If someone is a post-op transsexual, are they obligated to tell the person they are pursuing/dating?

Mar 9, 2010
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Nope. You're never obligated to do anything, it depends on how polite you are. If they don't want to carry their being a dude or lady a while back then they don't have to.
 

orangeban

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Nov 27, 2009
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mjc0961 said:
axlryder said:
For all intensive purposes
*facedesk*

krazykidd said:
Absolutely , be honest from go . If you are ashamed to admit something like that then don't get it done . I cannot believe so many people are saying no to this. Not TELLING the other person is absolutly disgusting and disrespectful , not to mention creepy . And anyone that doesn't should be ashamed of themselves . I have nothin against transgendered or whatever , live and let live and all that jazz , but once you decide to have an intimate ( physical/mental/emotional) with another person , you DO NOT hide things like this . I you are afraid of the other persons reaction then they probably aren't the person for you.

And if a person decides to NOT tell their mate and the relationship has lasted for a substantial amount of time , the they deserve to rot single and alone for the rest of their lives for being a liar . This is NOT something to lie about , and yes lying by omission IS lying .
This pretty much sums it all up. Don't lie to your partner if you're having a serious relationship, no matter what the lie is. If you can't trust them enough to tell them everything, you probably shouldn't be together in the first place.
The problem with your argument is, the trans person isn't lying. They're simply not telling their partner something private about themselves, which isn't lying. Note that the original post is talking about dating/pursuing, and I'm pretty sure most people don't tell their date every single one of their secrets on their first dates, or even in their first month of dating.
 

CrystalShadow

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Apr 11, 2009
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Volf said:
CrystalShadow said:
Odbarc said:
Would you keep dating a woman who was born a man?
Would you date the person if they said they were a man before you started dating?

"I'm a man. Want to have sex?"
Lol. But no transsexual would say that, because no transsexual thinks that way about themselves.

You (and those making comments like you are) are missing a crucial point in that regard.

You're asking someone to tell you they are actually a man, but they don't think they are.

So... You are in a way asking them to be 'honest' with you by telling you something that in their own opinion is a lie.

How is that supposed to work exactly?
Good point, but I think you know what is being asked(for a person who was born a man to admit that they were born a man).
Ah, but that's not what's being asked at all.

What is being asked, is for you to volunteer that information unbidden, just in case the other person has a problem with it.

Now, if you're paranoid about what other people think, and thus hide it because you expect other people to react badly, you might have a point.

But if you don't personally consider it an important detail about your life, why should you be expected to volunteer that information arbitrarily just in case someone has a problem with it?

After all, it's not a situation like this being discussed:

Partner: "Were you born a man?"
Transsexual: "No."
- Which is obviously a direct lie.

Nor is it this:
Partner: "Were you born a man?"
Transsexual: "Yes."

No, what's being expected here, is this:

Transsexual: "Oh, by the way, I used to be a man."
Partner: "Wait. What?!"

And this relies to a large extent on the transsexual assuming that it's a big deal to everyone.

You don't go around volunteering insignificant details about yourself for no reason, so expecting a transsexual to tell you this arbitrarily without any real cause is essentially expecting them to consider it a big deal themselves too.

I don't consider it a big deal. I think considering it important is stupid.
On the other hand, I consider being infertile something I'm obligated to tell a long-term partner. (But not someone I've only known for a few days or weeks.)

So, what you're saying is I have to go out of my way to look at the question in a way I don't personally agree with, just in case someone else finds it more important than I do.

Which inevitably means I'd have to internalise the idea that I'm a freak that nobody is going to like just as a starting point for potentially being able to have a relationship?

Yeah... OK. That's not at all problematic. XD
 

Hagi

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Apr 10, 2011
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Of course.

If you're seriously dating someone then trust starts to matter. That means being honest with each other.

You don't have to say so right away. "Hello, I'm Miranda. By the way, I was born in the body of a man." is a bit of an awkward greeting.

But if your relationship is showing signs of becoming serious then you should tell the other person soon. It's something the other person needs to know, even if only for practical matters.
 

Gitty101

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Jan 22, 2010
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I reckon it'd be the courteous thing to do. After all, if it's brought up in the beginning of the relationship, it gives the two time to get used to the idea. Less chance of someone getting really hurt.
 

Susan Arendt

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Jan 9, 2007
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Sure, because that fact could impact their life together in any number of ways. There might be health implications, for example, as would be true of any major surgery. And, people being people, you only want to be with someone who truly accepts you for who you are, and that means all your baggage, too.

If you're going to be with someone and share your life with them, they need to know the big stuff. If you've got an ex spouse, if you had an abortion, if you suffered abuse, if you have health issues, had problems with the law, whether or not you want to have children - it's all stuff that can impact how they feel about you and how they fit into your life.

I had a big ticket item I had to share with my current husband, and I was terrified to tell him. And when I did...he totally didn't care. What seems daunting to one person might be insignificant to another - but the conversation should still be had.

I don't think it's something you need to bring up on the first date, certainly, anymore than you would bring up any of that other baggage on the first date.
 

dfcrackhead

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Apr 14, 2009
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axlryder said:
Vault101 said:
Mortai Gravesend said:
Vault101 said:
if its just a fling..then no

long term..hmmm yeah probably, though most peopel tend ot run away screaming with that kind of thing, it cant be easy
Well what's horrible is the guy who said he'd beat them to the ground in another thread -__-

I can totally understand not wanting to say anything at all about it until you're sure what kind of person they are, considering the kind of person they might turn out to be...
thing is though...is it right to have sex with them...then tell them later?...

because if you tell them too soon it could totally freak them out and send them running, but continuing a relationship with them could be considered deceitful
That's where it gets sticky really. if someone is convinced that it's not relevant since they are now female, who are we to say they're wrong or that such information should be revealed? They haven't done anything wrong. Knowing about child bearing is one thing, but why would someone need to know you're a post-op or even care beyond, I guess, bigotry or homophobia? I honestly can't think of a good reason.
Relevancy is relative, it may not be relevant to him/her, but it could very well be extremely relevant to their partner, if for no other reason than for trust issues. I'm not a bigot or anything, but something like a sex change is a pretty big idea to grasp when with someone, simply because that's a pretty major decision they made and it's quite the mental obstacle someone would need to get past before completely accepting their partner.

At the end of the day it's just plain considerate to inform your partner
 

Heaven's Guardian

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Oct 22, 2011
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Absolutely. If you don't, the relationship is being built on a lie. The vast majority of people would consider that a deal-breaker in a relationship, so there is definitely a moral obligation to let someone know before it gets past the point of dinner dates into anything more physical.
 

TomLikesGuitar

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Jul 6, 2010
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axlryder said:
just what the title says. This is mainly geared towards men dating post-op woman, but obviously it could go other ways as well. Do you think the transsexual individual is obligated to reveal this information? Or are they simply obligated to inform their partner that they can't make babies? Why? For all intensive purposes, let's say this particular transsexual makes a very convincing man/woman and one couldn't determine they used to be a member of the opposite sex without being told so.
I'm personally disgusted by the thought of having sex with a transsexual just as much as I am disgusted by the thought of sex with a man.

I'M ALLOWED TO HAVE THIS OPINION!

Anyone who tells me I'm wrong for this is judging me based on my sexuality... and that is wrong. I cannot control my sexuality.

So YES, of course they should be obligated to tell the person they are dating UP-FRONT.

A lot of people wouldn't want to date them for this reason, but you know what? A lot of people wouldn't want to date someone who has AIDS, but you don't just slip that in a conversation after a few months of dating.

CrystalShadow said:
I don't consider it a big deal. I think considering it important is stupid.
No offense, but it really doesn't matter what you think.

MOST people would consider it a big deal. It is a HUGE DEAL if the person you are interested in is not technically the fucking GENDER that you thought they were.
 

Vigormortis

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Nov 21, 2007
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Abandon4093 said:
I think it is

It's certainly something I'd like to know about a potential partner. If they didn't tell me I'd consider it a HUGE breach of trust.
This is pretty much my exact line of thinking. It's not so much a sense of obligation as it is, as you put it, a breach of trust. If a potential partner is too afraid or just unwilling to share something as crucial as that, then there's this sense of secrecy between the two. Things like that will always slowly eat away at one or the other and tend to ruin the relationship in the end.

Honestly, in my case (and this is an assumption as I've never been in this situation before), I'd be more accepting of the one who is forthcoming with that type of information than one who felt it was necessary to hide it.
 

TomLikesGuitar

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Jul 6, 2010
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Since the rest of your post was just pretty much you saying "I disagree.", I'm going to quote the parts where you actually said something important.

Please write me a diatribe if you believe it is out of context.

Mortai Gravesend said:
I don't give a fuck what most would think.
And do note, I don't give a fuck how big a deal it is to people. That alone does not merit telling them.
Okay, here's the best part... I'm not going to even respond to this... I don't even have to.

You just said that even if it was a big deal to someone, it wouldn't merit telling them on the first date.

You can have the last word because my work is done here.
 

Diddy_Mao

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Jan 14, 2009
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I think it's something that certainly should be discussed.
I've got a buddy who had a vasectomy when he was 21. He makes it a pretty steadfast rule that once a relationship shows any signs of turning serious he has the "We can't have kids" discussion.

I don't mean to say that having a vasectomy is in any way shape or form the same thing as gender reassignment. I just use it as an example of how one must take responsibility for the choices they have made and how it might effect a long term romantic relationship.

It's been well over a decade since I was in the dating pool and I can't say with 100% certainty how I would react to this situation if placed in it myself. Having said that I think I'd still want to know if the woman I'm dating used to be a dude. It just strikes me as the responsible and respectful thing to do.