Poll: This could be my only chance

[MASTACHIEFPWN]

So, you might have read that I asked the girl I like to hang out with me and a few of my friends, I also mentioned that she asked if we wanted to go as friend or more than that...

Some of you told me it was a good idea that I had patience, and leaned toward going as friends. but I think that I was wrong.

Some of you said it was like a mind game, and I think your right.

Now whenever I text her, she rarely texts me back, and she seems unintersted when she does. Maybe it's just a fluke... but I just like her too much to take any chances. I think that she might think I don't like her enough to confess my true feelings to her. She knows I like her, and this is where my mind starts getting scrambled. I think I should have leaned toward going as more than friends. I guess I just got caught up in the moment. So what should I do?

Should I tell her how I feel about her? truely? or should I do a more bold move? or should I just talk to her afterwards, and procede to ask her if she would like to go on an actual date.

Lets put it this way, Imagine this is like Mass Effect or Dragon Age, and you have to decided to be Paragon (Telling her how I feel, before the "date"), Renagade (Being bold and telling her on the "Date"), or nutural (Not really doing anything while hanging out). I just don't know. I'd do anything to save a chance at a relationship with her, but I'm fine with just being friends, but It seems like I messed that up as well. I just don't know...

So what do you think I should do? I'm sort of leaning toward telling her before...

 

[Kpt._Rob]

One of the things that I've learned over the years, is that few things are as likely to turn women off as the idea that you're already in love with them before they even really get to know you. Now I don't know you OP, but if I were to take a guess I'd say that you're a young guy. A young guy with a crush. One which, it sounds like, you may have made a little bit too obvious.

But here's the thing, when you go in with feelings that are much more intense than the person you want to have a relationship, the inevitable result is that they end up feeling rushed. You thought you were confessing to her feelings that would make her feel special to you, but all too often when people do things like that it doesn't read that way from the recipient. It often feels to them like "I don't know this guy way too well, and he probably doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does, so why is he treating me like we're soul mates?" That is to say, by acting so forward you may very well have created a situation in which you're forcing her to either pretend to have feelings for you that you haven't given her time to develop, or to go ahead and come out and say she doesn't feel that way.

It's all too easy to forget (especially when you're young) the reasons for which patience is considered a virtue. There's a reason we call these things "young love," and the reason is that when you're young you don't realize the extent to which your feelings control you. We've evolved to have intense emotions like those that you're feeling, but that doesn't mean that the feelings you have are motivated by the actual reality of who this girl is. I have yet to meet a guy (including myself) who has not at one point in time fallen head over heels with some girl, only to realize later that he's not even sure why he felt that way. Like it or not, that's just part of the human experience.

So my advice is this, back off and have some patience. At this point, since it seems like you may already have been a little too forward, it may be too late. When you have a crush it's hard to step back and get the perspective that helps you realize that it's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out (and the unfortunate reality is that most relationships don't work out).

If there is something to be salvaged though, the best thing you can probably do is ease up on her, and let her come to you if she wants to. It's like they say, if you love something let it go. If it's right, it'll come back. If she's not too freaked out and afraid of risking a jump into the deep end should she try to kindle a relationship with you, then maybe she'll start to become less distant. That doesn't mean that you can't express interest, but it does mean that you shouldn't overplay your interest. Saying "I'd like to see where this goes if you'll give it a chance" is one thing, saying "I love you and I know for sure you're the one" is a whole other matter.

That can be hard sometimes, especially when you're young. Patience is one of the most difficult skills you can learn. It is also one of the most valuable. That said, I don't expect you'll listen to me anyways. I've given advice like this a thousand times and more, and it's pretty rare that anyone actually listens, especially when they're young. But, I keep giving it on the off chance that someone will finally listen when I give the advice that I myself all too frequently forget: take a step back, have some perspective, and practice patience.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Let her know you're interested without declaring your undying love for her. If you come on too strong she will run a mile, as a girl, I've done it.

You can let people know you're interested in a subtle manner as opposed to saying it outright, be coy and be cool.

 

[MASTACHIEFPWN]

One of the things that I've learned over the years, is that few things are as likely to turn women off as the idea that you're already in love with them before they even really get to know you. Now I don't know you OP, but if I were to take a guess I'd say that you're a young guy. A young guy with a crush. One which, it sounds like, you may have made a little bit too obvious.

But here's the thing, when you go in with feelings that are much more intense than the person you want to have a relationship, the inevitable result is that they end up feeling rushed. You thought you were confessing to her feelings that would make her feel special to you, but all too often when people do things like that it doesn't read that way from the recipient. It often feels to them like "I don't know this guy way too well, and he probably doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does, so why is he treating me like we're soul mates?" That is to say, by acting so forward you may very well have created a situation in which you're forcing her to either pretend to have feelings for you that you haven't given her time to develop, or to go ahead and come out and say she doesn't feel that way.

It's all too easy to forget (especially when you're young) the reasons for which patience is considered a virtue. There's a reason we call these things "young love," and the reason is that when you're young you don't realize the extent to which your feelings control you. We've evolved to have intense emotions like those that you're feeling, but that doesn't mean that the feelings you have are motivated by the actual reality of who this girl is. I have yet to meet a guy (including myself) who has not at one point in time fallen head over heels with some girl, only to realize later that he's not even sure why he felt that way. Like it or not, that's just part of the human experience.

So my advice is this, back off and have some patience. At this point, since it seems like you may already have been a little too forward, it may be too late. When you have a crush it's hard to step back and get the perspective that helps you realize that it's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out (and the unfortunate reality is that most relationships don't work out).

If there is something to be salvaged though, the best thing you can probably do is ease up on her, and let her come to you if she wants to. It's like they say, if you love something let it go. If it's right, it'll come back. If she's not too freaked out and afraid of risking a jump into the deep end should she try to kindle a relationship with you, then maybe she'll start to become less distant. That doesn't mean that you can't express interest, but it does mean that you shouldn't overplay your interest. Saying "I'd like to see where this goes if you'll give it a chance" is one thing, saying "I love you and I know for sure you're the one" is a whole other matter.

That can be hard sometimes, especially when you're young. Patience is one of the most difficult skills you can learn. It is also one of the most valuable. That said, I don't expect you'll listen to me anyways. I've given advice like this a thousand times and more, and it's pretty rare that anyone actually listens, especially when they're young. But, I keep giving it on the off chance that someone will finally listen when I give the advice that I myself all too frequently forget: take a step back, have some perspective, and practice patience.

I have known her for a few months. It was a crush before I met her, and now I like everything about her. I don't text her much, but before this, whenever I did before this, she responded, and now, it's just like she is annoyed by me.

 

[The Funslinger]

Now whenever I text her, she rarely texts me back

I might be reading into it, but I should say, don't be the needy guy. If she isn't being responsive, leave her alone for the time being and talk to her another day. To her mind, it goes like this: "if he's like this as friends, how overbearing will he be in a relationship." Because the simplest way to imagine a relationship is basically "everything is enhanced, more important. We would be more than friends, everything is more." As the first reply said, don't be all "I'm in love with you" to a girl who doesn't know you all too intimately. Especially when you don't know if you'll function as a couple. What you're in love with would be your idealized notion of the relationship. Just pursue it like you're asking anyone out on a date.

 

[Jordi]

I think you already had a lot of good advice in this thread and others. I think you should take it easy and don't immediately declare your undying love for her. I do think your patience shouldn't extend so far as to do nothing though. If you want a relationship with her, you should go for it. Slowly. Just to fun things with her. Don't think about it too much, and don't make too big of a deal about it. When she asks if it's a date or just a friendly get-together, you can either be honest (you want it to be a date), or maybe a little playful/mysterious ("we'll see"). I would not advise you to lie and say you want to be just friends though. I don't really think that will help your chances in the long run anyway, because she might not be too happy about the idea that all the time you said you were just (pretending to be) her friend, you were secretly looking for ways to get into her pants. I just embellished that last sentence a bit, and I'm not saying that that's all you want, but I hope you get the point.

Edit: the guy above me posted while I was typing this. I agree for the most part. There are other girls around, and you shouldn't fall into the trap of just wanting this one if she doesn't love you back. I also think that her not texting you back is a bad sign, but I still say you should try to go for it on the off chance that she does want you. But even if she doesn't I think getting rejected is better than to keep wondering whether she liked you back if you didn't try. It would suck hard of course, but it will help you get over her much quicker (at which point you should start looking at other girls and not staying focused on this one). I know you're afraid of losing her as a friend, but she already knows you like her and your still friends, right? Don't worry so much about it. I say the risk is worth it anyway.

 

[loc978]

I don't know this for certain, but... it sounds to me like she wants you to chase her. I say be bold. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

If I'm wrong, it would probably screw up your chances with her forever, but there are other fish in the sea.

 

[gmaverick019_v1legacy]

Now whenever I text her, she rarely texts me back

I might be reading into it, but I should say, don't be the needy guy. If she isn't being responsive, leave her alone for the time being and talk to her another day. To her mind, it goes like this: "if he's like this as friends, how overbearing will he be in a relationship." Because the simplest way to imagine a relationship is basically "everything is enhanced, more important. We would be more than friends, everything is more." As the first reply said, don't be all "I'm in love with you" to a girl who doesn't know you all too intimately. Especially when you don't know if you'll function as a couple. What you're in love with would be your idealized notion of the relationship. Just pursue it like you're asking anyone out on a date.

yeah this mostly, the only thing i would suggest is if your date does "happen", then make it a splendid time and make sure she realizes why she likes to hang out/be with you, then if things are going amazing, confess it to her afterwards, if not, just enjoy the time you had and live to try again another day.


being the "needy" guy, is one of the worst mistakes you can do.

 

[Kpt._Rob]

One of the things that I've learned over the years, is that few things are as likely to turn women off as the idea that you're already in love with them before they even really get to know you. Now I don't know you OP, but if I were to take a guess I'd say that you're a young guy. A young guy with a crush. One which, it sounds like, you may have made a little bit too obvious.

But here's the thing, when you go in with feelings that are much more intense than the person you want to have a relationship, the inevitable result is that they end up feeling rushed. You thought you were confessing to her feelings that would make her feel special to you, but all too often when people do things like that it doesn't read that way from the recipient. It often feels to them like "I don't know this guy way too well, and he probably doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does, so why is he treating me like we're soul mates?" That is to say, by acting so forward you may very well have created a situation in which you're forcing her to either pretend to have feelings for you that you haven't given her time to develop, or to go ahead and come out and say she doesn't feel that way.

It's all too easy to forget (especially when you're young) the reasons for which patience is considered a virtue. There's a reason we call these things "young love," and the reason is that when you're young you don't realize the extent to which your feelings control you. We've evolved to have intense emotions like those that you're feeling, but that doesn't mean that the feelings you have are motivated by the actual reality of who this girl is. I have yet to meet a guy (including myself) who has not at one point in time fallen head over heels with some girl, only to realize later that he's not even sure why he felt that way. Like it or not, that's just part of the human experience.

So my advice is this, back off and have some patience. At this point, since it seems like you may already have been a little too forward, it may be too late. When you have a crush it's hard to step back and get the perspective that helps you realize that it's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out (and the unfortunate reality is that most relationships don't work out).

If there is something to be salvaged though, the best thing you can probably do is ease up on her, and let her come to you if she wants to. It's like they say, if you love something let it go. If it's right, it'll come back. If she's not too freaked out and afraid of risking a jump into the deep end should she try to kindle a relationship with you, then maybe she'll start to become less distant. That doesn't mean that you can't express interest, but it does mean that you shouldn't overplay your interest. Saying "I'd like to see where this goes if you'll give it a chance" is one thing, saying "I love you and I know for sure you're the one" is a whole other matter.

That can be hard sometimes, especially when you're young. Patience is one of the most difficult skills you can learn. It is also one of the most valuable. That said, I don't expect you'll listen to me anyways. I've given advice like this a thousand times and more, and it's pretty rare that anyone actually listens, especially when they're young. But, I keep giving it on the off chance that someone will finally listen when I give the advice that I myself all too frequently forget: take a step back, have some perspective, and practice patience.

I have known her for a few months. It was a crush before I met her, and now I like everything about her. I don't text her much, but before this, whenever I did before this, she responded, and now, it's just like she is annoyed by me.

Let me clarify my point. When you're a young guy with a crush, a few months of "knowing someone," whatever that entails, and infrequent texting, may seem like enough time to learn to "like everything" about them. I'm going to contend that it's not. I'll stick to my words here, you can make of them what you will, and like I said, I don't expect you to listen to them. I probably wouldn't have listened to them even a couple years ago myself. Hell, I might not even now if I were in your shoes. But that's not a criticism of the advice so much as it is a statement on the ability of the human mind to convince us of things. Perception, as they say, is reality (only, of course, it isn't, it's only your personal reality), and there is nothing which clouds perception quite like the emotions with which we all must learn to deal.

I'd be a liar to say that I know for a fact that what I say here is true in your case, but if I were a betting man, I'd put a lot of money on this bet. Maybe a year from now, maybe five, maybe longer (if you're someone who holds on to things long after you ought to have let them go), I'll bet you look back and realize that you weren't so much in love as you were overwhelmed by hormones.

Again, will I advocate perspective. Not because I know you, but because just about everyone has been through things like this, especially when they were young, and it almost always turns out the same. So maybe you're an exception to the rule, but I wouldn't put my eggs in that basket if I were you.

 

[Kaytastrophe]

So, you might have read that I asked the girl I like to hang out with me and a few of my friends, I also mentioned that she asked if we wanted to go as friend or more than that...

Some of you told me it was a good idea that I had patience, and leaned toward going as friends. but I think that I was wrong.

Some of you said it was like a mind game, and I think your right.

Now whenever I text her, she rarely texts me back, and she seems unintersted when she does. Maybe it's just a fluke... but I just like her too much to take any chances. I think that she might think I don't like her enough to confess my true feelings to her. She knows I like her, and this is where my mind starts getting scrambled. I think I should have leaned toward going as more than friends. I guess I just got caught up in the moment. So what should I do?

Should I tell her how I feel about her? truely? or should I do a more bold move? or should I just talk to her afterwards, and procede to ask her if she would like to go on an actual date.

Lets put it this way, Imagine this is like Mass Effect or Dragon Age, and you have to decided to be Paragon (Telling her how I feel, before the "date"), Renagade (Being bold and telling her on the "Date"), or nutural (Not really doing anything while hanging out). I just don't know. I'd do anything to save a chance at a relationship with her, but I'm fine with just being friends, but It seems like I messed that up as well. I just don't know...

So what do you think I should do? I'm sort of leaning toward telling her before...

dude she gave you an opening and you turned her down. She would not have asked if you were going as more if she didn't want you to say more than friends. Most of the time when you invite a girl out with a bunch of your friends they usually get the message it is not a date. She was asking you because she wanted it to be a date. Now she is avoiding you because she feels rejected/embarrassed. Next time you see her get her alone and tell her that you like the idea of going as more then just friends before you go to your event (I would also try and suggest to your friends that make excuses to become scarce; especially if she wants this to be a date). But for the love of god do not go and profess your love to her (because you don't). Tell her your interested in her and that you would like to try going as more then just friends. Besides you do have nothing to lose. This girl doesnt seem interested in being you friend as much as being something more.

Don't worry though dude, your not the first guy to miss the signs. On my first date with my current girlfriend she did the whole "Im cold" during the movie looking for me to put my arm around her. I replied "want my coat". After the movie she stayed at my place until 2 or so in the morning I never thought to make a movie. She was really disappointed thinking we were going to be just friends. So don't worry your not the first or last guy to miss the signs but go and tell her as soon as you can.

 

[MasterOfWorlds]

So, you might have read that I asked the girl I like to hang out with me and a few of my friends, I also mentioned that she asked if we wanted to go as friend or more than that...

Some of you told me it was a good idea that I had patience, and leaned toward going as friends. but I think that I was wrong.

Some of you said it was like a mind game, and I think your right.

Now whenever I text her, she rarely texts me back, and she seems unintersted when she does. Maybe it's just a fluke... but I just like her too much to take any chances. I think that she might think I don't like her enough to confess my true feelings to her. She knows I like her, and this is where my mind starts getting scrambled. I think I should have leaned toward going as more than friends. I guess I just got caught up in the moment. So what should I do?

Should I tell her how I feel about her? truely? or should I do a more bold move? or should I just talk to her afterwards, and procede to ask her if she would like to go on an actual date.

Lets put it this way, Imagine this is like Mass Effect or Dragon Age, and you have to decided to be Paragon (Telling her how I feel, before the "date"), Renagade (Being bold and telling her on the "Date"), or nutural (Not really doing anything while hanging out). I just don't know. I'd do anything to save a chance at a relationship with her, but I'm fine with just being friends, but It seems like I messed that up as well. I just don't know...

So what do you think I should do? I'm sort of leaning toward telling her before...

Maybe you should give her some distance? It sounds like you guys did spend some time together, and you probably had a good time, but if she said that she didn't mind if you went as more than friends...well, that should have been a big hint, at least, I would have taken it that way (as you might have) if she hadn't just come out of a crappy relationship, so I say good move as for not making the original get together as "more than friends."

I'm not sure how I'd approach this situation if I were in your shoes. I'm fairly straightforward about telling women that I like them, and it's had mixed results.

Try giving her a few days to herself, and then, instead of texting, call her. You obviously have her number if you're texting her, and it's a little more personal that way. Just call her up and say, "Hey, we haven't gotten a chance to chill in a while, why don't we grab some lunch or something?" It's not a date, it's just a friendly get together, and while you guys are there, you can ask what's up and just explain how you feel. Tell her that while you did have a crush on her, that you wanted to get to know her better before you made any decisions, and I think that she'll appreciate that. Make sure you pay for lunch though. Even if she insists. Now, if she insists more than twice, you should let her pay for her half, because people tend to get weird about stuff like that, and you don't want to make her feel like she owes you.

I went out with a girl a few times like that before I asked her out, and our second time eating lunch she said, "I didn't think you like me." I simply shruged and said, "If I didn't like you, I wouldn't have brought you to lunch."

Just be honest with her without falling to your knees and professing eternal love. While that might be sweet to someone you've been with for a while...not so much with someone you're trying to convince to date you. XD

 

[artanis_neravar]

So, you might have read that I asked the girl I like to hang out with me and a few of my friends, I also mentioned that she asked if we wanted to go as friend or more than that...

Some of you told me it was a good idea that I had patience, and leaned toward going as friends. but I think that I was wrong.

Some of you said it was like a mind game, and I think your right.

Now whenever I text her, she rarely texts me back, and she seems unintersted when she does. Maybe it's just a fluke... but I just like her too much to take any chances. I think that she might think I don't like her enough to confess my true feelings to her. She knows I like her, and this is where my mind starts getting scrambled. I think I should have leaned toward going as more than friends. I guess I just got caught up in the moment. So what should I do?

Should I tell her how I feel about her? truely? or should I do a more bold move? or should I just talk to her afterwards, and procede to ask her if she would like to go on an actual date.

Lets put it this way, Imagine this is like Mass Effect or Dragon Age, and you have to decided to be Paragon (Telling her how I feel, before the "date"), Renagade (Being bold and telling her on the "Date"), or nutural (Not really doing anything while hanging out). I just don't know. I'd do anything to save a chance at a relationship with her, but I'm fine with just being friends, but It seems like I messed that up as well. I just don't know...

So what do you think I should do? I'm sort of leaning toward telling her before...

I read your other topic to (don't remember if I responded) and I would say before the "date" ask her if she is still interested in this being an actual date.

 

[Loner Jo Jo]

I think that she might think I don't like her enough to confess my true feelings to her.

Well, there's your problem! Girls like assertiveness and boldness. Just be honest. "Hey, I like you. I don't want to be just friends. What do you say?"

Here's what I say you do. Go on the date as if nothing changed, still just friends, but try flirting with her more, breaking that physical barrier and see how she responds. If she's not receptive to it, back off and settle for just friends. If she is receptive to it, tell her the next day or possibly even the day after, in no uncertain terms that you want to take her on a real date. Just the two of you, trying to see if you two click as a couple.