Well...
It looks to me, and don't take this the wrong way, more like some kind of rap verse than a poem. That's not a bad thing, but it's not really what you want to be aiming for when you write a conventional poem.
You see, poetry focuses hugely on the intrincasies of the language used, and the way that literary devices are used to certain effects. While there is a core theme and emotion to be expressed in almost every poem, half of that is the clever use and manipulation of the language used.
Take this line from the famous war poem Dulce Et Decorum Est as a simple example:
"Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning."
I'll focus particularly on the word "drowning". This word conjures up images of struggle, a painful death, and perfectly places an image in the readers mind of this victim of a gas attack stumbling through this foul green fog, as though he were drowning.
You've got the self-expression and emotion part absolutely nailed, all you've really got to do is work on the language side of things.
Keep Writing!
