My thoughts on the 'friend zone' thingy

[NoeL]

My understanding of the "friend zone" is that when a boy meets a girl he has a discrete time frame to make his intentions known, otherwise they will become "friends" and the girl will lose any and all romantic interest she may have had and the chance at a relationship becomes nil - because for a girl, dating a friend would be "weird".

So, in my opinion, the concept does demonise the woman to a degree, and isn't so much about people wanting different things in a relationship. Although, people will often still use the term when they get the "I just want to be friends" rejection, so you could say it has multiple uses.

 

[Doclector]

It's nice to see someone talk about the friendzone who, not only isn't doing so in self pity, but isn't outright insulting and calling for the death of anyone who's ever been disappointed that someone doesn't feel the same about you that you do for the them.

It's done too often. Anyone who feels lonely or rejected is instantly "emo" or even worse "Beta Male" which is the height of arrogant douchebaggery to assume you're part of a higher class of male that is winning, always has won and always will win.

Personally, however, I've accepted that the so called friendzone is as far as I'm ever getting. Hell, for someone as paranoid and possibly violent as me, someone with little understanding of normal people, allowing myself to even feel the emotion in question is dangerous. The last time I allowed it I threatened to kill two of the best friends I've ever had.

"Fuck that shit" is an understatement. Even if I'm wrong about being ugly, that doesn't change the fact that I'm crazy, wierd, and that I barely understand normal people. So I'll happily give up on this, and even post this mostly, to be honest, to remind myself why I can't be trusted.

 

[Palademon]

My only problem with the "friend-zone" (as in, indefinately put into a relationship or purely friendship, not Nice Guy TM Syndrome), isn't some kind of entitlement, it's that it takes a lot for me to be interested with someone, so I have to be friends with them first, which would quite easily lead to a position where they wouldn't want to risk it.

The only self pity I can bring into this thread would be that no girl has ever expressed interest in me.

My understanding of the "friend zone" is that when a boy meets a girl he has a discrete time frame to make his intentions known, otherwise they will become "friends" and the girl will lose any and all romantic interest she may have had and the chance at a relationship becomes nil - because for a girl, dating a friend would be "weird".

So, in my opinion, the concept does demonise the woman to a degree, and isn't so much about people wanting different things in a relationship. Although, people will often still use the term when they get the "I just want to be friends" rejection, so you could say it has multiple uses.

It's not a situation that happens entirely to men. It's just more often used in connection to the Nice Guy situation. In the actual term as you described it, refers to a very possible situation for either gender. There can be a time frame where people just decide to want to be friends, but that doesn't garantee that if you ask someone out as soon as you meet them that you have a chance. That's what people forget. They often blame the "friend-zone" just because they were unsuccessful, and look for other blame, such as in their target.

 

[Legion]

I agree with what you say and have had similar experiences. Looking back on how I behaved when girls expressed interest in me, I also handled it somewhat badly (although admittedly, just as badly as the girls who I liked, but didn't like me), but I never thought less of them for my lack of interest, and feel slightly saddened that they may have interpreted it that way.

Sad truth is, we can't choose who we have feelings for, and although it can be hard to accept from either side of it, it's just the way we are programmed.

 

[Phasmal]

Having had a bad experience when I `friend-zoned` someone, I'm always skeptical of people who say they have been friend-zoned. It's just rejection.

If a woman was really attracted to you, you could have been friends forever and that wouldn't stop her wanting to go out with you.
I've never gotten the hostility from the guys in the friend zone, it seems like... entitlement, really.
I've heard a few say `But I love her and she wont give me a chance!` (and that turns into `she's such a *****` surprisingly fast). All I can say is, if you don't respect someone enough to let them choose for themselves who they wanna go out with, then you don't love them.

I have been somewhat `friendzoned` (though I just call it being turned down), because I'm into `guy` things, I get the - `Oh, you're just one of the guys!` speech. It stings at the time, but there's no reason to carry baggage around because of it.

 

[Vegosiux]

Oh for Jimmy's sake.

And it's saying something that I resorted to a meme to make a point here >.< What has been said has been said, "friend zone" is just an expression and not more than that, that communication is the key to avoiding more emotional shitstorms than necessary and just like there are Nice Guys&#0153;, there are Girls Who-Can't-Make-Up-Their-Mind-About-What-The-Hell-They-Want&#0153;, and the gender-flipped versions thereof; and "letting them down gently" is the worst thing you can do to the other person - and yourself, really, because it inevitably leaves the issue all cloudy.

 

[barbzilla]

As most people have already said, the "friend zone" thing is just lack of communication. Either the person with the crush failed to communicate their intentions early enough in the relationship, or the recipient failed to communicate their real reason for not wanting to date said guy. I am sure there are a few legitimate cases of "Friend Zoning" out there, but it is few and far between.

The answer to this confusion, if you are "Friend Zoned" either change what needs to be changed, or move on with your life. Being friends with someone is a completely different ballgame than trying to date someone. With a few notable exceptions every girlfriend I ever had I started our communication with the intention of dating, and made my intentions clear. It saves a lot of time and hassle, if a girl just isn't interested she says no right then and there and I move on.

 

[Musette]

I'm glad that you made the point about how friendship isn't inferior to romance. I think it's just as possible to have strong feelings of friendship with no romantic desire, while it's also possible for someone to experience strong romantic desire without the feelings of friendship. I feel like the latter example is the type of person more likely to be frustrated about being "friend-zoned" since they only desired an emotional connection fundamentally different from friendship. I don't condone the idea of people feeling entitled to a relationship when they complain about being friend-zoned though.

When I was younger, I mainly dated because I was good friends with the guys that asked me out, and it got into my head just to go into the relationships since I felt obligated to accept them. I personally ended all of my relationships, since it turns out that I wouldn't "get interested later" like I assumed I would. After doing that on four different occasions, I finally decided that I wouldn't date unless I was interested and actually knew what I wanted out of a relationship. I haven't dated since, and I am perfectly fine with that. In fact, I'm still on speaking terms with all my exes, and still very close friends with some of them.

In the end, I see nothing wrong with staying friends if you have no romantic interest. I also find the term friend-zoned as a pretty demeaning idea about friendship, though I do understand that it probably applies most directly to the people who have exclusively romantic interest in a person and no intent for friendship (though I personally believe that relationships can be more fulfilling when you have interest in a person as a friend as well as a partner, but to each their own.)

 

[Ryotknife]

honestly i never thought "friend-zoning" was a big issue until i came to the escapist >_>.

It is sad and pathetic situation, sure, but not a horrible injustice. Now there are SOME scenarios that piss me right the hell off, but those are the exception rather than the rule.

 

[e033x]

Speaking as a "Nice Guy *TM*", who have been Friend-zoned a couple of times, its not always the "Entitled Douche" scenario. I actually realize that its mostly (often only) my fault that someone rejects me due to only wanting to be friends. I simply suck at communicating anything more than platonic feelings early in a "relationship".

What seems to be the point of conflict, for me at least, is when i ultimatly get rejected, "just want to be friends" i want to pull myself away. This is because i actually tried to hang out with a girl who rejected me, and her new boyfriend, and that is absolutly, 100% positive the worst time i have had ever. It ended up with us fighting, and not speaking to each other for a year (while we were in the same class in upper secondary...). I am perfectly aware that it wasnt very nice of me, but i just couldnt handle it.

Its slowly getting better though... Im not a total whimp anymore (only a partial whimp). Last person who rejected me actually apologized for leading me on a bit, and not picking up on the signs too well.

Oh, and i can maintain a friendship with a girl without other intentions.

TL;DR. It is possible to be a "Nice Guy" and be "Friend-zoned" without being a dick about it.

 

[ThrobbingEgo]

Friends have nothing to do with it. Hell, I haven't had a relationship with a woman who wasn't friends with me beforehand. That said, I don't pursue relationships with every woman I'm friends with.

Women have the same prerogative. If someone doesn't want to date you or fuck you, they won't. If they don't want to be friends with you, they won't either. Bottom line is nobody owes you a romantic relationship, no matter how nice, sexy, or charming you think you are. Women aren't a 'game' you can win.

Find someone who'd be genuinely interested in sharing whatever with you.

 

[Micromyni]

What I want to know is how to friendzone people gently. Some people can do it naturally, but in trying to explain why exactly I don't want a relationship with men(I'm an aromantic asexual) they attempt to be my friend until they just drift away. I do want friends. Friends are all I want, all I'll ever need. Some of the people who have had romantic interest in me were really awesome. I would have loved to be friends with them, but I guess it hurts too much for them? Why say "just friends" is okay when it really isn't?

 

[Overusedname]

What I want to know is how to friendzone people gently. Some people can do it naturally, but in trying to explain why exactly I don't want a relationship with men(I'm an aromantic asexual) they attempt to be my friend until they just drift away. I do want friends. Friends are all I want, all I'll ever need. Some of the people who have had romantic interest in me were really awesome. I would have loved to be friends with them, but I guess it hurts too much for them? Why say "just friends" is okay when it really isn't?

Sometimes it's painful for people, they can't get over it. And they just want ya that bad.

I've had that drifting problem as well...It sucks. I don't really have solution, but people do it cause they can't cope with the pain.

 

[Lt._nefarious]

While this thread is above the usual crop of threads of such things it seems wasted because there have been at least 4 other posts that were text walls about not being able to get girlfriends or something, seriously, can we have a break if only just for a day or two...

Please bare in mind that I'm not saying negative things about this thread...

 

[DANEgerous]

My thoughts on the 'friend zone' thingy are as follows.

WTF is this shit? People you want a relationship with that do not want one with you are off limits for a relationship and being their friend is in no way a loss unless you are a selfish asshole. I suppose this is why I am one of the few people that has near equal male to female friends.


I do not get why this zone is so horrendous, any relationship with a person that put you here is going to be absolute shit even it it end up in marriage it will end up in a horrible divorce.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

Oh god, not another friendzone thread. At least this is not a load of whining.

Personally I don't think the friendzone is really a thing, women aren't weird sorting machines. Two of the best relationships I've had (including the one I'm currently in) grew out of friendships. The rest were actually kinda shitty in comparison. How are you meant to know you want to be with someone if you haven't gotten to know them first?

 

[Sigmund Av Volsung]

I am guilty of friend zoning my female friends, but that's mostly because I'm known
as a snarky wanker at my school, and well, its North London, so I severely doubt
that somewhere in my school, a girl has feelings for me beyond friendship.

And I kind of agree that love takes different forms; friendship after all is some sort
of psychological bond that I would argue is stronger than that of romantic bonds and/or
family bonds.

I do detest love as an emotion, as it is essentially a narcotic; an abusive substance;
a short dose of euphoria that overwhelms your logic and allows your more primitive instincts
to cloud your rationality; after all I see the emotion as nothing more than the brain telling you that the girl/guy you see in front of you is genetically perfect for you.

That's kind of why I disregard relationships based on aesthetics; I don't think they last; ones based on compatible personalities are never ending.

captcha; be nice

LIKE HELL!

 

[Darkmantle]

...

Ok, we've had our fair share of friendzone threads before, but this one isn't oozing whiny conceit and self-delusion.

Odd.

Anyway, I'd be wary of using the term, as it tends to mark you out as someone that hasn't grasped that being friendly to someone does not place them under an obligation to fuck you.

Apparently the term means something different to you then it does to me, because I always thought it meant "person I want to date just wants to be friends". But it seems you think it means "OMG this person I was nice to didn't want to fuck me".

It's an important distinction. And one that is necessary to clarify if any good discussion is to be had.