People trying to help me get laid-not as good as it sounds.

[Doclector]

Among my friends, my complete and utter failure at anything close to intimacy is well known, partly because it's kinda obvious, and partly because I can make good jokes out of it.

I'm used to it, hell, how on earth could I expect to be successful in such a field, I'm kinda awkward around girls that I like, I'm ugly as f***, and if anyone was to actually look beyond surface appearances, (man, that's hard to write without laughing), they'd just find a basically nice person...who's probably quite mentally unstable and unusual. I gave up on even trying because with moving out of my parents house to go to uni, I had enough things that I thought I'd fail at without trying to do something else I knew damn well I'd fail at, and quite frankly, with all the stress, worry, emotional torment, the possibility of being toyed with/used, and the likeliness that she'd just leave when she found someone better looking, (which most modern men probably do to, just so I don't get anyone thinking I specifically think women are disloyal) any dating/getting laid victory for me would likely be pyrrhic, the (most likely temporary) emotional boost would be offset (and then some) by the massive emotional damage incurred on the way to that destination.

In short, there's little chance that I could get to that goal, and even smaller odds that it could ever be worth it.

And yet, my friends persist in their "help", which mostly isn't even helpful. Last night, I was shoved drunk and bewildered in front of two girls who were so far out of my league they may as well been in the next galaxy, and then when I looked back at my friends for some idea as to what I was expected to do, I just got a gesture that I should talk to them. Say what? Say what muthaf***er!? Apologise for making my horrifying visage the subject of their nightmares for the next two weeks? Make a terrible chat up line involving a reference to mass effect?

See, since I've been at uni, I've become more of a complete human being than I ever dreamed possible. I have a social life, I'm even to some extent popular or at least, well known. People know me that I don't know, and seem glad to meet me, I must be doing something right. I'm happier now than I ever have been, and I don't want that confidence to be ruined by stupid attempts to attain something I can never, ever have. Thing is, that everytime someone brings it up, it shatters my well trained ability to ignore it for a little while, it can really put a damper on a night if it gets really bad.

I've tried explaining it to them, and explaining why I don't want to try anymore, but they just say that I'm selling myself short. The frustrating thing is that it comes from people who have never been in my position, from good looking people and people with "normal" minds. Sometimes if it does get on top of me (oh lawd, punz) and I just want a way to forget about my lack of success in that single part of my life, people I go to for advice, or just to talk to, get the wrong idea and start giving me useless advice on how to be successful.

So, how do I explain to my friends that I've abandoned that part of life? I've tried telling them that I'm otherwise happy, but they just don't get it.

 

[Jedoro]

Something about leading a horse to water...

You've explained it, they just don't want to accept it because they think they know what's best for you. All that's left to do is just resist their efforts until they finally get it.

 

[LittleJP]

There's also the solution of trying anyway, being cheekily suave about it. Pull out a few sappy pickup lines, perhaps adding an in joke about whatever pop culture you have around your area
There's two benifits.

1. You can either play it for laughs, and perhaps striking up new conversations. You never know when having a friend or two would be useful.
2. It might actually work. Hell, it did with my now ex.

 

[Svenparty]

It probably seems unbelievable to them you have given up on relationships and will take a lot of convincing. I hate it when people try to set me up because on top of being unsexy you look desperate which makes it hard to get on top of the girl.

Tell them you are looking around and maybe you can convince them to "leave you to it" and fap in peace.

 

[Angie7F]

I can totally understand ow annoying your situation is.

As you get older the question will evolve into " when a you going to get married?"

I have a diamond bachelor as a boyfriend, who went through life dodging the same questions, and we are happily in a relationship for several years now and we both get asked " when are you going to get married".

The reason why I relate to your problem is because like marriage, everyone thinks its a necessity to be in a relationship or get laid.

But the truth is, you don't need to do any of the three.
I read some where that if this were a differ century/ era, and you chose to sit at home and prune roses or talk to your dog ad only came out to shop etc, people would have acceptd that better.
With Facebook, frats, clubbing, etc, it's become ever so harder to make a statement saying " I am fine being alone, so shut the hell up and leave me alone".

And to be honest, I don't think there is any solutions for it.
Just find friends who are ok with your choices, and wait until the idea is sinks into the people around you, and then other people wi ll just take the fact for granted.

Until then, good luck with shrugging them off!

 

[geK0]

I find I'm happiest when I'm not searching. It's so much better when it's unexpected than it is when you're looking under every damn rock in the city for it. If you're as popular as you say though, there's probably at least one really shy girl in your school who likes you... or maybe not, who knows.

Honestly though, I've seen some of the fattest hairiest nerds with girlfriends, so anything is possible.

But yea, don't look for a girlfriend; it's just a waste of time and usually leads to disappointment : \. At the same time though, don't declare yourself as completely unavailable either.

As for the people 'helping' you, just laugh at them and say something along the lines of "no thanks brah"..... It's a good way to dismiss them lol. It would also help to not joke so much about being single/virgin because it leads people to believe that you'd rather not be.

 

[Rin Little]

Just tell them flat out to stop helping. A couple of my friends tried to do the same thing for me and have asked me similar questions and I've killed every shot they've attempted at to set me up with someone because I don't want a relationship.

 

[TheBanMan_v1legacy]

First off I would suggest knocking of the jokes about your appearance. Just reading your post you made no less than four comments on this aspect of yourself. Add on the comments about your mental stability, and it's just awkward for all parties involved.

I'm not going to comment on what you may or may not look like, but it's doubtful it's as "horrifying" as you make it out to be. I didn't see any comments around angry torch/pitchfork wielding mobs chasing you, so we can assume you are at least fit to be seen in public. Jokes like this tend to come across in different ways:

1. They make people extremely uncomfortable
2. They make people even more determined to prove you wrong
3. They come across as fishing for compliments

None of which is going to help your cause.

If you are happy being single, great. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. That being said, if you are saying to your friends "I'm ok because no one could ever love someone like me" you are going about it wrong. Say things more along the lines of "I have a lot on my plate right now with Uni, work, etc so I'm not really looking for any more complications." Or something along those lines.

Granted some people are not going to listen no matter what you say. These are the people that think it is impossible for someone to be "complete" without being romantically involved; which is an entirely different issue.

In the end just realize that trying to convince people how "horrible" a person you are is only going to encourage them all the more as, rightly or wrongly, they don't agree.

 

[Doclector]

The question I want to ask is: Why do you sound so much like me?

I'm coming from a very similar situation as you - I don't regard myself when I'm being sensible as ugly as you describe yourself, but I've got a personality which absolutely counterbalances that. I know that nobody's going to love me either, and I haven't had many answers to that in the past, but I might have an answer to it now. What I intend to do is focus deeply on the things I'm good at, so much so that people have a reason to understand why I don't bother with relationships: because I'm too busy playing to my intellectual strengths.

Wise man. Far too many people wrongly believe that there is only one way a man can be happy, and most of those people believe that way to be a relationship.

 

[Angie7F]

I am going to tell you something awesome about males and how you are making things harder on yourself.

Okay, here we go. You see all that stuff you said about how ugly and unloveable you are? Your friends are eating that shit up. Like, seriously. Groups of guys get a huge vicarious thrill from hooking their friends up with chicks. You know, the whole male-testosterone group/pack psychology. How big a thrill do you think they'd get from hooking you, the in-your-words "ugly as f***" individual, up with someone?

You see what I'm getting at here? It's a game to them. Make it clear that it's not for you.

Your post totally reminded me of "the 40 year old virgin".
I agree that partly they see it as a game, with a little portion of good intentions.
but maybe veeerrrry little.

I say this because i am guilty of this myself.
A single guy/girl in your group of friends is such a good excuse to go to a party/ go to a bar/ go clubbing etc.

I think you just have to tell them that you are not interested until they learn that you really are not interested and its a waste of time trying to convince you otherwise.

 

[Doclector]

I am going to tell you something awesome about males and how you are making things harder on yourself.

Okay, here we go. You see all that stuff you said about how ugly and unloveable you are? Your friends are eating that shit up. Like, seriously. Groups of guys get a huge vicarious thrill from hooking their friends up with chicks. You know, the whole male-testosterone group/pack psychology. How big a thrill do you think they'd get from hooking you, the in-your-words "ugly as f***" individual, up with someone?

You see what I'm getting at here? It's a game to them. Make it clear that it's not for you.

Your post totally reminded me of "the 40 year old virgin".
I agree that partly they see it as a game, with a little portion of good intentions.
but maybe veeerrrry little.

I say this because i am guilty of this myself.
A single guy/girl in your group of friends is such a good excuse to go to a party/ go to a bar/ go clubbing etc.

I think you just have to tell them that you are not interested until they learn that you really are not interested and its a waste of time trying to convince you otherwise.

Just for sheer curiousity...why do people need an excuse? Seriously, why? I go to a rock club at least once or twice a week, and the only excuse I need is that I don't have any work to do, and feel like getting drunk and headbanging.

 

[Angie7F]

I am going to tell you something awesome about males and how you are making things harder on yourself.

Okay, here we go. You see all that stuff you said about how ugly and unloveable you are? Your friends are eating that shit up. Like, seriously. Groups of guys get a huge vicarious thrill from hooking their friends up with chicks. You know, the whole male-testosterone group/pack psychology. How big a thrill do you think they'd get from hooking you, the in-your-words "ugly as f***" individual, up with someone?

You see what I'm getting at here? It's a game to them. Make it clear that it's not for you.

Your post totally reminded me of "the 40 year old virgin".
I agree that partly they see it as a game, with a little portion of good intentions.
but maybe veeerrrry little.

I say this because i am guilty of this myself.
A single guy/girl in your group of friends is such a good excuse to go to a party/ go to a bar/ go clubbing etc.

I think you just have to tell them that you are not interested until they learn that you really are not interested and its a waste of time trying to convince you otherwise.

Just for sheer curiousity...why do people need an excuse? Seriously, why? I go to a rock club at least once or twice a week, and the only excuse I need is that I don't have any work to do, and feel like getting drunk and headbanging.

The person going may not need an excuse, but you may need it to convince other people to come along with them.

I went through several stages when it come to clubbing.
First, I was just young and thought it was great fun and just wanted to be there so I didnt miss out on anything. (No idea what that thing I may miss out on is)

Then, i wanted to socialize/ hang out with friends so I needed to recruit friends to come with me.

Then, I moved on to just going when I wanted to go. No friends needed to accompany me.

After that, I stopped going all together....

 

[Hypermini]

I'm basically in the same situation as the OP but have a different outlook. For years like you i thought i dont need anybody i even had a joke that if i hit 20 and was still a virgin i'd gladly take up the life of a monk.

im also in my first year of uni and at 18 ive realised 'oh god im actually coming up to the age in my joke' and that its really starting to not seem funny to me anymore. i feel like even though i was the strongest believer in not needing any girl ive hit a wall of some kind in which i feel its time to 'nut up or shut up' (i hope it doesnt happen to you its bloomin stressful) so i thought what are my options:

1) do nothing maybe it'll pass

2) assume that some girl will fall for me- the nice enough guy with a very dry sense of humour yet to myself and im sure to many others boring (i stress not jabba the hut ugly but boring, plain or dull which i feel is worse than being ugly atleast when your ugly you get attention)- by accident and theres a fairy tale ending

3) think maybe im not looking in the right place- somewhere there'll be a girl in the same posistion as me. that ill have to think outside the box she might not look like the girl i want in my head (a girl who looks alot like ellen page i might add xD). Before i gave up a few years back and before i recently starting thinking about this issue again, in my head this girl id find would be better than me in someways- she'd be pretty, have all those personality traits i was lacking which i guess reflects how well i thought of myself. now when i think about it i reckon the girl i want should be more like me, plainer, smart yet rubbish with the other sex, a little shy; and that together though we both start out like that we would grow as people together like two diamonds in the rough ( oh god i hate romantic drivel forgive me and dw it really is still a 50/50 toss up between point 1 and 3 i promise)

anyway point 3 might be crazy (trust me i think its crazy and it came outta my head) but what im trying to say is maybe guys (and girls) like us on this thread dont have to give up and feel we have to remain alone forever afterall, though i would say when i do find a girl its something i wanna do on my own, your friends have no right to try and force you into anything the drive has to come from within.

 

[Karhukonna]

Among my friends, my complete and utter failure at anything close to intimacy is well known, partly because it's kinda obvious, and partly because I can make good jokes out of it.

Making jokes about it kinda comes off as a reaction to bullying or something. Don't let your self-esteem sink any lower, chin up and start respecting yourself.

I'm used to it, hell, how on earth could I expect to be successful in such a field, I'm kinda awkward around girls that I like, I'm ugly as f***, and if anyone was to actually look beyond surface appearances, (man, that's hard to write without laughing), they'd just find a basically nice person...who's probably quite mentally unstable and unusual.

If it's looks you're worried about, you're barking at the wrong tree here. If someone doesn't bother getting to know you for the person you really are, they're probably not worth the effort. And in my experience, looks aren't all that important. If you still feel that this is holding you back, you can always do something about it. Work out, cut your hair different, whatever. And being awkward around girls and people in general is one of those things that eventually goes away with time. You can act casual and be cool as a cucumber when amongst friends, right? It's transferring that trust you share into everyday encounters.

And yet, my friends persist in their "help", which mostly isn't even helpful. Last night, I was shoved drunk and bewildered in front of two girls who were so far out of my league they may as well been in the next galaxy, and then when I looked back at my friends for some idea as to what I was expected to do, I just got a gesture that I should talk to them. Say what? Say what muthaf***er!? Apologise for making my horrifying visage the subject of their nightmares for the next two weeks? Make a terrible chat up line involving a reference to mass effect?

Well, I hate to break it to you, but it seems that your friends are all dicks. They seem to think that showing up dead drunk in front of lovely ladies is an ideal way to get to know they. Honestly? They're dicks. You could use some wise, understanding friends instead of assholes who draw their fun out of your awkward stumbling.

So, how do I explain to my friends that I've abandoned that part of life? I've tried telling them that I'm otherwise happy, but they just don't get it.

Just tell 'em to piss off with their shitty advice. And don't give up on... Getting laid? Honestly, find a meaningful relationship at first, and go from there. Baby steps, you know? You'll eventually stumble upon someone who suits you, and finds you pleasant enough to consider a relationship. It might not be this week, or this year, but eventually you'll get there.

And if all this advice had to be summed up in one sentence, it would be this.

Respect yourself.

 

[Broady Brio]

Here is another person who had the same situation as you.

My friends and my brother (Not at the same time.) wanted me to be "Happy" by putting a girl into it, but the problem is that;
I. Am. Not. Interested.

I wouldn't mind it so much if they were just only worried about one of their friends being lonely at parties or their little brother who has had no experience with women. But it's them forcing this down my throat that infuriates me. It makes me want to swear like Egoraptor does in anything he makes ever, "I mean... FFFFFFFFFFFFF-FUCK!"

I've told my friends about this issue and they've stopped pestering me, which I'm very grateful for. As for my brother? He's busy trying to get women himself. Poor sod.

 

[AzraelArmond]

Just be friendly and funny. The key to making women comfortable is not really caring that much about the result of a casual encounter. If I were your friend honestly especially after reading that I'd continue doing what they are. You seem to be a good guy you just got a few self-confidence issues. A lot of ugly guys get gorgeous girlfriends. Woman don't like boredom so its good you aren't a norm. The key is to be funny, light-hearted and fun. Your going to be rejected before that but nothing ventured nothing gained and going up and talking to someone really costs you nothing. Even if she's like "I have a boyfriend" you reply "Oh, well you seem like a fine sort. Now which one of your friends is right for me then?" Having female friends is never a bad thing so even if you don't get a date you might make a friend. And female drinking buddies make the best wingmen.