Relationship Red Flags/Mistakes

Vault101

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I'm sure Red Flag has a somewhat different meaning to everyone. I don't view red flags as deal breakers per se but rather things you pay attention too at all stages of a relationship. In fact a red flag could even be manageable if you DON'T ignore it .Hence why I added mistake in the title, a red flag combined with mistake is a headache for everyone...but mostly you.

What things ping your radar? have you ever ignored said pings for better or for worse? what mistakes have you made? can you ever truly rationally asses the red flags in a potential other person or is it only something you can ever do in retrospect? (honest question. I'm not sure about that one)

here's my personal red flags

1.) Being friends with their Ex

Disclaimer: people can totally be friends with their ex. Every situation is different. That said though if things are clearly "complicated" then they need to sort their stuff out. No point getting involved in that mess.

Pairs well with the mistake of: Letting your desire to be "chill" and not "jealous and clingy" suppress your intuition that what you're feeling might actually be valid and maybe your date is being an ass.

2.) Coming on way too intense at the start


This ones tricky because people express themselves differently (and what is normal even?) but Love Bombing absolutely is real and can totally blind side you if your susceptible.

Pairs well with the mistake of: "haha yeah thats just how x is"

3.) Mental Illness

Ok ok I'm not saying people with mental health issues aren't worthy of love or that I wouldn't date someone with mental health issues, heck most of us have something we got to manage (myself included) but you have to be realistic. Often it will come up at some point and you may or may not be able to deal with it. Especially if someone isn't in a place where they can manage it. I'm not the kind of person who can provide that kind of support they might need.

Pairs well with the mistake of: Not doing your damn research if someone discloses a specific condition to you.

4.) Having a bad attitude in general

So this one is kinda vague and subtle (and not necessarily what you'll see on a first date) but its one of things that you know it when you see it, especially in how they veiw/treat people outside their inner circle or whomst they don't particular like. Its notable because if you find yourself on the other side then you might well be the subject of their ire.

Pairs well with the mistake of: haha your habit of holding a grudge and being spiteful is amusing when its not me and I'm not going to make an effort to discourage this....

Those are I think the only things that would really cause me to hesitate to pursue something with somone I was genuinely into
 

SilentPony

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Almost all of mine revolve around trust and privacy, with the hard line of "You either trust me or you don't." If you do, great, we can move forward. If you don't, I'm not going to waste my time.
I had 3 girls in a row who I was interested in say part of dating them would be giving them my Facebook login, and free access to my cellphone whenever they wanted. And that was considered entry level stipulation. After the third one I deleted my Facebook, and never looked back. I had a girlfriend who demanded to see my phone, convinced I was cheating on her. And I mean she had a name and a face to go with the girl I was apparently with, Jessica the blonde from my class. And there was no Jessica, no blonde, no class, no girl. I wasn't cheating or trying to hide something. But she was so paranoid and into social media she was convinced, and Im sure to this day thinks she dodged a bullet when I broke up with her.

Which brings me to a second red flag. Too many social media accounts/obsessed with social media. Look, lets just skip over the fact the more social media accounts you have, the higher chance of depression you have. I'm talking about people who think a large portion of a relationship takes place online. People who need to be "Instagram official" or post selfies with their girls and boo every fucking day, or their relationship isn't real. You should never need the validation of others, especially strangers, to be in a happy relationship.
and ironically the opposite is considered a red flag in lots of dating circles. I know plenty of women, younger millennials and older gen z to be fair, who think a guy not having a Twitter, Instagram, or WhatsApp account is a huge red flag and a sign he's trying to hide something. And I have to be the one who points out no, the huge red flag is that you're googling someone's name within 5mins of meeting them to basically do a stalking background check.
Its so fucking creepy and unhealthy the number of people who judge a potential partner by their social media activity, or lack there of.

Also anyone who uses/has used a dating app, stay the hell away from them. There is no good that will come from trying to date people so desperate they have fallen for those scams. It shows a lack of self care, and a superficial understanding of human interaction.
 
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Vault101

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-part of dating them would be giving them my Facebook login, and free access to my cellphone whenever they wanted.
oof...you definitely do not want to be giving anyone your login. That will backfire spectacularly. And yeah even if you are in a relationship with somone the phone (and especially massages) should be off limits. I mean I have been cheated on so it does drive you a little nuts but...I never demeaned access to someones phone.

And I have to be the one who points out no, the huge red flag is that you're googling someone's name within 5mins of meeting them to basically do a stalking background check.
To be devils advocate here. there is a safety aspect to it. Because we tend to date people completely outside our existing social spheres one might feel more secure getting a sense of someone from their socials. Granted it might be a false sense of security because a.) social media is only the tip of the iceberg of who someone is, if that and b.) a truly dedicated psycho could probably mock that up easy enough. Weather its fair or not we at least want to know that someone is who they say they are and unfortunately if someone doesn't "exist" online we get a little scared of the unknown. Also if you are chatting with somone online doing a reverse google image search is probably wise just to check you aren't being catfished.

Also anyone who uses/has used a dating app, stay the hell away from them. There is no good that will come from trying to date people so desperate they have fallen for those scams. It shows a lack of self care, and a superficial understanding of human interaction.
is that even possible these days? or has the "normal" needle shifted so much its too weird to ask people out irl anymore?
 

SilentPony

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To be devils advocate here. there is a safety aspect to it. Because we tend to date people completely outside our existing social spheres one might feel more secure getting a sense of someone from their socials. Granted it might be a false sense of security because a.) social media is only the tip of the iceberg of who someone is, if that and b.) a truly dedicated psycho could probably mock that up easy enough. Weather its fair or not we at least want to know that someone is who they say they are and unfortunately if someone doesn't "exist" online we get a little scared of the unknown. Also if you are chatting with somone online doing a reverse google image search is probably wise just to check you aren't being catfished.
Don't you get how creepy and dystopian this is? A guy isn't real, or he's dangerous, or has something to hide unless he posts personal information on a corporate run ad site? A guy says he likes dogs, but his Instagram doesn't have enough pictures of dogs, therefore he's the one to look out for? Not the woman desperately looking through photos of someone she just met/heard about?
And even then, like you said its a false sense of security because 1. nothing on social media can be trusted, and 2. all social media is fake.
And Im willing to bet women, and men, are smart enough to know its a false sense of security. But they do it anyway. So really its just a spying ritual, judging someone by pictures of themselves and their friends. Maybe its an insecurity and they're seeing if there are other attractive people in their sphere. Maybe its an addiction and they can't help themselves. Maybe they just like social media stalking strangers?
Either way its a huge red flag that this person isn't stable enough to be in a relationship with.
 

Chimpzy

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Personally, hardcore religious types. Just no.

More in general, if they are rude or snobby to staff while on a date. Chances are that attitude will creep into their other relationships too. Stuff like showing up overly late for no real reason, or interrupting things to talk on the phone/reply to messages while on a date. Like, either put in some effort and consideration, or if you're not interested, just say so and stop wasting both our time. Talking too much about their exes is also a classic.

But above all, neglecting to mention they have a kid. Especially if you have to find out cuz the kid walked in on you banging.
 

SilentPony

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Personally, hardcore religious types. Just no.

More in general, if they are rude or snobby to staff while on a date. Chances are that attitude will creep into their other relationships too. Stuff like showing up overly late for no real reason, or interrupting things to talk on the phone/reply to messages while on a date. Like, either put in some effort and consideration, or if you're not interested, just say so and stop wasting both our time. Talking too much about their exes is also a classic.

But above all, neglecting to mention they have a kid. Especially if you have to find out cuz the kid walked in on you banging.
Ill add kids to mine. Its not a red flag, I have no problem with someone having children. But it is a deal breaker. I do not want kids, and I want nothing to do with being a stepdad and all the legal drama that entails. That's just not me.
Not malicious about it, I don't find it offensive or suspicious, its just the answer is no, that's not for me.
 

Dirty Hipsters

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1. People who are rude to retail/waitstaff. They don't see people who they view as "socially below them" as real people, and if anything bad happens in your life where your quality of life decreases they will leave you in a heartbeat. They care more about the social status of their relationship than about you.

2. People who talk during a movie when you're in a theater. They don't respect the people around them and have no self-awareness. To them they are the main character of the world.

3. People who can't watch a movie or TV show without constantly glancing at their phone. They're never satisfied and always feel like they're missing out and are looking for the next best thing. They can't live in the moment and just enjoy themselves.

4. People who don't let their significant other go out without them. They're either so controlling, jealous, and distrustful that they can't be away from their SO without getting suspicious, or they're just so boring and have so little going on in their life that they are literally just living through their SO.
 

SilentPony

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1. People who are rude to retail/waitstaff. They don't see people who they view as "socially below them" as real people, and if anything bad happens in your life where your quality of life decreases they will leave you in a heartbeat. They care more about the social status of their relationship than about you.

2. People who talk during a movie when you're in a theater. They don't respect the people around them and have no self-awareness. To them they are the main character of the world.

3. People who can't watch a movie or TV show without constantly glancing at their phone. They're never satisfied and always feel like they're missing out and are looking for the next best thing. They can't live in the moment and just enjoy themselves.

4. People who don't let their significant other go out without them. They're either so controlling, jealous, and distrustful that they can't be away from their SO without getting suspicious, or they're just so boring and have so little going on in their life that they are literally just living through their SO.
I remember one of my SO was just the worst when it came to watching shows and movies. Just like bad at watching them. I never understood it, she wasn't on her phone, she was always watching, attentive...she just never actually grasped what was going on. She would pause/stop the show every 5mins to ask me what just happened. Like I distinctly remember trying to watch Indiana Jones and the raiders of the lost arc, and we do the opening scene of Indy on the river bank, pulls out the whip, knocks the gun out of the mooks hand and we do the big reveal of Ford.
Next scene they're entering the cave, and she paused the movie to ask if those are the same two guys from the previous scene, who they are, why they're there, and what just happened in the previous scene. And I just never got it.
 

Chimpzy

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Ill add kids to mine. Its not a red flag, I have no problem with someone having children. But it is a deal breaker. I do not want kids, and I want nothing to do with being a stepdad and all the legal drama that entails. That's just not me.
Not malicious about it, I don't find it offensive or suspicious, its just the answer is no, that's not for me.
Same, I have no interest in kids, either my own or otherwise. So yes, kids are a red flag, but that wasn't all. See, she was 6 years older than me, and now I know having kids at her age is a real possibility, but back then I was still young, stupid, and horny, and I'll be honest, I just thought dating an older woman was really hot. But it wasn't just that she never told me she had a 5-6yo daughter, or that the kid had walked in on us. No, no, no, the flag was redder than that.

It was that the kid was rather non-plussed at seeing her buck naked mom grinding an equally naked stranger, and my date was likewise seemingly not all that upset her kid just saw her having sex, just telling the kid to go back to sleep.

I noped the fuck out of there so fast. I was 23, and so not ready for that can of worms.
 

Gordon_4

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People who can't watch a movie or TV show without constantly glancing at their phone. They're never satisfied and always feel like they're missing out and are looking for the next best thing. They can't live in the moment and just enjoy themselves.
Or they’re, you know: not enjoying the show or movie and are ergo bored. They’re being rude certainly, but I think you’re being super presumptuous about motive on this one.
 

Zykon TheLich

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1) Someone else in the picture. Be it an ex, an ex who isn't quite their ex yet but totally will be soon, other people they haven't quite made their mind up on yet.
If you're an option in a multiple choice question they had better be making their mind up incredibly quickly.

Pairs well with the mistake of: giving up on your lifelong rule of telling girls with boyfriends to jog on because you're feeling pretty shitty about yourself and your prospects.

2) Being an ass to other people. Being rude to or having a go at service staff etc but also people who slag off their friends behind their back. It's not a great look and makes me wonder what you say about me. Being a bit of an obnoxious lairy drunk.

Pairs well with the mistake of: biting your tongue when people say things that you really feel they shouldn't.

3) Drug problems/mental illness/general chaotic shit. Spent far too much time in my life dealing with these. I'm not going back into the trenches again.

Pairs well with the mistake of: the majority of my life.
 
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McElroy

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I'm sure Red Flag has a somewhat different meaning to everyone. I don't view red flags as deal breakers per se but rather things you pay attention too at all stages of a relationship. In fact a red flag could even be manageable if you DON'T ignore it .Hence why I added mistake in the title, a red flag combined with mistake is a headache for everyone
I second this. There are bound to be things that can be pretty bad or difficult and demand explanation that are still possible to understand well enough so it won't be a deal breaker. Like a really ugly tattoo of a dead family member with corny text and bad art is bad on its own, but it becomes a genuine deal breaker if it's on the forehead (though of course it's a tall order for them to ever get a date to begin with). But of course I could be kidding myself, for my personal experience with the subject is very low.
 

Vault101

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But of course I could be kidding myself, for my personal experience with the subject is very low.
Yeah, I emphasised that because you really don't know till you're in the situation and everything is a case by case basis. Then again I haven't had the chance to exercise that judgment yet so mabye I'll throw all my reservations out the window (again) cause love fixes everything!

1) Someone else in the picture. Be it an ex, an ex who isn't quite their ex yet but totally will be soon, other people they haven't quite made their mind up on yet.
If you're an option in a multiple choice question they had better be making their mind up incredibly quickly.

2) Being an ass to other people. Being rude to or having a go at service staff etc but also people who slag off their friends behind their back. It's not a great look and makes me wonder what you say about me. Being a bit of an obnoxious lairy drunk.
its extra fun when 1 and 2 are the same person! like if you're going to be friends with you're ex just be friends with them..or don't! blegh.
The good thing about having a messed up relationship is it gives you a good baseline to work off so you know what you should/shouldn't do...the trick is only doing it once tho.
 

Zykon TheLich

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The good thing about having a messed up relationship is it gives you a good baseline to work off so you know what you should/shouldn't do...the trick is only doing it once tho.
Ah yes, unfortunately it can also give you either a sense that this is normal or that a bag of flaming dogshit and broken glass is better than a bag of flaming dogshit and broken glass in a pit of scorpions, and therefore put up with the former.