I Want to Understand the Struggles of Asexuals

KyuubiNoKitsune-Hime

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Jan 12, 2010
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UniversalAC said:
I'm sorry, you seem not to know your natural history. Small ground dwelling mammals are thought to have lived alongside the later dinosaurs. The extinction event which destroyed the dinosaurs also killed most of them, but a few species survived, and found their niche. They are our common mammalian ancestors. I don't know why you decided that I was claiming we were related to dinosaurs. Maybe with this new understanding, you can give replying another shot.
The way it's always been explained to me is that those small ground dwelling mammals have a common ancestor with dinosaurs, but took a vastly different evolutionary path. Still since all life on the planet that bares DNA shares mostly the same DNA sequence including plants and fungi, along with animals, that's a rather moot point in general. The way you stated your position made it seem like you think that modern mammals are directly descended from dinosaurs, late, or early that's unlikely. Maybe I misunderstood you.

Anyways all of that is moot, because the point I've been trying to make here is that not all survival strategies contribute to reproductive potential. Some actively work against it. Humans for example normally only produce a single child per pregnancy, which without modern medical technology can lead to fatal infections in the mother. Even if the mother survives you end up with a child that needs constant care for years, combine that with generally single children being produced, along with long gestation period, and what you get is a rather inefficient reproductive cycle. That's all a product of our evolution, that's a series of adaptations that harm our reproductive potential, yet contribute to our overall survivability as a species.

So just because a trait might work against reproduction doesn't necessarily mean it's a dysfunction, it might be a trait that works to preserve the species and improve survivability. Which in this case considering that we're slow maturing and relatively long lived, can be a huge advantage long term for the species as a survival adaptation.
 

BarkBarker

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Eh, it exists and I with no disrespect think a life without such a powerful part of my being being my sexuality and identity as a male is a little weak. I;m sure anybody who in fact is gets on fine but I suppose it is one of those things that's hard to imagine not having when you do. Small issue as with many identifiers of people thinking they are one as an easy answer to their identity issues....and deciding who you are with 100% assuredness at like 18, jesus you don't get to not be called out on potential bullshit cos ur special, everybody of every kind may not have a solid ground who they are for most of their life, a year on tumblr being told this=this doesn't make you anymore an expert than the person doing their first year in sociology who told you this in the first place.
 

KyuubiNoKitsune-Hime

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UniversalAC said:
It's hard to say weather, or not the factors are external, but I'd lean towards external factors being more prevalent causes, at least when linked to internal issues. One big issue people with an asexual prefrence are going to face is that of their family constantly bugging them about when they're going to settle down and have children. After a certain point that can get extremely depressing, not so much for the nagging, but the feeling of being unable to live up to expectations. Another factor is relationship stability, an asexual person is likely to face issues with maintaining relationships, unless their partner is also asexual. The expectation of sex on the part of one, with the disinterest of the other can lead to severe sexual frustration for the former. Along with that having one party disinterested in sex can lead their partner to feeling like they're not satisfying their partner, or perhaps that their partner is potentially cheating, either of which can also put a huge strain on a relationship. So asexual people are going to more often find them selves without a partner, assuming they have romantic inclinations, and if they don't then they'll find themselves alone, while their friends have partners. This can lead to being frequently single, if not single exclisively, which can lead to soul crushing loneliness. Also not having a sexual attitude can also cause an asexual's friends, family, acquaintances, and professional colleagues to question what's wrong with said asexual person. I don't care how strong a person is, if everyone you know thinks there's something wrong with you, it's not difficult for you to start to wonder if there's truth to the idea, again a hugely depressing situation. Then there are people who'll say you're a liar, then figure you have something to hide and accuse you of having sick sexual fantasies, which is a depressing thing to be accused of.

While there might not be outright hatred, persecution, and discrimination, asexual people are less accepted on a philosophical level. That can lead to deeper emotional issues than you might expect with other sexualities who are openly exposed to persecution. More so due to isolation and misunderstanding than to outright adversarial behavior of others.
 

hentropy

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I consider myself asexual. It's important to keep in mind that asexuals are people who don't want to, for any reason, have sex with other people. They are not necessarily people without any sexual urges whatsoever. Someone with sexual urges but no desire to actually have sex with others is sometimes referred to as a graysexual, or someone whose interest in it changes. We all love to categorize human sexuality into very narrow boxes, but the truth is always more complicated, whether you're talking about gay, straight, asexual.

I don't really like to hem and haw about how hard it is to be an asexual. It comes with problems, the most obvious of which is being pressured to be in relationships, but being unable to find ones that suit you. There has never been any great difficulty in choosing not to participate in relationships, most of the pressure is social. I don't have anything against human contact or romance, but many asexuals are usually forced by circumstance to be single, because even if you did find someone you really liked romantically the chances that they would be okay with having no sex is slim. It comes with less of a social stigma overall because no one really knows just by looking at you.

Obviously, people don't believe it. Personally I'm not particularly concerned if people feel I'm diseased or dysfunctional, so long as no one tries to force me to do something I'm uncomfortable with (which would be defined as rape or sexual assault). If there was a pill or proven procedure that would make me more willing to carry on a sexual relationship without a fair bit of personal anguish, then I would probably take it. But as it is, I'm perfectly happy being sexless.
 

KyuubiNoKitsune-Hime

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UniversalAC said:
Families of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, intersex, infertile, and etc... people generally understand that having children isn't really in the cards for their offspring. Those who don't generally get cut off from the person in question, which causes anguish, but also still contains hope that their loved ones will eventually understand. Asexuals generally don't have that advantage, because we're generally capable of reproduction, and often heteroromantic, or at least biromantic. One thing this does is put up a barrier where the family won't accept asexuality as a reason not to reproduce. That can cause a more hopeless schism in a persons life. Infertility carries far less of a burden, because it's well known to be something that can't be helped on the part of the infertile person, most of the time that is... If the issue can be helped, then the infertile person will seek treatment to rectify the issue, so that they can have children.

Lacking the desire to have sex, does not prevent a person from having sex, it just makes it a non-priority, but it still doesn't stop reproduction. It doesn't even stop the drive to reproduce, it just means sex isn't desired, for someone who wants children this often means though the act isn't desired, it's necessary. Wanting to produce biological off spring and desire for sex are not mutually required after all.

So you can argue it's a dysfunction, but I'd say it's more of a quirk. If you're going to argue anything is a dysfunction then you'd probably have more of a point when it comes to homosexuality. Although I think people might have a bigger moral issue with that stance, as it would come off as homophobic.

hentropy said:
I consider myself asexual. It's important to keep in mind that asexuals are people who don't want to, for any reason, have sex with other people. They are not necessarily people without any sexual urges whatsoever. Someone with sexual urges but no desire to actually have sex with others is sometimes referred to as a graysexual, or someone whose interest in it changes. We all love to categorize human sexuality into very narrow boxes, but the truth is always more complicated, whether you're talking about gay, straight, asexual. Rest of post snipped
That is completely incorrect. Asexuality in humans is defined as a lack of sexual attraction, or absent, or low interest in sexual activity. What you're describing is an active choice to abstain from sex, which is called celibacy, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Celibacy] and it's distinct from asexuality as celibate people still experience sexual attraction, or/and have an innate interest in sexual activity.
 

BarrelsOfDouche

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I had no idea Asexuals had such a difficult time being tolerated...especially considering I've read LGBT give them a hard time. How hypocritical.

If it's not a sexual orientation...then what exactly IS it?
 

KyuubiNoKitsune-Hime

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BarrelsOfDouche said:
I had no idea Asexuals had such a difficult time being tolerated...especially considering I've read LGBT give them a hard time. How hypocritical.

If it's not a sexual orientation...then what exactly IS it?
Well I can't speak for LGB side of things, but I've never seen trans folk criticize unusual sexual orientation, well except for the militant transsexuals who declare that those no desire for sexual reassignment don't count as trans. That's beside the point though the L&G sectors of LGBT also give bisexuals and trans folk a hard time too, even more so than asexuals.

Anyways to answer your question, asexuality can most easily be described as a lack of sexual orientation in general.
 

hentropy

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KyuubiNoKitsune-Hime said:
That is completely incorrect. Asexuality in humans is defined as a lack of sexual attraction, or absent, or low interest in sexual activity. What you're describing is an active choice to abstain from sex, which is called celibacy, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Celibacy] and it's distinct from asexuality as celibate people still experience sexual attraction, or/and have an innate interest in sexual activity.
I do not believe that was what I was describing, I apologize if the way I put it may have confused you or others. Some people who identify as asexual still feel sexual arousal and may still masturbate, but have no interest in sexual acts. Celibacy is the choice to not have sex for other personal or religious reasons, but many of these same people might still have the urge to have sex.
 

Erana

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Piorn said:
What do asexuals do with all their freetime, though? I envy them, really.
Less porn, more gaming, basically.
Though the lack of sex to be had in good dreams means more mundane, but still awesome good dreams. Like last night, I dreamed that I was able to find a great, wrought-iron gazebo to put in my back yard for only $20.

~~~~~

Asexuality is a thing. It means you don't get sexually attracted to anyone, but the reasons behind this can be a lot more complicated. People can just not care for being sexual with others, people can just not want sex at all yet feel attraction towards other in the sense of general affection... Its complicated because its a human thing.

Now, whether it is a disorder or not comes down to the individual, and comes down to whether their sexual orientation is being altered against their own true identity. Let's put it this way: Bob has a magic trinket that makes people gay upon contact. He uses it on Phillip- it is a curse for Phillip, because he was a very heterosexual man, and all the sudden he's not himself. Its a roadblock to his relationship with his girlfriend, his own self-expression, and in general whom he is. This is sudden, and without his control or consent.

But Bob uses the magic gay trinket on Joe, and it doesn't have any effect, because Joe is already gay. He's comfortable with his homosexuality. He has a happy life with his boyfriend, he can continue to express himself as a man whose homosexuality just happens to inform his worldview. (Though I should point out that, even if Joe weren't comfortable with his homosexuality, zapping him with a straight trinket wouldn't magically fix his problems- orientation and identity isn't that simple)

Same thing goes for asexuals- they're like Joe in that they experience the world through an atypical sexual orientation all their life. Their perspective on sexuality is normal to them, and has been all their life. It doesn't cause any more distress than any other sexuality (or lack theirof) can. Poor libido is a disorder when its like with Phillip- a lack of sex drive being there when it shouldn't be, physically and/or psychologically.

Now, something I do want to say here, though a lot of people either deny or use to insist that asexuality isn't real is that asexuality can change. Asexuals tend to be people whom either have atypical "normal" levels for certain chemicals and hormones or are atypically sensitive or insensitive to normal levels of certain things. (the latter of which, for some reason, the medical community is only now beginning to acknowledge, and even then only because it relates to the lucrative field of fertility medicine) This is a fact that I, as someone whom does have a tangible hormone issue, have had to consider in regards to my asexual identity. As I proceeded to get the detrimental symptoms of my health issues treated, the possibility of suddenly being sexual was very real.

And this highlights exactly what asexuals face, as while I'm wondering how this matter could change my relationship to the world, no one got it. At first, its people telling me that I'm just young, naive and/or childish, and my lack of interest in sex is an indicator that my worldview is very unrealistic. Then, as I started being too old for people to dismiss as some cute little girl, its taken as my being some antisex extremist, (I admittedly look very domestic woman-ish in noncasual attire) am sick, or am just lying because I'm to rude or threatened by dealing with the tension of twenty-something dating scene tension.

I admit, I do kind of just opt-out of a lot of the social stuff regarding dating and such, but at this point it is pretty darn threatening for me. I never did the dating stuff as a kid. I never got through the awkward crush phase when you get used to what it feels like to think you've fallen in love. Don't pretend it isn't kind of a big factor in life- if you think it isn't, go ask a single gay person what its like to be the only homosexual at most of their favorite haunts when they're interested in a relationship. Its alienating to have a different perspective that a lot of people don't believe exists, but now, should my hormones change and I develop sexual interests, I'm way far behind in a curb in a game that I don't even want to participate in.

Imagine you're minding your own business playing your favorite FPS, when someone suddenly makes WoW the only game you can play, makes you have to play PvP, and everyone else on the server has been playing since Burning Crusade.
And the only thing you know about WoW is what you've gleaned from it being a big freaking deal to your gamer friends since you were twelve.

TBH, that's all I figure it would be, since despite my various weird levels being "normal" now, I'm still quite asexual. Relieving, I suppose, but it would still probably be easier to just be straight. All orientations are a doozy, but if I were straight, I'd have plenty of perspectives to draw from.

And really, I'm not going to say that asexuals are some horribly persecuted people; we aren't. Other than being assholes about it, people don't do much to asexuals. But that doesn't make it not a struggle in its own right. What are you supposed to think of yourself when you're feeling things different from those around you as you mature? How are you supposed to express your gender identity when so much of it is about marriage and getting laid? How do you say "no" when you don't know what you would say yes to?

Well, at the moment, asexuals basically just have to figure it all out for themselves. And yeah, "just figure it out" is kinda a huge part of the human experience as a whole, but we have thousands of years put into our cultures, literature, and the likes to deal with matters of the human experience from the monumental, like birth and death, to the mundane, such as disliking what is for dinner.
Asexuality? Not so much, seeing as we're supposed to be a pretty small percentage of the population. Which is why I feel that it is appropriate to try to include them into the whole LGBT community. Many people seem to miss the overarching point of a queer community, focusing on the anti-discrimination efforts, the "it gets better" campaign (whose message resonates beyond just orientation at this point)and such. While certainly admirable, the point of "lumping together" these varied identities is to help each other understand themselves. The LGBT community isn't totally all up in the know regarding asexuals in my experience, but they at least seem to be actively trying. (which is totally understandable, seeing as asexuality as a demographic is only very recently a known thing)

Even if society progresses to the point where we finally stop giving damns over orientation, gender and the likes, the LGBT community will still be important because going through things without the firsthand experiences of others is hard. Even in a hypothetical queer-friendly future, straight people will still wind up with gay kids. And no matter how good these parents are, they're not going to have lived through the same things that their homosexual child will. With LGBT support, these parents can provide guidance for their child in one facet of life that can leave people feeling terribly lost or confused. We're social animals after all. Some even hypothesize that menopause developed explicitly to ensure the existence of grandparents in society- if we're that wired for working together, why not take advantage of it?

Again, I've never been threatened or discriminated against in any meaningful way over my asexuality, but I've still been without anyone I can go to for first-hand advice on how to deal with what I'm (not) feeling. The only asexuals I know are online and are basically my age. I've gotten great support from my family, past teachers and professors and even now with some medical professionals, but... I dunno. I know its one of these things that are troubling me on a deep level, but I have no way to get the perspective needed to even know what it is that's bothering me. Its not gonna kill me or make me depressed or launch into an existential crisis,(there's many far more dire things to worry about) but asexuality still tints the lenses through which I experience reality, and I wish I would just hurry up in understanding it to a more serviceable degree.