Poll: My Family Problem

[Kpt._Rob]

I would say it really depends on how much you care about him, and if you're willing to bear the weight of some nearly inevitible psychological guilt, so let me explain.

Consider how shook up he seems to be after the divorce with your mom, even though it's years later. A psychologically healthy human being would have moved on, but he seems to have fallen deeper into the mire that has become his life. It really sounds like to call him emotionally unstable would be a gross understatement. If he has rallied whatever will he has inside him to admit his mistakes and reached out to you, you could very well be his last hope. And it is also not unreasnoble to assume that rejection by his own child could very possibly drive him over the deep end.

Needless to say, this puts you in a very unfair position, but unfortunately life is quite frequently unfair. You must choose to either forgive him, potentially being the force which can bring his life in a more positive direction. Or you can choose to reject him, potentially speeding his life in the negative direction in which it seems to have been headed.

So I would say that the right thing to do would be to forgive him, and try to help him. The benefits are that you might be able to change the life of someone who cares about you. To choose the other option, while it would be understandable, will result in negative changes in his life, and if you are a normal sympathetic human being, will also probably cause you a considerable amount of guilt. I would say the benefits of forgiveness far outweigh the potential consequences of punishing him with rejection for his past relationship with you and your family.

 

[[Cold-Shoulder]]

Sorry to hear about your past with your father.
If I was you I'd just stop seeing him one day and never talk to him again. Of course this will most likely have future repercussions. But it all depends on what you think, compared to your choice my opinions are nothing.

 

[Break]

Cut him out? What is this, a soap opera? What a ridiculous idea. You can't expect something like that to actually work. Unless you want to turn your life into one of those romance dramas, where the female lead reconciles the male lead with his estranged father through the power of love.

Not that running back to him with open arms and a warm smile every time he wants to make amends is such a good idea. Back off for a while - don't put yourself in a situation where he could be a danger to you, and don't expect him to magically become the perfect father. He's not going to try to reform if he believes he's already lost you, but he's not going to put much effort in if he thinks you'll give him a free pass every time he fails, either. It's about balance.

Really, he may have fucked you up pretty badly already, but "cutting him out" just means leaving the whole thing unresolved, and that'd give you a hell of a lot more issues in the long run.

 

[Actual]

Finally, in one horrific act of child abuse, he held me over the railing of a 3rd-floor balchoney by my ankles......Should I blow him off, or should I try to form a lasting relationship with him?

Depends what you did to wind him up

Many times I've thought of doing this to my baby bro to shut him up, shame he's too heavy to safely do it now.

My vote went to not cutting him out because of what Kpt_Rob, and Break said. I've learnt always to pretend what you're saying to the people you care about is the last thing you'll ever get to say to them, just in case it is.

on another note, why didn't your mom get custody if he's so abusive? did she not care about leaving you with an angry drunk?

Cut her off too...

Yeah, that sounds kinda strange actually...

I think you mis-read it. His mum does have custody, he has visits to his father, and the father pays child support to the mother.

 

[WendelI]

Sorry to hear about your past with your father.
If I was you I'd just stop seeing him one day and never talk to him again. Of course this will most likely have future repercussions. But it all depends on what you think, compared to your choice my opinions are nothing.

I know everyone is agreeing with this idea of kicking him out of your life but damn is like I gotta agree as well, not because its the bandwagon its because you are an adult and parents are not "useful" to you any more. good parents should indeed be remembered and taken care of so you can enjoy their company for a long time before they inevitably depart. But bad parents should just be ignored. and if he dies alone in a nursing home at the age of 60 then he probably deserved it.

 

[DoctorObviously]

Personally, (AND I SAY PERSONALLY), if I had a gun, and if I knew how to remove evidence, I would put the safety off, put the gun to his head and pull the trigger. You just don't hurt your family, you just don't do that.

 

[Xorghul]

I'm 16, and my parents have been divorced for close to a decade. Recently I've been trying to stop my visits to my dad's house. I have several reasons for this. Most are pretty minor, teenage-angsty things, mostly his dissaproval of my taste in books/movies/games/friends/religion/clothes/hair. Obnoxious, but minor. He also tends complain to me and my brother about problems he's having with my mom, usually about child support. Bad, but not abnormal for divorced parents. However, during the marriage of my parents my dad was a massive alcoholic. He fought with my mom every night, and hit her frequently. He also hit our dogs, and he hit me on the last day of my parent's marriage. I also had to call 911 on him that day. After the divorce, he frequently drove drunk with my brother and me (something he still does.) He complained almost constantly about my mom, as he still does now, and at one point had me convinced that she was an alien from another planet ( I was 6, mind you.) Finally, in one horrific act of child abuse, he held me over the railing of a 3rd-floor balchoney by my ankles. He did the same thing to my brother, at our grandpa's house, at Christmas. He has, at some point or another, denied everything I've written here. The one reason I havn't left him already is because he's finally said that he's willing to discuss these things and, hopefully, move past them. I know this is a tremendous effort for him, since he has not admited he was wrong about anything before this to me, and it shows that he does love me. However, I'm not sure it's even possible for the two of us to ever have a normal father-son relationship. Should I blow him off, or should I try to form a lasting relationship with him? I've already made my choice, but getting the opinion of an unbiased 3rd-party would help put my mind at ease.

You love him, give him a chance and see if he can do it. Otherwise, bay bay.

 

[Berethond]

Cut him off...

I've already made my choice, but getting the opinion of an unbiased 3rd-party would help put my mind at ease.

on another note, why didn't your mom get custody if he's so abusive? did she not care about leaving you with an angry drunk?

Cut her off too...

Exactly.
Nobody needs family.

 

[ThreeWords]

I have a bad habit of thinking people are basically good at heart. For this reason, I say give him a chance.

 

[LockHeart]

I'm 16, and my parents have been divorced for close to a decade. Recently I've been trying to stop my visits to my dad's house. I have several reasons for this. Most are pretty minor, teenage-angsty things, mostly his dissaproval of my taste in books/movies/games/friends/religion/clothes/hair. Obnoxious, but minor. He also tends complain to me and my brother about problems he's having with my mom, usually about child support. Bad, but not abnormal for divorced parents. However, during the marriage of my parents my dad was a massive alcoholic. He fought with my mom every night, and hit her frequently. He also hit our dogs, and he hit me on the last day of my parent's marriage. I also had to call 911 on him that day. After the divorce, he frequently drove drunk with my brother and me (something he still does.) He complained almost constantly about my mom, as he still does now, and at one point had me convinced that she was an alien from another planet ( I was 6, mind you.) Finally, in one horrific act of child abuse, he held me over the railing of a 3rd-floor balchoney by my ankles. He did the same thing to my brother, at our grandpa's house, at Christmas. He has, at some point or another, denied everything I've written here. The one reason I havn't left him already is because he's finally said that he's willing to discuss these things and, hopefully, move past them. I know this is a tremendous effort for him, since he has not admited he was wrong about anything before this to me, and it shows that he does love me. However, I'm not sure it's even possible for the two of us to ever have a normal father-son relationship. Should I blow him off, or should I try to form a lasting relationship with him? I've already made my choice, but getting the opinion of an unbiased 3rd-party would help put my mind at ease.

My parents divorced a few years ago due to my father's drinking so I kind of know how you are feeling, 'fortunately' it was over lies and there was no massive rows or physical attacks, nor was there any psychological manipulation by either one. However, I know how you feel about the drink driving issue, I had that as well.

What I want to say is don't cut him out if he's willing to talk about it: I didn't cut my father out of my life, but he died before he actually admitted that he had problems. If your father is offering this to you, the best thing you can do is to take it. You might not have a normal relationship, but you'd be surprised at the amount of people who have 'normal' relationships with relatives on the surface, but are just putting up a front. Don't wait too long or you might end up in the same position as me, and I've gotta say, it hurts mate

 

[Zefar]

So he's been bad for like a decade? Sounds to me like he won't change that much.

You also say he drives around when he's drunk. Well depending on how much he drinks an accident might just be around the corner.

Personally I wouldn't give him a chance, treating you bad as a kid and tried to convince you that your mom was an alien. Plus the other stuff, he's probably desperate now and probably thinks you are old enough to make decisions. So he could lose you forever.

My mom and dad divorced too but it wasn't that bad. It was more like dad just didn't get along with mom. They had arguments and such, in the end mom just couldn't take it anymore and moved out. I moved with her because she didn't care how much I used the PC.

I still visit dad every second week or so for free Cider. He doesn't talk much about mom at all but he does complain on me and my twin brother a little bit. Like I should train a bit more and other things.

 

[Disaster Button]

I'd say give em ONE more chance, anymore minor fuckups then cut him out

 

[Andalusa]

It's completely up to you.

I do like to think that all people are good at heart, but from personal experience I was a lot happier after I cut off contact with my own father after my parents' divorce. He was a horrible enough person to all of my family during the time they were married and I was never comfortable with any of our visits. There was a bit of extra complication around the time of the divorce that social services got involved and I had to see my father, but that is resolved now, and like I said, I was a lot happier after I cut him out of my life.

My parents divorced nearly six years ago now, I don't know how you managed to put up with this for 10 or possibly more years. If you feel that cutting him out will make you happier, more content, then do it.

 

[EeveeElectro]

I hate men sometimes >.<
I'm glad my boyfriend isn;'t a knobhead like that, I guess I got lucky :3
Get this horrible man out your life, my love. Start afresh with your mum and brother, you'll be so much safer.