I Love You So Much I Might Even Call Sometime

Aureliano

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I'll try to keep this short, but I really like most of this article.

On #1: Absolutely great advice. The ex who treats you like a resource and doesn't do anything for you in return has ceased to care about you or your feelings.

#2: Communication! If you don't like something about your relationship with somebody, by all means speak up! The sooner the better, too. Use tact, use diplomacy, be understanding, but voice your opinions. Odds are excellent that the other person is not annoying you on purpose but doesn't know their behavior bothers you.

#3: Erm. Lots of responses in the comments thread here, not sure if they're all helpful. Pro tip: high pressure is a bad thing to combine with sex. Pressuring people not to have sex or to have sex will pretty much always make things scary and will rarely have the desired effect.

That being said, it's your body and your sex life. Sex is the best. But if you're not ready for it, it can also be awful (and yes boys, that can include you too). My recommendation: don't let any authority figure AT ALL or anyone else tell you when the right time in your life to have sex is or whether or not you should. Caveat: always make sure you have your partner's permission of course.
 

antipunt

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Jan 3, 2009
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Personally, I think the advice this week was really solid. I'd recommend it fully to anyone who is reading it.

She hits a lot of good points. For #1, Lara is correct in that you are being used. Like she said, it's emotionally tough to get out of because it's unfamiliar and feels like you're going upstream; but you really need to stand firm and assure yourself that it's definitely the right choice in the long run (do it exactly as she states; keep the drama low, keep the interactions civil and short as possible).

The reason why #2 is helpful too is because she hits a very important point. First off:

I wouldn't worry much - I'm kind of like that too. I can't speak for the dude in the letter, but I can in my case a lot of it is that I don't like bothering people when they don't want to be bothered so I tend to let people start conversations with me, unless there's something I specifically want to talk about it or ask.
This mentality is actually more common than you think. Lara is correct in saying that talking about issues openly is many times the best solution (a golden rule generally). I had a friend who used to be like this, until he hit a 'revelation' (someone told him) that people actually liked him calling them. Originally he thought it'd be more 'polite' to only receive calls (he probably assumes that you call him whenever you want, and when you don't, you're too busy with something else)
 

FallenPrism

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Jan 7, 2009
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That part about going into convulsions just at the thought of calling in a pizza - that's literally me. My hands would shake just holding the phone. For pizza. (I'm sure it confused the hell out of my dad.) Took me years to get over it (I attribute a lot of that to going away to college, having to fend entirely for myself, and having amazing friends who broke me out of my shell.

But I know from experience: sometimes the scariest thing you can imagine is hitting that last digit without hanging up.
 

artanis_neravar

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Athinira said:
artanis_neravar said:
Speak for yourself, I was good my first time
(or you might think you were, who knows)
If you can't tell when your woman(man?) is orgasming then...something about not having sex, I'm not really sure what I meant to write after that I'm kind of drunk.
antipunt said:
This mentality is actually more common than you think. Lara is correct in saying that talking about issues openly is many times the best solution (a golden rule generally). I had a friend who used to be like this, until he hit a 'revelation' (someone told him) that people actually liked him calling them. Originally he thought it'd be more 'polite' to only receive calls (he probably assumes that you call him whenever you want, and when you don't, you're too busy with something else)
Indeed, I used to be this way, In fact I still kind of am. In fact I still have trouble talking to my crush (outside of in person or course) because I'm constantly analyzing everything I think about saying. And for the last part, the girl i am crushign on is overly polite, aka won't quite her job at target without 2 weeks notice because it's "impolite".
DugMachine said:
The first story i'm going through as we speak. For 2 months after my breakup I tried to stay friends with my ex but time and time again she threw me to the wayside. I'd be engaged in a conversation with her and if the guy she liked showed up and completely ignored me, mid sentence, and walked away to chase after him. Same if a friend of hers showed up. History or not, you just don't do that to people while they're talking. It pissed me off to such a point and I cut all ties. Facebook, Twitter, Skype, phone. I still see her at the University and I keep it as simple as a "Hello" and if we do talk I keep it very shallow and get bored easily enough that she gets the clue to walk away. I'm much happier now.
My ex expected me to 1. talk her through going out with her new guy ( only a month after we broke up), 2. still deal with all of her drama, 3. focus all of my attention on her even when I was dealing with things myself (like my grandfather dying)
 

Avatar Roku

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Jul 9, 2008
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To number 3, I'd say this; the advice given to you was good. But don't underestimate the power sex can have. I'm in a relationship right now and we love each other. As far as I was concerned, I could have been with her forever without needing sex (not to say I didn't want it, lord knows I did, but it was not a priority). And then we had sex and it was better for both of us than either of us could have imagined.

My point is, really examine why you want to go without sex. If it's just so you can pat yourself on the back for being a virgin, I'd advise you to reconsider. It's far too important a part of a relationship to skip just because.
 

babinro

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Sep 24, 2010
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Number 2 sounds like me.

When I was with my girlfriend for almost two years we talked on the phone maybe 3 times, all of which initiated by her. She respected the fact that I'm not comfortable on the phone and kept it as a means of emergency contact only. This was probably hard on her cause she was the sort that could spend hours on the phone for fun.
 

Athinira

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Jan 25, 2010
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artanis_neravar said:
If you can't tell when your woman(man?) is orgasming then...something about not having sex, I'm not really sure what I meant to write after that I'm kind of drunk.
Oh please, this is like people trying to tell you that they are good at telling when a person is lying, when in fact it's proven that most people are only capable of doing that accurately 54% of the time.

I'm just going to simply say that:
1) You can always get cheated, unless she literally comes so hard it's unmistakeable
2) You're not as good at this as you think you are. No-one is.
 

AbstractStream

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Feb 18, 2011
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To: Tired of Being Nice,
I have nothing to say. Lara said everything perfectly.

To: Health Bar,
The best way to go is just to ignore all those people who are telling you that you're gonna fail. You're not going to fail, no worries. And kudos to you, man.
 

artanis_neravar

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Athinira said:
artanis_neravar said:
If you can't tell when your woman(man?) is orgasming then...something about not having sex, I'm not really sure what I meant to write after that I'm kind of drunk.
Oh please, this is like people trying to tell you that they are good at telling when a person is lying, when in fact it's proven that most people are only capable of doing that accurately 54% of the time.

I'm just going to simply say that:
1) You can always get cheated, unless she literally comes so hard it's unmistakeable
2) You're not as good at this as you think you are. No-one is.
1) It is a physical reaction so the signs are there if you care to look for them, and unless you are preforming poorly and she is no longer aroused, chances are she isn't going to be in the right frame of mind for that kind of deception.

2) Or some people are exactly as good as they say they are because they are honest with themselves about what they are good at and what they aren't
 

RvLeshrac

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Oct 2, 2008
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I like that everyone is saying #1 is a "doormat." The reality of the situation is that there are other people involved (the rest of the school), and looking like he's suddenly being a dick to her may have repercussions far beyond their situation.

I've certainly known people who ran businesses that have had them run into the ground by a vengeful ex. I'm not saying she's going to take this to that level, but I'm quite certain that's in the back of his mind.

Add to that the fact that he'll suddenly be treating her like a complete stranger in front of others at the school who may be attending based on their view of him, and she's not the only one he has to worry about taking things the wrong way.

There's a further factor here that may need to be considered: Did he *ASK* her to go to the ER with him? I have a few friends that, while they certainly won't just call me up and see if I need anything, are happy to help -- if I ask them.
 

Draconalis

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Sep 11, 2008
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I want a follow up on Nice to hear how that worked out for him.

It's sound advice.
 

Ophenix

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I was up till last week in a similar state to "Hit Itself In Its Confusion!"
I'm seeing a charming guy that I really like and when we are together everything is perfect. I mean Disney perfect, there are birds chirping and violins play when we hold hands. But then I'd get back home and... nothing.
I don't mean nothing, he does call and he does reply to my texts but he always felt like he is holding back, or restraining himself.

At some point I got pissed off and talked to him about it. I told him I'm feeling mixed signals from him and that I want to know what is going on between us. Apparently he just felt shy and a bit overwhelmed by me. He said he hadn't felt this way towards someone since his mythical ex and though I was quite clear with my feelings he wasn't sure I was being genuine or that once I know what he is really like that I will like him less.

Yeah, it was that simple, we liked each other too much and so we acted like idiots.
Conclusion? Talk about these things. It can only do you good.
 

Lukeje

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Feb 6, 2008
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artanis_neravar said:
Speak for yourself, I was good my first time
...so you're as good in the sack now as you were the first time? Generally when you practice at things you're supposed to get better at them...
 

Towels

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Feb 21, 2010
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Letter #1)
Maybe there's some under lying issue here since there is a Judo club involved... Maybe she's trying to emotionally "conquer" or "challenge" her teacher? And even if not, she's seems to be trying to dominate the dude.
 

artanis_neravar

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Lukeje said:
artanis_neravar said:
Speak for yourself, I was good my first time
...so you're as good in the sack now as you were the first time? Generally when you practice at things you're supposed to get better at them...
being good, does not mean you can't get better
 

Lukeje

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artanis_neravar said:
Lukeje said:
artanis_neravar said:
Speak for yourself, I was good my first time
...so you're as good in the sack now as you were the first time? Generally when you practice at things you're supposed to get better at them...
being good, does not mean you can't get better
That's exactly my point. You responded with a non-sequitur.