I'm filling with emotional dread and existentialism and I need to let it out

[Elvis Starburst]

I apologize if this really isn't the place for it. But I'm almost a week past my last therapy appointment and my next one isn't until Friday and I kinda need to get my thoughts out of my head and speak it to out somebody. I'd normally consider my parents, but they've heard this so much that I don't wanna fill another one of their days with more of it. This is at least a place I feel comfortable enough putting my thoughts somewhere, but if the mods decide to lock it, it's cool. All I ask is they mod edit this whole post out if they do.

Since the start of the year I've been on anti-depression/anxiety meds, trying a few different kinds. I tried going back to work at the start of February and it ended up going so poorly I hit the most rock bottom I've ever felt, and then got doctor's orders/permission and a note to say I won't be returning to work for the foreseeable future and will be on a 'medical' leave. I have a job to go back to, so I have that security. My deadline to return was set to the start of 2022 so I didn't have to think about it until I was ready.

I've been in therapy nearly every week since then, and it's been great. I'm finally diving into problems and stuff that's built up for at least 20 years of my life and am helping resolve it with a wonderful therapist, unravelling the web that is all my problems and emotions. My self-image is slowly improving and I can feel the gears starting to turn in the right direction.

And yet, things started getting really bad at the start of May. I went to the hospital thinking the heart palpitations and lightheartedness were a medical problem. ECG and blood work shows that wasn't the case. And now that it's finally calmed down, alongside my emotional state, I'm seeing that it probably was anxiety cropping up again. I no longer feel anxiety though... now I just feel weird. There's two things that have been at the back of my mind since the healing process all started, and they're stronger than ever right now.

The first is the feeling that going back to my retail job to work with 6AM shifts for an ungrateful, highly profiting, anti-union, pandemic benefiting company with no future for me or any real feel of progress... is something I don't feel like I wanna do. But unfortunately, the crew has been very supportive of me over the past few years, and having good job security in the pandemic is important. I'm scared of losing that and ending up in a worse position if I leave.

The second is a little worse overall... I struggle mentally and emotionally with the idea of living the life I have been in my own mind and body for another 60-70 years. It's been extremely difficult being in my own mind, and it came to a breaking point at the end of 2020. Things have been improving lately, but... I'm still scared of the future. I'm scared that even if I change myself, and finally find a way to love and accept myself, and can stand on my own two feet without my own self breaking me down... will I even make it down the line? Will I make something of myself? Will I finally hit a place where I feel truly happy and fulfilled? Or is the world and everything around me gonna finally snap the last thing holding it all together, and I make the final decision of ending it all because I can't live with it any more?

The world is so unforgiving. And it doesn't help when the world feels like it's been built to be stacked against me. It definitely doesn't help when it feels like my own mind and body are fighting me at the same time. I'm so... so tired. Tired of so much of it. Tired of the struggle. Tired of the hate that builds inside me. Even if I come out better after this healing process... There's still a whole other two thirds of my life to live. I don't know if I can do it.

I wish everything was different. I wish it all went different. I want to fight it all. As one of my biggest inspirations once said... I wanna kick and scream and fight like hell. But how much more do I have to do it? Does it finally get easier? I genuinely hope so.

Thanks for reading

 

[gorfias]

I've heard that life is suffering. And that is supposed to be a good thing. That the permanently happy and drugged citizens of the "Brave New World" novel have lost something of their very humanity. But I like being happy. I know suffering and struggle. But there is so much around me that is fun too.

You describe yourself in ways that mirror many in my own life. That you do need some meds to not to make you permanent happy but to help you be even so you can have a clear head. I understand they can make you feel odd. I hope you find that preferable to spiraling into despair that is not rational. You have a computer with which to communicate on the Internet. Others have to deal with much worse. Though I imagine knowing that doesn't make you feel better, a rational part of you I hope understands you have things relatively good. That there is so much that is fun to experience. You have to find it as you only have about another 70 years or so to enjoy it. What comes after, if anything, we're not allowed to know in this life.

Does it get easier? For many. A loved one was diagnosed as having an incurable anti-social personality. His life was a failing in so many ways. Today, he rents a townhouse, is in the trades, has a girl friend and every year, he tells me it was the best of his life. I hope that continues.

I hope that for you too. I hope you continue to have access to aid and consultation. I hope you use this time to think about work you may find more rewarding. (The loved one I describe barely made it out of high school, washed dishes, got some tech training, went into the trades, finished high school, work helped him get an Associates and now wants him to get a plumbing license). I think he feels good doing a good and needed job.

And I gave him a PS3. So he has that going for him too.

Wishing you the best.

 

[Elvis Starburst]

I understand they can make you feel odd. I hope you find that preferable to spiraling into despair that is not rational.

I definitely do. The meds were making me feel alright until a few weeks ago. I was fine. I was on them for a month and I was fine. And then 2 weeks ago everything just fell apart... My anxiety flared up, it went away, and now I feel pretty crappy. I dunno what happened.

You have a computer with which to communicate on the Internet. Others have to deal with much worse. Though I imagine knowing that doesn't make you feel better, a rational part of you I hope understands you have things relatively good. That there is so much that is fun to experience. You have to find it as you only have about another 70 years or so to enjoy it.

Knowing that unfortunately doesn't bring me comfort, yeah, but I acknowledge that a number of things in my life are pretty alright as well. It's not all bad. And in the future, there will be plenty of good things. It's just the difficulty of getting through all the rest that makes it feel so insurmountable. "You have your whole future ahead of you" is something some people might say. But... The thought of that terrifies me more than excites me these days.

I hope you use this time to think about work you may find more rewarding.

I have been doing that search for practically a decade now. I have a good clue of some specifics after all that time, but the actual jobs themselves... That's been extremely tough, and I still have no answer.

Wishing you the best.

Many thanks

 

[gorfias]

I definitely do. The meds were making me feel alright until a few weeks ago. I was fine. I was on them for a month and I was fine. And then 2 weeks ago everything just fell apart... My anxiety flared up, it went away, and now I feel pretty crappy. I dunno what happened.



Knowing that unfortunately doesn't bring me comfort, yeah, but I acknowledge that a number of things in my life are pretty alright as well. It's not all bad. And in the future, there will be plenty of good things. It's just the difficulty of getting through all the rest that makes it feel so insurmountable. "You have your whole future ahead of you" is something some people might say. But... The thought of that terrifies me more than excites me these days.



I have been doing that search for practically a decade now. I have a good clue of some specifics after all that time, but the actual jobs themselves... That's been extremely tough, and I still have no answer.



Many thanks

At my age and health, I don't know how much time I have ahead of me, but as long as I acknowledge that there are good things in my life? I hope you find the fun I try to continually find in as much time as I have left.

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

Oh dear god, if you do one thing for your own mental health it's GET OUT OF RETAIL.

No seriously. It's unbelievable how much better your mental health is when you never have to deal with a customer screaming at you because a product is out of stock.

Take the time you have while on medical leave and look for other jobs. Job hunting sucks, it's tiring and frustrating, but landing a job that isn't retail or customer service is SO worth it in the long run. Also, don't look for a job that's mentally "rewarding." They don't really exist. No matter what you do for work you will eventually hate it because you have to do it. Even if you start off doing something you love, the fact that doing it is an obligation will make you dislike it in the long run. Instead look for something that pays decently and is generally low stress. Your body will thank you for it. Seriously, people talk shit about office jobs, but being able to work 9-5, spend most of your day sitting and typing, and then being able to leave is greatly undervalued.

Also, go work out. You'll hate it at first, but after a couple of months workouts will stop being painful and annoying and will just become part of your routine. Honestly it's kind of amazing how much better you feel afterward. Workouts are also a good time to just zone out and think about nothing, like a meditation session.

 

[The Rogue Wolf]

Oh dear god, if you do one thing for your own mental health it's GET OUT OF RETAIL.

As someone who spent ten years working in retail, there are not enough <EM> tags in the world to emphasize this enough. Retail grinds people down like few other fields.

 

[Elvis Starburst]

Oh dear god, if you do one thing for your own mental health it's GET OUT OF RETAIL.

No seriously. It's unbelievable how much better your mental health is when you never have to deal with a customer screaming at you because a product is out of stock.

Take the time you have while on medical leave and look for other jobs. Job hunting sucks, it's tiring and frustrating, but landing a job that isn't retail or customer service is SO worth it in the long run. Also, don't look for a job that's mentally "rewarding."

The more time I've spent away from the retail space, and the more I've thought about how much it's made me feel miserable overall... believe me, it's something I'm seriously starting to consider. The unfortunate part is that my current job, in terms of crew and support, has been one of the best I've had up till now. After having maybe 15 different jobs in my lifetime and only 3-4 of them actually having my back when I needed it, it's hard for me to wanna leave it and risk losing that support. It unfortunately has me feeling sorta trapped. So many places don't accept or know how to deal with the specifics I need to be successful. And now that I have one that is trying its best to uplift me, not drag me down... It leaves a pit in my stomach at the thought of not having it any more.

At the same time though, retail really is miserable. I've even told my therapist that I hate being stuck in that sort of area. I want more for myself. I don't know to what degree that is, but... I know I want it. Knowing little else and not having a ton of qualifications limits my reach.

People talk shit about office jobs, but being able to work 9-5, spend most of your day sitting and typing, and then being able to leave is greatly undervalued.

I'd probably be pretty good at those, honestly. But there is a small problem...

Also, go work out. You'll hate it at first, but after a couple of months workouts will stop being painful and annoying and will just become part of your routine. Honestly it's kind of amazing how much better you feel afterward. Workouts are also a good time to just zone out and think about nothing, like a meditation session.

I might be limited in my workouts due to me currently needing to wear a wrist brace on my right arm. Too much mouse, keyboard, and controller usage. I'm getting early signs of carpal tunnel and tendinitis. I'm slowly reversing it so it doesn't get worse, but, it has made doing some things for prolonged periods kinda tough.

An office job sounds kinda nice, but I'm worried that doubling my computer usage might make it worse. However, I'm sure there's tons of other options I haven't considered

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

I might be limited in my workouts due to me currently needing to wear a wrist brace on my right arm. Too much mouse, keyboard, and controller usage. I'm getting early signs of carpal tunnel and tendinitis. I'm slowly reversing it so it doesn't get worse, but, it has made doing some things for prolonged periods kinda tough.

There are lots of things you can do that don't require you to strain your wrists. Jogging, squats, sit ups, lunges, swimming, etc. Instead of weight lifting you can use elastic bands and wrap them around your forearms so that you aren't impacting your wrists (also elastic bands are cheaper than weights).

 

[Elvis Starburst]

There are lots of things you can do that don't require you to strain your wrists. Jogging, squats, sit ups, lunges, swimming, etc. Instead of weight lifting you can use elastic bands and wrap them around your forearms so that you aren't impacting your wrists (also elastic bands are cheaper than weights).

I have been doing more frequent walks and daily stretches since I started my time away. I'm working on building up from there

 

[Schadrach]

Oh dear god, if you do one thing for your own mental health it's GET OUT OF RETAIL.

No seriously. It's unbelievable how much better your mental health is when you never have to deal with a customer screaming at you because a product is out of stock.

There are worse jobs. My wife is desperately trying to stop being an economic service worker. Which is like phone support for welfare. You'd be amazed how abusive some folks get when they didn't get their benefits for reasons that are usually entirely their own fault. Not doing their review paperwork is apparently pretty common.

 

[SilentPony]

I honestly just roll with trauma and depression. I see no difference between them and being happy; they're reactions to our world, environment and what's happened to you. I was 17 when dudes broke into our house and held a gun to my head to keep my parents quiet while they stole our TV and shit. It was traumatic. And afterwards everyone was all "Get anti-depressants!" and "Go see a therapist and trauma counselor" and all this shit and I was just like no. No I had a traumatic experience, being traumatized is the appropriate response. I never once thought oh how do I fix my brain, because there was nothing wrong with it.
A few years back I was driving with my dad back home from a concert when the front passenger tire flew off the car. Turns out Jeep bolts and nuts have a chemical error in them that makes them prone to overheating and exploding, and there's an entire industry devoted to fixing Jeeps because Jeep can't ever admit fault because they'd be on the hook for every Jeep accident in the last 20 years. But anyway, tire flies off and my dad was able to get us onto the side of the road. We had been going 60, on a narrow highway with a significant ledge drop, and somehow the car didn't flip and we didn't die. Police came by and didn't know how we survived. Fire marshal drove by, shocked we weren't dead. Tow truck and mechanic couldn't believe we walked away without an injury. Everyone we spoke to that day told us we should have died. Since then every now and then when I'm on the highway I get a little panic attack and have an urge to slow down and get into the slow lane just on the off-chance my new cars tires fly off. And that's perfectly fine. I'm not looking to change that reaction or take a pill. I should have died in a car crash, I didn't, and now I have a thing about cars. Perfectly reasonable response.
Same thing with depression. Is the world depressing? Yes, the world is fucked up. Being depressed about the state of the world, America, a state, whatever, its all reasonable. Its the appropriate response. Being depressed about yourself, that's different. Unless of course there's a reason to be depressed. Someone who loses a leg in an accident I think has every right to be depressed about that. But if depression is not a state you want to be in, yes absolutely see a therapist, seek counseling, start working out. If you absolutely have to take pills see a Doctor and take the bare minimum.

 

[Elvis Starburst]

Being depressed about yourself, that's different. Unless of course there's a reason to be depressed.

Yes and definitely yes.

But if depression is not a state you want to be in, yes absolutely see a therapist, seek counseling, start working out.

Already working on it.

If you absolutely have to take pills see a Doctor and take the bare minimum.

Already doing so. I don't have the inner strength and willpower to keep it together on my own any more. If it got any worse things would've gone in a very bad direction

 

[Drathnoxis]

You need to just not think about the things that cause your anxiety. Find something that will distract you as soon as you find yourself starting to think of it and focus on it. I have a problem with thinking about what happens after death and trying to comprehend the massive size and timescale of the universe in comparison to myself. In the past I've let my anxiety get out of control and spent long periods dwelling on this stuff until I feel so awful I can't do anything else. The solution is just don't. Whenever I find myself starting to think about that stuff I immediately push it from my mind and find something lighthearted to distract myself with. It's not easy at first, but eventually you'll build up the habit. I have a bunch of let's plays that I like loaded on my ipod and I always fall asleep listening to them. I've watched them all dozens of times, but it's just to give me something comforting to focus on while I fall asleep. There's some things that it just doesn't pay to think about. It feels important, like you need to keep thinking about it until you figure it out, but it's actually just destructive to dwell on it and the longer you do, the harder it is to break out of that loop.

So just find a lighthearted show, maybe one you've seen before, and watch it every time you start to dwell of your anxiety triggers.

 

[Terminal Blue]

snip

So, I'm actually in kind of a similar position right now. I've been on anti-depressants for the past six months, and also not able to work at all. For me a lot of it has to do with disability, but I really do understand the feeling of being trapped inside your own mind, and of feeling the pressure to achieve something while also just constantly running up against a wall. It's terrible, and I really understand the feeling of despair and the fear that nothing will ever change.

One thing I find sometimes helps me in moments like this is to take that existential fear and just run with it. Take the worst case scenario, and then ask the question "and then what?"

Because at the end of the day, whether I live and happy or successful life or not, I'm still going to end up in the same place. Whether I die tomorrow or live to a hundred, I'll still be forgotten within a few centuries. The universe isn't cruel, it isn't kind either, it's just vast, empty and indifferent. Our lives and the lives of every human being around us are impossibly short and insignificantly small. All the things we worry about and care about and stress over will not matter to any kind of grand scheme. There is nothing any of us needs to accomplish, and no responsibility we owe which will make any difference. We exist for no purpose and our lives have no meaning.

Out there in the real world, valuing your own life and your own happiness is a good thing. But I feel like when you're depressed sometimes wanting to live and wanting to be happy can just become a stick to beat yourself with, just another part of your life that you're failing at, and for me at least, occasionally reminding myself that it doesn't really matter can be really liberating.