Relationships and gaming

[MindFragged]

I know it's lame to seek relationship advice on a forum, but this is a case where you guys could really help me out.

My girlfriend recently moved in with me and my housemate. Before then, when we were both free, my housemate and I would have a game night once a week where we'd power through on whatever for 5-6 hours before going to bed. Now, of course, any time we game basically means time that she is actively sidelined, and usually she'll want to hang out after an hour or so of reading a book or whatever.

Having been used to longer sessions, 1-2 hours (once, sometimes twice a week) feels like we're barely getting into the swing of things before we have to call it quits, and equally she feels bad for calling time. Then again, maybe I'm just being greedy... The last thing I want is to make her feel unwelcome, or like a killjoy.

I've never had to balance a relationship and gaming before - the latter happened when the former didn't.

How do you guys do it?

 

[HoneyVision]

Approach it mathematically. A relationship is an investment, which means compromise is required. Not optional, necessary. In order to receive the benefits you seek out of that relationship, you must invest something in return.

In this case it's your gaming time. If you're able to dedicate 5-6 hours per week for gaming with your housemate, then I imagine you are capable to create a similar arrangement with your girlfriend. I'm sure she's also sacrificing some of her time to be with you, so I presume you are expected to do the same.

If you're really finding it hard then sit down with her and ORGANIZE time. Put it in your planners so you don't forget. I know it might sound artificial, but balancing a relationship with your social life is no harder than balancing an equation. Like I said, it's an investment, and if you don't make the necessary compromises the whole thing will flop.

 

[krazykidd]

kick her to the curb

Ask her to join in ! I she's not interested , set apart a specific day for "you" time . On that day , and only that day, game for hours on end . The rest of the week cut it down to an hour or two. And spend some time with her .

 

[saoirse13]

Have a conversation with her and explain that you like to have an evening of gaming with your friend. If you feel you want to include her in that time then ask her if she would like to join in, if she does and your friend is ok with it then fair game. If she would rather not join in then just explain that its not that you don't want to spend time with her so much that you would like to keep to your routine of spending time gaming with your friend.
She should understand, and also encourage her to use that time to catch up on things with her own friends, Use it as a friends night were everyone gets the benefits of spending time apart with friends. Lets face it, sometimes when a couple live together it can become normal to spend every waking minute together and thats not always a good thing.

Personally, my own boyfriend spends alot of time in evening or weekends gaming with his friends. In saying that he has included me, he even set up a WOW account for me to get involved, and has set up an area for my xbox and tv for my own personal gaming area. Though I do not spend that much time gaming with him and his friends its nice to feel included. Also it gives us the freedom to do our own thing for a few hours each week without feeling like we are smothering eachother.


Hope everything works out for you. And just talk to her, by the sounds of it she understands already that you need that time with your friend, and if you explain how that few hours a week can be beneficial in many ways, ie spending time with other people, then you will also more like not have any need for petty arguments, (not that you are having any, but its been my experience from past relationships)

Good Luck

 

[Elementary - Dear Watson]

Get her to invite her friends round to do what they do at the same time (but obviously in a different room!)

That's if you can't get her to join in, or to enjoy watching a gaming sesh. That would be an ideal situation.

Maybe try and get her interested in handheld gaming. My sis used to like sitting playing her DS whilst I was on the xbox. We would literally be playing 2 completely different 1 player games, but it was still kinda social at the same time!

 

[DrOswald]

I know it's lame to seek relationship advice on a forum, but this is a case where you guys could really help me out.

My girlfriend recently moved in with me and my housemate. Before then, when we were both free, my housemate and I would have a game night once a week where we'd power through on whatever for 5-6 hours before going to bed. Now, of course, any time we game basically means time that she is actively sidelined, and usually she'll want to hang out after an hour or so of reading a book or whatever.

Having been used to longer sessions, 1-2 hours (once, sometimes twice a week) feels like we're barely getting into the swing of things before we have to call it quits, and equally she feels bad for calling time. Then again, maybe I'm just being greedy... The last thing I want is to make her feel unwelcome, or like a killjoy.

I've never had to balance a relationship and gaming before - the latter happened when the former didn't.

How do you guys do it?

I am going to make an assumption, but I feel it is justified based on your post: She is not a gamer and has probably never played games in her life besides maybe angry birds or other very casual games. Maybe she once played a Mario, but not for long.

If the only problem is that she gets bored you could together decide on one night a week in which you can have your gaming time and at the same time she might go and do her own thing. If it is a regularly scheduled thing then she will be able to prepare for it and have something planned that night, like maybe going to a movie or going out with friends.

Another possibility, and based on all the relationships I have been in and observed the much more common one, is that she is feeling emotionally separated from you. People are usually OK with their significant other having separate interests and time apart to pursue those interests, but gaming is a bit more than that. It often bleeds over from a hobby into a life style. There is this part of your life, something which is obviously important to you, which she is not able to understand, participate in, or even talk about with you intelligently. That makes her feel separated from you emotionally. It's not that she is jealous or feeling ignored or even that she wishes you would not game anymore. It is more basic than that. A relationship is about sharing life with each other, and this is part of you that she cannot share in even if she wanted to. A barrier like that can bother a person, even if they do not realize it is bothering them. She feels shut out, even though that is not what you are actually trying to do.

Now, this is all a hypothetical. She might just get bored while you are not with her. But you should ask yourself if she shows behavior that indicates she is feeling separated. For example, does she seem unusually clingy or eager to be close to you after you are done gaming?

If this is the problem no amount of scheduling or discussion will solve the root problem, they can only mitigate the damage. The fortunate thing is that with this problem there is actually a ton you can do to fix it, but my post is already pretty long. If you would like me to go into details on how I have dealt with this problem in my own relationship then I would be happy to, just ask.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Explain to her that you need your time to unwind with your friend and play games.
You're going to have to phrase it carefully though so she doesn't feel like you're blowing her off.
Try to explain to her that while you love living with her and spending time with her, you also need to have downtime where you can just hang out with your friend, don't even bring games into the equation. You could be watching tv, having coffee and a chat or whatever, but it's your time with your friend.
Be careful not to make her feel that you want to be away from her but that it's something you would both benefit from. Surely she has other things to do than just read and wait for you to hang out with her, does she have her own hobbies or friends?

I lived with a previous boyfriend for a while and it does take some time to figure out personal space and when to spend time apart but, trust me, if you make time for your own hobbies and friends, you'll appreciate the time you do have together a lot more. We made that mistake in the beginning, we were constantly together when we werent working and we ended up bickering and resenting each other a little bit. Eventually we realised that our alone time or time with our own friends was important and things became much better after that (we broke up for unrelated reasons).


Just because you're living together, doesn't mean you have to hang out all of the time and, after a while, you're going to realise that having some time to do things separately will only help the relationship.

I hope I explained this properly!

 

[Nokturos]

Lock her outside until you're done playing, that way you won't be able to hear her complaining.

 

[mrm5561]

Umm just tell her to go over to a friends house if shes bored. Its not that hard to keep yourself occupied while someone plays a game. Also if shes making you quite playing games with your friends to play with her it sounds like you have a clinger

 

[Blunderboy]

kick her to the curb

Ask her to join in ! I she's not interested , set apart a specific day for "you" time . On that day , and only that day, game for hours on end . The rest of the week cut it down to an hour or two. And spend some time with her .

~

This guy right here. He's got it.
Hell my ex and I used to spend hours playing Left 4 Dead.

Of course, now I look back that was the first clue she would end up dumping me to date a vampire.

 

[Jaximus Decimus]

You each need some time to yourselves to do your own thing or the relationship will smother itself out. At the same time you must realize that she has needs. A balance must be struck.

I have two game nights a week. These are set up in advance. My wife knows that I'm going to be in the man cave on those nights. Don't wait up. She uses this time to catch up on TV shows that I don't enjoy watching, go shopping, do her nails, go out with her friends, do whatever it is people do on facebook, work on some project she dug up on pinterest, etc.

Two nights a week are couple nights. We're locked in for some type of couple activity, be that going to the movies, going out for dinner, or just staying home and watching netflix. There will be no video games or Desperate Housewives on those nights.

The rest of the time is played fast and loose. We'll use that time to go grocery shopping, or take the dog to the park, or maybe even get in an extra gaming/Devious Maids session.

This works really well for us. We each get plenty of time to indulge in our hobbies/interests, but we also spend plenty of time together.

Now, this exact system might not work for you, but one or two 5-6 hour gaming sessions a week is not an unreasonable thing to ask for. If she's just not into games there are plenty of other things she can do during that time. Be nice when broaching this topic and be sure to offer to set up nights/whole days that are just for the two of you. Make sure she understands that gaming is an important part of who you are, not just some frivolous and juvenile time-waster.

 

[krazykidd]

kick her to the curb

Ask her to join in ! I she's not interested , set apart a specific day for "you" time . On that day , and only that day, game for hours on end . The rest of the week cut it down to an hour or two. And spend some time with her .

~

This guy right here. He's got it.
Hell my ex and I used to spend hours playing Left 4 Dead.

Of course, now I look back that was the first clue she would end up dumping me to date a vampire.

A Vampire ? Must ... Resist ... Making ... A ... Twilight ...Joke.

 

[Blunderboy]

kick her to the curb

Ask her to join in ! I she's not interested , set apart a specific day for "you" time . On that day , and only that day, game for hours on end . The rest of the week cut it down to an hour or two. And spend some time with her .

~

This guy right here. He's got it.
Hell my ex and I used to spend hours playing Left 4 Dead.

Of course, now I look back that was the first clue she would end up dumping me to date a vampire.

A Vampire ? Must ... Resist ... Making ... A ... Twilight ...Joke.

You don't have to. Twilight is already a joke.


OT - Yeah balance is key man. She wants to spend time with you. That's a good thing. But everyone needs a little me time.

 

[LetalisK]

Tell her to get her own hobbies and interests if she doesn't want to join in(obviously in a much nicer way). You're doing a 5-6 hour stretch without her once a week? Oh dear lord, I'm getting the vapors! You are not her monkey. You do not need to dance to keep her entertained. And it's actually detrimental to the long term prospects of this relationship if you two have to always be doing something together.

Note that this advice is based on the assumption that you spend significant amounts of time with her otherwise, especially considering she lives with you now.

But maybe I'm spoiled. I have a wife that would do 6-8 hours gaming marathons with me OR leave me alone to do my own gaming marathon and is perfectly fine either way(especially now that she has the new Animal Crossing, jesus christ she won't put that thing down).

 

[Auron225]

Doesn't she have friends that she can hang out with? Or hobbies of her own? I'm guessing she doesn't want to join in.

Worst comes to worst - how about meeting each other in the middle and making 3 hours the norm?

 

[Charli]

Err I dunno I take my gaming time over 'social interaction time' as well... So I usually see people who have girl friends and boy friends suddenly disappear from the online scene for quite a while.

I don't see the appeal, it seems like it takes up so much time and effort...

But then again I thrive on friendships, and I was never emotionally clingy as a kid or now. That all went to my sibling who gets antsy being alone for more than half an hour and won't even go to the bathroom or anywhere alone.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

If she doesn't want to join in (she should be more than welcome to) claim some of your Me Time. Once a week is more than fair.

 

[sweetylnumb]

I know it's lame to seek relationship advice on a forum, but this is a case where you guys could really help me out.

My girlfriend recently moved in with me and my housemate. Before then, when we were both free, my housemate and I would have a game night once a week where we'd power through on whatever for 5-6 hours before going to bed. Now, of course, any time we game basically means time that she is actively sidelined, and usually she'll want to hang out after an hour or so of reading a book or whatever.

Having been used to longer sessions, 1-2 hours (once, sometimes twice a week) feels like we're barely getting into the swing of things before we have to call it quits, and equally she feels bad for calling time. Then again, maybe I'm just being greedy... The last thing I want is to make her feel unwelcome, or like a killjoy.

I've never had to balance a relationship and gaming before - the latter happened when the former didn't.

How do you guys do it?

If she doesn't want to join in (offer! and dont say it in a way that makes her feel like she can't say yes) and if she doesn't want to play, then make it clear that you need your 5-6 hours a week (i mean cmon, she gets you for the rest of the week afterall) of gaming with your friend. And if she really can't stand to give you that time free, to bad. Relationships are about compromising, you need to have your own life as well.

 

[Fox12]

Just explain that you need a "guy" night, or time with your friends. Emphasize that it's not so much about gaming as it is spending time with your suite mate. That said, she sounds pretty cool, so I think she'd be fine with that. Surely she has a life outside of you, right? Of course she does, and that's healthy and normal. Find a way for both of you to work out time for yourselves.