Is this a healthy attitude to have about female friends?

TehCookie

Elite Member
Sep 16, 2008
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So what I'm getting from this is you don't want to talk to them if you can't date them? I'd say that's a problem. You can hang out and have fun with girls without being in a relationship or having sex you know...
 

Vault101

I'm in your mind fuzz
Sep 26, 2010
18,863
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Shawn MacDonald said:
Consider you to be ignored, another pointless human being.
OH GOD! he's ignoring me...the burn...the awful [i/]burn[/i] to my ego....truly you have broken me!...

oh.. I am nought but a women! your dark brooding awsomeness is just too much for my feeble feminine mind to handle, he who walks in the shadows!

*sob* forgive me!

or...

you know....

....childish response like that only serves to prove my point
 

dcdude171

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Oct 16, 2009
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I have a friend that I have known sense i was like 6 or 8 who is one of my closest friends its good to have a opposite sex friend because you can always ask why your boyfriend/girlfriend is doing something they usually give the best advice. I have always been closer to my Girl-friends then my guy friends because they are usually more emotional, and easier to talk to .... :)
 

General Twinkletoes

Suppository of Wisdom
Jan 24, 2011
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Shawn MacDonald said:
Vault101 said:
Shawn MacDonald said:
Can't take my opinion on women, to bad. Are you going to change my mind, hell no. Realize that some people don't think like you, probably yes. Need to jump in on someone when their opinion is dark, hell yes you do. If you like women as friends, then go right ahead. Very last sentence was to make them go away. Now here is the part where I bow out. Even though it may not be graceful, some views are dark, if you can't handle it, you better stay in the light.
can't handle it?....*checks face*...hmmm..no tears, no signs of distress

no, on the flip side I'd say [b/]you[/b] can't handle people challenging your veiws, you throw a tantrum if somone comes along and questions you "THIS IS JUST WHAT I THINK SO SCREW YOU!!"

I'm not trying to change your mind, I'm just pointing out what seems kinda rediculous, from the little I can gather (we are online after all) I see some....issues...to say the least you say you not anti women? pffft..bullshit, I'm calling you out

[quote/] don't know what you would consider to be 100% great conversation, but I am guessing it involves pointless bullshit as well.
what a deep and insightful assumption...you trully do know me, freind

or [i/]"go away! your being mean!..you suck![/i]

if you want to know I consider a great conversation anything remotly interesting...
Consider you to be ignored, another pointless human being.[/quote]

A pointless human being because she's not sexist?
You realise the definition of sexist is judging someone by their gender alone, and that is exactly what you're doing.
IDK how you can defend yourself. How can people like you look at yourself knowing that you are by very definition a bigot?
 
Jan 13, 2012
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Shawn MacDonald said:
Consider you to be ignored, another pointless human being.
Look out, badass over here.

OT: I kinda have that same feeling as you OP. I can't really talk to women. I also do the thing you said in your last paragraph were you hang out with your friends girlfriend and treat her like one of your guy friends. Maybe one day I'll be able to talk to women properly (I still talk to them but it's more like me acknowledging them).
 

Mr Cwtchy

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Jan 13, 2009
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I'm 19 and I have yet to make a real female friend. It's a shame, as I think having a friend I could talk about emotional... stuff with would be rather beneficial to me.
 

Talyra

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Jun 20, 2012
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Like others, I think the problem here is the association between romantic/sexual interest and potential friendship. You mentioned that you feel awkward about hanging around a girl if she has a boyfriend, which is perfectly understandable. I know several people with the same hang-up, both male and female, including my last ex.

In his case, he would start to get to know a girl with hopes of starting a relationship, then let the contact fade away if the relationship never happened. Part of it was embarassment, part of it was fear that he'd sent the wrong signals and seemed sleazy, and the rest of it was just a lack of knowledge on how to deal with women when out of a romantic context. It can be really hard to get out of that mindset, which is why it's often easier to make friends with people of the sex you're not attracted to. There's just less pressure.

As for unhealthiness, I think it's okay just to go with the easy route, if that's what you want. But it seems like you're worried about not having any close female friends, so my best advice would be to try as hard as you possibly can to get out of the romance mindset. And in my opinion, it's tough to have a successful, meaningful relationship with a person you don't know how to be friends with. Once you get out of the honeymoon phase, you either have to enjoy spending time with your girlfriend or find a new one.

Honestly, if you're attracted to a girl, then find out if a relationship is an option. No point in censoring your attractions. But if it isn't an option, then don't immediately cut off contact out of fear. Sometimes lampshading the awkwardness can be a great icebreaker. If you can laugh at the situation, then change the subject, usually you'll be fine. I got some of my best male friends that way.

Shawn MacDonald: There are times when I hang out with a guy and I can feel that nothing I say will impress him. If you expect every girl to be boring but don't have the same expectation for guys, then you'll probably give your guy friends a free pass without realising it. And guess what? We're not idiots. We can tell how you feel about us, and we act differently. No one wants to be around the jerk who hates everything they say, much less try to entertain him. We're much more likely to focus our attention on people who take us seriously. So it may not be that all women are boring. It may just be that the interesting ones don't want anything to do with you.
 

ImBigBob

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Dec 24, 2008
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Thanks for the feedback, everyone. To clarify a few things, no I am not SCARED of talking to girls. I'm not one of those guys that shakes in fear at the idea of having a conversation with one. However, in the past few years or so I just noticed patterns that I've fallen into, unsure if they're good or bad.

For example, at a party a few months ago, I met a girl who was beautiful, funny, talented (she claimed to be an artist, which impressed me), and we had a lot to talk about. At the end of the night, I asked her out, and she said to look her up on Facebook. I did, and then I saw on her profile that she was in a relationship.

The problem there is - I was really attracted to this girl, and in my mind, I didn't want to continue the friendship BECAUSE of that attraction. Though, to clarify, I haven't pushed her away. We just haven't interacted at all. I never contacted her, she never contacted me. And I was a little miffed that she took the route of asking me to add her on Facebook when she knew full well that she wouldn't be going out with me. It takes balls to ask someone out, the least you can do is give me a straight answer rather than something like "Well I'm just really busy with classes and such".
 

shadowstriker86

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Feb 12, 2009
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ImBigBob said:
I don't know any girls that I could honestly call a close friend. Not for a lack of socialization - I go out plenty of times, and I make new guy friends all the time. But when going to more nerd-centered meetups, it swings hard on the male side of things, and generally any females there already have boyfriends.

And...that's the problem. I'm a single guy. If I meet a girl who is cute, interesting, and likes the same dorky things I do, why wouldn't I be attracted to her? But if she has a boyfriend, then I don't want to be that "nice guy" that hangs around her all the time hoping she'll come over to me. As a result, I spend more time talking to guys, just because I know it'll be less awkward for me.

It's not like I shun girls. If a friend has a girlfriend, I'll treat her just like one of the guys. But I never seem to have meaningful interactions with members of the opposite sex. Is this mentality halting chances of meeting girls, or is it helping me avoid harsher problems?
It's probably because you haven't met "the one" yet. That one special chick that will wow the crap out of you and motivate you to moving forward with her. Trust me it'll take some time, but if you're that worried, go out on a date with a single chick you meet and see what happens. It's all about that mutual feeling, from what i can tell it'll be real easy for you to discern which chick you can call a friend and which one you'll try to lure into bed with promises of snacks and pulling out
 

geK0

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Jun 24, 2011
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Vault101 said:
Shawn MacDonald said:
Consider you to be ignored, another pointless human being.
OH GOD! he's ignoring me...the burn...the awful [i/]burn[/i] to my ego....truly you have broken me!...

oh.. I am nought but a women! your dark brooding awsomeness is just too much for my feeble feminine mind to handle, he who walks in the shadows!

*sob* forgive me!

or...

you know....

....childish response like that only serves to prove my point
Anyone else find it ironic that he was banned for that excange?
Ignores you so he doesn't have to deal with you, insults you before doing so, gets banned so nobody has to worry about him blocking them anyway : \
lol

OT:

Sort of the opposite situation from the OP; I have plenty of female friends, very few male friends. It's not like I ever tried to do that, it just sort of happened. I can sort of understand where you're coming from, but I wouldn't let the fact that somebody has a boyfriend keep you from associating with them; I mean, there's a huge difference between flirting with a girl and just making conversation, and most guys aren't going to get uptight if their girlfriend starts talking with their mutual guy friends.
 

Aprilgold

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Apr 1, 2011
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Mr Cwtchy said:
I'm 19 and I have yet to make a real female friend. It's a shame, as I think having a friend I could talk about emotional... stuff with would be rather beneficial to me.
Try a gay guy if you can find one, we love emotional talk.

------------------------------------------------------------------

I am more attracted to males, so, by default I'll be more happy around males. Not that I wouldn't mind having a female friend but in this situation I would want to get into the pants of a man, not a female.
 

RustlessPotato

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Aug 17, 2009
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Well, I meet girls as easily as I can talk to dudes. I think it's a bit normal for me to be atracted, but I usually shrug it off and blame it on biology, so I can be conmfortable around my girl friends without falling for them. I talk about the same stuff with the girls as I do with the guys. Why would I hang out with people that don't share the same interests ?

My best friend is a girl, we have some sort of platonic relationship. We tell eachother almost everything, and there isn't any actual sexual attraction. I was skeptical about platonic relationships, but they do exist.

So yeah, OP, don't blame yourself, realise it's how biology has programmed you. Just don't act all retarded when you eventually realize they will like someone else. If you end up doing a "she friendzoned me" thread, I will figuratively apply force with my fist to your gonads.
 

Blunderboy

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Apr 26, 2011
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Powereaver said:
My current best friend is a girl and EVERYONE thinks we are a couple but we are only friends and have determined this from early on in the friendship which is 100% with me. You really need to start accepting women into your life as just friends and not just a future partners because in the end after a few years a friend might turn into something more.. but id say get all the awkwardness out of the way early on and determine where you want it to go in the future.
This. The man speaks sense.
Three of my closest friends are women. One is married, one is engaged and one is happily single. I'm more than happy that nothing will happen with either of them. Though one of them, I would heavily consider if, but seeing as it's not likely to happen we just focus on being really good friends.
 

gazumped

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Dec 1, 2010
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ImBigBob said:
If I meet a girl who is cute, interesting, and likes the same dorky things I do, why wouldn't I be attracted to her?
I don't think that's necessarily a reason to avoid them. I'm bi so I view pretty much *all* of my friends as a potential partner at first to some extent, but with most of them, if they're taken (or, as is often the case for me, simply don't fancy your gender) you just automatically over time accept that the relationship is utterly platonic.

I do find it more of a problem with taken straight guys as there is a potential for romance if they found themselves single, I tend to then make sure I make friends with their girlfriends. Being friends with someone's partner tends to make them a lot less tempting, in my experience.

Also, you know what taken girls have? Friends. Female friends. SINGLE female friends. You make friends with taken girls, you've got a better chance of being introduced to single girls.
 

zelda2fanboy

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Oct 6, 2009
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ImBigBob said:
And...that's the problem. I'm a single guy. If I meet a girl who is cute, interesting, and likes the same dorky things I do, why wouldn't I be attracted to her?
Ignoring the misogyny elsewhere in the thread, I see the point of the OP. And I think being attracted to a female friend is perfectly fine. Don't get all emo about and ***** that she doesn't like you that way. Maybe if it becomes a problem, explain why and end the friendship. She'll get by. Look at it this way: the odds of her suddenly finding you attractive and "boyfriend material" are just as low/high as her doing the same thing. Don't go into a friend relationship expecting anything but what is on the face of it, but likewise, don't arbitrarily limit yourself because you think you'll get hurt. You'll turn into a social mutant like myself without any significant relationships with anybody on any level. And chances are, a female friend has other female friends who might be interested in you in that way. Networking, etc.

I'm about to embark upon what might become a genuine platonic friendship with a female who has a boyfriend, and I'm totally okay with it, especially since I've never even met a male equivalent of this person. People whine "but she talks about her boyfriend to me all the time" and I've decided I actually find that shit interesting and that *gasp* I want to hear what she has to say.

Another example: if you had a gay friend who said he found you attractive, would you quit being friends with him immediately? I sure wouldn't.
 

Michael Logan

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Oct 19, 2008
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lisadagz said:
ImBigBob said:
Also, you know what taken girls have? Friends. Female friends. SINGLE female friends. You make friends with taken girls, you've got a better chance of being introduced to single girls.
This, Ive found that girls are just about the best wingmen ever! Also another good thing about having friends who are girls are that they rarely talk about boring stuff like sports or cars!
 

ImBigBob

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Dec 24, 2008
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Oddly enough, I actually have multiple gay friends that I'm completely comfortable around. I've never been worried that they might be attracted to me. I guess there's a lesson in that.

The "friend zone" thing is something that plays a role in my behavior. It's been said repeatedly, everywhere I've seen, that if you like a girl, it's best to let her know quickly, because otherwise you'll be stuck as a "friend". I also don't want to be that guy who listens to girls complain about relationship issues while being single myself. If I ask a girl out and she says no, then complains on Facebook the same day about not being able to meet a nice guy, I'm unfriending her instantly.
 

Phasmal

Sailor Jupiter Woman
Jun 10, 2011
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ImBigBob said:
Oddly enough, I actually have multiple gay friends that I'm completely comfortable around. I've never been worried that they might be attracted to me. I guess there's a lesson in that.

The "friend zone" thing is something that plays a role in my behavior. It's been said repeatedly, everywhere I've seen, that if you like a girl, it's best to let her know quickly, because otherwise you'll be stuck as a "friend". I also don't want to be that guy who listens to girls complain about relationship issues while being single myself. If I ask a girl out and she says no, then complains on Facebook the same day about not being able to meet a nice guy, I'm unfriending her instantly.
Well isn't this about female friends?
Ignoring for a second the stereotyping `women be talkin bout relationships all the time` in your statement, I'm a little confused as to what you want- and you appear to be as well.

At the start of the thread you speak about wondering about not having any meaningful interactions with the opposite sex and yet here you speak of being stuck as a girl's friend as if it is the worst thing ever.

I'm not buying that you're attracted to every female ever. I'm sure there are plenty of people around (taken or not) who will simply not tickle your fancy. I think you need to broaden your mind a bit when it comes to women, and talking to more of them -even if they have a boyfriend- is probably a good idea.