Katawa Shoujo - Hanako's Story (COMPLETED 18/08/2014)

NoOne852

The Friendly Neighborhood Nobody
Sep 12, 2011
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well, well. You've certainly been busy, eh?
It's good work as well! You keep true to the character and your writing style. It is nice that there is no jarring break between chapters and one can easily pick up where the last left off. And then as it continues, the way the story plays out is coherent with the rest. I think that it is a good sign that you are confident with your writing. :D
Hope you didn't lose any sleep over writing these, but they were a good read. Just when I was starting to miss reading KS too. XD
You are in the home stretch now, friend. And your form has been excellent thus far! As always, I look forward to reading your next addition.

Oh, and a merry Christmas and a happy New Year to you as well! :D
 

Stokholm

New member
Jan 20, 2013
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Sorry Trivun!
I have been so busy the last 2-3 months with moving to a new city, that I haven't been able to read or answer to anything in here :p
And then suddenly 3:30 in the morning, I remembered and starting reading again ^^ It's really good, though I must admit I kinda skipped very quickly the bad ending :i Didn't really wanna remind myself of that again hehe ^^

But GJ ;) And keep going, hopefully the christmas and new year, will give YOU some time to relax and have a good time :p
Don't worry, we'll be patience ;)

P.S, Just reading the Act 4 Chapter 1-2, made me wanna play the game again :p So guess what I'm doing ^^ hehe
 

Trivun

Stabat mater dolorosa
Dec 13, 2008
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Right then, time for a quick update I think! I haven't had time to write since Christmas due to coursework deadlines, working full time, and an exam which will be coming up on Tuesday. If I can try to write over the weekend I will, however in either case don't expect an update very quickly. That being said, I'll try to get one out soon if possible, and definitely before the end of next week, since after Tuesday my university commitments will be finished with for another few months. In any case, watch this space!
 

Trivun

Stabat mater dolorosa
Dec 13, 2008
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New update time! A bit shorter than I planned for but the cutoff works pretty well, leading into the update after which will be forthcoming :)

I feel stronger. As I open my eyes I can finally feel glad that the worst times have passed. It's not just that, though. Rather, it's more that I've coped better this year than I ever did before. Maybe it's because of his presence, though distant, keeping me calm and reminding me that there is still some small semblance of hope.

The nightmares came last night, there's no point in trying to deny them entry. Even then I felt as if I could fight back, as if I could finally take control of my own visions and feel as though my mind was my own again. I've never had that sense of strength or determination when wallowing in my own despair, and it was strange, yet almost familiar, as if I'd remembered how to fight rather than simply refusing to all these years. By remembering came the drive and will to succeed, and from that will came dominance. I pushed the darkness out, keeping only images of those who I didn't want by my side but still wanted the friendship, and indeed the respect, of, giving me the power to fight back and dare to dream of happier times.

Hisao never came last night. I sort of wanted him to, but then at the same time I didn't. I distinctly remember, almost like looking through frosted glass, considering in my own mind the contradictions that I constantly went through, arguing with myself whether I wanted him to show up or not. Still, in the end it didn't matter. It does make me wonder, however, whether or not his absence was because he doesn't want to be with me (in friendship or otherwise) after all, or if it's just as I hoped, that he wanted to give me the space I so desperately needed. I think I'll have to wait and see.

It's something I wouldn't have considered doing before, not for a few days at least, but today is my day to show that I can be stronger. I can be a better person than I once was. Although still lethargic, and with eyes still red from the tears before my newfound stamina arose, I swing both legs out from my bed, one after the other, and slowly push myself up. I put on a gown, venture to the empty corridor, and make my way to the bathroom. I relieve myself, I shower, I dress, eat, drink, do all the things that a normal person does in the morning, and finally make my way to class. The stares along the way are as piercing as ever, but I'm well trained in deflecting the blows of people's whispers and the sting of their glances, keeping my head low and my pace swift.

Finally, I reach the door of Class 3-3, reaching out I grasp the handle and pull down. Most of the class are already here and I bow my head low as I enter the room, though I can't avoid noticing a brief look from Hisao as I walk along. His eyes are fixed for a few seconds, at which I blush and look away, focused on making my way to my usual seat. To his credit, he quickly stops staring and turns back to the girl he's currently talking to, who I already recognise as Miki Miura. I know her a little from... well, let's just say certain events some time ago. It's embarrassing to feel her eyes on the back of my head, though I know from previous experience that there's no malice in the gesture. Rather the opposite, in fact. At any rate I know that even while she's chatting happily to Hisao, I don't need to feel any jealousy towards her, unlike most of the girls in the class...

As I sit down I hear someone call Miki's name from the door. I recognise the face, even if I don't know the voice ? I've seen him around the school often enough, dressed in the kit of the track captain. Of course, he and Miki have a bit more in common than just running. Hisao and Miki say their goodbyes and in the corner of my eye I notice her walking across to her other friends, even as Hisao starts to proceed in my direction. I do what would have once seemed impossible, just a few short weeks ago, and take the initiative. ?H-hello...?

?Hi, Hanako. What's up??

?N-nothing...? Well, this is a good start. I find myself unable to continue, not out of fear but more out of nerves, and lack of practice in social niceties even with Hisao. I have no idea what to say next.

Fortunately, Hisao takes the lead again. ?Want to come with me and grab something from the cafeteria? I'm pretty hungry.?

I don't want to say no, but I have not long eaten myself. Besides, he did tell Miki he was working on some maths problems. Not to mention my own thoughts at going back out there, into the crowds of students, so soon after arriving in the relative safety of the classroom. ?But... I thought you were studying??

?After being distracted by Miki, I don't think I'm going to get any work done. Come on, let's go.? It's not said in a forceful way, more as a friendly suggestion despite the working, and I must admit he has a point. I know better than most how tough it can be to get back into reading or studying after you've been dragged from your reverie, and as for my own issue, after building up the courage to come out here today (so soon!) I can't really make excuses and refuse to face the world again. Every bit of progress I've made recently would be undermined by that one simple move. It's almost like a game of chess, building up strategies and carefully positioning pieces only to have a single wrong move wipe out the entire network of plans. Even if my analogy does make me sound more manipulative than I could ever hope to be in real life.

Baby steps, but every baby becomes bigger, and needs to learn to run one day. Better to try sooner rather than later. That shocks me, as I wouldn't have even entertained the thought even a few days ago, let alone weeks or even months. How have I managed to progress so far in such a short space of time? Has Hisao really had such a positive and profound influence on me, greater than anyone previously?

Could this be... what I hoped for all along?
 

Trivun

Stabat mater dolorosa
Dec 13, 2008
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Again, it's been a bit of a wait, but hopefully worth it. Exactly a month since my last update, but at least I can safely say I'm more regular with updates than VG Cats! Plus, each month, I suppose I'm kind of consistent...

I never thought, never even dared to imagine, that something like this could happen to me. That I would be able to make the kind of headway over the past few days that I have done, so soon after my... my birthday. Especially without Lilly being around to gently coax me out of my solitude again, as she has done so many times before. Perhaps being given the space I needed, as well as the support I have come to realise I can rely on from Hisao, was the catalyst for my strangely unalarming progress. I haven't spoken to Miss Yumi either for a little while, though we haven't stopped our usual sessions. I heard from Mutou-sensei however that she was very pleased with everything I'd accomplished so far, with or without help. I know I still have a long way to go before I can truly recover, assuming I ever really can, but baby steps are better than no steps at all, and tiny forays into the unknown will always hold a promise of something new, regardless of the fear and trepidation felt at first.

As I walk in town, I notice a familiar figure through an even more familiar window. Two figures, in fact, and one I've seen often enough in the library as well as here. The other I haven't spent quite as much time with over the past few days ? not because of any kind of relapse (yet again) to my former depressive state, but more out of a general lack of opportunities to meet. While Lilly's been away we haven't met up for lunch as often, the two of us still here, but we've certainly spoken on occasion in class. Though, as I said, it's only been a few days since I was bedridden, and the surprise at myself is still at the front of my mind. At any rate, it's quite the coincidence to see him here in town.

I must have been standing for longer than I thought, as the (relatively few) people walking near me push past. Nobody looks at my scars, but down here I don't expect them to pay much attention. It doesn't stop my fears from taking over whenever I'm out alone, knowing that it's only the fact that they're used to Yamaku's presence that keeps them from being too interested. Or indeed, too distrusting. Then again, maybe it's because there are so few people around that I feel brave enough to venture here today, on my own, without my usual air of apprehension. As I think about this, the first figure, who I clearly recognise as Yuuko, spots me through the window and waves. I see Hisao look up, and I give a little wave back, before crossing the street and entering the Shanghai. Upon my arrival I make my way directly to where Hisao and Yuuko are sitting. It's quiet in here, so she must have plenty of free time for once to be able to sit and talk to the customers, which is nice really. She spends so much time and effort working so hard, it's good for her to have a little break sometimes.

I take a seat opposite Hisao, next to Yuuko. ?H-hello...?

?Good afternoon,? Yuuko replies.

?Hi, Hanako,? says Hisao. ?What's up??

I reply truthfully, since not much really is happening. ?N-nothing... just... g-going for a walk... since the weather was nice.? Maybe things aren't quite as great as I hoped, as the stammer comes out in full force. Still, I knew things wouldn't always be so easy, so it isn't much of a surprise to me. The others are both used to it as well, so no comment is passed.

?Yeah, I get what you mean,? comes the response from Hisao. ?I'm glad I decided to study here instead of the library.? Despite the fact, of course, that all his usual library compatriots are right here anyway.

Yuuko nods her head in agreement. ?It's nice. It's just a shame that summer can't last forever.? She pauses, before remembering in a sudden rush that she works here. ?Oh wait, sorry, um, would you like a drink?? Truth be told, I'm not too thirsty, and more than happy to stay and talk to Yuuko along with Hisao, rather than be in a hurry to send her on her way. I shake my head and the look of relief on her face is self-evident.

?H-how are you going with studying?? If I'm going to make an effort to fight my way out of my usual slump, as I have been doing recently, I need to force back the stammering and take the initiative. Keeping the conversation going is just one way to do it, I suppose.

?Okay...ish.? He waits a few seconds in silence. ?Oh yeah, have you talked with Lilly??

?I'm interested too,? says Yuuko. ?How is she doing?? Fortunately, I have spoken to Lilly, though only briefly ? it's hard to judge the time difference, and when she's not asleep while I'm awake I could well be interrupting her time with her family. That's much more important than chatting to me.

?Sh-she's enjoying it... I think.? That's all I can really say, and both my companions are savvy enough to resist pushing the question.

?Ah, it would be so nice to travel to Scotland,? says Yuuko, eyes closed in wonder. ?Green fields, castles, lovely small towns, men in kilts, interesting history...? I almost think that she's focused a little more on the men in kilts than the other reasons to visit, though I can't say I blame her...

Suddenly, the door open and the bell jingles, and Yuuko is disturbed from her own reverie. Her face shows signs of panic, and I too am surprised at the sound of the door. In all the peace of being here I'd forgotten that customers do sometimes come along, and that Yuuko does still work here. She bows quickly, jumping up and running across to greet the new arrivals and perform her duties as a Shanghai hostess. As she goes, I notice Hisao looking over at the people who have just walked in, made all the more obvious by his awkward angle forcing him to crane his head to see the door clearly.

As I watch him, he turns away from the couple who have come inside, and faces me. I can't exactly hide my embarrassment any more than usual, since my hair only covers one eye and cheek, and so I turn my face away. He still makes eye contact though, before I can completely avert my own eyes, and his boldness stuns me a little. He presses on.

?I was just thinking that it's nice to have ambitions for the future. Yuuko was telling me a little about her university aspirations before.?

?Oh.? I wonder what his point is. Not that I don't want to hear about Yuuko's plans, it would certainly be a nice topic of general chatter, but it seems like an odd thing to bring up. Is he simply trying to push me into revealing more about what I want to do after Yamaku? In all honesty I can say it's not something I've ever given much thought to. I've always been more concerned with the here and now, and with the past. Especially with the past. It doesn't leave much room for future thinking.

?It's a shame,? he continues. ?If she wasn't so neurotic and overworked, I think she could be a really happy person.? He breaks off, and although I'm a little suspicious of his line of conversation, almost a comment on my own state (though obviously not my workload), I get the feeling he doesn't really want to talk much any more. That's fine by me. We wait in silence for a few moments, and I'm just happy to be in Hisao's company, without the stress of having to endure people's stares and my own internal bitterness and self-loathing. Without having to discuss topics that I really don't feel like talking about. Without any pressure, but just the two of us, together.

After a short while he speaks again. ?Sorry if I'm a bit distracted. I need to try and get this done, otherwise I'm going to flunk the history exams pretty hard.? He runs a hand through his hair, and I can understand the frustration he must be feeling. I should probably be getting some work done as well, especially since I don't have the excuse of missing classes this year, like usual. It's been a nice little interlude though. ?I hope I have more luck with that than this. Damn.?

It seems like he's pretty stressed, but what else is on his mind, I wonder?. ?W-what with??

?Oh, uh... I was going to... write to Iwanako. Right now though, this is more important.?

Oh.

There's little I can say. At least he was honest, I guess.

I think about it, and remember the letter that he mentioned before. It's been a while since he received it, so to reply after all this time... maybe he feels as nervous about that as I do about him. I could definitely understand why.

My heart and mind are both torn down the middle, but upon reflection, he could be replying for all kinds of reasons. And besides, if he was still in love with her, surely he'd have written back as soon as possible? Then again, there could be all kinds of reasons why he would wait. Perhaps he wanted to be certain of his reply. Maybe he just didn't have time at any point to sit down and write it.

I force myself to stop, and to be logical. It's a difficult personal matter, of course it would take him so long to write back. If he still loved her, then surely he would have spoken about her more, and wouldn't have allowed the two of us to become so close. I have nothing to worry about.

That is to say, I hope I have nothing to worry about.

I push it out of my mind and move on. I can let myself rest easy, and try to relax, letting myself fall back onto the soft seat cushion behind me, looking outside and watching the people stroll by. I wait for him to finish his work, and Hisao and I leave together, returning to the dormitories. We separate outside, by the steps, and go our own ways. As I return to my room to start my own work, my mind returns to Iwanako, and drifts away again.

In a way, I think this jealousy is a good sign. I can recognise it for what it is, and embrace it as a sign that maybe I can fight for the things I want. I can fight for what I once felt I didn't deserve. Time will tell if Hisao is someone I need to fight for, and my hopes are high that his response to Iwanako will be nothing more than closure. But in my own thoughts, I can reassure myself that finally, I'm becoming stronger.

I can be real. I can be me.
 

Trivun

Stabat mater dolorosa
Dec 13, 2008
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thesupremegamer said:
hanako and hisao make a cute couple ^^


hell if hanako was real id so date her i dont care if half her body was burned by a fire shes a beautiful and cute girl ^^
Just so's you're aware, have you seen any photos of people who have been badly burned in the same way Hanako was? Not trying to say that people shouldn't like her or that people who have suffered that kind of injury shouldn't be able to have a normal happy life, but it's always good to go into these things with open eyes and be fully aware of the whole scenario. Which is why I'm writing this, so we can see all sides of the story! Woo, a closed circle :)
 

Trivun

Stabat mater dolorosa
Dec 13, 2008
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The VG Cats update comment may be wearing a bit thin and less believable now than we originally thought, but while you mull that over here's a new chapter :D

Hisao and I haven't seen much of each other recently. Not that it's a bad thing ? we need some time apart, given what's fast approaching. I don't usually have much chance to study when in my melancholy, and now I have the time I should grasp it with both hands. That being said, I'd rather study alone, in my room. Too many students descend upon the library around the exam period, and my comforting eyrie can all too easily succumb to the usual stares and thinly veiled comments that have plagued my years here. Besides, I'm used to the solitude.

I can't deny, though, that I miss his presence. Lilly being away is still amplifying my loneliness and Hisao was like a breath of fresh air when I understood that he really did care for my well-being, not just as a means to achieving his own self satisfaction as I so feared. I've dared to do what I thought would be beyond me ? leaving my door unlocked, slightly ajar even. An open invite if Hisao decides to drop by.

A few minutes pass as I lie on my bed, reading through books and borrowed notes. A few hours go by as I sit at my desk, writing out passages and memorising formulae and figures. A couple of days are endured as I close my eyes and whisper to myself, testing my knowledge of my last class. And all the while, my door is unlocked, open, until I finally hear footsteps making their way slowly down the corridor outside...

A very light knocking at the timber is enough to confirm that the owner of those feet is here to see me. Only Hisao would be so gentle; the only other candidates would have pushed their way in with a loud ?WAHAHA!? and no thought to the sanctity of my peace and quiet. I say nothing, but glance out of the window and wait for him to enter, all thoughts of revision gone. My book lies open and ignored on the desk in front of me.

I wonder how I look to him? How does he see me right now...?

?Good evening, Hanako.? I turn my head slightly, if only to acknowledge his presence, and maintain my calm and peaceful demeanour. He walks to the desk and puts a hand on the surface, tilting his head down as if to get a better view of my own face. ?What's up??

I gasp, uncertain of his thoughts as to why I do so, but for me more out of surprise at how close he is. I could almost reach out to touch his hand, a gentle brush, skin on skin... I hold back. Baby steps, though steps nonetheless, are small by their nature. So small, and yet, so many.

My mouth hangs open a little, and I feel the heat rushing to my face as my cheeks turn scarlet. I turn more, though only a little, so I can see him clearly. I look into his eyes, his light brown eyes, and I hold my gaze. He stares at me too, but it's somehow different to every other occasion. It's not the same as the stares I get when I walk in town, or when surrounded by my colleagues in the school premises. He isn't looking at me, he's looking into me.

?Hanako...?? I try to speak, in response to his quizzical comment, but the words refuse to escape my lips. I'm not even sure what I want to say, just that I want to say it, whatever it is. I want him to know every detail of my heart, how he makes me feel, how he lifted me from the dark when no-one else could, but although the words exist within me they reject any attempt to leave. I can make an attempt, though. Strength can come from many places, and the best strength comes from subtlety.

?Hi... sao...? I force the sound out, but as I do so I realise I'm not the only one blushing. Indeed, my face feels a little less red, and I can guess my own embarrassment has faded away. Hisao, on the other hand, is starting to glow. He quickly looks away, covering his face, and out of instinct I do the same. Perhaps some things will never change.

Silence falls. We both wait for the other to make a move, and once I'd have stubbornly waited all day. I attempt to steel myself to bridge the gap, to prove to myself as much as to Hisao that I can for once take the initiative. Before my chance arrives, however...

?Hanako... I want to show you something.? My eyes flash in surprise, wondering what he wants to show me, as I see him breathe in deeply. ?I'm not going to strip naked or anything weird, I'm just going to take off my shirt.?

What? What a way to properly begin a conversation! Although I sense my heart beginning to beat faster, my pulse racing and eyes widening, mouth dropping slightly, my face regaining its former crimson hue... I find myself doing exactly what I hate the most, staring at Hisao as he unknots his tie and loosens his buttons, starting at the top and slowly working his way down. I try to keep myself from breathing too loudly, never quite certain if I'm succeeding or just making myself look like a lustful fool. Finally, he removes the last button and breathes in again, looking at me with an expression as if he's seeking my approval for something.

My gaze is drawn from his face down to his chest, and I can see through the gap in the fabric a thin red line running along the middle. A single brief flicker of my eyes, upwards, and as I meet his own he nods just once. An understanding is formed between us, one where we have no need to speak, for we can see and feel everything of importance in this small room, alone together. I can feel a stirring of sorts, in a place too private to discuss, and am reminded of that simple truth that I am, always, a woman. I gently touch his scar with a single finger, then two, then more until my palm is lightly caressing the raw tissue. It takes me a second to realise which hand I've used. Out of nothing more than pure instinct, I've touched Hisao's scar with my own ruined hand, once set ablaze by something much more damaging and now alight with the glowing embers of emotion. Even so, my hand is steady. Not a single tremor to break the moment.

?This is...? I'm almost scared to speak any more, for fear of spoiling the moment. Hisao takes the reins to complete my tentative query.

?The scar from the surgery that followed my heart attack. The surgeons had to cut open my chest to operate on my heart.?

?I never knew...? It's bigger than I expected. Instead of being a tiny little line of almost healed scar tissue, the scar runs a jagged line from the top of his chest right down to the middle, unbroken as it goes. I trace the line along its whole length, making sure to use only the lightest touch to avoid causing him any pain.

?You're the first person to see this since I left the hospital.?

My first thought belies my spiteful side, however small that may be, as I'm pleased that Iwanako hasn't seen what I have seen, nor felt what I have felt. I swiftly push this to one side though, and focus on the here and now. ?But... why are you showing this to me??

?I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this; that I could accept my past and move on. I wanted to show that to you, as well.? I nod at his words. I can understand, it's what I want to do more than anything in the world. It's just so hard, even now. I'm not sure I'm ready yet. This gesture, though...

I still feel the warmth that lingers below, and find myself torn between love and lust, the sensual undertone to everything taking place. My gaze remains but becomes unfocused, my mind dwelling on other matters, of both the heart and of the imagination. I have no idea how long we remain like this, what could be seconds seem like minutes and minutes turn into hours. Neither of us make any kind of move. Until, suddenly, it's all over, as I remove my hand and look away, my face returning to its previous ruby complexion. Hisao starts to button up his shirt again and I worry that maybe I've portrayed myself as nothing more than a desperate, lonely girl with a perverted mind and lack of self control.

It's almost as if he can sense my concerns, as he flashes me a brief smile whilst putting on his tie. ?So... I guess you're not the only one that's scarred.?

My fears resolved a little, the tension in the air dissipating, I let a smile of my own show. I almost want to laugh a little too, but find it to be too much to manage. The smile will do just fine. ?Thank you... H-Hisao. I think... I understand.? We wait another moment but the silence this time feels less forced, less awkward. I still think it's getting late though, a suspicion confirmed upon a quick sighting of my watch. ?Hisao... um...?

Thankfully, he saw where I was looking and takes the hint. ?Yeah, I'd better be going. I'll be thankful for some sleep. It's been a long day, after all.? He stifles a yawn and I realise I'm almost as tired myself. ?Good night, Hanako.?

?G-good night.? When he leaves, he closes the door behind him, a stark contrast to how it was when he arrived. I don't lock it, though. After all, I am a woman, no longer a girl, and with that comes all the urges and desires that a woman has. I elect to take a short trip to the bathroom before bed, and let my imagination carry me away...
 

SoulSalmon

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Sep 27, 2010
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I haven't posted in this thread before but I just randomly decided to let you know how much I've loved reading this story so far.
I've been checking for updates every few weeks since about the end of Act 2.

I can't ever compare your fanfic to Katawa Shoujo itself, that game made too heavy an impact on my life to fairly compare it to anything, but I will say that I think you've absolutely nailed Hanako's thought process, a lot of shy people with traumatic pasts (well, at least most people I know that fit that description) have a very similar "I'm actually quite strong inside, I just need to prove it and I never want to be a burden or be protected" type attitude and always worrying about things (although, perhaps everyone worries too much when it comes to the feelings of others ;p).
As someone who was once the other half to a person like this I just want to say that you've written Hanako believably with a thought process that fits the original character well and makes sense.

I look forward to the rest of the story.
 

Trivun

Stabat mater dolorosa
Dec 13, 2008
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SoulSalmon said:
I haven't posted in this thread before but I just randomly decided to let you know how much I've loved reading this story so far.
I've been checking for updates every few weeks since about the end of Act 2.

I can't ever compare your fanfic to Katawa Shoujo itself, that game made too heavy an impact on my life to fairly compare it to anything, but I will say that I think you've absolutely nailed Hanako's thought process, a lot of shy people with traumatic pasts (well, at least most people I know that fit that description) have a very similar "I'm actually quite strong inside, I just need to prove it and I never want to be a burden or be protected" type attitude and always worrying about things (although, perhaps everyone worries too much when it comes to the feelings of others ;p).
As someone who was once the other half to a person like this I just want to say that you've written Hanako believably with a thought process that fits the original character well and makes sense.

I look forward to the rest of the story.
Thank you very much, I'm glad to see you're enjoyin it so far :). Not much more to go now either, just three more chapters (and if all goes well I'll have some time tonight to get at least partway through the next one :D). I've said it plenty of times before, but I think the reason people say I manage to nail Hanako's thought process is because it's something I used to go through myself (and still do now, albeit to a much lesser extent). Hopefully I can stay true to that right up until the end.
 

flag_hippo

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May 9, 2014
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I have to say that I have highly enjoyed this too. Infact reading this, has inspired me to dig back into my own creative writing which I kinda drifted away from a while ago.
I like others hope we can see another update soon. However, real life does tend to get in the way of these things sometimes.
Keep up the good work. ^_^
 

Trivun

Stabat mater dolorosa
Dec 13, 2008
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flag_hippo said:
I have to say that I have highly enjoyed this too. Infact reading this, has inspired me to dig back into my own creative writing which I kinda drifted away from a while ago.
I like others hope we can see another update soon. However, real life does tend to get in the way of these things sometimes.
Keep up the good work. ^_^
Thank you, and I'm glad to be an inspiration to someone too :D
 

Trivun

Stabat mater dolorosa
Dec 13, 2008
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Latest chapter now, it's been a long wait again but this time it's a much longer chapter than I've recently been putting out, clocking in at about 4 times as long :). Good job it didn't take me four months to write!

Even I'm not entirely sure why I'm in the city. I suppose it was the need for a break, from the monotony of revising and studying and just being at Yamaku. Normally at a time like this, I would retreat to the lunch room, but there's no guarantee Hisao would be around to join me, and certainly Lilly wouldn't be available, given her present location on the other side of the world. Failing that, perhaps the Shanghai, but again I wouldn't have anyone there I know. Yuuko is having to pull extra time for a few days in the library, just to deal with the added influx of students ? the precise reason I'm no longer there. In the city, I may still get the stares and the attention I'd rather avoid receiving, but at least nobody there is likely to see me again any time soon. It's something that, paradoxically, can be somewhat easier to deal with, since a complete stranger seeing me is a one-off incident that will soon pass from their minds. I know they won't remember me for very long, regardless of how unforgettable my disability may seem to be, and so it's easier for me to get over the initial embarrassment. Of course, it's not exactly that they won't remember me ? nobody can forget my face, the scars that adorn it both so stunningly and distastefully. It's more that they won't remember the person, the individual who wears them like stigmata. When strangers stare, it's better (in a strange and terrible way) than when my colleagues, my fellow students, stare ? the same people who know my name, my age, my home and all those other intimate details that come with co-inhabiting a dorm or taking a class in school.

Which makes it all the more out-of-synch for me when I visit the shop Hisao and I went to previously, where he and Lilly had purchased my... my birthday gifts. As if I need a reminder of that, but the presents and the pleasant wishes and feelings behind them are enough to outweigh the negative connotations of the event itself. The store owner recognises me as soon as I enter, almost putting the lie to my earlier thoughts about remembering me despite my face and scars. Then I realise, he probably doesn't have very many customers, although that raises the question of how he can run a successful business, particularly in such a niche market as antiques. Still, he doesn't make any comment, and in fact seems rather more helpful than in our previous encounter ? perhaps realising that I am still only human, regardless of my physical appearance. We chat a little, though I don't give much away ? my reserved personality still shines outward. It does give me an idea, though. Since I'm not so busy today, perhaps I could see if Hisao wants to spend some time with me? It's a vain hope, but Lilly gave me his number before she left, in case I needed him for anything, and any attempt by me to be stronger needs to be pushed further than the baby steps so far taken.

I take out my phone and look at the three numbers stored within its memory. Lilly, Akira, and Hisao. Such a lonely bunch of numbers, with no-one else to keep them company, but who else would I call? Shizune wouldn't have much use for a phone, all things considered, and I'm hardly close to her as it is. Misha too, I'm not so close to, and she'd probably deafen me every time she answered a call. Miki... maybe not. We'd have very little to talk about, despite previous attempts by her to do so, and besides, that's awkwardness I could do without. Yuuko, perhaps, but I never really asked for her number, and before the past couple of weeks I wouldn't have dared anyway. I push the thoughts away and tap on Hisao's name, his number dialling automatically.

It rings a couple of times before he answers, as my heart pounds in my chest. I don't fail to notice the irony, given who I'm calling. ?Hello,? I hear as the ringing stops, ?Hisao Nakai speaking.? I pause, trying not to breathe too loudly as I consider what to say. ?Hello?? he repeats.

?H... Hisao??

?Hanako?? He recognises my voice, despite being on the other end of a phone. ?Sorry, I wasn't expecting you to call. What's up?? Strangely, to me at least, he doesn't yet question how I have his number.

?U-um... I... um...? I revert to my usual stuttering way, almost regretting the bold move to make this phone call. I push the offending thoughts away and focus on my initial aim. ?If... if you're not busy... I-I was wondering if y-you would... l-like to... m-?

I'm spared from digging myself an even deeper hole by Hisao's realisation of my intentions. ?Meet up??

?Yes!? The relief in my voice is clear, but hopefully not too much so. I backtrack a little... ?U-um... I mean...?

?That sounds fine. Are you at the Shanghai??

I understand why he would assume I'm there, since it's one of the only haunts of mine where I could reasonably chat on a phone, the library being an (apparent) haven of calm and quiet in normal times. He must know that I wouldn't be there with so many people studying for exams, nor in the lunch room on a weekend. The Shanghai is the wrong answer, but a perfectly rational conclusion to come to other than my own room. ?I-I'm in... the city...? The nerves creep back into my voice again. I'm standing outside the antique shop, but begin to walk slowly as I speak, if only to clear my head a bit more.

If Hisao is surprised at my revelation, he hides it well. ?That works out well; I'm just wandering around there now. Where are you?? I have to say, I'm surprised myself. It's a strange coincidence that we should both be in the city, whether for a purpose or just at a loose end, at the same time. It most likely means nothing, but a flicker of wonder works its way into my mind, as if it's fate or some kind of divine providence. A silly thought to be sure, but comforting nonetheless.

I look around to get the name of the street, and some sort of landmark to identify my location, passing the details with a few directions (as much as I can remember) to my current conversational partner. It turns out Hisao isn't very far from where I now am, so we arrange to meet at a small cafe nearby, at an outside table, and I continue to proceed on foot. I arrive before him, and wait alone, happy in the knowledge that the couples and groups of friends occupying the tables nearby are too busy with each other and their own engagements to notice my face and scars. Even so, my chosen table, which I'll readily admit I was lucky to find, is away in a corner, inconspicuous and hidden slightly from most of the other patrons.

It's not very long before Hisao arrives, and I greet him with a small wave when I notice him. ?A-are you feeling okay?? I ask as he sits down, my first thoughts being for his own well-being and health. He's trying to hide how out of breath he is, even attempting a small laugh to deflect attention, but I know from my own years of experience of attempts to distract from my true feelings that he's not being genuine. Though in my case it was always more the situation that I would try and make a scenario so awkward for the other party they would leave, or else flee in fright myself, my timid nature doing the work for me ? in this case it's rather different, and I wouldn't be too happy if he does run away. Assuming he's physically capable of that right now.

?Not very fit these days,? he replies, stating the obvious. ?Don't mind me.? I nod at Hisao's words but my face still betrays my concern. I look at his face, notice the rapid breath that he's trying to hide, the eyes resting on my own features... I quickly look down again, but inside my heart begins to beat just that little bit faster... Before things become too hard to bear, the waitress arrives with my order, placed just before Hisao turned up. A cup of tea, nothing more, but it's the perfect opportunity to hide my face that's growing more red even on the unblemished side, tilting my head to one side to ensure the scars are covered more by my hair.

It's not even for his benefit. I don't think about it, but again I don't mind him seeing the scars ? he already knows me, and knows about my background. The waitress is the one who I perform this task for, to hide myself away more out of instinct and habit than any real concern for my appearance. It's only when Hisao starts to speak rapidly to the waitress that I realise my hand is still showing, catching her attention.

?Excuse me, may I place an order?? The waitress nods in response and Hisao scans the menu she offers, while he makes his choice. I notice her pointedly looking at him rather than me, both a blessing and an indignation acting in tandem. The order is decided - ?Can I have a mango smoothie please?? - and with another nod the waitress retreats inside, almost bouncing in an apparent relief to be away from us. Hisao turns to me, and I decide not to show him what I saw. I push it away as I have done with so many other things (not necessarily a healthy way to be, but certainly a valid short term solution when needs must...).

?N-not coffee...??

The distraction seems to work. ?I think I'd die from this heat if I had something like coffee right now.? I freeze at his words, for two reasons. His poor choice of words, regarding the heat, doesn't bother me as much as it should, and I can attribute it to a simple Freudian slip, a slip of the tongue meant with no malice. The other reason, however, is again regarding Hisao's own health concerns, and although he may be able to joke about it, I can't bring myself to laugh at such a morbid outlook on one's own state of being. My own condition is no longer life-threatening, but Hisao could have many years left on this planet, or a mere matter of minutes, and that constant flux is still a source of mental anguish for me. Albeit one that I can, usually, hide fairly well. My concern for him is still an issue, though, and it seems to show, as he stops speaking and simply waits.

We sit in silence, punctuated only by the ambience around us and my own occasional sips of tea, until the waitress returns with Hisao's smoothie. She doesn't stare as she did earlier, though she doesn't outright avoid looking at me either ? a small improvement, I suppose. On a similar note, however, when she walks away I catch Hisao watching her in return. A pang of envy, now uncomfortably familiar, strikes my heart as I ask him, ?Do you think that she looks... pretty...?? I can tell myself, although not what one would call stunning, she definitely has a charm and grace about her that draws the eye. Something I could never hope to have myself.

He stops for a second, and a tinge of red appears in his cheeks. ?Nah, can't really say that I'm into that look. She just looked a lot like an old friend I knew before my heart attack.?

I try to avoid the dangerous waters that the tenuous conversation is drifting towards, steering away from who I think he may be talking about, and into more general talk of friendships both past and present. ?Did you... have many friends??

?I had a few at my previous school,? Hisao replies, ?though I wouldn't say a lot. The four of us just hung around together after school and stuff.?

It sounds nice. My questioning becomes more natural, feels less forced. ?Do you still talk to them??

Hisao shakes his head. ?No. We gradually lost contact while I was stuck in the hospital.?

?You're not... saddened by that? Or angry?? Having so few friends, I can hardly think about how I'd feel if I lost any of them. Despite my well documented social issues, and my occasional anger and (perhaps misdirected) resentment at my friends, I don't think I could bear to lose Hisao, Lilly, Akira, or even Yuuko. It's somewhat difficult for me to consider how he could have felt as his companions drifted away one by one...

?Well, life did move on for them while I was stuck in the ward. I was pretty sore about it at the time, but now it's just a bunch of nice memories. Besides, once I came to Yamaku I found new friends as well.? My own time hiding my emotions, pushing them away for the sake of avoiding attention, give a hint through his tone and manner of speech that he's not being completely honest. I don't press the subject any further though. If things were as dark for him as I suspect then it'll do no good to drag those shadowed thoughts back into focus. There's a brief silence again, but between us things seem better, the tension I always feel steadily lessening as our sort-of 'date' progresses.

?That's right,? Hisao suddenly begins, ?I was going to ask...? He pauses, and I show a sign of interest at his approaching query. ?I didn't know you had a mobile phone. How'd you get my number??

I'm honestly surprised it took him this long to realise. I answer with honesty, ?L-Lilly... gave it... to me.? I smile at his confused expression.

?You know, you could have just asked; I'd have given it to you.? His face and tone are a mix of mild amusement, happiness, and annoyance, almost with a sense of regret, as if he wishes I'd been bold enough to ask him directly for his number in the first place. ?Want to exchange email addresses??

I nod and show my agreement, as we both dig out our phones. Interestingly enough, our phones are the same, albeit different colours. ?Nice phone,? Hisao says. I can't avoid letting out a short laugh, more a giggle than anything; indeed I don't even want to avoid it.

?I didn't pick it out myself, though.?

?Oh??

?It was a present, from Lilly.? At the end of the day, I wouldn't have bothered buying a phone myself. Too few contacts for it to be worthwhile. ?I never really needed a phone, and I couldn't afford one. She bought me one for Christmas, though, saying that we could use it to keep in touch.? I break off, content to let my words sink in.

?Lilly's a very special person to you, isn't she??

He's right. She's almost like a sister I never had the chance to grow up with. ?She is. I... love her... very much.? My eyes drop, the smile on my face becoming all the more fixed and genuine, as my mind fills with the happiest memories I have of my friendship with Lilly. After a moment, we finally swap email addresses and tap them into our phones, building up the contacts. ?...Done. That makes three, now.?

?Three??

?Lilly, Akira, and you.?

?Ah, Akira. She's an interesting person, isn't she?? I forget, Hisao doesn't really know her that well, only meeting her briefly in the past few weeks. Unlike our earlier subject of discussion, I don't feel any envy regarding Akira, maybe because I can tell just from Hisao's tone and manner that he's asking in a purely innocent way. She's a bit old for him anyway, I guess...

?She is. She's also really nice, though. Her suit makes her... look a bit cool.? It's a fair comment to make, she certainly knows how to pull off the masculine look while still retaining that feminine air about her. It's somewhat... impressive, I think.

?I'm a little surprised you know each other well, what with her job taking up so much of her time.? He's failed to understand, given how few friends I really have, that those ones I do have mean the world to me, and more besides...

?How many... do you have?? Asking about his phone contacts, I dodge Hisao's question, not out of malice, but because it'll be nice to see if he can work out the answer for himself, even if he keeps the result hidden.

?Me? About nine or ten.? He hesitates, and I can only assume this is out of careful consideration of his next words, to avoid any wrong comment hurting my feelings. I really don't mind, but his subtle sentiment without being overt and pushy is just the kind of support I need. Quiet, but reliable. I say nothing, allowing him to speak in his own time. ?I imagine that Lilly would have more than both of us put together, probably.? I'd say he's right. Another giggle works its way through my lips, another smile dawning on my face...

?Do you mind if I ask you something that I've been wondering?? Hisao says. I shake my head, meaning that I don't mind. ?You don't seem very jealous of Lilly having lots of friends. Don't you want to make some more friends yourself, or get to know some of hers??

He's treading on thin ice now, a shockingly fast reversal from the quiet concern and consideration of earlier. I choose to head him off early, using the truth itself as my weapon, knowing his reaction to my words will be a clear indication of whether he does intend to push me into 'becoming normal', as I once feared. ?I'm not jealous. I... don't like people, so I don't mind not having many friends.? Another momentary pause. ?I...? I rub my arm, unsure of whether to continue.

Hisao's silence is a decent indicator that he's not going to force the point. My fears were unfounded after all. Emboldened by this, I choose to bare myself once more, speaking about my past with an honesty that I could never bring myself to achieve with the layperson straight up asking about my tragedy. ?In middle school, I got bullied... a lot. I was called names, and got excluded from work groups and sports teams. There were... worse things too.?

Talking about my past is hard, but it's something I wouldn't have considered a few weeks ago, and now I feel I trust him enough to be able to bare myself. So much has changed, oh so quickly. ?And that's what made you not like other people??

He's a bit far off, in terms of timing. It was before then, as I indicate with a single shake of the head. ?That was... elementary school.? I wait a moment, letting my silence fill in the blanks. Surely he can understand just how difficult it was? Children can be so cruel, especially since they haven't learned like adults have how to stay silent. They let themselves say the first thing that comes to mind, and give no thought to the damage they can cause. I take my phone and allow myself to be distracted, the memories starting to well up and make me more aware, more paranoid, of the people around me. Though my conscious mind knows they don't notice me, most of the couples nearby caring more about their own interactions, I find myself reverting yet again to that same old state of mind, crippling myself without reasonable cause...

?Hey, Hanako, wait for me. I'll be right back.? Hisao rushes off, slipping his phone in his pocket and replacing the now empty smoothie cup on the table. I don't understand, where is he going?

?Wait, w-what? Wh-where are you going??

?Just stay here, I'll be back in a bit!? He leaves me alone and I'm left to ponder what he's up to. It takes around half an hour for him to return, the time spent by me imagining all sorts of scenarios, not many of them exactly pleasant. It would be easy for him to abandon me here, though I see no reason why he would. I can make my way back to Yamaku fairly easily, and why go to the trouble of agreeing to see me here if he was going to leave partway through? It would make no sense. Is it to do with my past, and my admittedly minor attempt at opening up again? Have I frightened him away, too much baggage for one person to deal with so early? My mind races and I try again to distract myself, the internet on my relatively tiny screen providing a useful way to escape from these dangerous thoughts.

After a while Hisao makes his return, clutching a small bag in one hand, which he lightly drops in front of me. ?Is this...?? I wonder what could be inside the bag?

?It's for you. You can open it.?

?B-but...?

?Go on.? He's insistent that I open it here, right now, presumably so he can see my reaction ? whether positive or negative. It takes me a few moments to consider before ultimately deciding to open the bag, allowing the loose contents to spill onto the table.

Before me lies a silver chain, with a loop of cloth at one end and a delicately carved flower made of timber, hand painted in white and yellow, the gentle colours of cream and corn. The carving is rudely done and imperfect, clearly made by hand by a craftsman without much experience, but it only adds to the charm, its limitations resonating with my own marred appearance. To me, it's beautiful.

I glance at Hisao - ?But... it's not... Christmas, or my birthday...?

?It's fine, don't worry about it. I just thought it might be nice to have something to decorate your phone with.? I realise that really, this phone could hardly be considered mine ? Lilly bought it, both as a gift and as a useful tool to stay in touch, and Hisao bought the silver chained flower, not me. I do appreciate them both, still, massively and without either of them realising the full extent of my gratitude, how valuable the boost to my own sense of self-worth proved to be. Even so, there's a not-so-insignificant twinge of guilt in my mind and heart.

?I-I don't have anything to give to you...?

?I told you, it's fine. Friends can give things to each other like this sometimes, right??

?Friends...? I don't even try to hide the smile, though I do look down out of slight embarrassment. It's a good thing, though. I wonder if he knows I want more than that from him, more than friendship? I nod, attach the chain to my phone, and smile again at him. ?Thank you... Hisao.?

He smiles back at me, and it crosses my mind that maybe, just maybe, I'll have to be bold and take the next step. I don't know if he's ever going to feel ready to make a move and show his feelings towards me, if he really has them. Maybe he only does see me as a friend, and I'm wasting my time by pretending that we could ever be anything more. It would be the most confident thing I've ever done, if I do take that step, and I'll need to think it through carefully. Chances are I won't even have the drive to do it, I'll probably back down as I have done with so many other things before. Then again, I've gotten this far, and built up my confidence to a level that, while weak by most standards, is still vastly improved on any kind of feeling I've previously had. Should I try it? Should I be bold, when we're next alone and the opportunity comes? As I consider it, Hisao's voice draws me back to the here and now.

?I guess I'd better be going if I want to catch the next bus back to town. You coming as well??

?Ah, y-yes.? I take my things and we walk together to the bus station, my hand lightly resting on his arm, no longer a symbol (I hope) of fear, but more a sign of affection. I hope that he notices too. As we walk, I think about the future, and about my plans, to take whatever opportunity comes and push forward with a new step in our slow dance towards each other. I have no idea when that opportunity will come, or what it will be, but at least I can go forward knowing that whatever I do, I do on my own terms.

I only hope that I can bring myself to take that step when I see it.
 

flag_hippo

New member
May 9, 2014
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I am loving your portrayal of Hanako. As someone who was really shy in childhood I can relate to bits of this. You should be proud as a writer. I've read/seen plenty of stuff about the shy/anti-social that totally off and written without the slightest bit of research.
Keep up the good work. ^_^
 

Trivun

Stabat mater dolorosa
Dec 13, 2008
9,831
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Hi all! Just a quick update as it's gone past the time that I normally get a new chapter uploaded, so I think I should let everyone know what's happening (and reassure everyone that I am still alive. Please ignore the maggot in my eye socket, that's completely unrelated.). I understand you may be disappointed, or not, to hear that the latest chapter - hasn't been written yet.

There is a good reason for this, however - we're currently in the process of moving house which means my evenings and weekends have been filled with packing and moving stuff, and whatever free time I've had has ended up being spent recovering physically and mentally from this. The good news, however, is that the move is done! Almost, that is. We're in a rented house right now (as the house my parents are buying will take at least a couple of months for the paperwork and legal stuff to be sorted), so most of my stuff is still in boxes. Even so, I will have time now to be able to write again, meaning the penultimate chapter (yes, THAT one...) will be forthcoming relatively soon. Which brings me to the slight bad news again.

The actual update won't be for a while, even after I've finished writing the chapter. The reason for this is simply that I've been posting this story to three different websites - The Escapist forums, the official KS forums, and Fanfiction.net. Due to the move we are without internet at home, so the only internet access I can reasonably get without driving however far to the nearest library (not very accessible given where we're renting) is at work, and only two of those websites are accessible at work (FF.net is blocked by our company servers). I'd like to release each chapter simultaneously, so if one site is unavailable then the release will sadly have to be postponed.

Never fear though, I will be working on both the penultimate and final chapters as and when I can, and as soon as I am able to do so they will be published online in all three locations for everyone to (hopefully) enjoy! My parents are looking at getting the internet in our rented house, but this isn't guaranteed - if push comes to shove I'll stick everything on a USB stick and take it to the library or something, but in any case I will find a solution. Until then, I hope it's not too long a wait for everyone.
 

Trivun

Stabat mater dolorosa
Dec 13, 2008
9,831
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0
flag_hippo said:
I am loving your portrayal of Hanako. As someone who was really shy in childhood I can relate to bits of this. You should be proud as a writer. I've read/seen plenty of stuff about the shy/anti-social that totally off and written without the slightest bit of research.
Keep up the good work. ^_^
Thank you my friend, and apologies for the late reply (please see the previous post for reasons). I'm happy to see you're enjoying this story so much, and to see that I've managed to connect somehow :). As for the research, well, to be fair my only research (aside from the game itself) was my own childhood and adolescence - fortunately without the scars that Hanako suffers...

DarkwaveXaldin said:
Just registered to say how much i love your work^^ i hope the next chapter will be so awesome like the previous
And to you as well, many thanks for your kind words :). I hope you enjoy the next chapter as much as I will enjoy writing it!
 

Trivun

Stabat mater dolorosa
Dec 13, 2008
9,831
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Right then, I'll admit that I didn't expect to write this so soon after my previous announcement, but I had a lot of time on my hands yesterday evening since seeing England do so poorly in their World Cup game basically meant I had no interest in watching us getting hammered. Seriously, we're terrible, and I'm not even a massive fan of football... Anyhow, I had time to get through this penultimate chapter, and despite saying before I wanted to release it simultaneously on all three sites I decided I'd give both the Escapist and the KS Forums an early release. I'll try and get it up on FF.net later, since the work computers won't let me access that site - a trip to the library is probably in order to use their internet connection...

My mind resolved, at least a little more than it was before (though admittedly that's not saying much), I still end up arriving late to class. A queue for the showers is to blame, considering I normally end up either first by a considerable margin, or last by a narrower time frame, due almost entirely to my condition.

In any case, I manage to arrive before Mutou-sensei, without being early enough to avoid the usual stares from a few of my classmates (a practice that thankfully subsided considerably after the first few weeks of being at Yamaku, but still has a few hangers-on, particularly from those who came to this school after I did). Sometimes, rarely, I start to think everyone is used to it by now, seeing my scars, but then the worries kick in and I'm back to my stressed, withdrawn self. Now it's getting better, but it's still always hard work to force my mind back to a calm state of being.

As I enter I notice Hisao almost immediately. Our eyes meet, and I see him frozen, as if the two of us have switched places. It's not like him, and the sudden role reversal almost feels creepy. I say nothing, and make my way to my seat without a second glance.

What must he be thinking?

The day passes uneventfully, and I barely speak to Hisao in all that time. We spend lunch together, but it seems so awkward. It feels like a dull pressure on my heart, making it ache ever so slightly. Every time I think of talking to him, a lump forms in my throat and I'm unable to form the words.

I realise now how lonely I've been, all this time. Having had a taste of friendship from Lilly and Akira, and possibly something more from Hisao, I understand what I was missing. And I miss it now. Deeper down, though, a nasty suspicion lurks, that he's just following the role of protector as I once believed Lilly to be doing too. If he is, and he only cares enough to want to wrap me up in cotton and keep me safe, then we can never be anything more than this. Still, the little things, like the phone charm, are enough to convince my conscious mind of his genuine nature, regardless of what my subconscious thinks.

The contradictions surface again! My mind is uneasy, yet I justify everything to myself to try and quell any fears and doubts, and again I chase myself in circles. He mentioned the library earlier, and I make a decision, to finally face my fears, to focus myself and perform the boldest move yet, in approaching him directly and asking him to spend time with me. No hesitation, no feeble attempts to back out of my own choice. If he won't take the leap, then I'll have to instead.

He's sitting in the same space as always. ?A-are you busy...??

?Hanako!?? His reaction is one of surprise, and I back away just a little. He didn't expect me to come to him here, with so many people in the library. Then again, neither did I. ?Sorry, you just startled me.?

Hisao pauses a little, then whips his head around quickly, looking back at the book he was reading before I turned up. I wait with patience, knowing that he's not paying attention to the text - I've used the same tactic myself many times before, usually with greater success, to deter people from staying and trying to talk. It may sound like ignorance, but to me it was usually closer to blessed peace. At any rate, after a moment or two he stops trying to read and, with a sigh, closes the book. ?What's up??

I'm not entirely sure how to answer, now the first step has been made. I'm effectively riding on the wind, hoping I can fly. ?I was just... w-wondering what you were r-reading...? He gets up without answering and puts the book back on the shelf.

?Just an English textbook.? I think, upon hearing his reply, how Lilly would be the perfect tutor for that subject. I can't exactly say my own English is very good, but with Lilly's help I've certainly improved over the course of my studies.

?H-has it helped??

?It helped me realise that I don't like English, yeah.? Again, Lilly would be the ideal remedy to that condition. It eases me enough that I return to the same state I've felt so often recently and never before, a small giggle escaping my lips.

As I laugh, however quietly (we are in a library after all), I see Hisao looking at me again, a very minor look of confusion on his face. It's concerning. ?I-is something... wrong??

His answer throws me, yet positively. ?Hey Hanako, do you mind if I ask you a question??

?I-I don't mind.?

?I... want to know what your life was like. Your life before coming to Yamaku.? He speaks plainly, and although I've touched on aspects before I've never gone into even the barest amount of detail about my life before this. Is Hisao actually... treating me as an equal? Well, not before time. I think long and hard before I answer, not exactly questioning my decision to let myself get so close, but rather wondering if I trust myself enough to reveal myself in such a way. Eventually, a single nod signifies my consent. With a condition, that is. If he considers me an equal...

?Okay. B-but in return... you have to t-tell me about your life as well...? I stammer less, I notice, and speak relatively firmly. I feel resolute as I utter the words. Hisao nods, and I start to walk away, as he follows, so we can avoid disturbing our fellow students as they study (and also hopefully avoid any eavesdroppers, like Misha for example, from hearing me talk about my old life...). I don't know where this will end, but I realise that this is just the kind of opportunity I was thinking about following our 'date' in the city. I'm glad, however tentatively, for taking it.

?I guess...? he starts, ?we'll start with coming to Yamaku.? I listen in silence. ?Let's see... I was in the hospital when my parents first told me about Yamaku Academy. The doctors told me I shouldn't go to my old school any more. My parents agreed and persuaded me to apply for Yamaku, even though it would mean living away from them for the first time.?

There's a note of bitterness, but not as much as I've heard in others, nor in Hisao himself when we first met. He was as reluctant to open up back then as I was, as I still am in fact. To my ears, it sounds as if he's accepted his place here, whether to a greater or lesser extent. ?It must have... been hard for you.?

?Well... yeah, I have to admit that it was. My parents both work long hours and full-time, so having to live reasonably independently wasn't anything new to me. It was the fact that I was going to a school for disabled students that hit hardest, I think.? I can understand, and it seems my guess to the mildly bitter tone in the voice was correct. ?And you??

Before I can answer, a small group walks by, and I react on pure instinct, pushing close to Hisao. Or is it just instinct? I'm not certain, but it feels like an impulse in my mind telling me, ?take the chance, take the opportunity?. His body is warm and comforting, but it's not just the safety that attracts me to his side. My subconscious mind acts and begins to reconcile with the decisions I've consciously made in recent days, to become more bold and to use my initiative, something so rarely exercised before.

Clutching Hisao's arm, not too tightly, I reply to his previous query. ?The staff at the o-orphanage offered me some options on what I could do. Middle school... hadn't been good, so I thought that Yamaku might be better. It was isolated, and I thought it might be easier to get by here with most of the others being disabled.?

I wonder if he realises the irony, that we bonded so much despite having such different reasons to come here. Polar opposites, in fact. My condition is mostly external, the mental situation aside, while for Hisao it's completely internal (other than the operation scars). Although we both had troubles fitting in, even if my difficulty was so much more pronounced than his. I conveniently 'forgot' to mention, for that matter, just how tough it ended up being for me.

?What was life like at the orphanage??

?It was... okay. The staff there were nice, and they took care of us. The children there didn't talk to me much, but I didn't really want to talk with them either, so I didn't mind.? They were never the problem. They had to live with me, so they grew to tolerate me at least. As for the staff, even if they didn't actively help me or do much to dissuade the few bullies, they were decent enough. I felt safe, and almost happy with them. School was the problem, being out there in the world and having to face the prejudice so inherent in our society, more so in Japan. Teachers and children alike, with no obligation to support me and a matter of honour to shun me.

I return my thoughts to a better frame of mind, as I continue. ?The orphanage had a little library, so I started to read to pass the time. The staff didn't mind it, because it made me easier to handle than many of the other children.?

?You didn't make any friends there??

I didn't, but it's something I accepted long ago. ?No. I think... my life was on hold... during that time. I knew that, but I didn't mind.?

We leave the main building and wander into the main courtyard, the school behind us with the dormitory wings on either side. The sky is orange, a bright sunset framing the scene. I can't avoid glancing at Hisao, but he looks away. Why? Could it be out of nerves, awkwardness, or something else? His face gives nothing away, and I look elsewhere myself, avoiding the hypocrisy of staring.

I ask him, ?What was it like in the hospital??

He waits for a moment, before resuming the discussion. ?It was okay at times, but at others it was pretty bad. At the beginning, everyone sent their sympathies, and came to visit often. It was just like breaking an arm or something.? His simile is lost on me, as I've never broken a limb, nor had the same kind of care from others when in hospital. I was too young to really remember much of my time there, but what I do remember is enough. Certainly I didn't get visitors, my parents having died and whatever other relatives I had deciding to wash their hands of me.

?Meeting all my friends,? he continues, ?was one of the good times. Iwanako came in often as well; more often than anyone else.? At her name, I expect the usual pang of jealousy, but this time it doesn't come. Perhaps because I realise, I'm closer now to Hisao than she ever was. I don't think this in a malicious or selfish way, more so in a statement of the facts. I've spent more time with Hisao these past few weeks, without him being in a hospital bed, but actually doing things and building that friendship. If things had been different, I may never have even met him, and none of this would matter.

?But there were bad times, too. When my friends slowly stopped visiting, I began to realise how grave my situation was. It reminded me that this wasn't just a broken limb, but that I was now a different person than before. Even the times Iwanako would spend with me became torturous. By the end, we were reduced to silence, whereas before, she'd be talking constantly.? Hearing him speak is such an insight into the slow decay of so many friendships, so many relationships, and it hurts me to hear him, the bitterness creeping back slowly. However, I promised to listen, to allow him to bare himself mentally in return for me doing the same. I asked for it, and it would be a poor decision to back away now. The pain needs to be shared.

?I think the three lowest points would have been when my parents told me I wouldn't be going to my old school any more, my birthday passing while I was in the hospital, and... when Iwanako left for the last time.? Jealousy aside, whatever I may feel, I can't deny that one's first love will always be something memorable, something to cherish in the darkest times and mourn the end of.

We head through the gardens, leaving the busy school behind us and passing into a quieter environment. ?What was your middle school like?? I ask Hisao. I have no desire to relive my own middle school memories, but I'm interested to hear of his.

?I liked it. I grew up in a really metropolitan area, and the middle school was nearby, so it was pretty crowded. I didn't mind it, probably because I'm used to being in crowds and around lots of other people.? What seems like hell to me is heaven to him. Yet another contrast, yet another way we fit together like a jigsaw puzzle despite the differences between us. ?I got good marks, and I played soccer with my friends. I spent a fair bit of time hanging out with them after school as well. Did get teased a bit over my hair, though.?

Now I'm the one puzzled. ?Your hair?? I frown slightly. It looks fine to me.

?I'd keep getting tufts and strands that refused to flatten or stay where I wanted them,? he says, ?and my mother wouldn't let me just get my hair shaved.? As he speaks, he puts a hand to his head, seemingly out of habit rather than any real need to flatten his apparently unruly locks. ?It had a habit of popping out, no matter how much I tried to brush it down.?

I can see what he means, it does look a bit messy, but not really anything I noticed before now. Definitely not as bad as he's claiming. Then again... ?It still does, a little.?

?I was worried I'd get that reply.?

I'm not sure how to react. ?S-sorry, I didn't mean to...!? He laughs a little and waves a hand, brushing away any offence.

?It's fine, I know it still does.? I laugh as well, only a bit, but enough to show I realise he was joking. Not that I realised before, and I muse briefly how that would have been obvious to anyone other than me, but at least I'm in a position now where I can start to learn these aspects of social conventions, and become more natural in the way I act.

Our journey has looped around now, through the gardens and grounds and back to the courtyard. We walk towards the girls' dormitories, not with any clear direction but more out of a natural progression. I still cling to Hisao's arm, out of affection as much as for protection, and it's comforting to me to know he's not pushing me away. We enter the building, passing another small group that drives me closer to Hisao, and we continue up the stairs. I realise now, whether intentionally or not, I've been leading the way the whole time.

This is a new development.

?Why did we come to your dormitory room?? he asks me, and I think of an answer. I suppose my subconscious mind brought us here, to seek out and take the opportunity that I wished would come, to bare myself to Hisao not just in a mental sense, but to show him just how deeply my scars lie.

?Hanako?? He stops as we reach the door to my room, while I look straight ahead, still nervous about answering the question. I hesitate, unsure whether to say anything, then decide not to and open the door. He follows me in, as I hoped he would, and as he waits I turn to look at him directly. Before he has the chance, I finally start to speak.

?Could you... close and lock the door??

I do this knowing exactly where it might lead. Education on... that topic... has been an important part of the Yamaku curriculum in previous semesters, considering that although technically against the rules, the faculty are well aware of what may happen when several dozen teenagers (almost all going through the same bodily changes regardless of the state of said bodies) share living space together. If I didn't want this, on some mental level, then I would never have brought him here. If nothing happens, then no harm done, and if it does... well, that's a hurdle we can cross when we reach it. Or am I reading too deeply into this...?

As he turns the key, I first remove my shoes, then place one hand on my heart, and move it towards the buttons on my blouse. The other hand is on the other side of my breast, pausing, undoing the top buttons, stopping after the first. Hisao returns and looks across, stopping dead in his tracks as I remember the windows and move to close the curtains. My back is directed to him, my fingers deftly continuing to undo at least the top few buttons, leaving the highest part of my blouse loose save for the ribbon at my throat. I make a concerted effort not to stammer or allow my voice to falter in any way as I speak, forcing myself to be calm.

?You told me about your past, so I have to tell you mine.? That was the agreement we made, and it's something I wouldn't have done if I didn't feel confident enough to be so honest with him. I take a deep breath, move my fingers to the piece of cloth around my neck, and pull away the knot keeping it secure.

?H-Hanako...? Now he's the one stammering. It starts to drive me back towards my own impediment of speech, yet I remain focused. It gives me something of a thrill, to see our roles reversed so drastically, though knowing what I'm about to reveal about my past threatens to drag my old neuroses and worries back into the fray.

?P-please... don't say anything.? He stays silent, following my instructions, as I finish undoing my blouse with my back still turned to him. I move my fingers under the shirt to my back and unclasp my bra, feeling for the first time self-conscious. Still he says nothing, and I assume his silence to be consent to continue. Consent works both ways, after all, and regardless of my own comfort (even if it is very much on the border), Hisao's comfort is something that must also be considered.

Clothes loose from the waist up, I next take off the clip of my skirt, allowing it to drop to the ground around my feet. Finally, I take my blouse in my hands, gently lowering it to display the horror that adorns my body. The bra falls away with it, leaving me standing in only my underwear and stockings. It's the most vulnerable I've ever felt, and yet strangely, also the most liberated. I understand that this state of being is fully in my control.

?This is me. All... of me.?

I allow him a moment to see just how the fire affected me, on a purely physical level. The mental scars run much deeper, and it's time he understood just how much. I'm lucky to be alive, and it's thanks to great sacrifice that I'm able to even be here. To finally tell the tale.

?The fire happened when I was eight years old. It was night, and we were sleeping when it started.? My hands shake and I know he can see as the blouse drifts too, still clutched between my fingers. My voice breaks as I return to those awful memories, the same ones I try to hide from every day of my life. ?I... curled up into a ball... when the fire swept over me. My mother... tried to shield me. Th-that's the only reason... I lived...? Tears well in my eyes as the buried emotions surface. Hisao remains silent.

?I'm sorry... for making you see this.? His lack of reaction forces me to utter these words, brings me so close to regressing to my previous state of existence, to the timid and broken girl I used to be. No! I have to endure... I have to be strong...

?It doesn't matter,? says Hisao. ?You're a wonderful person, Hanako. Your body doesn't change that.? I look across at him, but fail to focus on him. I'm lost in the memories, conflicting between the pain of seeing my parents die before my eyes, a corpse positioned between me and a burning abyss, and the happy times I've shared not only with Hisao, but with Lilly too, and Akira, and even Yuuko. I realise how much this must mean to him, in multiple ways, and how exposed I've made myself only for the chance, the possible sacrifice, to be worth so much. His words are like a lightning rod stirring me to continue, driving me forward, convincing me that this is not in vain. Convincing me I've made the right choice.

He walks towards me, and I let go of the blouse as he touches my shoulder lightly. My reaction is partly out of being startled, but it's also a sign - I want to continue. He places both hands on me, one on each shoulder. I want him to see that I'm not just a girl. I'm an adult woman, with the same feelings and urges any woman has. ?I know... that I'm not pretty... like Lilly. I just... wanted you... to see me. The real me.? I hope he understands what I mean. The real me... inside and out.

?I've already seen the real you, though. You didn't need to take off your clothes for that.?

I'm not sure if he does understand or not. I open my lips just a tiny amount, barely noticeable, and let out the smallest of sighs. Hisao moves closer, and his lips touch mine. He does understand, and I let out a bigger breath, one that I hadn't realised I was holding. It lasts for only a few seconds, though it feels like longer, and I know that he feels that way too. Such a relief for me. My first kiss...

I look into his eyes, unsure whether to proceed or halt before things go too far. It's conflicting within me, how much I want this, how I want him to see how strong I can be to be able to take such a step, and yet a part of me considers this may not be such a great idea. Nevertheless, after a brief moment of hesitation, Hisao follows suit, removing his tie and undoing the buttons of his shirt. As he reveals his body to me I look down at the ground, not entirely certain how to react and allowing the nerves to get the better of me again. Still, I make no move to stop him, nor to move away. If I really want things to stop I know to say the words, to make it clear.

Even so, despite knowing and anticipating the inevitable next step, my body still flinches without warning, on pure instinct, when I hear him pull down the zip on his trousers. It seems he's as nervous as I am though, as he removes everything else but leaves his light blue boxers on. It's understandable, if it's his first time (as I assume), the same as it is mine. ?Hanako...?

I need to take the initiative again, though it's a question of the two parts of my mind fighting for control. One part wants this, so desperately, and to take the leap in our strange relationship. The other part, while not willing to step away, advocates caution. I end up nodding and walking to the bed, though the stiffness in my legs gives away the battle. Hisao then tries to take the same measure, making a bold move too, but he's as awkward as I am. He sits on the bed, looks at me, then away to the floor, trying to avoid staring. On one hand I wonder if it's because he doesn't find me attractive, though if that were the case why would he allow things to get this far? Or is it to preserve my own modesty, in which case it's both almost laughable and sweet at the same time.

I choose to move forward with things, and sit between his legs on the edge of the bed, my back positioned against his chest, our scars meeting as one. A wave of emotion runs over me, love and lust combining to make my breath shallow, a warm sensation rushing through my most intimate parts. I don't know if Hisao can hear my breath becoming faster or feel my heart racing, but he places one hand upon my left breast, and his other on my right thigh. He starts to stroke the inside of my leg gently, a tender caress as a tiny squeak forces itself from my lips.

?Sorry,? as he stops abruptly. ?I didn't mean to startle you.? No, don't stop. Please. I feel safe here, in your arms, though my only clear response is a brief shake of the head.

I think how this may not be so bad, but what does he think? Am I still the vulnerable waif in need of protection, or is he starting to see me as a woman? The implications of the former are too distressing to consider, so I shut them out and try to force myself to enjoy the moment, allowing the waves of pleasure to wash over me with his touch.

He continues, massaging the tip of my nipple and lightly stroking the breast, a soft motion that only serves to intensify my arousal. After a little while I stop being so tense and begin to relax, letting myself drop a little into his arms. My breathing slows and I let myself enjoy the moment. My nipples harden, my underwear starts to become ever so slightly moist. Hisao takes this as a sign, moving his hand slowly down towards my legs, and between them. He gives me plenty of time to say no, to protest, but I stay quiet and let the flow continue. I adjust my position instead, forcing myself closer into him as I feel his own arousal growing, a hard lump (a bit larger, it seems, than I expected) pushing its own way against me. From this, I know now. I want him, so badly. His fingers start to move, on the outside of my underwear, pressing in and making me feel so good, rubbing against the most sensitive part of my body. My breathing gets faster, my body tenses, and then...

He stops again. This time I'm relieved, not wanting the moment to reach its end so soon. A long breath is let out, my face lifts up to meet his eyes, and although I say nothing I allow my expression to do the talking. I want more, so much more, and this taste is hardly satisfying.

Hisao nods, no more, no less. He waits, before pushing away from me and further up the bed. My head falls back on the pillow, still breathing heavily, still desperate for his touch. I look at him again and open my legs to show my willingness. He moves closer, prompting a nod from me, no words needed to display what we both want. He pulls down the stockings as far as my knees, takes both legs in his hands, and lifts, to reveal my vagina, pulling aside my underpants to show the eager sight. There's no going back now, my deepest desires are unfulfilled as of yet, and I can't allow them to go unsatisfied for much longer. He seems to agree, returning his delicate fingers to the area of my pleasure and continuing the motions of before. My breathing comes quickly once more and the arousal becomes more intense and more sustained, my body screaming out for his attentions.

He knows what I want, he must know, as he finally undoes the button on his boxers and moves closer, allowing his hardened penis to emerge. It's larger than I thought, though I don't exactly have anything to compare it to... almost too large, for my first time...

He hesitates, as if he can sense my fears about the size. No lubrication save my own natural flow, my fears take on a new form... I look into his eyes, and a new realisation dawns. His face is red, eyes closed, and his breathing heavy, and I don't think it's only because of the situation we've entered so hesitantly. After all, there's still a reason we're both at Yamaku.

?Are you... okay...??

He opens his eyes and looks at mine. ?I'm okay. I was just making sure that I was.? That's alright, and I nod in reply. He responds with another kiss, leaning over me and brushing his lips against mine, our tongues just peeking out to touch in yet another display of newly discovered intimacy. I let the tension in my body go and prepare myself, before he pulls back again. I wonder why as he feels around for his trousers, and although I wonder why he's carrying the little foil packet around campus with him, I recall a recent lecture on sex education from Mutou-sensei warning us all to be prepared. I didn't think Hisao would be this prepared, admittedly, but as he slides the condom onto his erection I can't help but laugh. Nothing more than a tiny giggle, but more out of relief considering the lubricated variety Hisao was kind enough to provide, which should hopefully make things a bit easier.

That being said, his preparation does little to ease my concerns on the situation. Maybe he didn't expect this to happen, but potentially at some point, would he have made the move? If so, then did I really need to push forward so much, going against all my previous movements within our tangled relationship? Putting my heart on the line for something that may have happened in a more natural state sooner or later, easing the tension we can both instinctively feel and making this affair so much easier to handle. Surely this can't be the best idea, using sex to build bridges that were never truly broken in the first place!

We return to our positions, finally ready to begin. Hisao grips his penis to guide it into place, where my eyes are pointing. He breaths in and moves forward, hips pressed against mine, feeling for the opening. It's not what I would call erotic, the tension still so great between us, and yet the emotions are there.

?Aaah!? I let out a brief cry of pain, cut short, as he enters me fully, our hips pushing hard against each other. It's not a problem, but for my first time, to take something so big and break through, it hurts a little. I'd heard it would. I just never, before meeting Hisao, expected to experience it first hand.

Another moment of hesitation as he looks at me, concerned. I don't want him to stop, especially now he's already inside me, so I try to smile as the pain goes away. I don't think he's convinced, though. Still, he waits for me to get used to the feeling, without leaving me, and after a while begins to move back and forth in a steady fashion.

The pain is gone, I hardly remember it being there in the first place. My worries subside for a moment. Instead they've all been replaced by a warm feeling, more intense than anything I've achieved myself in my solitary shower sessions. Moans escape my lips, brief gasps of delight as the feeling builds and forces my body to convulse, lightly at first then more and more and more as I inch ever closer to climax. As he enters and pulls away and enters again, our skin rubbing together, my clitoris is softly stimulated, making the feeling so much more powerful. I never knew it could be this good!

It's not all so enjoyable, though, as the pain starts to return, less in my nether regions and more to do with the scar tissue that still has never fully healed. We move around to try and minimise the pain and maximise the pleasure,focusing on each other and nothing more. I still feel excited down below, my moans threatening to become louder screams of passion, although we both know we can't allow my neighbours to hear. The thrusting becomes quicker, I tense up more and more and feel Hisao doing the same, knowing that his time is approaching just as mine is. ?Hanako...!?

As he calls my name I shriek in ecstasy, and we reach climax together; I feel a twitching inside me as the orgasm races through my body and mind and soul. It takes a few seconds but it seems like so much longer, his twitches putting pressure on my sensitive parts and making me come even more, forcing me to turn and repeating the effect with him. I breathe in, then out, and in again, finally letting myself relax and enjoying the moment, our bodies resting against each other. Every inch of me is in euphoria, every point where our skin meets only heightening the sensation. My dark thoughts are briefly forgotten.

Hisao falls to the side of me, head resting on the pillow. Both of us naked, the most intimate and difficult moment of my life over all too soon. We're both drenched in sweat, but none of it matters, both of us exhausted yet lying side by side on a bed built for one. The pain is a distant memory for me and I know that next time, if there ever is a next time, it will be easier.

I look across to Hisao to see a hand on his chest, where his heart lies, and his eyes closed. I don't know quite what to do, but his breathing is under control. My waiting pays off as less than a minute later, he opens his eyes to meet my gaze.

?I'm... okay. Everything's... back to normal.?

I smile in relief, and whatever thoughts Hisao may be having, whatever doubts are in his mind, I feel as if they're assuaged by my happy face. He returns the smile, and I can sense how genuine he is, how pleased he is for everything that we just went through. Still, the doubts are creeping around in my mind. I have no doubt he wanted this, but he just wanted to protect me before. How must he be feeling, especially if he believes I was playing along to satisfy his own desires? This was my choice, I understood from the beginning, yet it's easy to see how it may look to an outsider, let alone a young man who admittedly isn't the most perceptive. My awkwardness didn't help, and regardless of Hisao's feelings (whatever they may be) it didn't do me any favours during our time together.

My thoughts return to troubling implications, and I think again that maybe what we did wasn't the best idea. I wanted to show him how strong I was, I wanted to open up to him as an equal, and I certainly wanted to push our relationship further and make him realise my feelings for him. Now, I'm worried that I may have gone too far in the wrong direction, reawakening those protective instincts similar to the ones cultivated once by Lilly in the early days. We may be adults, depending on the sense of the term, but sex to solve an emotional issue has never been good advice. One step forward, and how many steps back? Caught up in the moment, how much damage has our passion done on that emotional level?

Now I can hardly sleep, even as Hisao's eyes close and his gentle snores begin. My mind is too worried about the fallout from our evening together. Whatever happens, I know that tomorrow... tomorrow will change everything.
 

Trivun

Stabat mater dolorosa
Dec 13, 2008
9,831
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Okay, this has now been edited! To those who looked at the thread during the course of today you may have noticed the last chapter was removed with a note saying I'd taken it down to edit. Basically, after critical feedback on the Katawa Shoujo forums I decided to edit the chapter and make a few changes, some large and some small. These have now been done, so the chapter is posted again for your enjoyment :D
 

flag_hippo

New member
May 9, 2014
6
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When I read your first post, I was about to say you shouldn't rush creativity when real life gets in the way. But you seem to have beaten me to it. Keep up the good work.