Poll: Tales from the Urinal (and beyond!).

Dags90

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This week, the week of 15/7, is officially Awkward Penis Week.

So I'm pretty sure most guys have had awkward experiences at a urinal. "Wait, that's not my penis I'm shaking. Wtf!?" Here is a place to share those experiences without judgement[footnote]Ok, maybe a little[/footnote]. Women, feel free to enjoy this glimpse into male bathroom etiquette, and/or share your own awkward bathroom stories.

Both of mine happened at university.

So I walk into the bathroom and find the urinals are both taken by two of my professors. That's a bit awkward to begin with. I head for an open stall, and suddenly one of my professors starts a conversation with the other professor. What followed was one of the most awkward conversations about school administrators ever, with the one professor answering in awkward monosyllabic responses, and the other droning on. I was only grateful that I wasn't the one trapped in that conversation.

Story two. So I'm at the urinal, about to start my business, and this guy I have a big crush on comes into the bathroom and goes to the only other available urinal (the one next to me). I get so nervous that I can't get it started, give up and walk to the sink, unsatisfied and warm with shame. It sucked because I really had to go, but couldn't get it started while constantly thinking "don't look at his penis, he'll catch you".
 

Total LOLige

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I find it really hard to go in public loos, even when I'm the only one in there it takes 30 seconds to open the gates. I haven't had any awkward encounters in the public shitters, well once a lecturer at college was pissing in one of the cubicles with the door open. Two shakes and no more, if you walk out with a hard on you're shaking it too many times.
 

Relish in Chaos

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Due to my anxiety in social situations exacerbated by paranoia that other men might look at my cock, I just piss in cubicles nowadays. But a while ago, when I was in Year 5, my friend decided it'd be funny to piss down my leg when we were both using the urinals. So I ran out to tell the teacher and he started crying.

Oh, and for some strange reason, I used to hang my arse out when I pissed in urinals because I had difficulty getting the buttons down on my trousers (I really was a weird and highly impractical child). One time, at my 8th or 9th birthday party, my friend and I was standing in neighbouring urinals, he saw my arse hanging out and laughed, "Dude, why the fuck is your arse hanging out?" I just nervously replied, "It's better that way."

And this must?ve been in Year 9, my friends and I were in the KFC toilet. Since my friend was using the cubicle, I had to use the urinal. As I was pissing, he?d finished in the cubicle. Once I?d finished, because there wasn?t any tissue (I always need tissue to pat down my knob because I worry about getting my boxers wet), I had to toddle sideaways to the nearby cubicle to get some, telling my friend, ?Hey, don?t look.? So, of course, he looked, got a glimpse of my dick, and said, ?Why?s your cock hanging out?? I quickly dried my knob on the tissue and explained myself, but then he proceeded to tell our friends about the incident.
 

StBishop

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Total LOLige said:
I find it really hard to go in public loos, even when I'm the only one in there it takes 30 seconds to open the gates. I haven't had any awkward encounters in the public shitters, well once a lecturer at college was pissing in one of the cubicles with the door open. Two shakes and no more, if you walk out with a hard on you're shaking it too many times.
I never understood that. I assume this about the anatomy, because the logistics of shaking a penis which has a foreskin is (presumably) different to shaking a penis without one.

Is it an American thing? Because I know that in the States circumcision is more common than not. Whereas here, I am almost certain that you can't opt in for a circumcision; they're only performed if deemed medically necessary by a doctor. Obviously a rabbi is allowed to perform circumcisions but it's not done by the doctors.

See for me, I'm going to shake until it's clean, I don't even know how you'd count the shakes, is back and forward one shake or is it based on a time interval. I shake for a good 2-3 seconds at least because I like being sure that I don't have urine on the end of my penis before I put it back in my pants.

Relish in Chaos said:
Due to my anxiety in social situations exacerbated by paranoia that other men might look at my cock, I just piss in cubicles nowadays. But a while ago, when I was in Year 5, my friend decided it'd be funny to piss down my leg when we were both using the urinals. So I ran out to tell the teacher and he started crying.

Oh, and for some strange reason, I used to hang my arse out when I pissed in urinals because I had difficulty getting the buttons down on my trousers (I really was a weird and highly impractical child). One time, at my 8th or 9th birthday party, my friend and I was standing in neighbouring urinals, he saw my arse hanging out and laughed, "Dude, why the fuck is your arse hanging out?" I just nervously replied, "It's better that way."

And this must?ve been in Year 9, my friends and I were in the KFC toilet. Since my friend was using the cubicle, I had to use the urinal. As I was pissing, he?d finished in the cubicle. Once I?d finished, because there wasn?t any tissue (I always need tissue to pat down my knob because I worry about getting my boxers wet), I had to toddle sideaways to the nearby cubicle to get some, telling my friend, ?Hey, don?t look.? So, of course, he looked, got a glimpse of my dick, and said, ?Why?s your cock hanging out?? I quickly dried my knob on the tissue and explained myself, but then he proceeded to tell our friends about the incident.
Just accuse your friend of being a filthy heathen for not caring about getting urine all over their underwear.

You're never the only one. I've done that before, I mean, sure I only do it at home, but I'm sure someone somewhere has been in the exact same boat.

I'll go ahead and admit that if I'm drunk at a friends house (ie, there's no urinal) I'll sit down to pee, because aiming is unreliable when you can't stand straight. I mean, it had to come up eventually right?
 

Scarim Coral

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Err first thing, I don't exactly count the amount of shakes I have to do.

Second thing, the only awkward experience I ever encounter is hearing people having bowel related problems. Not sure why, I guess the only bowel problem I only ever need to hear is when I have it much to my displeasure.
 

Rawne1980

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Not "awkward" as such more irritating.

There is an unspoken rule of urinals. Leave a space, don't stand directly next to someone when they are pissing and don't talk.

The last place I want to having a conversation is at a urinal with my cock in my hand.

Yet whenever I go to a public toilet, even if there is enough room to park a bus, some prick stands right next to me and asks me how my day is.
 

Goofguy

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Usually around 3-4 shakes is reasonable, imo. Some people say anything more than 3 and you're basically pleasuring yourself in a public bathroom. I disagree. It's not always a perfect stream, sometimes there are a few wayward drops.
 

Colour Scientist

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Jul 15, 2009
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I never fully understood why men don't just use cubicles. If some stranger stood next to me and tried to start a conversation with me while I was taking a wazz, I'd freak out.

I don't think I have any awkward bathroom stories, although, I do find it funny when someone is obviously taking a dump in a cubicle and they don't want anyone to know who they are or to hear them so when you (or anyone) walk into the bathroom they freeze until you do your business and leave. As in they don't move or make a sound (or some people have at it but won't come out and show their face until you're gone), which makes it uncomfortable because you know they're listening to everything you do, waiting for you to leave.

On a related note, I always wondered if two people needed to go at the same time, would they end up in some sort of stalemate? Where neither of them wants to make the first move.


I think this is the grossest post I have ever typed.
 

Dags90

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Colour-Scientist said:
I never fully understood why men don't just use cubicles.
Men aren't as good at flushing toilets, because they don't care as much if someone sees their massive dump. And some guys do use stalls, and intentionally pee all over the place, possibly to mark their territory (but mostly because they're assholes).

I figured with the whole "women going to the bathroom together" there'd be more lady stories about communal dumps.
 

Ectoplasmicz

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Nov 23, 2011
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Oh god, childhood embarrassment coming right up.

First day of school (ever) [footnote] ever ever ever [sub] ever ever ever [/sub] ever ever ever [sub] I'll stop... [/sub] [/footnote]

Walk into the toilet just before lunchtime and do my usual thing. I walk up to the urinal, and drop my pants. Now this is how I have always done my thing in toilets, home or not home. I drop my pants all the way, nobody had told me to change my (unknown to me) unique ways. So there I am, bare bottomed and pissing, when the lunch bell rings. So begins the flood of students coming into the bathroom, and the subsequent eruption of laughter at my pants-down bare-bottom urinal approach. I was dreadfully embarrassed, and this being my first day of school, 6 year old Ectoplasmicz could think of nothing better to do than to run out of the restroom, without pulling his god damn pants up. A teacher walks by and notices my tear drenched self and tells me to pull up my pants and to tell him what happened.

From there my memory is blurry, but everything I just explained has been engraved into my memory form the day it happened.

CHANGE OF SUBJECT

On a slightly different note, men, when there are plenty of available urinals, please refrain from using the one next to mine.

 

Ectoplasmicz

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Relish in Chaos said:
Oh, and for some strange reason, I used to hang my arse out when I pissed in urinals because I had difficulty getting the buttons down on my trousers (I really was a weird and highly impractical child). One time, at my 8th or 9th birthday party, my friend and I was standing in neighbouring urinals, he saw my arse hanging out and laughed, "Dude, why the fuck is your arse hanging out?" I just nervously replied, "It's better that way."
So I wasn't unique?! Read my post for context...
 

IamQ

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I've never been an active user of urinals, so I ain't got a lot of stories. The closest I can get is the last time I went to one, when I only got halfway, because someone else got to take a leak, and I instant stopped. It's going to take me a while to get comfortable with urinals.
 

Nash

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Why would you shake? Gently press from about halfway down and push the rest out.
 

Squilookle

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I must admit, it irritates me no end how I can't just 'finish' at a urinal and up and go to the sink. I shake, and I'm all good, but no, a few more drops. Shake again, repeat. Like 3 or 4 times!

IS THERE SOME KNACK TO IT I WAS JUST NEVER TAUGHT!?
 

Dags90

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Shanicus said:
Ahh, school bathrooms... I mastered the ability to hold it in for a solid day thanks to the awful quality of my high school bathrooms. Remember the awkward moment when going inside and discovering a 'large-size chocolate log' on the floor, right in the middle of the toilets. General reaction from me and two mates was 'FUCK. THAT.'

But seriously - what the fuck is wrong with high-schoolers? Why are all high-school toilets so completely filthy? WHY CAN'T THESE KIDS TAKE A SHIT IN THE TOILET LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE????????
The biggest problem with my high school's bathroom were the smokers. The older bathrooms took on a permanent, oppressive ashtray odor. You know when a smell is so pungent, you can taste it? It was like that, with cigarette ash.

I feel like the school should've put in some sort of smoking booth or something. If they're going to smoke in school (and they are), you could at least get them to do it in a place other people don't have to go.
 

Zyst

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We have a saying here in Mexico:

3 or more is wanking.

So 2, yeah two.

CAPTCHA: Just Dance
 

Colour Scientist

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Dags90 said:
I figured with the whole "women going to the bathroom together" there'd be more lady stories about communal dumps.
Nah, I've shared cubicles with girls before (mostly at nightclubs) and it's an unwritten rule that when going to the bathroom together, sharing a cubicle or otherwise, that shit (hurr) is just not cool.