LOVE-are men afraid of it?

[GamingGoddessV]

My boyfriend of 4 years has just broke off our relationship. He doesn't have a reason as to why he doesn't want to be in it anymore. He said I did nothing to him or the relationship, he knows I love him more than anything and he isn't messing around with someone else. He said he doesn't love me and doesn't want to see me for a few months. He doesn't understand why he feels the way he feels. Which is confusing and suspicious to me as a woman. People say we are both young being 20 years old. But that is not an excuse to leave a devoted woman. Is he afraid of love? Are you afraid of love? I really need some advice about this because this case of break up is a new one for the books.

I asked him was he
-depressed, he said maybe
-gay, laughed at me and said no
-going through something, he said he doesn't know
-need some space, he said he doesn't know
-anything wrong with his family, he doesn't know.

 

[IBlackKiteI]

Damn that totally sucks. Sorry to hear that.

Personally I haven't been in a relationship yet, which I suppose makes sense considering my age. Anyways I don't think guys are in general afraid of the idea of love, I sure as hell aint.
But then again I can't say why he chose to end it, I don't think anyone really could save for he and you.

 

[Anjel]

People say we are both young being 20 years old. But that is not an excuse to leave a devoted woman.

Actually, for him, it probably is a reason. He's twenty years old. He most likely doesn't want to be locked down in a relationship yet, feeling that he needs his freedom before he hits his thirties or forties and gets chained to a career and a mortgage.

Yeah, I pretty much agree with this. Of course we're answering without an insight into your relationship, but if things seemed to be going well it is probably that he doesn't want to get tied down.

 

[SiskoBlue]

Just because you do nothing wrong, doesn't make everything right. There's hundreds of reasons a relationship may not last. The point to remember is that if it doesn't, then walk away. It's hard but there's no universal rule about what a relationship should be, how it should work, or why it should end. All's fair in love and war.

If you're both only 20 there's a lot of life experiences you could miss out on if tied into a relationship. I'm not talking other partners I'm talking about just enjoying the simple pleasure of doing what ever you want, whenever you like, without having to consider someone else's feelings. I've had girl friends that say "But you can do whatever you want?". Well that's not technically true is it. What if I wanted to pack up my bags and move to another city. "I'd come with you?!" But I'm not going to pay your rent, or look after you, and frankly I don't want the responsibility I'd feel for you.

Also I've been in relationships where the girl says she's devoted, but you look at their behaviour and realise, nope, they're not. They do what they want to do and expect me to follow along. They're not really interested in anything I say or do and only give the vaguest interest when it looks like I might leave them. They didn't really do anything wrong but after 3 years I could actually say that my girlfriend barely knew me. Her fault or mine I don't know but either way that relationship was clearly doomed.

I will say this. Whether I've been dumped, or I broke it off, every single woman I've dated has managed to find a way to make out it was my fault somehow. So if you want to think that ALL men are afraid of love to protect your ego, that's fine but you're doing yourself and future boyfriends a disservice. This relationship, at this time, with this boyfriend, didn't work, don't expect to explain it in a generalised blanket statement about all men. And you don't have to ask "me or him?" Blame isn't always necessary. You had a relationship, it didn't work out. No more explanation is really needed.

Good luck.

 

[artanis_neravar]

Just because you do nothing wrong, doesn't make everything right. There's hundreds of reasons a relationship may not last. The point to remember is that if it doesn't, then walk away. It's hard but there's no universal rule about what a relationship should be, how it should work, or why it should end. All's fair in love and war.

If you're both only 20 there's a lot of life experiences you could miss out on if tied into a relationship. I'm not talking other partners I'm talking about just enjoying the simple pleasure of doing what ever you want, whenever you like, without having to consider someone else's feelings. I've had girl friends that say "But you can do whatever you want?". Well that's not technically true is it. What if I wanted to pack up my bags and move to another city. "I'd come with you?!" But I'm not going to pay your rent, or look after you, and frankly I don't want the responsibility I'd feel for you.

Also I've been in relationships where the girl says she's devoted, but you look at their behaviour and realise, nope, they're not. They do what they want to do and expect me to follow along. They're not really interested in anything I say or do and only give the vaguest interest when it looks like I might leave them. They didn't really do anything wrong but after 3 years I could actually say that my girlfriend barely knew me. Her fault or mine I don't know but either way that relationship was clearly doomed.

I will say this. Whether I've been dumped, or I broke it off, every single woman I've dated has managed to find a way to make out it was my fault somehow. So if you want to think that ALL men are afraid of love to protect your ego, that's fine but you're doing yourself and future boyfriends a disservice. This relationship, at this time, with this boyfriend, didn't work, don't expect to explain it in a generalised blanket statement about all men. And you don't have to ask "me or him?" Blame isn't always necessary. You had a relationship, it didn't work out. No more explanation is really needed.

Good luck.

This is a very good insight

He said he doesn't love me and doesn't want to see me for a few months.

That is exactly why he broke it off, it's doing you a disservice staying with you when he doesn't love you. Whether or not he ever loved you, or thought he loved you is something only he would know. And honestly at 20 you do not know what love really is, yes you may thing you love him, and you might actually love him, but you aren't old enough to have had enough life experience to know what love truly is

 

[IndianaJonny]

*Snip.*

May I ask if this is a long-distance relationship (you're both about university-age)?
Any change recently in the (in)frequency with which you meet up?

 

[WingedIncubus]

He doesn't understand why he feels the way he feels. Which is confusing and suspicious to me as a woman.

Men aren't as subtle as women are, they say right what they feel. He told you why, he doesn't feel any attraction for you, he doesn't know why, and he is taking a break from you.

I have an inkling why: the passion is now gone, and he has noticed that, beyond this, there is no attachment for you and no project together. That happens to a lot of couple of all ages.

So one option you have is to work with him to find some new passion, and work it together if he is willing. If he truely doesn't love you anymore, then let it go and do NOT chastise him. On the contrary, thank him for being honest and straightforward with you.

 

[gazumped]

I've been in two real (as in, official and more than two weeks long) relationships, and both times my boyfriends told me they loved me first. (The first was 16 years old at the time, the second was 21.) So in answer to your question, I wouldn't say men are afraid of love at all.

But like a lot of people have said, at 20 years old people tend not to want to be tied down, (arguably especially men who evolved to want to spread their seed with as many females as possible). My first boyfriend just lost interest in me after a couple of years, even though he was obviously smitten with me at first. My current boyfriend adores me now, but once bitten twice shy and I'm not counting on it lasting forever. Would be nice, though.

 

[GamingGoddessV]

Thanks for your input everyone I really appreciate it! I just feel as though people don't love freely, everyone is wrapped in society's example of what love is instead of their personal definition of love which I was sharing with my ex boyfriend. I was willing to follow him off a cliff or wander the world for him if he asked. But he decided he didn't want that for some reason which I don't think was his own. How I feel is that how can you not feel the love of a woman who is so devoted to you. Examine this a woman looking into your eyes not caring about anything else but the world you two will build together willing to cross whatever bridge with you good or bad. I just can't understand how my ex just dropped me like that like we don't have 4 years of history together. He isn't the man I thought he was for these past 4 years. The man he was would have never hurt me like this or denied our love.

Additional info- He is 22 and I am 20. We both live in the same city. He is going to college and so am I. His major is medicine and mine is video game design.

"I'm you favorite memory. Remember me. Never again have you felt this way."

 

[Nickolai77]

Firstly i'll offer my condolences, it's perfectly understandable that you feel bitter about being dumped by someone you love.

Still, the other Escapist's here have wisely addressed your concerns. He's probably left you because he's young and want's to live a bit, and perhaps also because he wants to focus on majoring in medicine. In a way, i imagine he wanted to wipe his slate clean before going to college, which is understandable really.

What i would point out that this has given you the opportunity to spread your wings out and do what you want to do in life, your young too. He's cleaned his slate, but he's also cleaned yours as well, take advantage of this opportunity.

 

[rutger5000]

Short answer yes.
Longer answer, as a man myself I find love an extremly scary thing. I don't think I'll ever cross the line of being extremly close friends. The idea of a relationship that is more then that is very frighting to me.
In fact I'm considering to become asexual.
Don't try to solve the problem with your boyfriend.

 

[Free Thinker]

My brother feels as though he doesn't deserve love sometimes. He broke up with this perfect girl. We, as a family loved her and couldn't have been happier to see him meet such a woman. He broke up with her.

As for me. I'm the polar opposite of my brother in terms of amount of relationships. So I don't think I can make any personal input on my behalf.

 

[artanis_neravar]

I'm going to address this piece by piece

Thanks for your input everyone I really appreciate it! I just feel as though people don't love freely, everyone is wrapped in society's example of what love is instead of their personal definition of love which I was sharing with my ex boyfriend.

Your welcome, always willing to help.

I was willing to follow him off a cliff or wander the world for him if he asked. But he decided he didn't want that for some reason which I don't think was his own.

What do you mean you don't think the reason was his own?

How I feel is that how can you not feel the love of a woman who is so devoted to you.

He said he knows that you love him, but you loving him doesn't mean that he loves you, it doesn't work like that.

Examine this a woman looking into your eyes not caring about anything else but the world you two will build together willing to cross whatever bridge with you good or bad. I just can't understand how my ex just dropped me like that like we don't have 4 years of history together. He isn't the man I thought he was for these past 4 years. The man he was would have never hurt me like this or denied our love.

He probably is the man you thought he was, he didn't mean to hurt you, but it had to be done, you would have been more hurt if he stayed with you without loving you.

Additional info- He is 22 and I am 20. We both live in the same city. He is going to college and so am I. His major is medicine and mine is video game design.

Medicine is one of the hardest majors to go into, having a relationship is really hard when you are starting such a hard major (I know I majored in Engineering up there with Law and medicine in difficulty). Being tied down, especially just starting can and most likely will be disastrous for his school work, your relationship, or both.

 

[JoJo]

Short answer yes.
Longer answer, as a man myself I find love an extremly scary thing. I don't think I'll ever cross the line of being extremly close friends. The idea of a relationship that is more then that is very frighting to me.
In fact I'm considering to become asexual.
Don't try to solve the problem with your boyfriend.

You can't choose to be an asexual, that's if you don't find either gender sexually attractive. I think you mean celibate.

OT: Unfortunately OP, some relationships just don't work out even if one partner really wants it too. It's probably for the best that you have broken up now rather than got married in a few years time, had children together and then decided to split.

 

[rutger5000]

Short answer yes.
Longer answer, as a man myself I find love an extremly scary thing. I don't think I'll ever cross the line of being extremly close friends. The idea of a relationship that is more then that is very frighting to me.
In fact I'm considering to become asexual.
Don't try to solve the problem with your boyfriend.

You can't choose to be an asexual, that's if you don't find either gender sexually attractive. I think you mean celibate.

OT: Unfortunately OP, some relationships just don't work out even if one partner really wants it too. It's probably for the best that you have broken up now rather than got married in a few years time, had children together and then decided to split.

Guess you're right.

 

[Griffolion]

My boyfriend of 4 years has just broke off our relationship. He doesn't have a reason as to why he doesn't want to be in it anymore. He said I did nothing to him or the relationship, he knows I love him more than anything and he isn't messing around with someone else. He said he doesn't love me and doesn't want to see me for a few months. He doesn't understand why he feels the way he feels. Which is confusing and suspicious to me as a woman. People say we are both young being 20 years old. But that is not an excuse to leave a devoted woman. Is he afraid of love? Are you afraid of love? I really need some advice about this because this case of break up is a new one for the books.

I asked him was he
-depressed, he said maybe
-gay, laughed at me and said no
-going through something, he said he doesn't know
-need some space, he said he doesn't know
-anything wrong with his family, he doesn't know.

It sounds like your ex is quite confused/lost at the moment. He's perhaps unsure of who he is because i went through a period around 17/18 which i now label as the "i don't know" age, where everything just seemed grey and blurry. All i can say is, i'm glad no girl had to suffer me in those times. I'm really sorry for what's happened to you but i don't think it's a case of men are afraid of love altogether. We just don't know how to handle it as well as women, and we perhaps even see it differently. I know this sounds ridiculous, but he could need your help as a friend you know? I don't know what else to say.

I'm not afraid of love, at least i don't think. I'm 22 and if i was with the girl i love i'd have no problem marrying her. I already see myself being a dad with a family and things. So i guess it would be unfair to tar all men with the same brush.

I hope you find healing, feel free to PM me if you ever just want someone to talk to (though i know you'll have others outside in RL); and (no offense) but i've seen much worse and messier breakups than this. I know you're in agony, but seriously, it could be a hell of a lot worse, trust me. My cousin will attest to that.

 

[zombiesinc]

My boyfriend of 4 years has just broke off our relationship. He doesn't have a reason as to why he doesn't want to be in it anymore. He said I did nothing to him or the relationship, he knows I love him more than anything and he isn't messing around with someone else. He said he doesn't love me and doesn't want to see me for a few months. He doesn't understand why he feels the way he feels. Which is confusing and suspicious to me as a woman. People say we are both young being 20 years old. But that is not an excuse to leave a devoted woman. Is he afraid of love? Are you afraid of love? I really need some advice about this because this case of break up is a new one for the books.

Simply because your ex doesn't love you doesn't mean all men are afraid of love. I'd suggest avoiding such generalizations in the future, they won't do you any good.

I can understand the frustration, confusion and pain involved in your situation, I've been in your shoes before, but that doesn't mean he's somehow "afraid of love". You simply need to realize that being together for 'x' amount of time, and having someone that loves you doesn't mean the relationship is going to work out. I do not doubt that he was in love with you, but simply because he was in love with you doesn't mean he'll always be in love with you. This goes for everyone, always. Sometimes people fall in love, sometimes they fall out. Those feelings aren't under our control. We can choose to act on those feelings, but we don't choose whether or not they develop.

If you love him, you'll have to let him go, so to speak. Give him his space, and time, let him sort through his own emotions. It's entirely possible that he'll realize he's still very much in love with you, but it's possible that he'll simply move on. Of course it will be difficult, you're still in love with him, and it'll feel as if everything that was so right in your life has suddenly been taken away, or lost, but unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it. Make sure he knows how you feel about him, give him his space, and hope that he resolves his feelings towards you and the situation. If it doesn't go the way you hope, try to remember that it's for the best, for both of you. As I've said, it'll hurt, but ask yourself: What's better? Being with someone who doesn't love you simply because you love them or finding someone who completely and fully shares those feelings? Initially you may say to yourself that you'd prefer being in a non-mutual relationship, but eventually you'll realize that it's the last thing you want.

Regardless of where the two of you end up, best of luck. It's tough, but whatever happens is for the best. As cliche as it is: if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Try to keep in mind that you didn't do anything wrong, you didn't cause him to fall out of love with you and this certainly doesn't mean that you'll never find love again.

 

[renegade7]

I'm not scared of love, but I am quite terrified of the concept of a long-range relationship. 20 is very young to commit to something, when you probably don't even know what you're committing too and what you're missing.

I can also tell you that it probably wasn't an easy decision, and he's probably hurting just as much as you, if it's any consolation.

I will tell you this also- you don't just leave someone because of one little thing. Chances are he had been having doubts for a while, and it is probably best for both of you, even if it hurts now. If you were meant to be with each other, he wouldn't have left.