Well for starters if you want to start a family it's not going to be easy with a transsexual so I'm pretty sure most people would want to know that before getting committed to that level.
If someone is a post-op transsexual, are they obligated to tell the person they are pursuing/dating?
- Thread starter axlryder
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I feel like it's a "yes", but it doesn't have to be said immediately. But it should be required for a long-term or serious relationship.
This is something I have gone over and over in my head about. I hear from a lot of people how important something like this is, and how it is "such a big thing" that you should never hide.
However, I can't accept that. "Why" is it such a big thing? I understand the whole "deceiving" aspect of it being bad. But the reason for that deception in the first place seems to come from a place to protect oneself. At least, that is how it seems for me.
I would like to say that a person is not obligated to say and their potential partner has fallen in love with who they are, not some coded "what they used to be." (Especially in the OP's mention of someone passing perfectly, in that if they say nothing, no one else would know anything, but that's a very specific case.)
I suppose the best way I can put, at least from my own feelings/perspective is like this:
If someone was sexually assaulted (I know, this is a bit of a stretch and my utmost apologies for anyone this offends, I know it is distasteful path) and all the legal/emotional "bad place" of that is behind them, are they obligated to tell any partners of that history?
Let me add a little more personal details to it: What if they have tried to leave that all behind them as best they can? They aren't a strong enough person to own it, so they have to try and forget it in order to live. Otherwise, they just go into a place of pain and darkness, resenting themself for something that ultimately isn't really their fault.
(Do you see the connection I am trying to make?)
Is it really wrong to hide something others deem important? Maybe.. probably.
But, in the right circumstances, I don't think I would blame anyone for wanting to hide it, either.
Who someone is in the now that someone else has fallen in love with is what matters. A person's past shouldn't entirely matter unless it somehow can hurt the present, but.. something like this can't hurt the present unless people try to make it something painful.
(My apologies for any bad grammar. ^_^; )
However, I can't accept that. "Why" is it such a big thing? I understand the whole "deceiving" aspect of it being bad. But the reason for that deception in the first place seems to come from a place to protect oneself. At least, that is how it seems for me.
I would like to say that a person is not obligated to say and their potential partner has fallen in love with who they are, not some coded "what they used to be." (Especially in the OP's mention of someone passing perfectly, in that if they say nothing, no one else would know anything, but that's a very specific case.)
I suppose the best way I can put, at least from my own feelings/perspective is like this:
If someone was sexually assaulted (I know, this is a bit of a stretch and my utmost apologies for anyone this offends, I know it is distasteful path) and all the legal/emotional "bad place" of that is behind them, are they obligated to tell any partners of that history?
Let me add a little more personal details to it: What if they have tried to leave that all behind them as best they can? They aren't a strong enough person to own it, so they have to try and forget it in order to live. Otherwise, they just go into a place of pain and darkness, resenting themself for something that ultimately isn't really their fault.
(Do you see the connection I am trying to make?)
Is it really wrong to hide something others deem important? Maybe.. probably.
But, in the right circumstances, I don't think I would blame anyone for wanting to hide it, either.
Who someone is in the now that someone else has fallen in love with is what matters. A person's past shouldn't entirely matter unless it somehow can hurt the present, but.. something like this can't hurt the present unless people try to make it something painful.
(My apologies for any bad grammar. ^_^; )
Sexual assault is something that happens to you that you don't have control over and, unless it results in an STD or the like, I don't see how it would ever affect your partner's feelings for you. Choosing to go through surgeries so that your physicality matches the gender in your brain is a conscious choice that you make to change yourself. It's not wrong in my eyes, but it's in no way comparable to being sexually assaulted.Epiku said:
As for the OP.. I say yes. I believe very strongly that a post-op transsexual has the obligation to tell someone they are dating even somewhat seriously. I've taken so long to answer because I can't put my finger on why I feel so strongly about it. It just seems wrong to hide something like that in my opinion. I know that I, personally, would be extremely upset if I found out someone I'd been dating seriously was a post-op transsexual and didn't tell me. Not in the "Icky, gross, no homo!" way.. but, I'd feel completely betrayed.
I won't lie; Transsexualism creeps me out. A lot.
I wouldn't try to stop anyone who wanted to undergo sex change surgery, of course, but I want no part of it myself. If I somehow found myself in a relationship with a post-op transexual and they neglected to tell me so, I'd consider it a massive breach of trust.
I wouldn't try to stop anyone who wanted to undergo sex change surgery, of course, but I want no part of it myself. If I somehow found myself in a relationship with a post-op transexual and they neglected to tell me so, I'd consider it a massive breach of trust.
See, this is why I thought I had taken quite a distasteful route.requisitename said:
You are right in what you say. I was more trying to compare the pain of being brought back to a horrible place, and, yes, some TG people are okay with that title, okay with that life. But others, just want to have it in their past. (perhaps I should have used a "killed another human in wartime" thing, but many people can get upset with that, too. My apologies. ;_; )
For some, it is a conscious choice to "go through with surgeries" in the way that it is conscious choice to choose life over death. (for some, not all, I can only speak from the perspective I understand.)
I can understand the being upset over feeling deceived or betrayed. That's where I see the "honesty is the best policy" way.
But, I also see the amount of pain something like that can bring up in the TG person. It is something that can kill them (emotionally and maybe literally if they are suicidal over it).
But then that always brings up the question of if they are so willing to deceive, then are they worthy of love anyways? And.. that's where I get hung up.
But I do see how it is a betrayal of trust and how many would be upset to learn their partner deceived them.
Yes, if you're a post-op transsexual then you should have to tell. Sooner the better.
It might be a problem for the person you're dating, and it's better to know that before serious emotional investment has been allowed to happen. Further, as far as I'm concerned, if you haven't disclosed and you allow your unwitting partner to have sex with you, you should be liable for some sort of criminal conviction if it later turns out to be a problem. I believe that valid consent cannot be given by a partner of yours unless they know that you're post-op.
It might be a problem for the person you're dating, and it's better to know that before serious emotional investment has been allowed to happen. Further, as far as I'm concerned, if you haven't disclosed and you allow your unwitting partner to have sex with you, you should be liable for some sort of criminal conviction if it later turns out to be a problem. I believe that valid consent cannot be given by a partner of yours unless they know that you're post-op.
I don't view it as necessarily distasteful. I apologize if I came across that way. I just don't see them as at all comparable.Epiku said:
I can see killing someone in wartime as being much more comparable because it is technically a choice you make (regardless of the reasons). I don't think there's really a good analogy, though.I have a friend who was transgendered in high school and is now a guy. He and I have discussed at length what went into the decision making process and I must admit that, although I accept it and I'm glad he's happy, I don't understand it at all. I really think it's something that you probably *can't* truly understand unless it's part of your own life. I would think, for instance, that once you've made the decision and gone through with it, it would be so freeing to be able to be who you are. But, as I said, I can't claim to understand it.
As for worthy of love.. I really think that everyone is, regardless of what they do. It's perfectly possible, however, to love someone and not want to be with them because they deceived you.
I would expect to be told such a thing, but then I would expect for such a thing such as not being able to have children to come up at least a month into a serious relationship, means I don't have to worry about taking contraception.
In the short term no, especially if sex doesn't come up.
But in a longer relationship I think honesty is important.
That said it probably wouldn't matter to me that much since I'm not sure I want kids, and If the relationship had gotten that far without the influence of booze and whatnot then they've obviously fooled me.
Heck if you met this girl
http://www.sarinavalentina.info/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/sarina-valentina-012.jpg
just walking down the street, would you ever think she was born a boy? She was and I wouldn't care.
But in a longer relationship I think honesty is important.
That said it probably wouldn't matter to me that much since I'm not sure I want kids, and If the relationship had gotten that far without the influence of booze and whatnot then they've obviously fooled me.
Heck if you met this girl
http://www.sarinavalentina.info/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/sarina-valentina-012.jpg
just walking down the street, would you ever think she was born a boy? She was and I wouldn't care.
Well, I'm pretty sure the state of modern surgery means it will become obvious as soon as they decide to have sex, so it's probably a good idea to broach the subject before then. As much as cosmetic surgery has improved, doctors still cannot, to my knowledge, give people new, functional genitalia. Whatever discussing that in advance would do to the relationship is nothing compared to what it would do if left to be a surprise.
personally I think that they do need to tell them that their infertile fairly soon in the relationship but telling them can wait until they really know you just hold of sex until your ready.
The thing is they are that gender it's just that a chromozone screwed them over
The thing is they are that gender it's just that a chromozone screwed them over
A Transsexual who misrepresents themselves in order to engage in sexual intercourse with a partner who would otherwise be unwilling to do so if they were fully aware of the circumstances can play the bigot card for all it's worth but it isn't worth all that much when played from such an angle.
So yeah, I think they should be honest.
So yeah, I think they should be honest.