Question about Relationships and Whatnot

Smooth Operator

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auron200004 said:
I'm just referring to it as a relationship in the very bare-bones definition. If you'd prefer "interactions" or something, that's what I mean by that.

Are you sure that won't just serve to alienate things further? She's made it pretty clear that she doesn't want any sort of substantial thing right now, and if I refer to it as a date she will probably assume I'm trying to kickstart a relationship. I mean, we hang out, sometimes alone. Those are...effectively, I guess...dates in all but name, yeah?
It doesn't matter what name you use, you just make it clear that you are trying to hang onto any kind relationship you can get with her, which puts pressure on the other party who just wanted a fun time. And if I noticed it as a guy in this very short exchange then you can be absolutely assured that lady knows without a doubt where this train is going, places she didn't want to go, places that remind her of bad shit.

And yes resetting things will alienate what you have going on completely, that is the point, because your situation can not improve the way it is going. So if you make it clear this can't go on but you are available for a fun date and leave her to ponder, things should break down to "This cool guy I met and had a good time with has an open invitation for a fun date."
If you try to press the issue however it will remain at "This guy I'm unsure of wants me in a relationship."
Also as long as the current friendship keeps going everything will only ever count as a friendly exchange, you need to decide if you will stick to only that or break the mold all together.
 

Johnny Novgorod

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auron200004 said:
What I'm asking is this: is it best for me to move on and try to find other people to date?
Yes. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. Simple as that in my book. No point wasting time hanging around.
 

Platypus540

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I'd say that while you don't need to give up on the possibility of ever dating her, you definitely shouldn't close yourself off from other possibilities. Remember, she's clearly not interested in a relationship with you, and it won't be pleasant for either of you if you sort of halfway-date her forever.
 

NinjaSniperAssassin

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Sep 19, 2012
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Platypus540 said:
I'd say that while you don't need to give up on the possibility of ever dating her, you definitely shouldn't close yourself off from other possibilities. Remember, she's clearly not interested in a relationship with you, and it won't be pleasant for either of you if you sort of halfway-date her forever.
Second this. I was in a similar situation at one point, after I met a girl who was sort-of interested in me for the first time. In hindsight she obviously didn't want us to be more than casual friends, but because she never flat-out said that I convinced myself that she was just bad at showing affection. Long story short, the whole thing came crashing down quite painfully right on my head, and I never heard from her again. Trust me, if a girl wants to be with you she'll be with you, if she ums and ahs and resists moving into a relationship with you, move on out. By all means keep in touch, but ONLY IF you can be around her without wishing the 2 of you were a couple. If the thought of her telling you about a new boyfriend makes you uncomfortable, you aren't ready to be friends.

To elaborate, my experience was super duper similar to yours. Went on a successful first couple dates, really enjoyed spending time with her, we were in regular communication, then she started to get distant. Nevertheless, I still stayed in touch, and over 5 months (yeah, seriously) I repeatedly went from trying to move on (when she would keep shooting down my attempts to arrange dates), to planning my "Be my girlfriend" speech (when she would agree to go for dinner or whatever), and back again. Yet through all this I was so sure I'd finally met someone I truly clicked with, and I knew she was worth waiting for. At least I thought that right up until I met her new boyfriend.

Moral of the story: people aren't worth "waiting for". If you make it clear that you want a relationship with someone, and they say anything other than "Yes", you are under absolutely zero obligation to "wait for them". Move on, keep looking, and eventually you'll meet someone who you feel just the same about and who will give you that "Yes".
 

Smooth Operator

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NinjaSniperAssassin said:
Moral of the story: people aren't worth "waiting for". If you make it clear that you want a relationship with someone, and they say anything other than "Yes", you are under absolutely zero obligation to "wait for them". Move on, keep looking, and eventually you'll meet someone who you feel just the same about and who will give you that "Yes".
Some practical real world advice for the future: Don't fixate on relationships. If you make the dating part fun everything else will come together, you start pushing for relationships with people who barely know you and their first instinct will be to run.

Dating is a very critical elimination process, just because you found someone attractive at first sight doesn't mean they are a perfect magical creature that will just get along with you forever, that is imaginary Disney/Hollywood bullshit, real people are messed up and it's on you to figure our if you can work with that mess.
Check the depth before diving in head first.
 

Johnny Impact

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manic_depressive13 said:
But alright, I'll give my two cents. I've never in my life seen a relationship where one person had to wait for the other work out. It's right up there with "taking a break" as a sign that your relationship is doomed. If that person felt strongly about you they wouldn't want to just be friends while they dated around.
That pretty much covers it.

You don't know how long you'll have to wait. It could be forever. You caring about her doesn't matter. Strip away the euphemisms, what we're left with is she's going to do what she wants to do and to hell with your feelings. Doesn't make her evil, that's just how people act. I know it's a hard pill to swallow, but it's true.

You can pine for something you might never have, or move on to something that seems a bit more likely. Or take some time off, yourself, if you want.