Please help me Escapists!! I need to stop pretending to be religious; I need advice

[DesiPrinceX09]

Escapist, I need some help; words of advice maybe. I?ve been pretending to be religious for far too long?
And I think this post is fine here in the off topic section because this post is about everyday life, religion is just involved in it. So bear with me on this.
What I am mostly asking for advice on is how do you deal with very religious parents or family members? I am kind of a closet agnostic-theist who is afraid to admit my beliefs to my father because he is indeed very very religious. And I am quite sure many here have gone through the same thing. I guess I just kept up with religion for my father?s sake because I love and respect him and he is and has been overall a great parent; the amount of good he has done for me outweighs the bad, even if the bad involves destroying my self confidence and making me feel like a loser many times in my life. But every time he talks religiously, like saying thank god for this or because of god this was possible or ask for god?s help and anything can be done and any problem can be solved, I always kind of felt annoyed and kind of had a whatever attitude towards it all and just kind of said sure why not. I guess what I?m trying to say is that I feel a little foolish for thinking I was on the religious side (not devout by any stretch of imagination, just a fairly strong believer who kept up with everything), I even fooled myself?
I?m not exactly sure when I stopped caring about religion, probably around the time I started high school when I was 14. But my dad is harsh and aggressive and definitely pressures and encourages religious practice. Just to let you guys know, I was raised Muslim and followed Muslim culture all my life. And I really don?t care what you think about Islam or what you think you know about it and how you label it as violent or whatever but there is nothing bad about the religion; the culture is great and the teachings are very good. However, it?s still a religion and I don?t buy into religious practice and religious tradition and religious attitude (and thinking). I especially don?t believe in the Qur?an or Bible being the undisputable ?word of god?. Whatever you may think of Prophet Muhammad, he was a great man and I liked many things he taught; and I believe him and his close followers are responsible for the Qur?an. And because men (with flaws) wrote the Qur?an (and Bible and Torah), it also has a flaws and I have always known that (which is probably why I was never a keen reader). But hey, let?s not get deep into stuff like that; we have the R&P section for that and I don?t want this thread to start a religious flame war.
As I said, I am an Agnostic-theist which I am pretty sure correctly defines me more or less. I believe in God, not 100% sure about his existence, and don?t really care for religion. Although I was thinking I was more of a straight ?Theist? with no particular religion kind of like my girlfriend. Basically, I believe God created the universe and was responsible for the processes that made the universe and life within it possible but that?s about it (I accept evolution and all that wonderful stuff that?s actually explainable). I really don?t think god has anything to do with our everyday life, he gave us free will and we make choices with that free will and just do whatever. When something good happens, I don?t think saying ?thank god for?? is correct; when something bad happens, I also don?t think saying ?how could god let?.happen? is correct either. I think prayers are pointless because you won?t get anything for them because God isn?t involved with what happens in your life, which is why I don?t pray 5 times a day (as is tradition for Muslims). So I guess I can just be called a ?theist?, what do you guys think?
I absolutely love my girlfriend because she helped me see all this clearly, as did my sister (also not religious). The 6 months time I?ve had my girlfriend in my life helped me see things more clearly than I have in years. She helped me to stop pretending to be religious and stop fooling myself and encourages me to stop fooling my parents also. I tried explaining to my dad that I?m different, but he kept interrupting me and correcting me as though I am just wrong and he?s right and that?s all there is to it. It?s really quite frustrating. So tell me escapists (especially fellow non religious escapists), what am I to do?

EDIT: Okay, I didn't make this clear enough and I am sorry. I have told him that I don't believe what he does, or at least tried. But as I said, he interrupts, doesn't let me finish what I was saying, corrects everything as though he knows the truth, and believes its' just a "phase" I am going through. So round one is done, it's out there that I don't believe; I just need to make it clear. So round two is coming up, any suggestions? I just want him to understand that I really don't believe what he does and that he can't make me and hopefully be accepting (no guarantee on acceptance obviously).

 

[Odd Owl]

I believe the term you're looking for may be "deist." Here, see if this describes your beliefs: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deism.

In any case, it sounds like you're doing alright for yourself. As hard as it is, you can't force your dad to accept your beliefs or that you believe them, no more than he can force you believe something that you do not believe. Is this tension actually affecting your daily life, or is it frustrating because you feel like your dad doesn't understand or accept you?

 

[Random berk]

If you still believe in your God, then just tell your dad that, but that you will worship as you see fit. (Obviously making it clear that you don't mean to do anything that goes against basic morality.)If he wants to think he's right, let him, but he can't force you to follow his religion exactly as he wants you to. If he does, then you have bigger problems than how to... yeah, you have bigger problems.

I got a warning for posting a non-pornographical nude picture in spoiler tags with a warning about the contents. I think the guy above me deserves a more severe punishment.

Why did you do that?

 

[BGH122]

TLDR

This isn't 4chan, no matter what my avatar may make this site appear to be.

OP:

I'm unsure how best to advise you, I'm sorry. It sounds like a really hard situation. If I were you, I'd probably try not to mention your religious inclinations to your father, and just try to go along with it until you are old enough to leave the house. At the end of the day, you do currently rely upon him, but as you get older this ceases to be true. By the time you're in your twenties you probably won't even see your family very often anymore.

I'd try to accentuate the positive (Massive hypocrisy warning: I don't get along with my father and have long since given up trying to), by trying to get involved in conversations and activities with your dad where you both share similar opinions. I don't really know how you can manage to get out of prayer (a lot of my friends were Muslim, a while back, and I always considered the amount of effort religious dedication took them to be very burdensome), since it's a pretty strong cornerstone of Islam, but I can only reiterate that you just grin and bear it until you're able to leave home.

Wish I could be of more help, but theists get very passionate about their beliefs, and, in my experience, it's almost impossible to get them to accept that you don't agree with their interpretation of God.

 

[DesiPrinceX09]

I believe the term you're looking for may be "deist." Here, see if this describes your beliefs: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deism.

In any case, it sounds like you're doing alright for yourself. As hard as it is, you can't force your dad to accept your beliefs or that you believe them, no more than he can force you believe something that you do not believe. Is this tension actually affecting your daily life, or is it frustrating because you feel like your dad doesn't understand or accept you?

Yeah, Deist might be what I was thinking to. I am going to do more research on Deism (the link didn't work)

Oh believe me, he tries VERY hard to get me to be religious. It was when he told me that not doing my prayers and other religious stuff would make me less of a person and more like an animal and not even a human being that I stopped listening completely. He tries to encourage me to be religious through fear and guilt and that is just wrong to me. I think he is accepting my beliefs...but would he be trying to enforce his beliefs on me if he truly accepted mine?
It is quite frustrating, and while it doesn't affect my life daily it certainly affects it frequently.

I'm unsure how best to advise you, I'm sorry. It sounds like a really hard situation. If I were you, I'd probably try not to mention your religious inclinations to your father, and just try to go along with it until you are old enough to leave the house. At the end of the day, you do currently rely upon him, but as you get older this ceases to be true. By the time you're in your twenties you probably won't even see your family very often anymore.

I'd try to accentuate the positive (Massive hypocrisy warning: I don't get along with my father and have long since given up trying to), by trying to get involved in conversations and activities with your dad where you both share similar opinions. I don't really know how you can manage to get out of prayer (a lot of my friends were Muslim, a while back, and I always considered the amount of effort religious dedication took them to be very burdensome), since it's a pretty strong cornerstone of Islam, but I can only reiterate that you just grin and bear it until you're able to leave home.

Wish I could be of more help, but theists get very passionate about their beliefs, and, in my experience, it's almost impossible to get them to accept that you don't agree with their interpretation of God.

Yes, I try not to mention anything religious related and just nod and agree despite not agreeing. I keep my mouth shut so I'll be fine with making sure I don't say anything that will piss my dad off too much. Problem is that I AM old enough to leave the house and I did for a while but things got bad and were bad so I had to move back in with my parents (I'm 20). And talking to my dad is a lot better when things aren't so focused on religion and when he gives me guidance through experience and wisdom rather than from religious teachings. I have found ways to get out of prayers, that part isn't so hard. When dad wants to do something religious, I say I have too much schoolwork or something and he leaves me alone while I play video games
But yeah, I grin and bear it. I just want advice and opinions from people, not to say "poor me, daddy oppresses me with religion". That part isn't that bad, just how to to more open with my beliefs.

 

[TheYellowCellPhone]

I'm in the same boat. Overly religious parents, don't give a flying fuck about religion and am more inclined to start a few fires before I start having internal conflicts about god.

What I do is make my indifference obvious to my peers, and try to never bring up discussions about it with my parents. When they try to talk about it, I usually just roll my eyes and say nothing can be solved with a religious argument and walk off.

Its worked so far, but of course I'm not the best person to give advice.

 

[walrusaurus]

I guess I just kept up with religion for my father?s sake because I love and respect him and he is and has been overall a great parent; the amount of good he has done for me outweighs the bad, even if the bad involves destroying my self confidence and making me feel like a loser many times in my life. But every time he talks religiously, like saying thank god for this or because of god this was possible or ask for god?s help and anything can be done and any problem can be solved, I always kind of felt annoyed and kind of had a whatever attitude towards it all and just kind of said sure why not.

The question is do you respect him enough not to lie to him? I went through much the same thing with my mother. After my father died she got very hardcore about religion. She started going to chucrch weekly, joined all the organizing committees, and runs the missions program. She would badger me constantly to go to church with her on sundays, i'd make excuses sometimes, about not having the time, or not being able to make the trip out to where she lives. But i went with her frequently and generally just allowed her to believe that I bought into the whole religious deal. Eventually i couldn't anymore, and finally sat down with her and explained that I did not believe in God, and had no desire to have a relationship with Jesus. She resisted at first, but eventually she became okay with it. I'm sure she wishes that i would 'get saved' and i do still feel a little guilty for not sharing it with her, but it is what it is.

The important thing is that its all about respect. You need to be very respectful, and careful when you talk about it for the first time. People clam up and get violently defense about their religious convictions remarkably quickly. Make it very clear that you aren't rejecting their value system, or in any way disparaging their belief system. But that, right now, in your heart, the theology simply doesn't resonate with you. Its not an easy conversation to have. Its actually a bit what i imagine coming out of the closet would be like.

 

[Random berk]

I got a warning for posting a non-pornographical nude picture in spoiler tags with a warning about the contents. I think the guy above me deserves a more severe punishment.

Why did you do that?

Putting the nude picture in spoiler tags?

http://www.dailydot.com/society/ai-weiwei-nude-photos-censorship/

Don't you know about #nudephotorevolution?
Girl in Egypt posed naked because of all the injustices in Egypt/the Islamic world.
http://edition.cnn.com/2011/11/19/world/meast/nude-blogger-aliaa-magda-elmahdy/index.html


CNN: How do you see women in the "New Egypt" and will you leave the country if the ongoing revolution fails?
Elmahdy: I am not positive at all unless a social revolution erupts. Women under Islam will always be objects to use at home. The (sexism) against women in Egypt is unreal, but I am not going anywhere and will battle it 'til the end. Many women wear the veil just to escape the harassment and be able to walk the streets. I hate how society labels gays and lesbians as abnormal people. Different is not abnormal!

Ah, no, I hadn't heard of it. Its an interesting method of protesting. I'm not sure it isn't counterproductive though.

 

[Zeckt]

Wow, just wow. I hate to say it but after reading what you wrote about being less human for failing to do religious practices there is no way for your father to NOT be really, really upset if you open up to him. But the sooner you let him know, the better it will be for the long term.

 

[Korbo]

If he doesn't let you have your own opinion, he's violating one of your rights as a human. It's as simple as that.

 

[ShindoL Shill]

my gran is very Irish Catholic to the extent that she hates Roman Catholics, and is too sick to get out of he house, except for the time ma had to convince my neighbour to take the car up a very small hill to take gran to church.
my mother is atheist. just try talking about it.
maybe distract him first with things that make him happy.

 

[lacktheknack]

>Zambian
>Deist
>Ultra-religious Muslim father

Maybe I don't have the proper context, but from what I can see here, there is no way this can end well. End of.

I'd find a place to lay low for a while, and good luck breaking the news. Your Dad is going to be either devastated or furious, no getting around it.

 

[lacktheknack]

I got a warning for posting a non-pornographical nude picture in spoiler tags with a warning about the contents. I think the guy above me deserves a more severe punishment.

Why did you do that?

Putting the nude picture in spoiler tags?

http://www.dailydot.com/society/ai-weiwei-nude-photos-censorship/

Don't you know about #nudephotorevolution?
Girl in Egypt posed naked because of all the injustices in Egypt/the Islamic world.
http://edition.cnn.com/2011/11/19/world/meast/nude-blogger-aliaa-magda-elmahdy/index.html


CNN: How do you see women in the "New Egypt" and will you leave the country if the ongoing revolution fails?
Elmahdy: I am not positive at all unless a social revolution erupts. Women under Islam will always be objects to use at home. The (sexism) against women in Egypt is unreal, but I am not going anywhere and will battle it 'til the end. Many women wear the veil just to escape the harassment and be able to walk the streets. I hate how society labels gays and lesbians as abnormal people. Different is not abnormal!

Ah, no, I hadn't heard of it. Its an interesting method of protesting. I'm not sure it isn't counterproductive though.

Counterproductive? In what way? Worsening fundamentalism? Worsening rape? Worsening attacks on unveiled women? Worsening attacks on Christians and Those Without Religion?

It's heavy on shock value. Shock cheapens your message a lot with most people.

 

[DesiPrinceX09]

I guess I just kept up with religion for my father?s sake because I love and respect him and he is and has been overall a great parent; the amount of good he has done for me outweighs the bad, even if the bad involves destroying my self confidence and making me feel like a loser many times in my life. But every time he talks religiously, like saying thank god for this or because of god this was possible or ask for god?s help and anything can be done and any problem can be solved, I always kind of felt annoyed and kind of had a whatever attitude towards it all and just kind of said sure why not.

The question is do you respect him enough not to lie to him? I went through much the same thing with my mother. After my father died she got very hardcore about religion. She started going to chucrch weekly, joined all the organizing committees, and runs the missions program. She would badger me constantly to go to church with her on sundays, i'd make excuses sometimes, about not having the time, or not being able to make the trip out to where she lives. But i went with her frequently and generally just allowed her to believe that I bought into the whole religious deal. Eventually i couldn't anymore, and finally sat down with her and explained that I did not believe in God, and had no desire to have a relationship with Jesus. She resisted at first, but eventually she became okay with it. I'm sure she wishes that i would 'get saved' and i do still feel a little guilty for not sharing it with her, but it is what it is.

The important thing is that its all about respect. You need to be very respectful, and careful when you talk about it for the first time. People clam up and get violently defense about their religious convictions remarkably quickly. Make it very clear that you aren't rejecting their value system, or in any way disparaging their belief system. But that, right now, in your heart, the theology simply doesn't resonate with you. Its not an easy conversation to have. Its actually a bit what i imagine coming out of the closet would be like.

Thank you, what you said is very true. Well I'm not sure if I made it clear enough (probably didn't) but I have told him that I don't believe what he does, or at least tried. But as I said, he interrupts, doesn't let me finish what I was saying, corrects everything as though he knows the truth, and believes its' just a "phase" I am going through. So round one is done, it's out there that I don't believe; I just need to make it clear. So round two is coming up, any suggestions?

Wow, just wow. I hate to say it but after reading what you wrote about being less human for failing to do religious practices there is no way for your father to NOT be really, really upset if you open up to him. But the sooner you let him know, the better it will be for the long term.

He is difficult but as I said, the word is out and he knows I don't believe what he does. Just getting it through his head will be tough.