I need Beta Readers.

Saint of M

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Amazing what going AFK with school and a computer dying lets you discover after a while.

@Drathnoxis and Elvis Starburst


So far Evilroy seems to be the only one that wants to take the time to check it out. Frankly this kind of critique I have been getting in this thread is the kind of thing I am looking for. Its honest, brutally honest most of the time, and if I am want to do this I am going to want to do this that won't insult someone's intelligence. If I can get them to suspend disbelief, awesome. Call bullshit, not so much.'

That said, this is making me wonder if I should put this on the back burner and try to convert my Warhammer Fantasy Fan fiction on Druchii.net into something not warhammer related. In the process of that world building and have something also ready to be covered in red ink in this area.

@
Specter Von Baren
SckizoBoy
Elvis Starburst

Where to beguine but all very valid concerns, which means I am fairly nearsighted at how much of an uphill battle this is. I won't be the first or the last person to go "I am going to have my own X, but with Blackjack and Hookers," but it sounds like this might be more of a turn off than I was expecting, and will keep this in mind in future projects

My origional thoughts were we have seen this kind of thing done better elsewhere a dozen times if not more. X-Men, Harry Potter, My Hero, Misfit at Demon King Academy, Percy Jackson, and more. Its just sucks that this couldn't be botherd to do it right and I wanted to make a crack at making doing that while not making it too much a carbon copy of everything else.

At more specifics
I'll give my 2 cents based on your summary.

I find it much more interesting to see super powers and what they can't do rather than what they can. Restrictions breed much more interesting scenarios, even Superman, who everyone touts as the biggest example of too much power DOES have a gigantic restriction on him which is his own morality and desire to be a normal person. My favorite anime is Darker Than Black and in it there are people with super powers but it comes with a cost of everything from OCD like acts from earmarking pages in a book or drinking the blood of children or even physical effects like growing older. If you're going to have people with big time super powers then there needs to be a cost to it of some sort. Maybe these kinds of people need something called "Energy X" and without it they can't use their powers, would make it so the story is driven by a constant search for this rare energy so different factions can fuel their super powered people, something like that. Could even have it so without it they die and so then you have it so even good hearted people can be pulled into doing things they don't want to because of pure survival.
The cost so far is built in and you see it. Using abilities is like performing music or an exercise. Practice and exercising these abilities can mean the difference between sounding like Sir Elton John and William Hung.

It can also be exhausting. While most limits are based on one's imagination, others its like working out in a yard, going on a good hike, or doing a sporting event. Chances are you are going home hungry, thirsty, and tired. And if you over due it injuries. Yes, the lead will have plot armor and I will try as many ways to numerously try to break him, but he has limits on what he can do and now its to get passed those limitations.

Even those that seem to be on the various Alpha Tears (categories are based on Greek Alphabet, closer to Alpha the higher you are, and the alphas have their own sub categories).

The other is mental aptitude. Anyone can learn a martial art or shoot very good. Neither means you are going be good in an actual fight with them, and when war does come ( and it will come in latter books) many will find just how out of their depth they are. Just two above average guys just surviving the placement exams have to go through a ton of food stuff (diabetic inducing size sodas, largest buckets of popcorn they have seen, entire trays of nachos, box of artificially grown meat) just to maintain their normal build and one of them is built like a Olympic runner.

Near the end, one of the big bads of the story is about to have a literal nuclear meltdown after being pushed too far (something unheard of and something no one can survive).



Going on Skizoboy's concerns, it depends but most people seem to treat these kids and adults either as weapons of mass destruction to be used or be dealt with like the rest of the conventional ones (shoved into a big rocket and hurled into the nearest sun). There is an inter-planet conference where one of the speakers recounts atrocities done in the name of victory, where kids not old enough to have the sex would be given training from hell, then when they do get pubescent sent in to be one man genocidal armies. As things progressed and the big overblown war allowed more levelheaded folk to take over, this was lessened but you still see the scars and the reputation still holds true. Granted most of these "Transcended" are almost normal human in powers and abilities, and the ones that do have powers would be hanging out with Numan RIder in One Punch Man.


The last of these wars turned the birth country of the protagonist into a strip of territory called the War Torn. THink an area of land the size of California but its what would happen if Somalia and Mad Max had a baby.

As for how crapsack, in most places simply by being an alpha you can throw your weight around and no one will bother you because you'll be needed for both studying your abilities in the feild and frankly loosing one would be on par with throwing stealth bomber away. There are cases where enough is enough, and you get sent to a bleak planet used as a prison colony. Others places are better, and would treat things much better.

Though the farther away from Earth you are, the more freedom you have as that a complete and utter singular dictatorship. They still have control over the other worlds, but they allow them to do their own thing as its profitable.

Other aphas, ones that are less sociopaths, might also step in and take out a bullying problem, and treat different areas of the school this will largely take place in. as their own fiefdoms.

While those with these powers harness them on their own prior to high school, its once you are there that you are forced to do so under a school system. I also explain why have normal school stuff when these kids should be learning how to harness their raw power and its because A.) The mind is the key to their abilities and a stronger mind means a stronger Transcended, and B.) most will probably be civilian jobs.

Those with alpha abilities often stay longer than say the normal high school years to both harness their powers, help the next generation of transcended, and do so in a place that doesn't treat them like monsters.