 2010
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The best advise I have seen on these columns so far. Also I got the impression of more sympathy for the people being advised than in other weeks. I think seeming more sympathetic gets people to follow the advise even if it still is not something they would want to do. The nice guy advise from last week was just too adversarial (even though true) and probably lost people who should be following that advise.

People have to feel that in some way on their side, before telling the they are idiots.

I would say for letter number 2. Put the onus on him to initiate communication every so often. It does not have to be anything big, just something as simple as, at the end of a get together say something like, 'I had fun, let like know when you want to get together again'. Then you both know the next initiative is with him.
 

Micalas

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Mar 5, 2011
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On the second letter: Your boyfriend sounds a lot like me. I don't really initiate conversations. I'm more of an active listener. If you start the conversation I will carry it with you until words fail you.

CAPTCHA: trifling ichpis. Ichpis sounds quite trifling.
 

Dastardly

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Apr 19, 2010
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Lara Crigger said:
Love FAQ: I Love You So Much I Might Even Call Sometime

You're not nice, you're a doormat.

Read Full Article
I actually think the column often works better without a lot of the gaming shtick. But above all, I think what has made this week's offering a triumph is that the advice focuses much more on the person asking the question, understanding (rather than inadvertently ridiculing) why they feel the way they do, and offering direct suggestions as to what to do next.

For Nice, I'd just caution you not to fall into the nigh-inevitable trap that either she or yourself will set for you: You won't be getting back together. Not even if she and the new beau break up. From her behavior, it's obvious she views you as a resource, entirely separate from the romantic portion of her brain. She might give you "hints" to keep you on the hook -- and she may do this without realizing it to, not to make her a mustache-twirling villain -- or you may subconsciously read this into the situation... but don't buy it.

It won't be fair to you. And it won't be fair to her, because (odds are) you're covering up for some deficiencies in her current relationship. So she will continue to invest herself, oblivious to these deficiencies. She needs to realize how she's treating you, that's for sure, but she also needs to realize how she's allowing herself to be treated. In helping yourself, you also help her -- maybe that can help to ease your conscience during this difficult process.

Hits Itself: Don't overthink it. Really, some people are good at starting and others a brilliant at following. You seem to be a good starter, he seems to be a good follower. Maybe (like I am) he's just laid back, and it doesn't matter to him what you do -- so he's content to let you decide that, so he can be sure the two of you are doing things you enjoy. He's letting you set the pace.

As time goes on, things will take more shape. It might continue like this, or he might gain some more confidence, or maybe confidence isn't the issue... only time will tell. But it sounds like it'll be a good time on the way, so again, don't overthink it.

Full Health Bar: I've seen both sides. You do what you want to do, and don't let them pressure you otherwise. As long as you find someone who shares your feelings on the matter, you should be fine.

The other side, though, is that it can be hard to know what we want until we've tried something. While "discovering together" is awesome, it always carries the risk that two people will "discover" they like very different things -- and sometimes, those differences can be hard to reconcile. I think that maybe people who are not willing to take that risk have a hard time understanding someone who is. They may seem to think less of you, but really they are just reacting to how they would handle the situation.

I would caution you, above all, to remain true to that belief against your own potential storms. It can be extremely easy, as our "natural urges" steer us around, to begin rushing things toward marriage in a hormone-blinded rage. And those aren't as obvious and easy-to-spot as they sound! If you jump in too fast, get married, find out it's wrong, and then need a divorce... well, that would mean the "wait until marriage" ship has sailed.

Putting off sex chronologically is not a worthwhile decision unless you can also put it off psychologically. Not saying you can't, but I'm saying it can sneak up on you, so be wary!
 

GonzoGamer

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Apr 9, 2008
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Hmmm.
That first letter is helping me understand why gamers are so accepting of every greedy money making scheme the gaming industry can come up with.

It's a lot like what's gone on this generation: the publishers and platform developers keep coming up with ways of making more money which ultimately make things more frustrating for the consumer, yet the consumer keeps accepting it, making excuses for the industry, and eventually lining up ahead of time for the next big rip off scheme.

I only took Psych 101 but I'm curious what kind of mentality that is. Is that some kind of masochism or self loathing? Whatever it is, it seems pretty common amongst gamers.
 
Jan 27, 2011
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I'm in a slightly similar situation to the second person. Only slightly. I'm usually the one to call/open-steam-conversation/Skype my girlfriend, she almost never does it. On the other hand, she comes up with roughly 95% of the date ideas.

Plus, I kinda get that she doesn't want to maybe-accidentally-possibly bother me, so she lets me do the calling (she's very conscious about bothering people. She hates herself anytime she does that, even accidentally). My take on it is: I'm fine with that. I don't mind being the one to initiate calls. :p
 

Conkzerton

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Mar 20, 2010
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I too convulse when asked to order the pizza. It's a common thing, so don't waste a potentially great relationship too quick on a little hang up. If a real issue comes out of it, maybe a rethink. But now, let it pan out naturally, may just get better when things are more comfortable.
 

Jang

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Mar 21, 2009
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This was a great article =D I am really starting to dig this column ^^
 

The Funslinger

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Sep 12, 2010
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God, that first one irritated me due to one thing: "she said I was too safe". Most people know safe =/= boring, so that's not it. People saying "ooh, he was too safe" and "I want someone with a bit of danger" just reveals so much stupidity and bimbo-ishness. Fuck right off!
 

Electric Alpaca

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May 2, 2011
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Letter number 2 I'm exactly like the male mentioned.

I feel like I'm "inflicting" my presence on someone if I call them, and it takes a long time of me knowing someone (girlfriend or otherwise) before I don't feel bad about contacting someone to do something.

He may just have the same insecurities as I have, and you shouldn't worry about having to initiate contact each time because he definitely seems receptive each time you contact him.
 

ph0b0s123

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Deviate said:
-snip-
I couldn't even imagine entering a relationship with a virgin at this point, especially a long-term/life relationship, quite simply because life is far too short for mediocre sex.
That made me laugh. Yes, becuase someone with low amounts of experience in the sack is always going to be bad at it. I think some people are too impatient to do a bit of mentoring and prefer that others do that for them. I would have thought that potentially having a 'blank slate' that you could mould to your desires would have been a good thing, especially if the relationship is long term.
 

JMeganSnow

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Aug 27, 2008
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I'd add to Full Health Bar: the reason why not having sex is sometimes bad for your relationships is because you don't learn how to have sex--and a relationship can be poisoned by bad/unfulfilling sex. Despite what some people believe, we are not born knowing how to have good sex. "What comes naturally" to some people is to be awkward, confused, or just plain frigid in bed, and unable to discuss this with their partner.

So, even if you don't want to actually have sex until after marriage, learn to be open and relaxed ABOUT sex. Pay attention to what turns you on. Experiment with self-manipulation so you know what produces good and bad physical sensations. Talk to your would-be partners about it so you can learn their attitudes about sex before you're married to them, in bed, and attempting to arouse someone who's terrified of physical intimacy or expects you to do 100% of the work when you expect it to be more 50/50.

If you conquer the expectations and responsibilities surrounding sex, you can sure have great relationships without ever having sex first. But not if you expect it to just work out.
 

cynicalsaint1

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Apr 1, 2010
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About Letter #2

I wouldn't worry much - I'm kind of like that too. I can't speak for the dude in the letter, but I can in my case a lot of it is that I don't like bothering people when they don't want to be bothered so I tend to let people start conversations with me, unless there's something I specifically want to talk about it or ask.
 

artanis_neravar

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Apr 18, 2011
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Lara Crigger said:
Love FAQ: I Love You So Much I Might Even Call Sometime

You're not nice, you're a doormat.

Read Full Article
Great advice

#1 - Listen to this advice, you won't be happy until you do.

#2 - He is probably trying to do what you are doing and play it cool, I can tell you from experience that at the start of a relationship (or even before one starts) some guys tend to over-think everything they do, and worry that the girl is going to misinterpret what he says.
 

artanis_neravar

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Apr 18, 2011
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Dastardly said:
The other side, though, is that it can be hard to know what we want until we've tried something. While "discovering together" is awesome, it always carries the risk that two people will "discover" they like very different things -- and sometimes, those differences can be hard to reconcile. I think that maybe people who are not willing to take that risk have a hard time understanding someone who is. They may seem to think less of you, but really they are just reacting to how they would handle the situation.

I would caution you, above all, to remain true to that belief against your own potential storms. It can be extremely easy, as our "natural urges" steer us around, to begin rushing things toward marriage in a hormone-blinded rage. And those aren't as obvious and easy-to-spot as they sound! If you jump in too fast, get married, find out it's wrong, and then need a divorce... well, that would mean the "wait until marriage" ship has sailed.

Putting off sex chronologically is not a worthwhile decision unless you can also put it off psychologically. Not saying you can't, but I'm saying it can sneak up on you, so be wary!
Very very true. One of the most important things in a relationship is sexual compatibility, if you don't have it the relationship is almost always doomed to fail.

Deviate said:
I do have to say I think you're missing out, though. The longer you go without sex and the fewer partners you have in life, you'll find yourself less good in bed. I couldn't even imagine entering a relationship with a virgin at this point, especially a long-term/life relationship, quite simply because life is far too short for mediocre sex.
Speak for yourself, I was good my first time
 

Athinira

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Jan 25, 2010
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Lara Crigger said:
Dear Love FAQ,

I'm an adult, and I've never had sex. To be honest, I'm fine with that. For many reasons, I want to wait until I'm married to do so.

However, I'm constantly told that sex is part of a normal boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic, and that I'm "doomed to fail" if I do this. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Full Health Bar


Dear Full Health Bar,

Find someone who believes as you do, and then not have sex together.

Then tell everyone else to shut the hell up and quit judging you. It's none of their business anyway.
While it's not inherently a bad advice she gives here, i would have added that the chance of finding someone who wants to be with you is decreasingly slim if that is your approach to sex.

I think quoting David DeAngelo is appropriate here:
I have read some interesting research that shows that women have a few main categories in their minds in which they slot men.

These are:
1) Not interested at all.
2) Interested as a friend.
3) Interested in a long-term relationship.
4) Interested in a sexual relationship.

Here?s the interesting part: If a woman sees a man as a good potential ?long-term? mate, she?ll usually hold back the sex.

On the other hand, if she gets sexually involved with a man, she?ll usually still be open to a long-term relationship.

Most men who want sex make the mistake of doing things like taking women to dinner, buying them gifts, and being romantic. This behavior triggers the ?Hey, this guy is good long-term material? category in the woman?s mind, and they hold back sex.

But if a man does things to turn a woman on earlier in the game and she gets sexually involved, he can choose where he wants the relationship to go. Are you with me on this one?
Unless his problems with sex is because of religious reasons (in which case i won't recommend otherwise, although i doubt it since he is actually enough in doubt to write the LoveFAQ), I'd simply advice him to get over his reasons and just get on with it. He'll be happier for it, and a lot faster than the celibate approach.

I can't tell him to do it, but i sure as hell can recommend it.
 

Athinira

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Jan 25, 2010
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artanis_neravar said:
Speak for yourself, I was good my first time
While you might have been good in bed on your first time (or you might think you were, who knows), it doesn't mean everyone else is. My first time was horrible, and I'm glad i got better.

"Speak for yourself" works both ways. What works for you might not work for everyone else.
 

DugMachine

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The first story i'm going through as we speak. For 2 months after my breakup I tried to stay friends with my ex but time and time again she threw me to the wayside. I'd be engaged in a conversation with her and if the guy she liked showed up and completely ignored me, mid sentence, and walked away to chase after him. Same if a friend of hers showed up. History or not, you just don't do that to people while they're talking. It pissed me off to such a point and I cut all ties. Facebook, Twitter, Skype, phone. I still see her at the University and I keep it as simple as a "Hello" and if we do talk I keep it very shallow and get bored easily enough that she gets the clue to walk away. I'm much happier now.