I think I'm in love with my roommate...

[life misfit]

I am a young man in kind of a rough situation dealing with affairs of the heart. Just recently I moved in with some friends of mine, a few guys I know and a cool girl. She is single, first of all. (I have no intention of going after a truly unavailable woman). I had no real romantic feelings for her going into this arrangement, but now that it has progressed I really want to have something serious with her. I have no idea what to do now because even though I want something romantic, she has shown no interest and told me early on (before I had these feelings) that she never could see me in that way. It's understandable. In all honesty, I've never had a relationship, so I know that I lack the skills to woo anyone.
I know I should just drop it and move on, but this always seems to be how my affections work. I befriend a really awesome girl, become interested, realize she's not, and then I'm fixated on her alone. I have reached the point of fixation now and am having serious trouble just letting this one go. I want more than anything to be with her and to make her happy, but in the position I am in now, I stay silent. And in that silence, my affections are being twisted into bitterness and cynicism. Even now I am beginning to anger her and push her away with some of the things I say and do, seemingly without thought. It's like an uncontrollable reflex of my brain to tell me to sabotage what I have now so I can start fighting my depression and move on to the next inevitable crash.
The last problem here is that seeing her around all the time in everything from pajamas to formal wear, my intense sexual frustration is getting to me. It is not that I fantasize about having sex with her, it's just that I find myself wanting to. Is that wrong of me to feel that way? I mean, the emotions I feel for her are genuine, but this sexual desire for her is sort of a new experience for me... Aside from that, she really is what I want in a woman. Low key, cute, fun, smart, and complements my nature, rather than mirroring it. She has a lot of what I don't; namely, right brain activity. She is artistic and creative, but also overly self-critical.
Anyway, what I came on here to ask is: can anyone give me advice on what I should do? Do I tell her how I feel and accept her response as it is, or do I keep my mouth shut and eat myself up inside? Is it worth it to sacrifice such a great friendship for something romantic that will probably never be? I still have a fair bit of time to live with her and I don't want it to be super weird. I don't know what I should do here and I am looking for any sort of constructive advice. "Stop being a pussy," while good advice, is not quite helpful or constructive for me at this point, considering how strongly I feel for her. I truly want nothing more than to make her happy.

Sorry for dropping this heavy stuff on you, readers, but I don't know where else to turn. Call me a wuss if you like, but I think I love her.


I can't explain...

 

[Foolery]

That's not love, dude. That's a crush. And a pretty obsessive to almost creepy one, no offence. Nothing terribly wrong with having the hots for someone, but damn man, the way you're going about it, if she's not interested, leave it be.

 

[Just_A_COMS_Major]

That's not love, dude. That's a crush. And a pretty obsessive to almost creepy one, no offence. Nothing terribly wrong with having the hots for someone, but damn man, the way you're going about it, if she's not interested, leave it be.

That's a good point. This post is a little over the top here. I think everyone can understand an intense infatuation and long for someone, but this takes it a little far. If you think you can change her mind, then go for it, but be subtle about it. Test the waters again. And definitely don't focus on the sex here because that could destroy the friendship, let alone the potential for something more. Don't live and die for this "could be" thing; really think about what you're feeling here.

 

[Karhukonna]

I know I should just drop it and move on

Yes, you should. If she isn't interested, you're wasting your time and energy.

The last problem here is that seeing her around all the time in everything from pajamas to formal wear, my intense sexual frustration is getting to me. It is not that I fantasize about having sex with her, it's just that I find myself wanting to. Is that wrong of me to feel that way? I mean, the emotions I feel for her are genuine, but this sexual desire for her is sort of a new experience for me...

Well, that's hormones and an unsatisfied sexual appetite, right there. I'm tempted to just write "Get laid" here, but that really is terrible advice. It would help, but I'm guessing you don't have sex regularly at the moment.

Anyway, what I came on here to ask is: can anyone give me advice on what I should do? Do I tell her how I feel and accept her response as it is, or do I keep my mouth shut and eat myself up inside?

Discussion and dialogue are always good. It's the adult, right way to go about most things. Getting rejected is never fun, but it becomes easier to deal with it with experience.

I still have a fair bit of time to live with her and I don't want it to be super weird. I don't know what I should do here and I am looking for any sort of constructive advice.

If you tell her how it is, it might get weird. Really weird. Keeping your mouth shut about these things will drive you mad, and only maybe she won't pick up the signs. It's eerie, but the ladies have a way of knowing these things.

but I think I love her.

I know hearing this from a random anonymous forumgoer is not very convincing, but this is not love. This is raw attraction, your hormones doing their thing. A crush, at best. Not love, not yet.

I truly want nothing more than to make her happy.

When I was in your shoes, my friend gave me the following sagely advice.


Let her go.

Maybe it'll hurt, maybe you'll feel relieved. But at least you'll be doing something besides just lamenting things online.

 

[Savagezion]

I befriend a really awesome girl, become interested, realize she's not, and then I'm fixated on her alone. I have reached the point of fixation now and am having serious trouble just letting this one go.

This is beyond where you want it to go. Being fixated on her alone is a bad idea despite how romantic you may think it is. You don't have anything to commit to with her yet. If you were in a relationship with her, this is useful. However, since you are not, this is not useful - it's actually bad and probably what is causing your "bitter and cynical" attitude; out of resentment. You need to figure out how to dispose of that for your sake and hers.

If you are having a really hard time and she is cool, just get a second alone with her and tell her you have developed feelings and are trying to sort them out and apologize for being a dick if you have been. You have to remember your feelings ain't her fault. Those are yours to deal with, not hers. I know that is blunt but you need to hone in on something grounded here. Your head is in some dreamy cloudy places right now and you are gonna have to let reality bring you back down to Earth eventually. Otherwise, it will come crashing down, and its better to come back on your own terms.

Make of that what you can.

You can still pursue her, just don't delude yourself into thinking it is emotional effort is the key.

 

[SuperUberBob]

Find another girl. We are way overstocked on ourselves. Do enough looking around and you'll find one who will draw your interest and perhaps that interest will be mutual.

 

[renegade7]

As someone who has made the mistake of not moving on from a crush on a friend and suffered the consequences, don't try to create feelings that aren't there.

Look, maybe there's a 0.5% chance that maybe if you say exactly the right thing at exactly the right time then she'll start feeling the same way about you. But that also leaves a 99.5% chance that you'll end up seriously disappointed and more than a little embarrassed. You'll keep trying to impress her with cute remarks and nice gestures, and each time it inevitably doesn't work you'll just feel worse about yourself. You'll do nothing but trash your self-esteem and make it that much harder to really find someone.

Basically, you're locked into a deadly cycle. You fall for someone that things don't work out with, for whatever reason. Then you let that get to you and make you depressed, and you try to fight the rejection-induced depression by fighting the rejection and trying to "make" someone be in love with you.

As someone who dealt with this struggle all through my teen years, I say it's important that you need to break the cycle. There's an underlying self-esteem problem that you need to deal with. It's not about forcing the feelings down and hoping they'll go away, because I understand how real the feels are, but you need to think rationally and objectively about what is causing you to repeatedly fall into this pattern. When you address that, these all-consuming crushes will stop on their own, and with time and (most importantly!) PATIENCE, you'll find someone who things will work out with.

It also might help to just get out and meet more women now. Don't think of every interesting girl as someone you might want a relationship with, real relationships don't work that way, think of them as someone to just meet and have a conversation or two with. Some people will want to keep hanging out with you, and unless you're a movie star most won't be interested, that's just life: but play it right, and you'll be satisfied enough with the successes that the failures won't bother you. Sooner or later you'll find real interest in a person and not just a crush.

 

[Simalacrum]

I think it may be a bad idea even if she was interested in you.

Problem about dating your roommate is that, if something goes wrong in the relationship, theres very little privacy and space between the two of you to sort it out. Heck, if you have a bad break up with her the tension within the house could become unbearable.

So, yeah I'm with everyone else here? I'd drop it. Do not go down that path.

edit: befriending her and being friendly with them can help as well. I have an itsy-bitsy tiny crush on one of my housemates (nothing like 'love' or anything, I just think she's attractive and I get along with her), but I have no intention of pushing it further? but, even so, its good fun to be around her and talk with her and stuff. Just being friends can be a good laugh as well.

 

[CakeBago]

she has shown no interest and told me early on that she never could see me in that way. It's understandable.

Dude, just let this quote remind you that she's not interested.

Find another lady that meets your standards, your roommate is not the only one who has those qualities that you want in a woman. Remember that the world is big - you will never run out of women to date.

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

As someone who has had similar problems in the past, I think it's important to be honest with yourself. A lot of people here and elsewhere are going to give you very, very sound advice, but it might not be advice you are capable of following. If you possess the self-awareness to recognize your inability to handle this situation in the best possible way, you might have to settle for a less ideal solution.

In other words: you knew your best course of action before you posted. Now that others have confirmed what it is you should do, spend some time thinking about whether or not you can do it. It'd be a wonderful world if everyone could control their feelings all the time, but that's not generally how humanity rolls. If you're crazy about this girl, and you've already admitted she doesn't feel the same way, you really shouldn't be spending any time around her - not if you're trying to avoid being miserable.

The most "mature" thing to do? Maintain your friendship with no expectations of romance. Be the best darn guy in the world, aw shucks! The most realistic/feasible option? That depends on you. If you're going to keep feeling the way you feel for months on end, you should probably think about changing up your living situation. Worst case scenario, you use this painful experience as a reminder never to be roommates with a girl you aren't dating again. Sounds harsh, but not everyone is built for it. I know I'm not.